Name: Hard Feelings PATREON PREVIEW - AYG Comedy Podcast
Uploaded: 2021-09-03T13:45:43.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Hard Feelings PATREON PREVIEW - AYG Comedy Podcast' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-09-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Hard Feelings PATREON PREVIEW - AYG Comedy Podcast' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-09-03. Transcript available.

Hard Feelings PATREON PREVIEW - AYG Comedy Podcast

Welcome back, gang. This is them hard motherfucking feelings.
The boys have been away from each other for a little bit. Much, much pleasantries.
Sure.
Downstairs, like the Japanese and the French meeting.
Yeah.
Had some work to do. We brought it. We had some packages delivered.
We brought them in.
The koozies, they know.
Koozies are in.
The koozies are in, and there's a lot of them, so get onto that.
But usually what happens is I'll be trying to help, and I'll just be in the way.
I'll get that from you. That's Kevin James Ryan, by the way.
Yeah, right? What the fuck? You spend the first 90 seconds fucking throwing me
under the bus.
Meanwhile, I just set up the whole recording on my own, and you fucking got
your finger up your ass.
We'll get to it.
Funny you mention that.
The boss is away, you know what I mean?
This is the fucking hard feelings, baby. Back in person.
Back in person.
Because they didn't want that crap.
I know. It was a little...
So this is coming up maybe two days late, or two or three days late.
It's because I was away. I was traveling.
And then we tried over Zoom, and I mean, the Zooms just aren't good.
And we were willing to do the Zooms to stay on schedule for you guys.
And I asked when I posted the one we did.
Everybody's like, fucking no, save it for in person.
Fries ain't the same when you get them takeout, baby.
You know what I mean?
You got to eat it in the store.
We appreciate your guys' patience with us.
Yeah.
And we loved it.
You were like, nah, get the fuck out of here with that bullshit.
And also, I love the fact that it's been a couple of days, and like, on the
little message board, it's like, you.
You.
There's no fucking...
I'm like, didn't we just fucking go over this?
Breaking my balls.
I got enough on my plate now.
Get a Venmo request for like $2.85.
What they think one episode of Hard Feelings is worth.
Give me 83 cents back, Kippy.
I broke down the numbers, and you owe me 66.666 repeating.
Ah, good stuff.
Happy to be back, man.
Good to see you.
Great to see you for now.
Rodson, that's what I assume you're thinking.
No, it's great to see you.
It's great to see you as well, my friend.
It's good to be here.
Things are good.
We're having a good time.
Yeah, things are cooking, baby.
Things are cooking.
The squad's pretty nice that we got with us here.
It's great.
Love them.
I fucking love them.
Yeah.
I did have a finger in my ass.
Sure.
Okay, we're jumping right into the fucking deep end.
Within the last two hours.
I was not even...
I don't even know if it was two hours.
I'm fresh.
I'm all dairy.
I went to the bathroom.
You could have done it while I was just there two minutes ago.
I don't know.
No shower or nothing.
I'm right back on the street.
Like a $2 hooker.
For the next John to pick up.
What was the co-pay?
What'd you have to pay for that bad boy?
They gave me a hundred and a lunch card.
You got me an Uber home.
Get a pudding down at the cafe.
Damn.
Yeah, that's fucking...
All right.
So we'll break it down.
What is it?
I'll break it down for you.
So here's...
Not too much.
You go in a little too deep, too much detail for this kind of stuff.
Here's the story.
I'm a real fit piece of shit.
Any dingleberries back there?
What's the DB situation?
I felt bad for this guy.
A couple of berry dingers.
Doc, you might want to put on some 3D glasses or something.
You got a welder's mask back there, Chief?
Burn your eyes out.
It's like getting LASIK when you look at this thing.
It's like an eclipse.
I'll patch you up for a couple of days.
Get you a German Shepherd and a tin cup.
There ain't no coming back from this, huh?
He's got welder's eye from your asshole.
What do they call that?
Like sparky eye or something?
