Name: AYG Comedy Podcast: Kelly Keegs - Barstool Boozer
Uploaded: 2021-03-29T00:24:48.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'AYG Comedy Podcast: Kelly Keegs - Barstool Boozer' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-03-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'AYG Comedy Podcast: Kelly Keegs - Barstool Boozer' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-03-29. Transcript available.

AYG Comedy Podcast: Kelly Keegs - Barstool Boozer

Hey gang, welcome to the R.U. Garbage Comedy Podcast.
Please make sure you subscribe, that way you get the episodes as they come out.
Welcome to another exciting edition of R.U. Garbage,
the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals
or absolute trash.
Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
Hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast.
This is R.U. Garbage.
It's a show where we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find out if
they grew up classy
or if they're just a big old piece of trash.
I'm your host H. Foley coming at you on a beautiful day.
We're down here at Aunt Tootie's basement.
She's getting excited for Easter.
You know, she's a hardcore Catholic.
She already started to do the eggs, hiding the eggs around the house.
But she doesn't use eggs.
She uses those little airplane bottles of Goldenschlager.
Oh, nice.
And we usually find him in a room.
So it's a good time.
My co-host is coming at you from right next to me.
He is the CEO of R.U. Garbage.
He's really an international businessman when it really comes down to it.
He is the proud owner of a brand new pre-owned Kia.
No, it's not pre-owned.
It's not pre-owned, brand new?
It's a 2021, baby.
Man, check the books, T-Bone.
We're doing all right over here.
This guy's moving merch.
Give it up for Kevin James Ryan, everybody.
Hey, gang.
Thanks for tuning in.
As always, please make sure you rate, review, subscribe on iTunes.
Full video available on YouTube.
And those numbers are...
True to roof.
...fucking cooking on YouTube, baby.
Let's go.
And then, obviously, patreon.com.
You can sign up.
You get premium content.
You get bonus episodes of AYG.
Yeah.
Which people are hitting me up.
They didn't know.
They're episodes that just live on Patreon.
We don't release those anywhere else.
That's bananas.
Yeah.
People aren't sure what's going on.
So you can go there.
You get hard feelings.
You can get live streams where we play AYG with you guys.
It's a good fucking time.
Good times.
Get involved, baby.
Thank you, Kippy.
And how about a nice shout out to our producer extraordinaire, the pride of the
Chicago
comedy scene.
He works the ones and twos.
He's the magic man.
He makes us all look pretty.
Give it up for T-Bone McMuffin, Toby McMullen.
What up, team?
We are turning into Morning Zoo more and more as we go on.
Make sure you're calling to get those Van Halen tickets, kids.
Dude, we got a bank full of drops.
I got my finger on the trigger.
We're just becoming characters of ourselves at this point.
It is what it is.
And, gang, we could not be more excited.
And I mean that.
We could not be more excited to have our incredibly special guest here with us
today.
She's an extremely funny podcaster and blogger.
She's one of the stars over there at the Barstool Sports Universe and, of
course, the co-host
of Because We Got High.
But the big question in my mind today, is she garbage?
Looks very classy.
Yeah.
But I can't get a read.
She carries herself well.
It does.
It is smoke and mirrors, gentlemen.
I will tell you that right now.
And can I say also, that was a fantastic intro.
Wonderful.
Thank you so much.
I was captivated.
Smiling ear to ear so much so that my cheeks hurt now because I was smiling too
much.
That was great.
Ladies and gentlemen, that's Kelly Keeks.
Give it up for her, everybody.
Look at that.
Here I am.
What's going on?
This, yeah, this is, well, we've had other, we've had a good amount of Barstool
people
in here at this point.
Yeah, I've been hearing that.
Eight or ten.
I don't even know how many we've had.
I watched the Friday Night Pines you guys were on a couple weeks ago or last
week, whatever.
And I know that you kind of went down the list of people that you talked to and
that majority
of people are garbage.
