Name: AYG Comedy Podcast: Ian Fidance Returns! (Again)
Uploaded: 2021-10-20T23:57:22.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'AYG Comedy Podcast: Ian Fidance Returns! (Again)' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-10-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'AYG Comedy Podcast: Ian Fidance Returns! (Again)' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-10-20. Transcript available.

AYG Comedy Podcast: Ian Fidance Returns! (Again)

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania!
New York City, New York!
Kippy and Uncle Hank are coming home to roost, baby!
October 27th, Helium Comedy Club, Philly, Pennsylvania, come and see us!
And then for the New York Comedy Festival, we're gonna be at Gotham Comedy Club
on November 9th.
These shows are gonna sell out.
Get your tickies!
Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage?
The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals
or absolute trash.
Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
Hey!
Everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast.
This is Are You Garbage?
Sure is.
It's a little show where we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find
out if they go out to be classy.
Yeah.
Or if they're just a big ol' piece of trash.
I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day.
We're down here at Aunt Tootie's basement.
She's out in the backyard enjoying the fall weather.
She's burning some leaves.
Ooh!
Which her boyfriend's actually cooking some ice in the garage.
And she said it keeps the police dogs off the trail.
My co-host is coming at you from right next to me.
He's the CEO of Are You Garbage?
International businessman, influencer.
He's got a lot, a lot, he wears a lot of hats.
Yeah.
Cover up his bald head.
Okay.
I have a new nickname for you.
Oh, God.
Well, first you were Kevin Ryan, Kevin James Ryan.
Sure.
Then you became Kippy.
I think now with your meteoric rise, your behind-the-scenes, you engineered
this whole
thing.
I think you're a thing now.
Okay.
And I'm going with...
It's a thing.
Are you ready?
I'm going with KJ.
Do we like it?
KJ.
This has been fun.
I've got to get out of here.
Yeah, no.
Give it up for KJ, everybody.
T-bone cut that in post.
What?
What's up, everybody?
Happy to be here.
There will be no referencing of KJ moving forward.
As always, please make sure you rate, review, subscribe on iTunes.
Full video available on YouTube.
And as you know, those numbers are...
True to roof.
True to fucking roof, baby.
And then...
Was there...
There was one more thing we had to plug.
I want to get some holy water.
For the Contis and the Yams.
It's not Pornhub.
Patreon.com slash RUGarbage.
The greatest website in all the land.
Sign up.
Get a bunch of bonus content.
We've got the golf outing just went up there.
The AYG Invitational.
Yes, sir.
A lot of bonus material on there.
70 hours is what I'm told.
More than that.
That's a weekend.
A long one.
Okay.
Anything else?
No, that's it.
Gang, how about a nice quick shout out to our producer extraordinaire, the
magic man
makes us all look good.
T-bone McMuffin.
You know Toby McMullen?
Toby McMullen.
Never heard of him.
What's up, dudes?
What up, T-bone?
Dude, I'm stoked.
This is like when your teacher rolls in the combination DVD, VHS player in
class.
We got a real laser disc over here.
Woo!
This kid was hot for about nine months.
I'd rather watch two dung beetles.
Fucking.
Go back and play with the Bunsen burner.
This thing stinks.
Gang, we're kidding, of course, because we couldn't be more excited to have our
incredibly, and
I mean incredibly special guest, back again with us today.
He's like a five, six timer.
He's officially, I've been thinking about it, part of the family.
You are a cousin.
Woo!
You are officially a cousin of the show.
Yes!
No monetary compensation.
Don't be giving him that.
We'll work on it.
We'll work on it.
No, no, no.
Slowly but surely.
He's going to be shown up to a lawyer with, they said I was a cousin.
Oh, he's got real change the will face, doesn't he?
Gang, it's Cousiny and Finance.
Hey, everybody!
He's a wacky guy.
Oh, thank you for having me.
It's a pleasure and honor and a privilege to be in the studio with the family.
T-Bone, H-Foley, and my favorite, KJ.
Yeah, KJ.
Woo!
KJ!
Fucking KJ.
What's up, KJ?
That's a very KJ jacket.
