Name: AYG Comedy Podcast: Ryan Long Returns!
Uploaded: 2022-01-27T01:39:26.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'AYG Comedy Podcast: Ryan Long Returns!' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-01-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'AYG Comedy Podcast: Ryan Long Returns!' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-01-27. Transcript available.

AYG Comedy Podcast: Ryan Long Returns!

Gang, the Middle Class Famous Tour is about to be in full effect.
Come out and see us.
It's a great way to introduce some new people to the show.
So grab the homies, grab the ladies, the birds, the bozos, everybody, and come
see us.
Yeah, guys, we're going to be in Hartford, Albany, Syracuse, Atlanta, Tampa,
Orlando, Pittsburgh, Buffalo.
We ain't done yet.
Detroit, Denver, Phoenix, Salt Lake City, Chicago.
Then over there to Rosemann.
And that's just the first leg of the tour.
Going to be coming, so get the techies.
We'll see you there.
Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage?
The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals
or absolute trash.
Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast.
This is Are You Garbage?
It's a little show we sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find out if
they're going to be classy or just a big old piece of trash.
I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day.
We're down here at Antutti's basement.
Good news starts a brand new job Monday.
Okay.
Yep.
Going to be mule-ing for a little while.
My co-host is coming at you from right next to me.
He is the CEO of Are You Garbage?
He's an international businessman.
Let me tell you something, gang.
The next time you're reaching for a best pal, do yourself a favor.
Make it a kippy, because it comes with a bunch of zeros.
Give it up for KJ, Kevin James Ryan.
Really hamming me up at the end of the fucking month, huh?
I know how you want that Patreon process.
That YouTube money's about to hit.
What do you mean?
I got my room cleaned and all my chores done.
What's up, gang?
Thanks for tuning in.
As always, please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes.
Full video available on YouTube.
As you know, those numbers are...
True to roof.
...cooking baby.
And then, obviously, patreon.com, the greatest website of all time.
It's going to go down in history, believe it or not.
You can sign up.
You get bonus content, AYG, hard feelings, live streams, the whole nine yards.
Check it the fuck out.
And how about a nice quick shout-out to our producer extraordinaire,
the magic man, makes us all look good.
We love him.
You love him.
T-Bone McMuffin, Toby McMullen.
What's up, dudes?
Everybody.
Hey, T-Bone.
I'm excited.
We got the hottest guy in school.
I hope he has one for us.
He is dreamy.
Oh, man.
Getting a ride home from this kid?
Woo!
He drives a T-top, for sure.
This fucking kid.
Your mom's hanging out the front window in a low top?
No shit.
Gang, we could not be more excited to have our incredibly special guest,
and I mean incredibly special guest, back with us again today.
Family episode.
We got a little company in the building.
He's the host of the Boys Cast Podcast.
You know him.
You love him.
Give it up for Mr. Ryan Long, everybody.
Boys in the place.
Also, I have been recently telling people I'm going by Kevin James Ryan.
Oh, is that your name now?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I've been...
As long as I get some of those YouTube checks, I don't mind being...
Ryan Kevin James.
That's what I'm going with.
Why, is your middle name Kevin?
Yeah, it is now.
I switch things up.
This guy's stealing my identity.
Yeah, no.
Turned into a sociopath real quick.
Yeah.
I've been chatting with the high school kids.
No, that whole high school thing.
Don't use my name to chat with the high school kids, please.
That whole high school thing was accurate.
It was just recently.
Just a couple of weeks ago.
I didn't catch him the first round.
I go back now.
I go, did you guys see my YouTube videos?
Standing there with a boom mic or something.
You got a football in it of your shoulder.
Oh.
Oh, good stuff.
Buddy, how are you, man?
Boys are in the building.
Yeah, we're having...
I was going to tell you guys that we had a garbage controversy on our podcast
last week.
Lay it on us.
So Danny Polischuk has been going off about how he thinks that after you finish
with condoms,
you flush them down the toilet.
