Name: AYG Comedy Podcast: Doug Smith - Religious Kid
Uploaded: 2021-03-08T03:41:13.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'AYG Comedy Podcast: Doug Smith - Religious Kid' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-03-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'AYG Comedy Podcast: Doug Smith - Religious Kid' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-03-08. Transcript available.

AYG Comedy Podcast: Doug Smith - Religious Kid

Hey gang, welcome to the R.U. Garbage Comedy Podcast.
Please make sure you subscribe, that way you get the episodes as they come out.
Welcome to another exciting edition of R.U. Garbage,
the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals
or absolute trash.
Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
Hey, everybody out there.
And welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast.
This is R.U. Garbage, the show where we sit down with your favorite comedians
and we find out if they grow classy or if they're a big old piece of trash.
I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day.
I'm down here at Aunt Toadie's basement.
I got my new heart medication in me.
I know.
I got to hide it around the house.
She's like a fucking truffle pig.
She's like a bloodhound, I tell you, man.
She'll be boofing it in no time.
She sees a CVS receipt, all of a sudden she's all over you.
My co-host is coming at you from right next to me.
He refers to me as a guy he works with.
I tell people he's my best pal.
He's the CEO of R.U. Garbage.
He's really an international businessman when you get down to it.
Why is that?
You have your foot in a couple of things.
You like to dabble in real estate.
The cars don't even ship to Canada.
I'm not that international.
Sorry about that.
Apparently, they still haven't shipped anywhere.
They're right next to us.
They'll be coming soon.
They'll be coming around the mountain when they come.
Gang, give it up for Mr. Kippy, Kevin, James, Ryan.
God damn it.
Hey, what's up, everybody?
Thanks for tuning in.
It's all in his name.
As always, please make sure you rate, review, subscribe on iTunes.
Full video available on YouTube.
And you know what about those numbers?
True to roof.
True to fucking roof.
Also, patreon.com slash RU Garbage.
You can sign up and get bonus content.
You get bonus episodes of AYG, episodes of Hard Feelings, which is me and Foley
fucking
chopping it up.
The real deal.
The bread and butter.
And then we do a live stream every month with the top tier patrons.
You can get involved in that.
It's a good fucking time.
Yes, we do.
Thank you so much, guys.
And we love you.
And how about a nice big shout out to our producer extraordinaire.
He's got his mic back this week.
He's mic'd up.
He's out of the penalty box.
We'll see how he does.
He's like Tom Brady in mid-game with the mic on.
Let's go.
He's the pride of the Chicago comedy scene.
Give it up for T-Bone, Toby McMuffin.
What up, T-Bone?
Welcome back.
Oh, it feels good to be back.
You know, finally a part of something successful.
My life is falling apart.
Like Diane Keaton over there, huh?
I don't know.
Yeah, me neither.
Like Joan Rivers, huh?
God, Mr. Soul, huh?
Gang, we could not be more excited to have our incredibly special guest here
with us today.
He is a very funny comedian and actor.
You've seen him on Gotham Comedy Live, Conan, Auroreous, This Is Not Happening
on Comedy Central, Sex Fails, The Late Late Show.
He also has a brand new podcast that's about to come out called Terrible Therapist
with fellow comedians Matt Wayne and Gary Veder.
Not to mention, he's got his own album out called Barely Regal, but the big
question in everybody's mind today, is he garbage?
Now, he walked in here looking like he knows how to fix the chassis on a 72
Chevy.
Yeah, he's a good-looking kid, too.
His kid's got grease written all over him.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right, and I feel it.
Give it up for Mr. Doug Smith, everybody.
What's up, guys?
Thank you so much for having me.
Look at him with the stash and the piercing blues.
Man, I can't even look over there.
I'm going to look at T-Bone where I feel comfortable.
Looks like he should have died on the air or something.
I thought I heard a thump under the table.
Thanks for coming, buddy.
He's got a good-looking World War II guy face.
I'm an ally, I promise.
Yeah, you do look like you'd be black and white and just look really good.