That is a KJ jacket.
Yes.
KJ Ryan, dude.
KJ's sweet.
KJ in the house.
We've got to get you in the studio with that Billie Eilish.
Get a mixtape.
Also, just want to say, you guys got 70 hours of footage and Foley said that's
a weekend.
There's only 48 hours in a weekend.
I let it slide because I don't want to be a stickler, but that's like three
weekends.
No, I know.
That's why I said a long weekend.
It was a joke.
We're being funny.
Buddy, it's great to have you back here.
I'm so happy to be back.
All right.
Thanks for coming.
All right.
See you later.
The lights go on and he gets a weird vibe to him.
What?
What are you talking about?
What's with a cigarette?
It was a joke pre-show and then I thought it was a scroll.
See, I don't think it is.
We're already flattening each other's tires.
I can't wait.
I don't think it is.
We're going to need a tow truck by the end of the episode.
You're going to be that guy when we're older.
What?
Walking around with the unlit cigarette.
What?
You've got a nicotine problem.
I just saw we got tagged in.
A lot of people tagged us in a post years.
You were smoking in a fucking airport.
Yeah.
That's a federal offense.
The airport bathroom.
And then puts it on Instagram.
Yeah.
It's crazy.
It's like one of these TikTokers.
I'm living my best life.
You're fucking jacked up by a sky marshal of 30,000 feet.
I had a layover in Minneapolis.
Long flight.
Didn't have a vape.
What are you going to do?
Can't leave the airport and come back in because of security.
You go to the bathroom.
You light a Bernie.
You light a little toilet paper on fire.
Massive smell.
Take a few puffs.
Take out a security guard.
Lick it in the toilet.
Fucking Jason Bourne over here.
You put on a TSA guy's outfit.
Filling him up for free.
Set a small fire in a trash can as a distraction.
Yes.
You go to the other terminal.
God damn.
That's crazy.
Calling a bomb threat.
You get on the flight first.
It's all right.
I wanted to have a cigarette so I posed as an airline pilot.
Flew to Miami.
Yes.
They have a break room here.
We're going to be flying.
What a fun joke about a thing that didn't happen.
Sure.
That's coo-coo bananas.
That's not even worth talking.
I mean, he posted it alone.
No, that's on you.
You posted it.
So I'm fucking turning state's evidence if it comes down to me.
Listen, you rat.
The whole family's fucking rats.
Listen, you big fat rat.
Listen, you fucking rat.
All right.
Foley's a big rat outside the union.
Did that for a couple of summers.
I think I told you that.
It's a good gig.
At my first Holy Communion, the guy showed up as like a fun time because my
family was so pro-union.
Like we were.
The guy had it in his trunk.
No way.
And as to like play with the kids, he dressed up as the rat and started with
just dancing in the backyard.
Shut up.
That's how fucking dirty.
You had a rat dancing at your first Holy Communion?
I didn't think anything.
It was my Uncle Jimmy who wasn't my uncle.
I didn't think anything happened.
Foley that long?
What are you judging him?
You're smoking in a luggage compartment.
Fucking weasel.
Down there with the beagles.
Set that cold in here.
Is this pressurized?
Oh, fuck.
Nah, man.
You got to do what you got to do.
That's not a good look.
That's a dumb idea.
That's up there with you guys when you steal from the airports with the candy
bars.
That's even worse.
You don't steal from the airport?
No, I don't steal from the airport.
He would never get away.
Yeah, no.
Are you kidding me?
They got eyes on you the second you go to the candy aisle.
I'm telling you.
I got a whole pizza.
You steal from the airport.
You smoke in the bathroom.
No.
The shithouse is going down.
You might as well get your kicks before it goes up in flames.
They will jack you up.
If a fucking...
Air marshal?
Not an air marshal.
They got the TSA guys.
But then there's another level of...
Have you met the TSA guys?
Huh?
Unfortunately, I have.
I'll talk about Bozo.
I'm not talking about the TSA guys.
That's the Bozo brigade.
There's another level above that.
The clowns and browns.
The dudes with the guns and the fucking...
And the AR-15s.
Yeah.
One of them opens that fucking stall door and you have a fucking...
