Name: AYG Comedy Podcast: Ari Shaffir Answers Your Questions!
Uploaded: 2021-05-10T01:34:29.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'AYG Comedy Podcast: Ari Shaffir Answers Your Questions!' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-05-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'AYG Comedy Podcast: Ari Shaffir Answers Your Questions!' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-05-10. Transcript available.

AYG Comedy Podcast: Ari Shaffir Answers Your Questions!

Hey gang, welcome to the R.U. Garbage Comedy Podcast.
Make sure you subscribe so you get the videos as they come out.
Welcome to another exciting edition of R.U. Garbage,
the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals
or absolute trash.
Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
All right, hit it, Fatty.
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast.
This is R.U. Garbage, a little show we sit down with your favorite comedians
and we find out if they grow up to be classy or if they're just a big old piece
of trash.
Oh, yeah.
I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful spring day.
We're down here in Aunt Tootie's basement.
She continues to let our success go to her head.
Sure.
Went to the local pizzeria yesterday to get a slice.
Whose picture's up on the wall?
They got Tootie's picture up.
Fucking Tootie, right next to Travolta.
I'm like, lady, pump the brakes a little bit.
My co-host is coming at you from right next to me.
He is an international businessman.
He books the flights, the hotels.
This guy's got the keys to everybody.
Because I have a credit card.
That's the only reason.
He could leave me in Albuquerque if he wanted to, and he might.
Kevin James Ryan, everybody.
Hey, gang.
What's up?
Thanks for tuning in.
As always, please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes.
Full video available on YouTube.
And as you know, those numbers are true to fucking rule.
Yes, they are.
Cooking, and then Patreon's really fucking cooking.
I mean, YouTube.
I mean, I'm about to cancel the YouTube subscription.
Just focus all on Patreon, baby.
Check it out.
You get bonus episodes of AYG.
You get episodes of Hard Feelings.
And then every month, we'll do a live stream with the top-tier members.
You ask us questions.
We ask you questions.
It's a good fucking time.
We love it.
How about a nice quick shout-out to our producer extraordinaire.
He's the man that makes us look good.
He's the magic man.
But you know him as T-Bone.
But his mom had named him Thomas something something.
So we just call him Toby.
What's up, dudes?
I thought it was Tobias.
It's not short for Tobias.
No, Thomas.
I got to book his flights.
And I'm like, what's your name again?
Dude, this kid's screwball.
And I've explained it to Foley like 40 times.
And every time he goes, Thomas!
What's your full name?
Thomas Benjamin Wilkinson McMullen.
Real bozo.
I'm the only person with a dog name that's an improvement.
They're like, Toby.
They're like, that's better, for sure.
Mom was a big Bullets fan back in the day.
But, gang, that's neither here nor there.
Because this is a family episode.
We have some company, some special company here with us today.
Again, a little star power in the building.
We love him.
You know him.
We're going to do some questions with you.
He gets to answer your questions.
It's going to be fantastic.
He's the host of the Skeptic Tank.
Give it up for the one, the only, Mr. Ari Shafir.
Thank you.
I am the one and only.
No, there is another Ari Shafir that I met.
There has to be another Ari Shafir.
In Myanmar.
In Myanmar, they're a hostel.
There's a whole bunch of them.
I was writing down my name on a tour.
And I was like, oh, somebody wrote my name.
And I crossed it off.
And then I heard somebody go like, hey, who crossed my fucking name off?
Who crossed off my name, Ari Shafir?
An Orthodox Jewish Ari Shafir that I met in Myanmar.
But there's got to be a bunch of them, I would assume.
There's not.
It's a made-up name.
As far as comedy goes, you are the one and the only.
And even if there was 20 guys with your name, you are a one.
There are certain people that I say the one and the only, you know, to be nice
or to give
a little flair.
John Smith.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But you're a very unique individual.
Thanks.
I appreciate it.
You're back from a six-month tour of South America.
Yeah.
Central America.
Scoping it out.
Wherever you were.
Scoping it out for the invasion.
Yeah.
