Name: AYG Comedy Podcast: Sean Patton Returns!
Uploaded: 2022-01-20T02:13:52.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'AYG Comedy Podcast: Sean Patton Returns!' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-01-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'AYG Comedy Podcast: Sean Patton Returns!' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-01-20. Transcript available.

AYG Comedy Podcast: Sean Patton Returns!

gang just want to remind you that the are you garbage comedy special is on our
youtube page
right now it is it is our favorite moments from last year's tour and speaking
of tours
we're here to announce 2022 the middle class famous tour baby new cities new
trash new money
yeah gang we're coming to hartford albany syracuse atlanta tampa orlando pittsburgh
buffalo detroit
denver phoenix salt lake city chicago rosemont and this is just part one plenty
of cities coming
after that it's live stand up live ayg it's a good time get your tickets now we'll
see you there
welcome to another exciting edition of are you garbage the show where you find
out if your
favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash now here are your
hosts kevin ryan and h foley
hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast
this is
are you garbage yeah it is it's a little show we sit down with your favorite
comedians and we find
that if they grow it to be classy or to just a big old piece of trash i'm your
host stage fully coming
at you on a beautiful day down here at anthony's basement she's outside just
set up a lemonade stand
just lean but still she's trying selling scissor my co-host is coming at you
from right next to me
he's the ceo of are you garbage she's international man of business and mystery
sexuality yes we like it give it up for kj kippy kevin james ryan hey gang
thanks for tuning in as
always please make sure you rate view subscribe on itunes full video available
on youtube and as you
know those numbers are true roof thank you and then obviously the greatest
website of all time patreon.com
slash are you garbage sweet lord we're about a hundred and so patrons away from
our next goal
which is taking the big man to disney world for me epcot yeah i want a big lolly
and some mickey ears
drinking around the world so check it out uh how about a nice quick shout out
to our producer
extraordinaire the magic man the brains behind the are you garbage special uh-huh
it's on youtube
right now you got to check it out give it up for t-bone mcmuffin toby mcmullen
what's up dudes hey
t-bone i wouldn't say i'm the full brains we got a big-headed man sitting at
that table who also
contributed quite a bit i had 104 fever at the time so i don't know i didn't
even know if you were on
the other line of the phone gang we could not and i mean could not be more
excited to have our
incredibly special guest back with us again today if you haven't seen this
episode you got to go back
and check it out one of the funniest stand-up comedians out there right now he
has a brand
new album out right now called king scorpio and he's going to be filming his
first official special
february 3rd down there in new orleans at tip patina's he's doing two shows a
seven and a nine
real classy you can get some tics at me seanpatten.com do me a favor give me a
nice put down what you have
in front of you put the kids to the side for a second stop making dinner and
give me a nice big round
of applause for mr sean patten everybody come on he's one of the best personal
fave personal fave
of ours you know what i want i want there to be i want to can i thank you thank
you guys for having
me back by the way of course first and foremost and nice to meet you toby i don't
think i think you
were i think you were uh last time i was on it was not toby it wasn't it wasn't
it wasn't born yet
it was not alive yet toby he was toby was still in the test tube
elon musk was making them somewhere right but still trying to figure out his
battery
there should be a patreon uh tier where if you guys get to it you guys will
read any bedtime story
oh that's pretty good because the two of you together oh yeah yeah reading any
bedtime story
listen kids all right listen what you want to do is you want to go down there
the problem with the
dwarves there were seven of them but only four of them was union i didn't
understand so hey come in
they got this fucking broad sleeping in their bed they're out of work all day
they come back
she didn't make dinner or not and she's got her grandmoms come looking forward
the fucking horses
start coming now they're coming with fucking axes and pitchforks for us yeah
anyway but they got
the security system right and that cost an arm and a freaking leg there i can't
i can't do the
fuck i feel like i have the philly accent for like one sentence and then it
just i lose it too
yeah it falls off you have you actually you don't yeah i don't think you'll
ever lose i don't think
uh oh no you're like yeah you're like jordan with a jump shot yeah i always go
look with
you're waking up in a dead dead sleeping in a three i'm sorry i'm sorry alan iverson
yes with the
crossover yes i mean remember who i'm talking to talking to yeah this uh it's i
i that's good to
it's good to be back good here because i like uh i like this podcast because i
like it what you guys
did after the last time i did it was it made me really examine my life we get
that a lot yeah you
look inward a lot you are you look inward and you're like wait a second to what
and then you
start to flip it around and be like wait a second is garbage just what we're
told by the fucking
one percent by the powers that be they do it too who say this is a bad thing to
be when in reality
it's we're the beautiful everyone's got blood on their hands yes we are the
beautiful the garbage is
the beautiful with that without a doubt now there's lines that slip and they
fall and they cross and
it gets a little dicey and stuff like that but for the most part it's good to
be garbage you can't have
garbage without a good time yes it's a good fucking time yeah good garbage nice
box of wine bad garbage
leaving your cigarette out in front of the 7-elev when you go in to get a taquito