Listen.
If you're lighting toilet paper on fire, you're getting fucking packed up.
Mission impossible, baby.
I'm bonding there.
I'm in and out.
I'm not sitting around smoking, reading a paper, getting a few puffs, pop it in
the
toilet, make a couple stories, you know?
Edit it in post.
I'm not doing live edits.
I'm doing edits on an airplane.
I got a switcher, okay?
It edits itself.
I'm out in 10 minutes.
Toby, can you come to JFK with me?
Toby, if I email you, can you go back to me quickly?
That's stupid.
That's trashy.
Stop doing that.
And buy a vape.
It's always got to be something with you, doesn't it?
Let me tell...
I'm not doing another plane.
You forgot this, you forgot that.
He does come with a lot of clauses, this one.
Yes!
Yes!
Santa Claus is coming to town.
When you get real successful and real famous, you're going to be a problem.
What do you mean?
He's a problem now.
I'm a problem child, baby.
Ian's going to Ian, baby.
He has some power.
Listen, the whole world's getting fired ants.
You're...
And you got fired ants.
You got fired ants, bitch!
New show.
Hey, I'm just having fun.
You moved in with people for a couple of weeks.
I'm living my best life.
Yeah, you are.
I'm having a good time.
I'll give you that.
You're having a good time.
Thank you.
You're very you.
Yes.
We had a great time in Moontower.
We had a great time.
Spent the whole weekend together in Moontower.
Dude, that...
No fights, no blow-ups.
Just a good old-fashioned hang.
That was the best fucking weekend in the world.
We hanged...
Hung.
We hung the whole time.
Yeah.
That night, walking home.
We're fucking in the 7-Eleven, crying, laughing, and some stranger goes,
Wow, you guys really like to have fun.
Oh, I forgot about that.
I forgot we were...
What happened?
Do you remember what happened?
Dude...
I said something about Gatorade, and we lost it.
There's a half-eaten sausage in aisle seven, and we're just fucking crying,
laughing.
You were drunk, I was on a sack full of mushrooms.
Ian's just...
Ian's Ian-ing.
I'm Ian.
You said something about the Gatorade, that they only had low-cal Gatorade.
And for some reason, that made me fall into the bread aisle.
I was looking for the high octanes.
I don't know, but you left, and me and Foley are in line, and there's all these
toys,
and finally the fat man died down, and he got his shit together, wasn't
laughing.
We had that...
Oh, that sigh.
And dude, I squeezed this thing, and it went like...
And we fucking died all over again, like shaking, getting change from the cashier.
It was so much fun.
That was a hoot.
It was.
We went swimming in the watering hole.
We went down in a watering hole, bike ride.
Yes.
We were the biker boys, the scootin', bootin'.
Toby's 360 filming it.
That shit was fun.
Oh, my God.
Yep.
You guys are like Stockton and Malone over here.
Jesus Christ.
Talk about the fucking Iceman Square.
What the fuck?
Holy shit.
And that balloon deflated.
Fucking Pippin' and Pippin' over here.
We were having a good time.
I'm not going to lie.
I read the playbook wrong.
I knew that was coming to me.
Jesus Christ.
Woo-wee.
Oh, that was a no-look pass to a no-look catch.
Oh, yikes.
Gang, this is a family episode.
We have a little bit of company.
We're going to be reading your Patreon questions.
As you know, you sign up for Patreon, you get a question read on the air.
Bit of a backlog, as KJ says.
But don't worry.
KJ's going to get it done.
Oh, also, shout-out KJ.
We're going to the Menzingers, baby.
Yes, we are.
We're going to see the Menzingers.
Not-wait.
A group of us are going.
Yes.
Who's going?
Me.
Yes.
You.
Yes.
Foley.
Toby.
And Shane Torres was, but he can't now.
Cancel.
Yeah.
Yes.
He's out on tour at that Burke Kreischer.
Yes.
He's thinking it'll just be a family time?
What do you mean?
I'm going to try to sell it.
It's a VIP thing.
I'm going to try to hawk it out front.
Are you going to hawk it?
Are you going to try to make a little bit of cave?
I'm g