You know what I was thinking on the way in?
You got a pretty good body.
Yeah.
You know?
You could be Mossad.
Dude, coming from you, that really means absolutely nothing.
You got a body.
This table is a good body coming from me.
But you could be Mossad.
I could be.
You could be.
He's not.
He's too high all the time.
Do you know Chuck McGall or whatever it's called?
What's the?
Krav Maga.
Krav Maga.
Chuck McGall is a guy you went to high school with.
I could never get that right.
Why is it somebody's name?
What's it called?
Krav Maga.
Krav Maga.
It's my favorite kind of martial arts because it's just nonstop.
It's like hit, hit, hit, throw a hamburger at you.
Fucking table.
That's all you got to do to fucking stop Foley.
Get you with a summons.
Come back.
Do you know that?
No, I don't know.
You're a jiu-jitsu guy though, right?
I'm a jiu-jitsu expert.
Are you really?
Tenth planet trained white belt under the honorable Edward Bravo.
Quit showing off.
Do you still do it or no?
I have over 17 taps.
No, it's been a while.
Once I got my third staph infection and fucking second ringworm.
From what?
I was like, I don't know.
From the fucking dirty mats of those motherfuckers.
Brazil brings in this element.
I think you're doing it wrong.
Yeah, probably.
It's just a scrape.
Guy gets gonorrhea from karate.
Dude, I was playing.
What the fuck?
Somebody got eye herpes once.
I think Henderson, whatever, got eye herpes.
Who's Henderson?
You just named some guy in your karate class?
Yeah, Henderson.
He wasn't with us.
But dude, I was limping.
And Joe Rugger was playing pool.
And he was like, why are you limping?
I was like, God, that fucking spider bite or something.
It's fucking killing me.
He's like, spider bite?
It don't make you limp?
Yeah.
He's like, show it to me.
And he's like, dude, you have a bad staph infection.
Where did it enter?
In your toe?
No, on my knee.
Dude, those are bad.
You could lose your leg on that shit.
Yeah, he was like, how long have you had?
I'm like, that's like a month.
He's like, dude, you got out of the hospital.
I'm like, all right, I'll go sit.
He goes, no, no, I'm going to drive you to the hospital.
That's like really bad.
It looks like it's systemic.
But I'm fine.
What the fuck?
Skating it.
What the hell's eye herpes?
I don't know.
I didn't see it when he had it.
I don't know.
He was fucking skull fucking somebody the wrong way.
Yeah, let's get this straight for everybody out there.
All right.
Now, I get cold sores, too.
You got herpes.
Herpes is herpes.
Doesn't matter where it is.
Stop trying to sugarcoat it with it's a fever blister, whatever it is.
You got a fucking hot one.
I get it when I'm stressed out.
I don't care whether it's on your wiener, on your cooter, on your lip, or
whatever.
I knew somebody that used to get it on her finger.
Sounds like a nice gal.
That's where she would get her sores when she flared up.
So all she would have to do is not finger somebody?
Yeah.
She had it for a weird reason.
They took a piece of something off of her lip and put it on her finger.
A piece of meat or something?
Some kind of.
No.
She had some kind of surgery or accident where they took something from her lip
or inside
of her mouth and put it on her finger.
And she had a mouth herpes.
This sounds like a goosebump story.
Get the fuck out of here.
Who's goosebump?
That's not a real story.
Yeah.
They took something from her mouth and it just so happened to be the part with
herpes.
I'm telling you.
It was my boss.
Her name was Rocky.
She sold lasers.
This chick got herpes transplant.
Wait, your boss, Rocky, female, had herpes on her finger and she sold lasers.
She sold laser hair removal.
Oh, really?
Done a lot of business on Long Island.
I bet.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Those skinny bitches.
A bunch of hairy broads out there in Massapequa.
So she had oral herpes and then science took over.
And then science took over.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm still not buying that.
Yeah.
I mean, you lie about a lot of stuff that I'll give you leeway.
I'm not lying.
I'm telling you.
Herpes on the-
Rocky and Gino.
Yeah.