Welder's eye.
Yeah.
It's like plumber's butt.
It's the same thing.
Like plumber's butt, but way worse.
So as you know, as the gang knows...
You're getting some checkups.
Getting some fucking tune-ups.
Yeah.
I don't know when this insurance is going to run out
or, you know, what's going to happen.
So I'm getting mine while it gets good.
Like any upstanding citizen
trying to fleece a big corporation
before they realize what's happening.
This guy owes us 40 grand.
Oh, well, he's dead now.
So, yeah.
You can't stick your finger up a dead man's asshole.
Bye-bye.
Ha-ha.
Gotcha, Doc.
Later.
We might have to turn the air on, dude.
I'm dying.
Getting pretty hot on these lights, huh?
So as everybody knows, you know what I mean?
I've been going to get my checkups done.
It's been really slow going.
Sure.
You know?
It's just a pain in the ass to fucking...
Literally.
I mean...
I mean, the insurance company, you know, they have outdated information.
You know, oh, well, there's a dermatologist here.
Then you go there.
Oh, he's not taking patients.
Oh, nightmare.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It takes a while.
It's real fucking bozo shit.
It takes a while.
But what I've realized is a lot of people, they call, hey, I need an
appointment for whatever.
And then the woman on the phone or man on the phone says, okay, the next
availability for, you know, for what's going to be three months from now.
And they're like, oh, no, forget it.
You just keep it.
Just keep it.
Oh, of course.
Because it goes by quick.
Of course.
You know what I mean?
You always think, I'm going to get somebody with, like, tomorrow.
And you're like, that ain't going to fucking happen.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because it's all just checking the box, getting rid of it.
Yeah.
So today was the urologist.
All right?
I went to see the urologist.
I'm a 45-year-old man.
And they recently recommended that if you got the old prostrate back there, you
want to get it checked out of 45.
Sure.
Used to be 50.
Now it's 45.
Yeah.
I think the doctors are just getting younger.
And they like to party a little bit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know these new kids.
It's all anal with these fucking millennials.
That's all it is.
Still a virgin, technically.
Right in the butt.
So, yeah, I went in.
Which I don't think your butt is virgin-esque.
I think there's been.
You mean, like, look-wise?
No.
I mean, entry-wise.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
We'll get into that.
But it's like an old dirt track.
It's not.
The skin's always a little tougher down there.
That's what's bad.
I hate that.
That's what I felt.
That was my biggest fear for him.
I wasn't going to look pretty back there.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Because there's, like, there's rings.
You know what I mean?
I've been to the center of the earth.
And I have-
I've stared the devil in the eyes.
I've been to the crossroads at midnight.
And I miss my Uncle Charles, y'all.
Go down here to sell your soul, huh?
You'd be a Foley's butt at two.
Come heavy.
Yeah, it's real sloppy back there.
It's bad.
It's just the way it went.
That's the one thing I wish I had.
I wish I had a nice ass.
Like, you know what I mean?
Yeah, let's start on other things.
I mean, you wish you had a nice ass?
I wish you were 220 pounds.
But, hey, you know what I mean?
Wishing one hand shit in the other.
See what fills up first.
But, no, yeah.
Nothing on that?
That's pretty good.
I was too focused on my anal experience.
It's chubbing up over there.
Going through the Rolodex down memory lane.
I apologize.
I stepped out for a second.
Hey, Doc, can you put a wig on and call yourself Susie?
Keep the mustache, though, aren't I?
Oh, man.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know what I mean?
Like, I've dabbled around back there in my life.
And, you know, I've had fingers in there.
When I was younger, I remember they gave me one in the ER.
Was it in a shed?
What's happening?
Was hospital handwritten?
And that wasn't fun.
This was smooth.
That wasn't fun.
Like, it hurt.
Like, you know that, because there's pain, and then there's that rubber band
burning, searing butthole pain.
Okay.
Which did not happen this time.
Sure.
Smooth as silk.