The hottest guy in the foxhole?
Yeah.
Do you smoke?
No.
No, not a smoker.
He would be like, who would Philip Morris would want on an ad?
Oh, yeah.
Him leaning against a pickup truck?
Yeah.
He's got the pack of Bernies in the arm.
You put an army helmet on him in front of some palm trees in Iwo Jima with a
fucking
Marlboro sticking out of his mouth?
That's a Life Magazine picture of the year right there.
Move a couple of units.
Get this guy to Times Square and be fucking cleaning up.
What is the origin story of Doug Smith?
You had said you came in that you were a Connecticut guy.
You're a suburban guy.
I am, yeah.
I grew up in Ridgefield, Connecticut, which is about 50 miles north of here.
Connecticut's a little dicey.
It is.
Yeah, Connecticut has a very bougie reputation.
So Fairfield County is where I grew up.
Fairfield County is, I don't know if it still is, it was at one time like the
wealthiest
county in the United States.
Hmm.
Solely because of a few towns.
You got Greenwich.
Sure.
New Canaan.
Sure.
Darien.
You got a few towns that are really bougie.
A little bit of cash.
A little bit of cash.
Ridgefield is kind of a bougie town.
But then, you know, you got like Bridgeport.
You got some of the biggest shit holes.
I've been up to Fairfield.
First time done, Fairfield, and it ain't that nice.
The gas stations are weird up there, too.
New Haven, Hartford.
Most of Connecticut is a complete shithole, honestly.
All you got to do is drive up 95, take any exit, and you'll see.
Well, coming from Philly, like Connecticut, we always thought like it's that
reputation.
It's like a lot of cash, boat shoes, yachts, whatever.
Right, right, right, right.
But then we went up to do a show up there.
I was like, yo, we are not in Connecticut.
Yeah.
No, my hometown, everybody looks like they just stepped out of an LLB catalog.
Oh, really?
Everyone drives a Jeep Cherokee.
Everyone has a Golden Retriever.
Nice.
Abercrombie.
A lot of vests.
Head to toe.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Little old money.
Uh-huh.
Nice.
What'd your parents do growing up?
My mom was a stay-at-home mom.
My dad worked for the same local insurance company for 40 years.
Damn.
AJ Carnal Insurance.
Interesting.
Shout out, AJ.
AJ.
Plug him.
Yeah.
What was it, like auto or like life or what was it?
Life.
Yeah.
That's what a money is.
Your dad sold life insurance and was able to keep your mom home.
Uh-huh.
In Ridgefield.
Yep.
He had to do pretty good.
He did okay.
He's like Ned Ryerson walking around up there.
Growing up.
Who?
Ned Ryerson.
From Groundhog Day.
Remember when he meets him, he was selling life insurance.
Yeah.
Growing up, I always thought my dad did better than he did.
I remember when I finally found out what my dad pulled in a year, I was very
disappointed.
He bought the house off of grandma.
What the fuck?
Well, actually, yeah.
Both my parents grew up wealthy.
But they, and then they inherited some land.
So my dad inherited five acres of property right next to the house that he grew
up on.
So we had like, we had like not a huge house.
We had five and a half acres of property.
That's pretty trash.
Anytime we've talked about this, anytime the property lines touch another
relative, it's
a little fucking dicey.
Yep.
It's kind of a, it's kind of a trash move to get the land and be like, I'm just
going
to live right here.
Well, no.
What happened was I'm sure his, his grandparents bought land and then bought
the lot next to
them.
Yeah.
Right?
Yeah.
Hey, there will be blood.
I understand what's going on.
What the fuck?
I'm trying to make a joke here.
You're like, no, actually, well, it was a plot and a half.
Builders, hey, shut up.
Well, they probably broke it off.
How many brothers and sisters your dad had?
He had two brothers.
So they probably got broken off something too.
They got something too.
Yeah.
So it was like a compound.
You were all, you were all right there.
Wait, those hillbillies weren't living around you?
They actually had land in other, in other surrounding towns in the surrounding
area.