Which I thought for a while is what you did as well.
If you're a hitman.
Jesus Christ.
If you're a hitman.
You flush them down the toilet.
Yeah, they jam up the plumbing, I've heard.
That's what he said.
And he's saying he's flushing them.
I mean, his are smaller, but he's been...
I don't know.
Give me a close call.
Barely a mouthful.
No, he's been flushing his whole life, and he's had clogged toilets, and we
found out
this why, and everyone in the comments was like, this is fucking bullshit.
And then someone told us that there was this one guy that he was a plumber, and
this guy's
toilet was so clogged, and then they unclogged it with all these condoms.
And he's like, well, I don't use condoms with my wife.
Oh, god damn.
That's what I think I found out.
That his wife...
Yeah, well, you wouldn't use condoms with your wife.
That's crazy.
If you're that plumber, do you still charge the guy?
What do you do?
Hey, buddy, this one's on the house.
You can ask the guy that she was fucking Daniel Polish, Chuck, co-host of the
BoyzCast.
Flushing him.
Hold on.
High school, you're in a pinch if you're at your high school girlfriend or
college girlfriend's
parents' house.
Yeah, you don't want to leave that evidence around.
Just out of respect.
You don't want to throw it in the old man's face.
It's like, yeah, well, you guys were at Christmas shop when I was home on the
couch doing shit
to your daughter, you know?
Sure.
I said you wrap it in a piece of toilet paper and take it because that's
because you can't
trust the...
Take it!
Take it!
I've 100% done that, yeah.
Well, because...
What the...
What are you, Dexter?
I've taken them as well.
You've taken them?
What?
You know, well, that's after when you...
Well, yeah.
And then she goes, where is it?
And then you pull it out of the girl's ear.
It's a fun...
Got your nose.
It's a fun bit for the next time you see her.
I've definitely...
I've taken...
I've done everything with them.
I've thrown them off a bridge.
Whatever you need.
I treat it like a fucking...
Like a gun without the serial numbers.
Put one on concrete and threw it in a river?
Yeah.
You got...
I mean...
Yeah, trash can if that's applicable.
I thought you wrap it up in a lot of toilet paper and just put it in the trash
can.
The trash can's fine.
If you're an adult.
Of course.
If you're an adult.
No, but that's the thing.
Like on the tours and stuff like that, you can't always trust the...
What?
I mean, that's why Drake was...
Yeah, Drake puts hot sauce.
He didn't hear the thing.
So Drake puts hot sauce on the condoms to kill the sperms.
Uh-huh.
And then if the girl tries to...
First of all, it kills the sperms, but then also it's a little extra punishment
for her
if she tries to get it up there.
Oh, that's why it doesn't?
It happens.
This is like not a made-up thing.
It happened a lot of...
Especially in the past.
Basketball players?
Basketball players.
Yeah, that's not happening to KJ.
in Raleigh on a Tuesday, all right?
Oh, they see those...
I'm married, by the way.
What are we talking about?
They see those Patreon numbers, Clive?
You don't get to the bus.
I love you, babe.
Don't forget, she paid for this fucking place.
I wasn't thinking like that.
We're not on a fucking whoop tour.
This is hypothetical.
Yeah, totally...
T-Bone, zoom in.
Totally hypothetical.
It really is, though.
Well, this isn't the clip.
I'm just...
I'm just blown away.
Listen, I'll give it to the kid, but the arrogance of you, you're taking it.
It is.
That's crazy.
I'm not taking it.
I'm not taking it because I think she's going to use it.
I'm taking it to go home and plant a tree.
Kevin just lived in the skulls.
Seven years ago, too.
Also, I jerked off in it.
She wants half of your Chevy Lumina.
Also, I jerked off in it.
Do you guys tie?
I don't tie it off.
No, that's crazy.
Well, no, I obviously tie it off because, you know...
Dude, who are you guys?
Seriously.
What?
Do we tie what?
Do we tie...
What's going on?