You got a couple more miles on here.
Two-car garage back there.
Park a boat in there if you wanted to.
Doc, bring the family.
We got plenty of room.
But I went in there.
You got a Boston whaler back there.
Some scuba gear.
I don't know what he's doing.
Come on.
Tighten it up.
Kids get a little loopy when we haven't seen each other in a couple of days.
I'm all jacked up on fucking finger butt.
I don't know what you're talking about.
I'm pumped.
I feel sexy.
Well.
You're not.
I hate to break it to you.
So, I naively, I took a shower.
I got all freshened up, ready to go.
But I don't really wear a lot of underwear these days.
And I didn't think about that.
Right, yeah.
I didn't think about that until I was already out the door.
Because I thought, you know, the way they would work it is you go in, you get a
consultation,
and it's like, okay, come back in a week, and, you know, you have to do this,
this, and
this, you know, fast overnight or something like that.
Don't eat anything.
Because I got another little tidbit to this without getting too graphic.
There's been a lot of traffic lately in my neighborhood down there.
I see, man, you're asshole.
I didn't know what you were talking about.
No, that's what I mean.
Yeah, I mean my butthole.
Oh.
It hasn't been good.
Yeah.
It's been jammed up.
Tough run.
Yeah.
Wait, you've been...
The snacks are different now, and I think the snacks are getting to me.
If I have like a handful of those peanut butter pretzels at night, I feel like
the peanut
butter weighs me down.
I thought you were supposed to be eating better.
You're doing a handful.
Peanut butter pretzels is a snack.
Protein.
It's okay.
Yeah, it's all right.
We're not going to get into this, but it's not.
We'll sidestep that.
Sure.
Fair enough.
Jesus Christ.
Point being that I'm a little, you know, things are...
Tight.
Tight.
Nothing was doing the last couple of days.
So, I took some steps to alleviate that.
That looks like Shotgun Falls after that finger's in there.
Clear the blockage.
Be ripping and roaring.
Got a 10-year-old coming out.
It's like the state troopers showed up and started moving and started directing
traffic.
Oh, God.
Took some Metamucil.
Took a stool softener.
Stuff like that.
You know what I mean?
Ate real clean over the last couple of days.
But I forgot that it was fucking today.
So, I was half worried that...
Because when he went up there, I felt like I got to poop.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, but all the muscles are being fucking...
Dude, when he was about to pull that out, I thought it was going to be messy.
I thought it was going to be like a Gallagher show.
Nurse practitioner in the front row.
Front row at SeaWorld.
But it wasn't.
Said it felt fine.
Took my blood.
Had a pee in a cup.
That was it.
Young, good-looking dude.
I felt real bad for him.
I was like, how do we...
And it happened so quick.
He was like, all right, so normally what we do is this, that, and the other
thing.
He said...
And I think he was looking for a way out.
You know what I mean?
Because he was like, we'll do the blood.
We'll do the urine.
He's like, if you want, we can do the rectal.
You know?
Maybe he was going to lunch or something.
Yeah, I didn't get done in the shower for nothing, Doc.
Let's go.
He'd take me out.
You don't come on the lot unless you're going to buy, as H. Foley would say.
So let's go.
You can keep your pants on if you bump a minor coming off.
I got my special undies on, Doc.
What do you mean?
So that was it, man.
In and out.
Yeah.
In and out, literally.
Sure.
Felt good.
I mean, they're not going to hang around in there.
No.
No.
I apologized after it was over.
And I figured since, you know...
I mean, I've been around the whore game a little bit.
You know what I mean?
After the deed's done, you know, the real people come out.
So I just wanted to make sure.
I was like, yo, there wasn't a bunch of shit on your finger, was there?
He's like, no, you're good.
I was like, okay, I just wanted to check because I would have felt bad.
Yeah, but that's like a you thing, too.
You're like, everything's okay, right?
Please like me.
Don't dislike me.
Yeah, you had a good time, right?
Everything's okay.
Please, please, plea