Name: Tim Dillon: Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast: - Long Island Trash
Uploaded: 2022-02-06T22:09:38.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tim Dillon: Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast: - Long Island Trash' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tim Dillon: Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast: - Long Island Trash' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-06. Transcript available.

Tim Dillon: Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast: - Long Island Trash

Gang, the Middle Class Famous Tour is about to be in full effect.
Come out and see us.
It's a great way to introduce some new people to the show.
So grab the homies, grab the ladies, the birds, the bozos, everybody, and come
see us.
Yeah, guys, we're going to be in Hartford, Albany, Syracuse, Atlanta, Tampa,
Orlando, Pittsburgh, Buffalo.
We ain't done yet.
Detroit, Denver, Phoenix, Salt Lake City, Chicago.
Then over there to Roseman.
And that's just the first leg of the tour.
Going to be coming, so get the techies.
We'll see you there.
Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage?
The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals
or absolute trash.
Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast.
This is Are You Garbage?
It's a little show we sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find out if
they grew up to be classy or if they're just a big old piece of trash.
I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day down here in Antony's
basement.
She is abuzz upstairs.
So excited about our guest.
I have not seen her this happy.
She's on the phone.
She's telling the girls.
She's cleaning.
I assume it's the guest.
It could be the half a bottle of cough medicine that went missing.
It could be that.
I'm not really sure.
My co-host is coming at you from right next to me.
He is the CEO of Are You Garbage?
He's the CEO, the CFO, and the COO.
And the last man to do that, I think, was Jack Wells from General Electric.
Yeah.
He's an international businessman.
Give it up for Kevin James Ryan.
Hey, gang.
Thanks for tuning in.
As always, please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes.
Full video available on YouTube.
And as you know, those numbers are.
True to roof.
Cookin.
And obviously, I'm contractually obligated by law to mention the greatest
website of all time,
www.patreon.com slash are you garbage?
Check it the fuck out, ladies and gentlemen.
Love that money.
And how about a nice quick shout out to our producer extraordinaire, the magic
man, makes
us all look good.
Give it up for T-Bone McScruffins, Toby McButtons, everybody.
Well, we're about to have a good ass time, boys.
We're about to have fun.
Gang, we are all elated.
We're freaking out.
This is why we play.
We are so excited to have our incredibly, and I mean incredibly special guest
here with
us today for the first time.
He is one of the funniest, one of the most successful stand-up comedians and
podcasters
working today.
The man literally needs no interruption.
He is the host of the Tim Dillon Show.
I feel like I'm on Shark Tank right now.
I'm freaking the fuck out.
Give it up for Tim Dillon, everybody.
Thank you.
Let's go.
Thank God this worked out because me and H. Foley just would have been going
out for
the same roles.
I know.
The same depressing, like, crooked cop, dock worker, bloated body in the river.
I just read for that.
What are you talking about?
It's just sad.
Like, thank God we can do this.
Because it was, when I was not doing this, it would just be five fat guys in a
room.
Yeah, in midtown somewhere.
All staring at each other, being like, there can only be one.
And you would just, they would literally, you'd go in, like, I auditioned for
the Sopranos
movie.
Literally, they'd just bring you in.
Who'd you read for for that?
Just some cop.
Okay.
Just some guy.
I read for the mayor of Newark.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, you just walk in after an hour of sitting there and they go, they say,
and then
you go, drop your weapon.
They go, do it again.
Drop your weapon.
They're like, all right.
I remember outside the stand one time.
We had just moved to New York and you walked out and you go, well, there I am.
I just pointed at Foley.
You go, that's me.
All right.
And then I left New York.
I said, and then I gave it to him.
I said, Foley will take it.
And then the pizza guy rolls came flowing in.
Yeah.
A fat guy has to relieve you from your job.
Just taps you out.
Just taps you out.
Then you go, and then you leave.
That's it for me.
