Name: AYG Comedy Podcast: Michael Blaustein - Maryland Kid
Uploaded: 2021-11-25T00:00:26.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'AYG Comedy Podcast: Michael Blaustein - Maryland Kid' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-11-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'AYG Comedy Podcast: Michael Blaustein - Maryland Kid' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-11-25. Transcript available.

AYG Comedy Podcast: Michael Blaustein - Maryland Kid

Hey gang, welcome to the R.U. Garbage Comedy Podcast.
Please make sure you subscribe, that way you get the episodes as they come out.
Welcome to another exciting edition of R.U. Garbage,
the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals
or absolute trash.
Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast.
This is R.U. Garbage.
Sure is.
It's a little show we sit down with your favorite comedians,
and we find out if they're good to be classy or just a big old piece of trash.
I'm your host H. Foley.
You sure?
Coming at you on a strokey day.
We're down here at Aunt Tootie's basement.
She's outside raking leaves.
Oh, yeah, it's fall.
Court appointed, but still.
She's at the neighbors.
My co-host is coming at you from right next to me.
He is the CEO of R.U. Garbage.
He's international businessman.
Cooks the books.
Keeps the feds off our back and the rain off our heads.
Give it up for KJ, Kevin James Ryan.
Hey, gang.
Happy to be here.
Thanks for tuning in.
As always, please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes.
Full video available on YouTube, and as you know, those numbers are...
True to real.
And then, what was that?
Fuck.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
No.
Patreon.com backslash.
I saw you, garbage.
Greatest website of all time.
Shout out.
Sign up.
Get your bonus content.
We're closing in on $20,000.
No big deal.
A couple of bucks.
Get me to France, baby.
Let's go.
I'm flying Yam Airlines over there.
Let's do it.
And how about a nice quick shout out to our producer extraordinaire, the Magic
Man, makes
us all look good.
Fantastic stand-up comedian, proud of the Chicago comedy scene, cut some tight
videos down there
in Houston that everybody loves.
Give it up for T-Bone McMuffin, Toby McMullen.
What up, dudes?
What up, T-Bone?
Nothing.
Got a lot of DMs.
I didn't know you could do that.
It's like, where you been?
What are you watching?
Come on.
What, the videos?
Sexual?
What are we talking about?
Not on the air, fool.
That's for Patreon.
Gang, we could not be more excited to have our incredibly special guest here
with us today
for the first time.
We got history.
Old pal.
Old pal from the fucking, from the village scene back in the day.
All of us climbing our way out of there, baby.
He's doing big things.
He's a very funny stand-up comedian, podcaster, and actor, and he is the co-host
of the amazing
Stiff Socks podcast with our good pal, Mr. Trevor Wallace.
The big question in everybody's mind today, is he garbage?
He's a good-looking kid, but I can see it in his eyes.
I feel like a guidance counselor.
You're no good.
I can tell.
Give it up for Michael Blaustein, everybody.
Oh, man.
I'm fucking happy to be here, man.
Always thought it was Blaustein.
Been friends with you for literally about 10 years.
Yeah.
You just corrected us today.
I don't correct anybody.
That's good.
I like that.
You know those people that like, the Starbucks people are like, uh, Samantha,
and the woman
comes, actually, Samantha.
Yeah.
Fuck you.
Yeah.
Can't fucking rock.
Will you send shit back in a restaurant or just leave it be?
Um, it's gotta be really fucked up.
That's a good kid right there.
I like that.
Because I was a server for so long, so it's gotta be like, if I ordered, like,
a chicken,
if I ordered, like, steak and it came chicken, that's when I'm like, eh, I didn't
order this.
But it's gotta be, you know what I mean?
It's gotta be.
That's really bad.
It's gotta be horrendous.
Sure.
I've only done it once or twice.
I feel like comics, because we had to work so many shitty jobs a lot, bars,
restaurants,
that no comic has really the confidence or the ability to send something back,
you know?
Yeah, because I just know the whole rigmarole that goes through the kitchen and
the waiter
and all the shit they gotta deal with behind the scenes, the chef's yelling,
you put it
in wrong, no, I didn't, fuck, all that shit.
