Name: Are You Garbage: Comedy Special 2021
Uploaded: 2021-12-21T17:00:13.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Are You Garbage: Comedy Special 2021' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-12-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Are You Garbage: Comedy Special 2021' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-12-21. Transcript available.

Are You Garbage: Comedy Special 2021

Hey, if there's law enforcement here, you have to be cool, too, okay?
I don't know why you would say this.
Get him outside, like to catch a predator.
Tackle him outside.
He walks out and just gets tackled.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
She said she was 18.
Did you agree to buy two tickets to the show tonight,
but your buddy drives because you have an active warrant in the state of
Massachusetts?
What in the motherless fuck are we doing here?
Thanks for coming, buddy.
That's a fucking van right there, goddammit.
Anybody else got papers on them?
Welcome to an exciting special from R.U. Garbage.
We traveled the country answering your questions
to find out if you're classy individuals or absolute trash.
Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
Jesus Christ.
Let's start off with a real fucking humdinger here.
Where's Jennifer S.?
Have you done this, Jennifer?
Oh, my God.
Frequently?
This is the leftovers, right?
Oh, my God.
Have you ever taken leftovers to the beach and eaten them cold?
What are you taking with you?
Meatloaf.
Meatloaf on the beach?
Will you marry me?
Baby, it's over.
Meatloaf on the beach.
That's got a little chubby right there, I'll tell you that right now.
That's fucking trash.
Yeah.
Fucking sandy meatloaf?
What the fuck?
What did you get to meatloaf?
Oh, you took homemade meatloaf?
I...
Can we get security in here, please?
I'll pay the tab, just get them out of here.
Let me ask you this real quick.
Does your mom throw down a pretty decent meatloaf?
Well, all right, relax.
She's a chef.
No, she uses the good ketchup, I swear.
My aunt's a bus driver.
Hers is pretty good, too.
She's a chef.
Does she do it with truffles, black truffles all the time?
Shut up!
Fucking...
Jesus.
Man, he really thought that was going to save him.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Can we get some champagne for the table?
What, she working a high school?
What the fuck?
Ah, that's beautiful.
Clap it up for Jennifer.
Give a nice big round of applause, Philly.
Because I know there's a couple motherfuckers out there like,
damn, that's a pretty good idea.
No, that's a horrible idea.
God damn.
That one bothered me deep.
All right, where's Jeremy Kay at?
You sent in a couple, right?
Have you ever done one with the toaster?
Oh, God damn it.
I like where this is going.
Ever light a cig off a toaster?
God damn!
How good was the meth?
Holy shit!
You're my Superman.
You're my Superman.
Was it a toaster oven or a toaster?
You got to pull the thing down.
Oh, that's fucking trash.
Was there toast in there when you were doing it?
It's just morning Bernie.
He's got to have it.
Part of a balanced breakfast.
Man, the stove, maybe in a pinch.
Yeah, stove, something.
Walk to the store and get matches.
Also, that means you're smoking in your house.
So you didn't take that outside with you, did you?
Jesus.
Holy shit.
Oh, my God.
Clap it up for Jeremy.
That's fucking awesome.
It's trash.
This one, I mean, this is a crime.
Paul S.
How many times can I claim fraud on an online casino until it turns to a
federal crime?
What are we, fucking Jacoby and Myers?
Yeah.
Where are you?
Yeah, of course.
He goes, it's me.
Look, over here.
What are you doing?
What's the scam?
Only that guy with that voice would say, just call and say it wasn't me.
Wait.
You mean, like, if you go to the casino and lose all your money, then you call?
No, online.
He's not.
They don't let him into casinos.
What is it so you'll lose $1,000 playing poker?
Oh, the Philly accent's really coming through?
Overseas.
This guy's fucking beautiful.
Yeah.
These stupid Europeans don't know what fucking hit him, dude.
I live up on Street Road.
Took this fucking jerk off in France for, like, two grand.
I feel like part of this crime now.
You are.
God damn it.
Wait.
Stop.
Start from the beginning.
It comes up.
So you'll lose.
You'll play overseas and lose money.