We can't get rid of it, but we can move it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
His face was on the wall of the Palm.
They went to the Palm so much in one year that they got their faces put on
there.
In Vegas?
No, here.
Uh-oh.
The Palm Restaurant.
That'd be real trashy.
Oh, the Palm Restaurant?
I thought you meant Vegas too.
No.
Ugh.
Never been.
No.
You got a little excitement coming up.
You got a bat mitzvah.
Yeah, I do.
Tonight.
So the reason I wanted to save it for the pod and I wanted to ask you.
Yeah.
Go for it.
What are you dropping?
Oh.
What do you-
Yeah.
Yep.
Okay.
So one thing you should know is I was poor for a long time.
So I set the tone early.
But you're not now.
I know.
You got cash.
You got cash.
But I set the tone early for being the cool uncle who doesn't do that kind of
stuff.
That's what I did too.
Hold on.
We're just changing that.
How many other nieces and nephews have been bar mitzvahed or bat mitzvahed yet?
Five-ish.
Really?
Yeah.
Yeah.
And they're nothing to shake a stick at.
You got to come correct it.
Yeah.
That's like a wedding for you Catholics out there.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Sometimes it's thousands.
The first time I realized I was like, oh, I got to change this.
I was at one of their houses on Hanukkah, which is their Jewish Christmas.
And so it's like-
Yeah, what the fuck?
I mean-
We're not the Gestapo.
We know what Hanukkah is.
Jesus Christ.
The fuck, man?
Holy shit.
I don't know.
I don't know what you guys know.
They're all trash.
I've been to plenty of Shabbos dinners.
Plenty of-
Oh!
Oh, yeah.
Lights off.
Here we go.
Yeah, and all the kids just stared at me.
It was almost like, dude, I get it if you want to send something.
You're here.
And you're in the uncle.
And you didn't bring anything?
I didn't think-
I didn't consider it.
Wait, what?
Wait, hold on.
You showed up to Hanukkah empty-handed?
I didn't even consider it.
She's like, I'll come eat you guys.
And it just was-
Is this your sister?
Yeah.
Sister and her kids and the other sister and her kids.
Yeah, he's fucking screwballs, dude.
Yeah.
This guy, he's-
How did you-
He's playing another game.
Do you not know what Hanukkah is?
I just forgot about it.
I was living on mac and cheese for years.
I couldn't afford anything.
I get it now.
I get it.
You're talking to a guy who already gets it.
So what are you dropping today?
So now I like to give them specialists.
My first one, I gave him a drone, which was nice.
That's pretty cool.
Yeah.
Instead of a couple hundred bucks, it's like, come on.
So then one of them I brought to a Jets game.
One I brought-
I got those agent seats where you're up front where you can bang on the wall.
Okay.
I brought one to a Caps Rangers game.
Okay.
That's pretty cool.
Second row, just in front of DiStefano.
Like, real good seats.
Now, how do you tell them that?
I just said, I'm going to take you to a Ranger game.
And then you pass by the front entrance.
He goes, no, it's here.
I'm like, we're going to a different place.
That's nice.
And then you go in and you start going down.
And you're like, where are we?
You're behind where they see all the fucking, the Knicks, like the Marquis.
That freaking kid out.
And he's like, what is this?
Yeah.
Damn, dude.
He's taking him down.
And he was like, oh, I got my love.
One of his friends were there.
He's like, take a picture of me from fucking, the fucking-
Wait, you take his boys too?
No, no, no.
His boys was there, I think.
He just happened to be there.
It was great.
Up in the fucking nosebleeds like a bozo.
Me and Uncle Ari down on the floor, baby.
It was great.
It was great.
But I dropped nothing on that.
Yeah, you're getting free.
You're getting-
Absolutely.
Yes.
Absolutely.
What the fuck?
This dude's cheap.
What he doesn't know won't hurt him.
But hold on.
I'll give you that, though.
You don't do the move where you give them a card with, hey, I'm taking you a
Rangers
game in it?
So the next one, yes.
I said, I'm going to take you.
He's a big