So it's like, at this point, I'll have the rigatoni.
Fuck it.
I'll have it.
I'll have it.
I ordered the duck, but I'll take it.
Yeah, I'll take it.
That's not bad.
Then you're trying something new.
I like it, too.
Those kitchen politics or anybody who worked in a restaurant, it is stiff
negotiation.
Does this guy like you?
Does that guy like you?
Sometimes the fucking grill guy just hates your guts for whatever reason.
And then all of a sudden, he forgets to make your shit.
And then you look like an asshole.
Really?
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Very nice.
What is the origin story, Mr. Blaustein?
Where did you grow up?
Give us the full details.
I grew up in Silver Spring, Maryland.
What?
Yeah.
I thought you were Jersey.
Nah.
My hair says Jersey.
Yeah.
Silver Spring says the Simpsons.
Yeah.
My dick says Jewish.
Small dick joke off top, guys.
Hey, you'll fit in great here.
Hey.
Everyone's circumcised?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah.
We're not fucking muting.
No, Toby's not.
Oh, T-Bone's not.
Oh.
Sup?
Uncut little monster?
Oh, man.
Yeah.
I got that extended director's cut, dog.
That's crazy, dude.
Curtain matches the drapes, buddy.
Toby on Blu-ray.
I like it.
I don't even like to think about it.
I do.
I do.
This guy's high.
I don't.
I don't think about it.
I don't like it.
Silver Springs?
Yeah.
What kind of town are we talking?
Near Baltimore?
Where are we at?
It's about 35 minutes outside of Baltimore, about 15 minutes outside of D.C.
I feel like everybody says that whenever they're from Maryland.
About 35 minutes outside of Baltimore.
Yeah.
I mean, I literally just tell people in D.C.
Oh, that close, yeah.
Because the follow-up, it's like when people ask you what you do and you don't
want to say comic because there's a million other questions.
Sure.
Ready to come up with your bits.
That kind of shit.
I hate it.
Obviously, we all hate it.
But yeah, I just say D.C. normally, but I love you guys.
Plus, Baltimore.
Yeah.
We love you.
Yeah, yeah.
Come on.
Between Baltimore and D.C., I'm going with the politics.
We're going to lobbyist.
A lot of money.
A little bit of cash.
Hookers.
Georgetown.
Love them.
Love them.
Well, who doesn't like a nice hooker, you know?
Silver Springs hooker.
Those are wild.
I've never had one.
Those are fucking baseline prices.
I'll be there in 35 minutes.
Liquidation the pussy.
Nice town?
Yeah.
Suburban lifestyle?
Suburban lifestyle.
I had a cul-de-sac.
Oh, I was also a cul-de-sac kid.
What a very nice...
Now, when you say you had a cul-de-sac, your house was in the cul-de-sac or
there was a
cul-de-sac in your neighborhood?
There was a cul-de-sac at the end of my street.
I wasn't a cul-de-sac kid.
Yikes, got to take that fist pump back.
Oh, you were...
Oh, my God.
You were on the cul-de-sac.
This guy.
I was in the loop.
The basketball and that out there and everything.
I was in the loop, baby.
I was actually jealous of people in the loop.
You should be.
Oh, fuck.
It was beautiful there.
Because there was a basketball court.
They had a basketball court right there and no cards going around to the cul-de-sac.
And they were...
Those three or four houses were always more unified than the rest of the
neighborhood.
We were a tight-knit group.
It was a tight-knit group because they knew they had it really good.
Yeah.
Fucking...
We'd get together on Friday nights and laugh at you, regular street bozos.
That's what we would do.
No shit.
Were you friends with the kids in the cul-de-sac, though?
They'd let you down there to shoot hoops every once in a while?
Here's the thing.
Here's the thing.
They try you like a caddy you get one day a year.
You're a second-class citizen if you're on the avenue.
It's not a good look.
The rest of the neighborhood gets one day a year to use the basketball courts.
They have a little cookout for you.
Dude, I worked at a country club and they didn't let...