So they got, they just got a plot elsewhere.
And my dad got, I think my dad got the shitty deal now that I think of it.
Yeah.
Had to live next to his fucking parents.
Had to live next to his mom.
Living in a pool house with his family.
Ronnie, we got something special for you.
The other two probably didn't even take the land.
They're probably living in her basement.
Wait, so is that house, so then he built the house on that land.
Yeah.
And that's where you were born and raised.
Correct.
Now were your grandparents next door?
They both died before I was born.
Thank God.
Otherwise, that would have been trash.
Dad probably rubbed them out.
Fucking no neighbors, daddy-o.
Let's go.
Life insurance is slow.
I need another five.
Yeah.
Yeah, right?
Five acres and a mule.
Let's go.
Five's nice.
Ten would be nicer.
Five's cool.
You know what's really cool?
Ten.
Holy shit.
So they had passed on.
Yeah.
So my siblings, all my siblings are much older than me.
Oh, you're one of those kids?
Yeah.
Let's get into it.
Here we go.
My siblings are-
I don't care how many Jeep Cherokees are on there.
This kid's trash.
Well, hold on.
Before you answer that, I wanted to ask you, do you think you're garbage?
I am 100% certain I am garbage.
Oh, yeah.
All right.
Let's do it.
So my siblings are 14, 16, and 18 years older than me.
What the fuck?
Same parents?
Same parents.
Yeah.
Holy shit.
I got a brother that's 16 years younger than me, but it's a different mom.
I can at least say that.
Yeah.
One of my first jokes when I started doing stand-up was about how old my mom is.
And I would be like, my mom was 47 when she gave birth to me, which is pretty
crazy considering
the odds of having a child that late in life, no birth defects, slim to none.
And as far as I know, I'm the only person in history to have ever made a full
recovery
from Down syndrome.
Talk about a bounce back.
Kid turned it around on the back nine.
Kid's good.
He's nice.
All right.
It's weird.
Yeah.
Holy shit.
47?
47, and my dad was 51.
Yeah.
Damn.
Was it-
Clearly an accident.
Yeah.
Intentional?
No.
No.
So my-
Ah, what the fuck, Cheryl?
His fucking scream.
I gotta go back to work.
I only got five acres.
What the fuck?
Menopause is horse shit.
Damn.
Yeah.
Apparently before women go into menopause, they have like one last ditch.
Hurrah.
Yeah, they do.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So-
What the fuck?
Sounded right.
They got me fired up.
Huge mistake.
So yeah, the way they told my siblings was-
So I grew up with a pool, in-ground pool, not garbage.
Everything else is garbage.
We had an in-ground.
So we had a pool in the way my mom told my siblings.
Yeah, it was put in in the 30s.
What are you talking about?
Also, if you have five acres and no pool, there's-
I mean, what the fuck are we doing?
Get un-fucked up.
That pool should be a solid eight.
Five acres, no pool.
Dude, I was always freaked out when I got invited to like barbecues or
something like that,
where there wasn't a pool in the summer.
Right.
You just outside sweating, eating hot dogs.
It's like, what the fuck?
I could do this at home.
Yeah.
I'll spray you with the hose if you like.
Yeah, do shit.
Break the sprinkler out or something.
Will you?
Somebody got a water balloon or something?
I'm fucking schvitzing over here.
Jesus Christ.
No pool.
Get out of here.
I'm not coming.
See you in the winter.
Fuck that.
So we had a pool, and the way they broke into my siblings was they said,
we're going to have a little one running around soon,
so we got to build a fence around the pool,
and my siblings went through the Rolodex of every family friend of who could be
pregnant.
But I always thought it was hilarious that the three of them,
their entire childhood, they weren't good enough to have a fence around the
pool.
Yeah, that's true.
If you fall in, who gives a shit?
But this new Jack, we got to keep him safe.
Holy shit.
Keep an eye on this kid.
Yeah.
That's pretty bananas, dude.
Yeah.
So they just did it one night, and...
They did it one night, and yeah.
So I basically...
Wha