And then you'll call the casino.
You don't have an American Express card.
What are we doing here?
What are we doing here?
Prepaid, maybe.
You're a Capital One guy.
This has Navy Federal written all over it.
Shout out to Navy Federal.
Yeah.
So you'll call Amex and say, hey, I don't know what this foreign charge is.
Pretty much.
Pretty much.
And then that's it.
Well, you really thought this one out.
And then here's the big thing.
I'll go into a public place and talk about it.
That's for sure being recorded and going to be put on the internet.
Matthew, where are you at?
Where are you at, Manny?
All the way in the back.
Yeah, what's up, guys?
Who are you guys here with?
My wife and my brother.
Your wife and your brother.
Nice.
He sounds like he doesn't fuck around.
Be careful.
He was like, why are you asking me questions?
Yeah.
Why are you talking to me after I emailed you asking to talk to me?
Does your family do this?
My dad is everything.
See, your dad's family is your family, dude.
I'm sorry.
I like how you're trying to distance yourself early.
It's my dad's family.
You know, my dad, his wife, my brother, my sister.
It's his family.
It's my brother's dad.
Well, is he your dad, too?
Yeah, kind of.
He's my dad, too.
Yeah, but he's also my brother's dad.
I don't really know him.
I never met the guy.
I've lived with him for 25 years, but, you know, I just see him in the hallway
and shit.
All right.
Matthew's question is, you ever share a kitchen towel as a communal napkin at
dinner with your family?
You fucking animal.
You fucking animal.
Dude, spaghetti night has to be rough.
That is a tough look.
Who wants wings?
Wiping other people's sauces on your face?
Holy shit.
At Thanksgiving, it's a beach towel.
We got company.
They're using one of my shirts.
Do they still do that?
You're lying.
She's like, you're the fucking fact checker all of a sudden?
He lying.
This lady thinks she's on Mori or something like that.
This is the scariest one I think I've ever, I mean, I've fielded thousands of
fucking questions.
Emma.
Oh, yeah.
Okay.
What was that?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
I don't know, but they're fucking creeps by this way.
All right.
Who are you here with?
So, you're Emma and you're Dan.
How long have you guys been together?
Three years.
Nice.
And did you know this about her?
One of the first times you hung out, she dropped this fucking A-bomb on you?
And you stuck around like a fucking bozo?
Don't listen to him.
Love is love.
What is it?
Have you?
Okay.
Hold on.
Don't listen.
Have you ever frozen your dead dog?
Yo, get the fuck over here, man.
Come on.
Dan, get out.
Come on.
You're going to end up in a freezer.
That's going to be you, man.
That's you.
If your dad does it, you do it.
If there was a dog in your freezer, that's a bad look.
Dan, good luck living in her garage fridge.
Yeah.
We're all out of ice pops.
Take sprinkles, will you?
Holy shit.
That is fucking strange.
Is it still in there?
Oh, I'm not.
She's like, no, no, no.
We're not crazy.
We only froze it for a couple of months.
You should freeze your dad.
That's what you have to do.
From here, we're going home and freezing your dad.
This is crazy.
Twice.
I think your dad's killing the dogs and then freezing the dogs.
Dude, run.
Everybody stay away from these people tonight.
That's actually very sweet.
Give him a nice big round of applause.
No, no, no.
No.
I just hope Kippy does that for me one day.
It's got to be a big freezer.
It's got to be a walk-in.
You're eating a sandwich.
The bite that got away.
I mean, typically I ask if you've done this, anyone you're fat, but his
question kind of gives it away.
Is it garbage to pregame a 7 p.m. comedy show at Margaritaville in Times Square?
It ain't fucking classy, I'll tell you that much.
What were you drinking?
I got to know.
Jesus Christ.
Jesus Christ, dude.
Man.
I like how trash the crowd is.
They're booing Land Sharks.
That's awesome.
Rolling rock or nothing with these boys.
Not even a margarita?
He's like, I got to give back to the big man somehow.
Got to pay it up to the Buffett.
Buffett owns Land Sharks.
Dude, the fact that you know that is trash.