right right they come
out and rip it good garbage you know some empty condom wrappers you know uh
time even if you're by
yourself that's a dress right right you know what i mean uh you know bad time
uh a bad garbage you
know aborted fetus yeah yeah did you guys did you guys my first experience with
a condom definitely
wasn't with a woman no i definitely tried there was definitely there was
definitely some dress
rehearsals yeah i don't trust i don't trust anyone who first time with a condom
was with a woman how
would you know what did yeah you had to figure it out on your own when i was a
kid i when we talk
about it like little league about condoms and rubbers i thought it was like her
steam rubbers is
it yeah we called them rubbers back then yeah i think doctors i think doctors
called them rubbers
hey kid you got rubbers on you i think they actually were originally trademarked
as rubbers yeah
no that's rubbers is tough rubbers is not a that makes me weird you got your
rubbers on you
yeah you got a rubbers wait what was another rubbers uh uh jimmy jimmy jimmy jimmy's
jimmy's is bad
too jimmy's was a i mean i can tell you right now the first my first ever this
will if i didn't say
this on the last podcast this was in a store no i mean sorry you have to buy
those one of the first
things i ever stole was a box of condoms nice really right and i and i masturbated
in each and
every one of them it was like it was like it was an eight day trial period of
just like doing it again
you returned them didn't like it i fell asleep right after this uh you know i
was 14 i was very
lubricating though when you put it on for the first time oh wait a minute well
it's all i don't need
the broad yeah it's almost like i'm saving movie money sure yeah ripped for my
pleasure
the moment you put it on you're just like wait this is just the protection uh
yeah well it's this is
gonna be awesome what's it protecting me from being more awesome yeah well it's
the first time you have
like a new sensation as like a whatever a 14 year old or whatever you know what
i mean instead of just
like some lube or conditioner in the shower that's a good thing as well you
ever make the mistake and
go shampoo sure yeah sure yeah catch a stinger i did this washer so palm olive
and then left it on
there like an idiot and my skin peeled like i was fucking it was bad it was
like hiroshima down there
it was tough i do it i'm screaming in the streets i remember using a fucking
you ever you remember when
i mean i don't think this is an age-specific thing but it happened a lot more
when you're younger
when you just go on a masturbation tear yeah like specifically the first time
you ever saw internet
porn you're like this is just free oh and unlimited and thumbnails yeah i
remember being 20 years old
just going on a fucking tear but i was using prel right shampoo you know that's
the tough stuff
the hard stuff yeah what are you trying to get the curls out what are you doing
that i just wasn't
i just hadn't put two and two together that were you in the shower or no you
were outside outside of
the shower using shampoo yeah yeah because it was just a bad place by his own
rules bad move
but it ruined it ruined my unit for like three or four three to five days it
was just a it was you
know what i mean it was like i was a burn victim you know and uh and i and it
was the only time i've
ever had a great bounce though i'll tell you that oh yeah oh yeah yeah what
what a lot of volume
smelled smelled like springtime but i actually missed the chance to actually
hook up with a
woman because of that because it was all banged up ah yeah irony right there
yeah yeah yeah
yeah yeah yeah yeah treat yourself like an amusement park i think that was a
charles that was charles
dickens example of irony itself or or or uh activity and consequence on a fortnight
i was masturbating
with pro that's dude to masturbate on a couch or a computer chair computer
chair with shampoo that's
crazy that's crazy to me it was it was the one it's got to get everywhere there
was no lotion in the house
there was no lotion uh i had used the conditioner was done and in my head i was
just like well
the condition i broke up the week before yeah let me just say this i bought the
conditioner was done
and never once did i use it in my hair all right uh but yeah like i was like
whatever same thing same
difference the conditioner is the hardest you go yeah you don't you don't go
shampoo yeah you gotta go
don't go soap especially in the not some herbal essence or something back in
the 90s early 2000s
herbal essence is the lightest you would want to go but yeah i mean if you did
shampoo herbal essence
shampoo was very very organic very clean oh yeah dude the go-to for years was
pam just
just it's one spray and the lubrication factor is just it's you know because
the heat it's the heat
it's built for heat it's built to withstand heat plus the eggs don't stick
slipping all over the place
exactly why why would they give it a lady's name if they when we took off with
it
it's not called pete you know what i mean
seductive pam there you go holy shit pat oh yeah damn now you bringing that
into the room
and hold on is this as a kid i mean so you're operating behind enemy lines you're
not sneaking
down to the pantry in the middle of the night and they're running back up well
my my my like best
friend growing up had like a garage room with a foosball table in it and a
couch so we would all
you know we had three cases of pam for well well pam to lube up the uh the the
foosball rods ah okay
and one of these nights when we were drunk hammered and i was you know and
everybody people had gone
into the house and i was i'm like i'm just gonna crash in here on the couch and
there were nudie mags
and i was like i mean it fucking it loops up the foosball rods i get it in
theory it does make
that's pretty close to using wd-40 i'll tell you that right it is it is it is
you're real close to
jerking off with caulk yeah you got the gun just give me a minute give me a
minute
check it off with window caulk like a scumbag there you go bro ouch i'm serious
no i mean dude pam is
and it's and it's you lose it's like olive oil b