See me punch in, you punch out, take off.
Buddy, we can't thank you enough for coming in.
Oh, thank you for having me.
Love the hoodie, polo.
Look at him.
This is a 3XL from DXL.
Yes, sir.
Who does not sponsor me, but should.
And what's great about when they make clothing for fat people is they go, why
do we make it
loud?
And let's give them fatigues because they're not in the military and can't be.
But if they feel everything is the military when you're at a certain weight,
everything is
an obstacle course.
Yeah.
So they have this.
I don't know if you noticed, but these are polo horses.
I did notice that.
That's pretty classy.
Oh, it's classy.
It's real DJ Khaled.
Got another one.
Yeah.
Buddy, what is the origin story of Tim Dillon?
Tell me the whole piece.
I mean, you know.
Long Island kid.
Long Island guy.
You know, mom's a schizophrenic.
Dad's a failed musician.
Cocaine at 13.
You know, smoke weed, love the Siggies, boozed it hard.
That is all checks out.
Sea average.
Uh-huh.
Public school up until Holy Trinity Catholic school, but really a public school
with uniforms,
one of the lower tier Catholic schools.
You know, our theater arts teachers would make out with kids in the hall.
Like that type of school.
Everybody's having fun.
Played it fast and loose over there.
What's funny about that is that's true.
Jesus Christ.
Yeah.
No brothers or sisters?
No brothers or sisters.
What about cousins?
Was there a big family around?
There's some.
One just died choking on a sandwich.
Other one's a heroin addict.
I mean, I swear to God.
That's not true.
I swear to God.
What kind of sandwich?
Do you know?
We don't know.
It was a godfather for sure.
Other one's a heroin addict.
Other one, you know, they're all, it's all bad.
I am a gay ex-cocad comedian.
I'm the most successful by far.
Like it's not even close.
You know, dad was going to be a musician.
That didn't work.
What did he actually do though?
He sang.
He wrote songs and sang.
How were you paying the rent and the mortgage and stuff like that?
He was a wine salesman.
Okay.
That's probably all right.
So he was, he did that.
You know, he did that.
And then my mother was a swim teacher.
She taught swimming.
She wasn't really rolling in the dough.
Two words.
Legacy money.
That's generational wealth.
Yeah.
I feel like those lessons took place in an above ground pool for sure.
No, she collected beanie babies in Hess trucks to even it out.
The keystone of trash.
Yeah.
Do you get a Hess truck every year?
Oh, yeah.
Sometimes it had a helicopter.
Yeah.
Those things are all right, man.
As long as the batteries are good.
When you come from the type of human filth I do, your idea is that you will be
saved by
some kind of collectible.
Yes.
State quarters are big.
Most people put their effort or energy into some type of functional business,
but my mother and many people like her felt that if you waited on a long enough
line, money was on the other end of it.
Sure.
Like if you just stuck it out in a line at Burger King to get the fucking
commemorative Disney Little Mermaid toy set and you got 10 of them and wrap
them in plastic and put them under the bed.
Jesus.
One day, your ship was going to come in.
That's your 401k right there.
Is that stuff still out there?
Is that still somewhere?
During Hurricane Sandy, a lot of it floated down the street.
Like you saw like Princess Diana bears and stuff just floating down the street.
Hurricane Sandy finally I think was the nail in the coffin.
Yeah.
Jesus Christ.
But every now and then my uncle will go on eBay and sell one or two Beanie Babies
so we could give my mother money at the mental institution.
Is it too dark?
I'm sorry.
We've just started.
Hey, you're getting the golden plan.
Should we even call this Are You Garbage?
Should we even put a question mark?
No.
Was McDonald's Monopoly a big deal?
McDonald's Monopoly was huge.
My friend's parents collected Marlboro Miles.
Hey.
As did my family.
Yeah, like they had coats.
They had a tent.
Yeah.
Sleeping bag.
Yeah.