I don't tie.
Is this a setup?
Tie what, man?
What?
You tie the condom off before you throw it out?
You know what a real G move is you leave it on.
You go...
I go to the bank, do whatever.
You know, I run my errands with it.
You start getting soft.
You put an elastic around.
You go, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, rubber band on there?
I see you.
Oh, man.
A soft PP and a used condom.
That's a tough one.
Yeah.
Yikes.
I go from Saturday night to Sunday morning real quick.
Yeah.
It's bad.
Yeah, it's not a party down there.
But you've never...
You've had to flush one before.
Listen, I said...
It shouldn't be operation.
The plumber community was having a field...
They were not happy.
Yeah.
No, yeah.
It'll fucking...
It'll clog you up.
Get stuck in a pee trap.
Shout out to the plumber's local.
But here's the thing.
As a...
You know...
He hoops it.
Well, that's why you tie it up.
You know, you don't want that stuff getting loose.
I throw it over the telephone wire.
You go...
Like a pair of sneaks.
That's you at the airport getting busted.
And they go, what's in your ass?
Is this drugs?
You go, I can explain it.
There's gold diggers out there, sir.
You're trying to trap me, officer.
I have a podcast.
Have you ever heard of Patreon?
We do pretty well over there.
I don't want one of these whores coming after me.
Anyways, how'd they go in?
Now, you gentlemen will excuse me.
I need some more rubbers.
I got to be in St. Myers, Florida in two hours.
Hold on.
As a discretionary measure in certain situations coming up, yes.
As an adult living a single life, you know, doing your own thing,
flushing it is crazy.
Sure.
Yeah.
Either one of you bozos taking it to go like a fucking doggy bag is crazy.
And fucking Circus Gym over here tying them up is nuts.
Tying them up is pretty bonkos, dude.
Well, then you pin it to your wall and write the girl's name over top of it.
Give it to the bearded lady or something.
You put that over the beer funnel.
Like they're batting gloves.
It's the world's grossest water balloon.
That goes on the fucking Bud Light mantle.
Oh, no.
Yeah.
Tie it up.
I've never tied.
I've taken it.
I'm assuming I have in the...
First of all, how much length you got in that thing that you can make a full
knot?
I get like halfway through that thing.
Oh, I can make a giraffe, dog.
What are you talking about?
Toby's double knotting it.
I can barely make an earthworm.
There's supposed to be extra room at the end, right?
That's for Jesus.
What the fuck?
Leave room for Jesus in the condom, right?
That's what that means?
Oh, yeah, exactly.
Yeah, no.
I mean, I wasn't like...
I think...
He's stressed out about this now.
I'm trying to remember.
I feel like I for sure have taken it.
I just can't recall.
You might have a kid out there.
You're just realizing.
Someone else getting cut into this Patreon all of a sudden.
P-bone, cut this.
Yeah, no.
I'm sure I've taken it at some point to dispose because, like, I didn't know
what to do with it.
I didn't want to flush it down the toilet.
I don't want to, you know, I don't know.
Maybe there wasn't a trash can or something.
It just feels like very stealth.
You go in and out without a trace, man.
Yeah, it's really weird.
Like, Biggie Smalls, you know?
Yeah, you got to go to, like...
He can't trace the semen.
Thrown in a dumpster behind an Arby's or something.
But just any remote chance.
Remote chance.
Something happens to you.
What was in his pockets?
Did he go through your pie?
Yeah, used condoms.
I mean, that's...
That's from two weeks ago, sir.
That's a tough look, yeah.
That's conspiracy theory.
If he had four used condoms on.
It was a long night.
Yeah, that's...
Kept one in his head.
How do we start talking about this?
I saw you guys...
I saw the tweet about it or whatever.
Oh, the flushing of the condoms, yeah.
Yeah.
You had to do a public apology, but...
I feel like it was the garbage move, so that's what I was...
It is trashy, for sure.
You shouldn't be doing it.
I will say this, though.
I know thi