Everybody was garbage.
So I'm looking forward to joining the race.
So yeah, I think you're going to fall in there as well.
I think so too.
I know.
I thought this would be an interesting one too.
Yeah.
Now the more I think about it, the more fun it seems.
Give us the whole backstory.
Give us the origin story of Kelly Keeks.
Okay.
First of all, is that your, Keegan is your last name?
Keegan is my last name.
Keegan.
So yeah, just Irish as fuck, like the whole thing going on.
But Keeks is a name that my mom used to always have written on like the side of
her
nursing school books, like as if to like, you know, so nobody would take them,
I guess.
I don't know.
And I always thought it was cool.
Like, ooh, Keegs.
And then apparently that was like also my dad's nickname.
And then once in gym class and like the second grade, my teacher said like
Kelly Keegs offhandedly.
And it just kind of stuck through.
So that was your nickname all through?
Not, not forever, but it kind of like, as I got older, it started being like,
oh, Kelly
Keegs.
And then now on the internet, it's like, it's firmly stuck on the internet.
It's cool.
I love a good nickname.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Good nickname.
Yeah.
It worked out for me.
I didn't have to like make it up for myself.
But Keegan's good too.
Keegan is good too.
I've got one of those names that people, they say your full name all the time
because it's
double K's or like double names.
It's like a superhero name.
Peter Parker.
They always say your full fucking name.
I get Kevin Ryan all the time.
Hey, what's up, Kevin Ryan?
I'm like, what are you doing?
A fucking job interview?
What are we doing?
Yes, every time.
Every time.
I'm never, never Kelly.
Always Kelly Keegan.
What's your middle name?
Anne.
So fucking boring.
Anne with an E.
Anne with an E.
So Irish.
So far classy.
I'm Kevin James Patrick Ryan.
Yeah.
It's a tough look.
Damn, damn.
It's a tough look.
My brother is Samuel Joseph Keegan.
That's his.
He's pretty.
That's pretty good too.
We're Irish and Polish.
That's our mix.
That name comes with the gout.
That's tough right there.
Irish and Polish isn't a great mix.
No, it's not.
No, it's not.
That's like two bottom of the barrel.
And a little bit of Russian.
A little bit of Russian.
No, it's a nightmare.
That's from my Nana's side.
She's always like, oh, the Russians.
She'll talk about that.
Oh, man.
Especially after dinner, a couple of drinks are flowing.
Yeah.
Oh, nice argument in the kitchen.
God, I love it.
Forget it.
So where'd you grow up?
Yeah.
In Jersey, maybe?
Yes, I did.
Yes, I did in Jersey.
I grew up in North Plainfield, which I don't know if that's...
Is that like Central?
It's like Central, yeah.
I want to say...
It's pretty...
It's seedy.
It's a seedy area.
It's not so much now.
So let's say I was born in 1990 is when I was born.
And my parents had a little house on Sanford Avenue in North Plainfield.
And I went to St. Joseph's Catholic School, which is right around the corner,
because it
was the only place I could go that was like, okay, everything.
All the public school system was like too much crime and like too much stuff.
So I could only go to this one place.
And I was there from kindergarten through second grade.
And I think I was brainwashed there.
That's the thing I've now started saying.
I think that I was brainwashed at the Catholic school.
Are you crazy?
There we go.
Like, I think that that's what happened there.
That's Catholic school.
Yeah.
Shit was weird.
And so I grew up there.
But then in the third grade, we moved out to Flemington, New Jersey, which is
like
bumfuck.
I'm very familiar with Flemington.
Yeah, which is like bumfuck.
Those are the outlets.
The set outlets that we've talked about before.
Fucking Liberty Village.
My brother worked there.
My brother worked at Polo.
Shout out to the Polo store, baby.
I worked at Polo forever.
I lived at J.Crew.
Well, thanks for coming by.
We appreciate it.
Yes.
Holy shit.
Liberty Village premium outlets, if anybody needs to roll through.