They had an entire outdoors.
Yeah.
A canteen.
They had a Marlboro canteen.
My friend Shea Magulahan.
Italian kid?
So just to give you an idea, yeah.
Yikes.
What was the house?
Was it a single family home?
Single family home, two stories.
Not a bad house.
We had an in-ground pool.
That's good.
Because my mother taught swimming in it.
Okay.
Which was nice.
She did it at the house?
She did it at the house.
Damn.
That's the equivalent of cutting hair in the garage.
Yeah.
That's tough.
Every now and then she would also do it in the rec.
She'd do it at the rec center.
But she was like, you know, you get the private money.
Sure.
In the house.
The money's in the in-calls.
Yeah.
Doing side work.
Hey, listen.
We could do it at the rec center.
Or we can lower it a little bit.
I pocket most of the cash.
We just shocked the pool.
Come on over.
So that's where they were at.
Not big savers of money.
Where did they come from?
Were they-
How back is the Irish?
Forever.
So my grandfather came over to this country when he was four on a boat.
Okay.
He was really successful.
He ended up being like a millionaire, multimillionaire, general contractor,
worked his way up.
Dad's dad?
Mom's dad.
Yeah.
Dad's dad.
Okay.
And my father inherited absolutely none of the ambition, drive, intelligence,
grit, determination, or longing for his family to have a better life.
My dad got none of that.
He did like a couple of cocktails, but he didn't inherit anything else.
My father's family, a little bit of money, but again, it was the old generation
where you didn't get any of it.
Right.
So you didn't get any of it.
A lot of it went to the church.
My mother's father-
Damn.
Died of a heart attack because he was big into amphetamines.
Big into taking, he was a drunk, and he took pills.
Jesus.
And then my mother's-
Talking about ahead of his time.
My mother's mother was a saint.
My grandmother, who I loved, who helped raise me.
She raised two kids, no husband, because he had OD'd or whatever.
And then-
He leads with OD'd or whatever.
And then my dad's family had money.
My dad's family had money.
Ripped it from the eulogy.
I like it.
My dad's family lived in Mutton Town, which is a really nice part of Long
Island.
Like Jennifer Anthony, Jennifer Lopez and Mark Anthony lived.
Okay.
It's like Brookville, Mutton Town.
They lived in a really nice-
My girlfriend had a two-acre home, pool, tennis court, all that stuff.
That's the crazy thing about Long Island is how mixed in the money and the
trash is.
Yes.
Like insane, like Gatsby homes.
Yes.
Like fucking, some of the oldest money in the country.
And then we have Levittown, where people are falling down on fentanyl.
Oh, that's bad.
Right there in a diner.
Yeah.
So it's a real chasm.
Mm-hmm.
Damn.
Yeah.
That is fucking-
So that's the origin.
Jesus Christ.
And you went to college.
No.
Nassau Community College, and then I dropped out.
Okay.
I went to Nassau Community College.
I was on the debate team.
I enjoyed that.
You're probably dunking on people.
Dunking on people.
Yeah.
Real good.
Real good at that.
Then I got into selling mortgages.
Right.
Because my debate partner had a Range Rover.
And I said, fuck.
Yeah.
How do you do this?
He goes, you sell mortgages.
I'm like, great.
So I started that, and then cocaine came back into the picture.
Heather.
In a nice way.
Stopped by for the weekend.
Yeah.
And then some pills, a little perka-doodle-doo, perka-doodle-doo.
That was probably in their heyday when pills started really cooking.
They were like maximum.
No one knew anything at that point.
My morning routine was a bacon, egg, and cheese, two eggs over medium, salt,
pepper,
ketchup, bacon, obviously cheese, American cheese, on a roll.
Kaiser roll.
Kaiser roll, untoasted, got to be soft, unless I will complain.
A double tall, non-fat lottex, and being responsible.
Sure.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And two perka-doodle-dinks, perka-doodle-d