They let women on the country club one day a year.
Really?
No, I'm sorry.
Two days a year.
Christmas Eve and Thanksgiving.
That was it.
That's the life shit.
Just to make dinner and then they kicked them off?
Oh, for real.
That's nuts.
Was that in D.C.?
Yeah.
It's called Burning Tree Country Club.
Old school.
A little bit of cash.
Oh, yeah.
That doesn't sound too new school.
Burning Tree.
Not the most progressive bunch of boys.
So this was...
So Silver Springs sounds nice.
A little upper middle class.
I wouldn't say upper.
I would say middle.
Okay.
I would say middle class.
Middle class.
Did your parents belong to that country club?
No, no, no.
That country club was like for like Allen Greensboro or whatever the fuck his
name is.
I don't even know.
I don't even think that's a Greensboro.
That's about a thing.
That's the guy.
That's the town in North Carolina.
Allen Greensboro is a race car driver.
Sponsored by Winston.
Number 28 NASCAR last year.
All right.
Yeah.
So...
Brothers, sisters?
So I have one older sister, one younger brother.
How old?
What's the age difference?
Age at my...
So it's my younger brother is technically my half brother.
Okay.
Yeah, my mom had two.
A little getting messy.
Two marriage.
I got half brothers, too.
Technically is what drops you in the trash, too.
Yeah, yeah.
Because there is no technically.
He is.
But you know the difference, right?
Because I think if you...
Because I was born, raised with this dude.
So in my head, I'm like, that's my brother.
All right.
Okay.
You know what I mean?
Are you guys still close?
Super close.
I mean, I call him my brother.
That's why I say technically.
But yeah, I mean, he's like my fucking...
My brother.
You and your sister, same mom, same dad.
Same mom, same dad.
How much older is you?
My sister's two years older than me.
Nice.
And my brother's 10 years younger than me.
Ooh.
So like...
Oh, that's exactly what I have.
So you're a child of divorce.
Your parents got divorced.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Divorced.
When I was six months.
Holy shit.
To me, it's funny.
Man.
Whoa.
Six.
I didn't even stick around to meet you.
That's what I'm saying.
It's funny to look at someone that has...
I don't like to look at this kid.
I'm out of here.
It's funny just in my head to look at a six-month-old kid and be like, I'm
going to bounce.
Just don't do it for me.
They said I was going to love him no matter what, but I don't think so.
Did your dad stay around?
Like, was he in the area?
So my dad stayed in the area for like maybe three, four years.
Okay.
In Virginia.
And then he moved to Texas.
Wow.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Are you close with him?
I'm close with him now.
Right.
Would you go to Texas and stuff to see him for like a week or two at a time?
He would come like periodically.
Did he start a new family?
No, he did not.
Never did.
Dude, he got engaged like, I'm not shitting you, like four times.
Oh, man.
This guy's got issues.
Yeah, yeah.
He wanted out.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
He wanted to be free.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Fucking motorcycle tearing out of the cul-de-sac.
Oh, yeah.
He just standing there with the basketball bouncing.
Yeah, we didn't have-
Six months old.
Yikes.
He left before your first step, so you couldn't follow him.
Damn it.
I got to get out of here before this tale starts.
I got to fucking shake this kid.
He's going to be all over me.
So how quick did your mom get remarried?
I was 10.
You were 10?
I was 10.
So for a while, it was just you, your sister, and your mom.
And me and my sister, my mom.
And what did your mom do?
She's a nurse.
Ooh.
A hospice nurse.
Okay.
So carrying all that baggage.
But she does well.
She was able to support you guys.
I mean, in the beginning, it was tough.
It was dicey.
Yeah, I don't know what you heard about a hospice nurse.
It goes, oh, she does well.
I thought nurses do well.
Yeah, but that's a one-income family.
His dad walked out of him in six months.
I'm trying to help the kid out.
Jesus Christ.
Holy shit.
Never have you work at the Santa Claus shop.
Yeah, well, he's like, no, it was.
He's like, money was tight.
That's what I'm getting at.
Yeah, money was a bit tight for a few years.
She figured it out.