There's a Kate Spade outlet, I believe, as well.
There was a lot.
That was like an event.
Classy shit.
There was also a school bag or like a luggage place.
It's probably still there.
Oh, Burlington Coe Factory?
No, no.
It was just like this standalone luggage place.
Flemington Department Store?
There's several.
I forget.
There's several spots.
It's a fucking dump, though.
Standalone luggage place.
Would you guys go?
Would your family go, since you live out there?
Would you guys go?
To the outlets?
Yeah.
I mean, that was like where we shopped.
If we weren't going to the mall.
I'm going to pass up the savings.
Yeah, no, no, no.
Go pay retail.
What the fuck?
It would depend on what we would go for.
We'd go there for certain things.
Like, we would always go for J.Crew, obviously, because I just pretended I was
rich.
And so I would shop discount, J.Crew, like, factory.
That's why I was at the polo store.
Yeah.
So I would do that.
And then polo, for sure.
I think, like, Brooks Brothers was also there.
I'd maybe buy, like, a bracelet and be like, it's Brooks Brothers.
But it's like...
I gotta get...
They were nice.
Like, the...
Oh, yeah.
It was like...
They were like the nice outlets.
Everything was painted white.
And it was like a little campus.
Yeah, yeah.
It's cute in there.
But it was definitely, like, not...
People who went there definitely thought they were richer than they are.
Like, it was just that kind of shit.
I was pulling up in my 96 Chevy Illumina.
Yeah, yeah.
But the outlets weren't a thing.
Like, when I was younger...
I don't know when we started going there.
But when I was younger, it was always the mall.
Bridgewater Mall was the only place we went to.
And it was like we lived our lives in Spencer's.
Of course.
We would go to Claire's first, maybe, depending on the group of girls I was
with.
And then we would, like, go to Spencer's, laugh at the sex toys, and then go,
like,
creep around outside the movies as long as we could.
That was our shit for a long time.
That's a suburban childhood.
Yeah, that all adds up right there.
That was some shit.
I just didn't know if you guys didn't go to the outlets.
It's like people who, like, live in Vegas who don't go to the casinos.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, it's a little different.
It's very...
They thought that was, like, touristy.
I mean, a crippling...
That was a pilgrimage for us.
Well, the town is so small that it's, like, it's just practical shopping.
Like, it's not...
There's not a lot going on out in Clemington.
What sucks about the outlets...
Especially with the family discount.
You're losing money.
Not going in.
Oh, my God.
Well, my brother was working at Polo every Christmas the entire time.
It was just, like, Polo out the ass.
And my brother was like, yeah, like, Merry Christmas to fucking everybody.
And it was fantastic.
It was great.
That's awesome.
We never thought to do that shit, to get somebody on the inside of something.
Oh, yeah.
No, no.
That's why I worked at Macy's, dude.
Oh, really?
My brother told me a story once about the Polo outlet that they used to, like,
train
them ahead of time to kind of recognize who the people were buying in bulk.
People who seemed to be just coming through and then going to probably go to
Canal Street
or something here.
And tell them, yeah.
And they would come in and they would just buy, like, 15 of the same shirt and,
like,
different sizes and stuff like that.
My brother, who I think at the time was, like, 18, was just like, excuse me, I
don't
know what I can do about this.
Like, trying to manage, like, some sort of, like, toe the line of awkwardness.
Yeah, what the fuck.
Toe the line of awkwardness.
And you're also not allowed to, like, you're not allowed to, like, outright say
it.
So you have to be, like, are you sure you want all these sizes?
Like, you have to be, like, strategic about it.
You can't just, yeah, you can't just accuse them.
Yeah, but that was a huge problem, he said, especially on, like, whatchamacallit,
Black
Friday.
Black Friday at the outlets.
Oh, people would probably, yeah.
Well, let me ask you this.
What do they care?
I guess it's because of the resale shit.
I don't know.
It's probably