Name: AYG Comedy Podcast: Kelsey Cook - Washington Girl
Uploaded: 2022-01-31T00:31:38.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'AYG Comedy Podcast: Kelsey Cook - Washington Girl' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-01-31. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'AYG Comedy Podcast: Kelsey Cook - Washington Girl' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-01-31. Transcript available.

AYG Comedy Podcast: Kelsey Cook - Washington Girl

Gang, the Middle Class Famous Tour is about to be in full effect.
Come out and see us.
It's a great way to introduce some new people to the show.
So grab the homies, grab the ladies, the birds, the bozos, everybody, and come
see us.
Yeah, guys, we're going to be in Hartford, Albany, Syracuse, Atlanta, Tampa,
Orlando, Pittsburgh, Buffalo.
We ain't done yet.
Detroit, Denver, Phoenix, Salt Lake City, Chicago.
Then over there to Roseman.
And that's just the first leg of the tour.
Going to be coming, so get the techies.
We'll see you there.
Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage?
The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals
or absolute trash.
Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast.
This is Are You Garbage?
Sure is.
It's a little show we sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find out if
they grow it to be classy or just a big old piece of trash.
I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day.
We're down here at Aunt Tooney's basement.
She's upstairs at the kitchen table getting a head start on the taxes.
Okay.
We're all dependents, by the way.
All right.
And if anybody comes by, this is actually a pizza place.
My co-host is coming at you from right next to me.
He is the CEO of Are You Garbage?
He is an international businessman.
Took a real bath on Bitcoin this weekend.
Bon Appetit's doing a hit piece on him next week.
It's all falling apart.
Give it up for KJ, Kevin James Ryan.
Hey, gang.
Thanks for tuning in.
As always, please make sure you rate, review, subscribe over there on iTunes.
Full video in 4K, I might add.
Available on YouTube.
And as you know, those numbers are...
True to roof.
Cooking, baby.
And then obviously, I'm contractually obligated by the Yam family and all of
its subsidiaries
to mention the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com.
You can sign up.
You get episodes of AYG, bonus episodes of Hard Feelings, live streams.
We just hit our last goal of 2,800 patrons.
Going to Disney, baby.
I got to take the big man to Disney.
I'm Sam Yam's dime.
You're going to get stuck in Epcot.
And how about a nice quick shout out to our producer extraordinaire.
The magic man makes us all look good.
One of the big brains behind the RU Garbage special.
You know him.
You love him.
Give it up for T-Bone McMuffin, Toby McMullen, everybody.
What up, dudes?
What up, T-Bone?
I'm excited for a Mickey hat and a big soft pretzel.
Oh, it's going to be a good one.
Big turkey legs all around.
But gang, we could not be more excited to have our incredibly special guest
here with us today
for the first time.
She is an extremely funny, extremely successful stand-up comedian, actor, podcaster,
and foosball
player.
You have seen her on Uproarious, This Is Not Happening, Gotham Comedy Live, The
Tonight Show.
Oh, boy.
A Little Late with Lilly Singh, Unprotected Sets.
She is the creator and the host of the amazing web series Wrists of Fury.
She has an album out right now called Savior that you can find on iTunes,
Spotify, Pandora.
And she is also the co-host of the fantastic podcast Self-Helpless.
And she is on tour right now.
But the big question in everybody's mind today, is she garbage?
She has a LinkedIn account, which I think is pretty fucking fancy.
She's also out there on the coast, which is pretty nice, too.
Give it up for Kelsey Cook, everybody.
Hey.
Thanks for coming.
Look at that.
Thanks for having me.
A LinkedIn.
I was stunned to see that.
That has not been checked.
It says stand-up comedy.
It says stand-up comedy.
Really?
God, I think I made that when I was in college.
Like, that has not been checked.
That's a good thing you do when you're like, I'm going to get to that and, like,
the Facebook page.
You're like, I'm going to get this off the ground.
Yes.
I don't really get the bookings rolling in.
That's if you're really procrastinating on something and you're, like, just
running out of apps to check notifications on,
you will go look at your LinkedIn and be like, what's going on here?
Oh, that's the worst.
When you make the rounds and there's nothing happening.
You find yourself scrolling through Venmo.
That's a tough look.
You're like, Steve paid 80 bucks for what?
There's no foot traffic to that.
I don't know what's going on.
Must be the weather.
I do that shit all the time.
But that's the thing.
I'm trying to train myself, especially now that we have more interactions on
social media.
I'm trying to train myself to go to Instagram, check to see if there's any
messages, respond, post something,
do the same thing on Twitter, and then move away from it.
And then get the fuck out.
Get the fuck out.
Stick and move.
The other day, I watched a video, like, a hundred times of a woman in Russia
diving into a river
and then disappearing.
It's no good for the brain.
Busy day, I see.
Pa just took a dark turn.
Yeah.
Were you jerking off to it?
Why are you watching a woman die a hundred times?
What do you want?
Because something like that scares me.
There was ice.
And she jumped in and it just disappeared.
And they tried to save her, but they couldn't.
Those Russians, they're survivors, those guys.
They know what they're doing.
I got to get on LinkedIn.
I got to clean myself up.
Kelsey, what is the backstory here?
We know about the foosball situation, but start from the beginning.
I'm not even sure I know where you're from.
So I'm from Spokane, Washington.
Okay.
Which feels appropriate for this show because we were the meth capital of
America for a long time.
Now we're talking.
Long time.
I'm in.
I'm here.
So yeah, I think it's beautiful.
There are some nicer areas now, but I mean, there are still some rough parts.
Now, was the meth phase going on when you were a kid?
I think so.
Yeah.
Okay.
But did you visibly see it?