Yeah.
No, Buffett's got like 51% of that company right now.
I know that for sure.
He's still on the board.
I know that much.
Yeah, shit.
He got my money.
Trash, but we love you.
Give him a nice round of applause, Gary.
Give him a round of applause for Andy.
Look at that.
Kicking it off.
Where's Lee Kay at?
Lee's a pretty trash name, too.
I got to tell you that.
Unless you want a jean fortune.
That's pretty garbage.
What is the full version of Lee?
Just Lee?
That's trash.
No last name or nothing?
Yeah, the one over there in the corner, we just call Lee.
Has your mom done this?
This is psychopath shit.
Has your mom ever tried to trick your family into eating Hunt's ketchup by
putting it into a Heinz bottle?
God damn.
That's terroristic shit right there.
That's homeland terrorism.
Dude, she's a Russian fucking agent.
I'll tell you that.
The next step is she poisoned you.
That's fucked up.
She's not here.
I love my mom very much.
Just kidding.
Dude, you got issues if that's how you make that scene.
Go see a therapist.
BetterHelp.com slash garbage.
Oh, quit bragging.
He's like, I don't want to get it twisted.
We can afford Heinz 57.
We got the extra 39 cents a week.
Yeah, girls.
We got Heinz ketchup money.
You girls like A1 steak sauce?
All right.
I got one question in the logistics here.
What happened to the Heinz that she bought?
She squirted that down the drain?
Damn, what a fucking psycho.
God damn.
That's like a dirtball episode of Succession or something like that.
I'm going to destroy this family from the inside.
Yeah, no, that's trash if you were looking for an answer.
What's she putting in the mustard?
Toothpaste?
Fuck these ingrates.
Damn, that's fucked up, man.
Where's Alan M at?
There he is.
What's up, buddy?
How are you?
Looks like a strapping young man.
How are you, buddy?
You do not look thrilled to be here for some reason.
He's drinking a Pellegrino, too.
Classy gentleman.
Yeah, he's a little upset.
His question is, is it garbage for your two friends not to pay you back for
tonight's comedy show?
Ah, you're fucked.
You'll be chasing that Venmo for a week.
Yeah.
That's great.
Clap it up for Alan, everybody.
That's fantastic.
Garbage.
New York, you're garbage.
All right, let's get into it here.
Where is Mike G?
Oh, in the back.
What's up, buddy?
How are you?
Your question about the car, has that happened to you?
Yes, yes, in the early 90s.
His question is, have you...
The early 90s.
It's garbage already.
Mike's question is, have you ever owned a car with a carbon monoxide leak?
Wait, what?
What the fuck?
So what, you're on the clock every time you get in the car?
Yeah.
He's got his head out the window like Ace Ventura?
Holy shit.
What kind of car was it?
Are you sure it wasn't a McLaren?
No one ever has to take the Beamer to the shop for a carbon monoxide leak.
Hey, I got my radon leaking again.
Did you get a fix or were you just falling asleep at red lights?
What would happen is we would always have, like, really bad headaches, right?
We didn't just run into the mechanic, but basically what saved our lives is
that the AC didn't work.
It's been in the windowsill.
No.
Jesus Christ, dude.
So being garbage technically saved your life.
Yeah.
Hey, you boys are lucky that AC wasn't working.
You'd have been dead before you got out of Houston.
I'll tell you that.
Son of a bitch.
Holy shit, dude.
Good thing you had one of them tree air fresheners.
That probably saved your life.
Is that black ice you got?
Real nice.
I've never had a mechanic tell me, you almost died.
That's fucking trash, man.
All right.
Where's Rachel at?
Rachel, hey, how are you?
Who are you here with?
My fiance, Adam.
Oh, nice.
Clap it up.
Fiance.
There we go.
Look at him.
And what does he do?
Sounds like he makes a little cash.
I approve.
Yeah.
Are you going to try to hire the guy?
What do you mean?
Do you have your resume on you, sir?
Just want to make sure she's getting involved with a good family.
All right.
Well, this is in the same thing.
Have you done this, I presume?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Houston and t