I don't particularly remember, but I remember I grew up in the mall.
You know, my dad would take me to the playground in the mall, which is I think
I'd-
Okay.
Playground in the mall?
Yeah.
Like just made of weird kind of plasticky styrofoam.
That's not good.
Absolutely.
Like across from like, you know, the JCPenney's or whatever?
Yes.
It was in the middle of the mall?
Just in the middle of the mall.
Why would he take you there?
I think it was just, so my dad is a musician.
Big food court guy.
Big Samaro man.
Loves a nice Annie Ann's pretzel.
Yeah.
My dad is a trumpet player in the symphony.
Okay.
And then my mom was teaching at night, so he would have me during the day, and
I think
it was just kind of like, what can I do to entertain this child?
It's free probably too, right?
It's free.
Yeah.
Playground at the mall.
Don't have to worry about the weather.
I've never even heard of that.
I've seen the carousel.
Well, yeah.
Spokane's special in that way.
It's extra trash.
Was there other kids there, or was it just you?
No, other kids there.
Yeah.
Jeez.
Bunch of people hanging their laundry.
Yeah.
I don't think I've ever seen that or heard about it.
Really?
The hang in the mall is tough.
When you're sitting out there in one of those little benches looking around,
you're like,
what am I doing in here?
Oh, yeah.
You got to keep it moving.
That thing was absolute hazmat.
You know, just kids going down with like shitty diapers, and then kids going
down.
Yeah, that was the 90s too.
It was wide.
Oh, ball baths.
There was no PRL going around.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We all have good immune systems, I think, from fucking ball baths and all that
shit.
Yeah.
What's the brother and sister situation?
So I have a brother who is six years younger than me.
Okay.
And then I have a stepsister and a half-brother.
Ooh.
And they're all younger than me.
That just got...
A half-brother.
That got pretty complicated pretty quick.
You're batting the cycle.
You got blood brothers, half-brothers, and step-brothers.
I guess you left that off the LinkedIn profile.
Broken home.
Broken home.
You don't want any potential employers to see of that.
It says here, you have a half, brother.
Break that down for me.
So my parents divorced when I was six.
Remarried.
They had a kid together.
My dad and step-mom did.
Okay.
And then my step-mom already had a kid going into it.
Wow.
Yeah.
Huh.
I have a Brady Bunch.
Sorry, what?
I didn't think your parents were divorced.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
You didn't read that in the Times?
What are you talking about?
I don't know.
I got a vibe that they were solid together.
Because I know they played together and all that stuff.
Right.
Yeah, foosball, you can't build a solid foundation on table soccer.
Like a journey song.
Yeah.
Can't start a family in the room, you know what I mean?
Those cold-hearted little men out there on the field.
Who did you live with?
So you're six years old.
Yeah.
So you're six years old.
It's just you, your mom, and your dad.
Right.
And my brother was six months old when they got divorced.
Your brother had just been born.
All right.
So then they get divorced.
Yeah.
So full brother, younger brother.
You look like you wanted to say something.
No, it's just, I get it.
I'm from a very similar situation.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
Yeah.
The hair brother is what gets you.
Second kid is what absolutely puts it down the toilet.
Yeah.
That's tough.
Well, I think having, okay, so you have you and your brother.
Your parents get divorced.
That's all right.
They both get remarried.
Then they both start families.
That's okay.
Sure.
But the stepmom having a kid from a previous marriage, he's rolling in the backseat.
Yeah.
That's the kid that lives in the garage.
He's the one that has it the toughest.
It's like you're making a car out of junk parts.
That's what you're doing.
How old was he when they got together?
Do you remember?
So it's actually, it's my sister, my stepsister.
Sister, okay.
So she was a year younger than me.
All right.
And then my half brother is like eight years younger than me.
Okay.
Were you close?
Did you guys like blend well?
I wouldn't say we didn't blend well, but I'm not particularly close with them.
Not necessarily with any of my siblings.
I've gotten closer with my brother.
But when you have a six-year age gap, it's tough.
But we've gotten closer as we've gotten older.
Okay.
Yeah.
And who did you live with?
Where did you go?
Primarily with my mom, but I would see my dad as well.
It was kind of like a 30 minutes apart situation.
Okay.
And you just get shuttled back and forth.
Right.
How often was the, was it like weekly, monthly, every other weekend?
Like every couple days.
And who got married first?
That's pretty good.
How quick was that process?
Like when they got, they got divorced, they come in and tell you.
Yeah.
And how did they do that?
Did they come in and say, I gotta, we gotta tell you something.
Good news, bad news.
There was an affair situation.
My mom did not remarry.
My dad married my stepmom.
Okay.
So that was that.
That was quicker.
That was the very core.
That was the LinkedIn response right there.
Let me tell you something.
And that was that.
Let me tell you.
Very good question, Mr. Foley.
Let me tell you why.
Takes a long swig of water.
She has to pitch her for some reason.
All right.
We're in it now.
Let me tell you why I say it like that now.
Because I have gone on other podcasts and been very open about all of it.
And then it comes back.
And because I think, I don't know.
I look at my parents like, they're not listening to podcasts.
Sure.
But like their coworkers do.
Their friends do.
And then they come into the, you know, water cooler.
And they're like, your stepdaughter is.
She's out there rubbing her mouth, rubbing her mouth.
So now.
Hey, Tommy, I heard you met her at happy hour.
Yeah.
So I.
Sure.
Of course.
Yes.
Protect the innocent.
Protect the innocent.
So your father reestablished himself a little bit quicker.
Yes.
He had a little bit of it.
Holy shit.
That was.
Man, that went through the holy spin zone.
That's pretty fucking.
Yeah, my lord.
He had a little bit of a head start, as we'll say.