Name: Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast: Scratching Lotto Tickets w/ Kippy & Foley
Uploaded: 2022-02-24T00:25:07.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast: Scratching Lotto Tickets w/ Kippy & Foley' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast: Scratching Lotto Tickets w/ Kippy & Foley' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-24. Transcript available.

Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast: Scratching Lotto Tickets w/ Kippy & Foley

Stop the presses gang got a special announcement the middle-class famous tour
is in full effect
Get your tickies me the bald one the long hair
We're coming to a city near you bring the squad out
It's a great way to introduce people to the show you get to see some stand-up
You get to play a little AYG with me and the Kipperino. It's a good time hit me
up
Guys are gonna be in Atlanta, Tampa, Orlando, Pittsburgh, Buffalo, Detroit,
Denver, Phoenix, Salt Lake City, Chicago
Guys it's a great time can't wait to see you out there get your tickies now
Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage?
The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals
or absolute trash
Now here are your hosts Kevin Ryan and H Foley
Hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast
This is Are You Garbage?
Yeah
It's a little show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find out
they're going to be classy
Or if they're just a big old piece of trash
Yep
I'm your host H Foley coming at you on a beautiful day down here in Antony's
basement
She's upstairs, slice of Elios, rolling rock pony, and a Percocet
Okay
My co-host is coming at you from right next to me
He is the CEO of Are You Garbage?
He is an international businessman
What?
He is not to be trifled with but he's my best pal in the whole world and I love
him
Give it up for Kevin James Ryan
Hey, love you too, pal
I'm like
Cut that
Salivate
Why?
I'm like, I don't know
Did someone ring a bell or something?
He got rabies
What happened?
Hey gang, thanks for tuning in
As always, make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes
Please
All video available on YouTube
And as you do know, those numbers are
True to roof
Now more than ever, they're true to roof
Shout out to that Timmy D bump
Holy shit
That kid's got a fucking motor on him
That guy owns the internet
I don't know
Holy heck
It's insane
Oh man, that kid can do some numbies
Kid's selling pickies
And then obviously, I would be an asshole, a jerk off, a fucking bozo
If I didn't mention the greatest website of all time
Shout out to Al Gore for inventing the internet
Shout out to Sam Yam
Jack Conti
For patreon.com slash R U Garbage, baby
Check it out
Get bonus episodes of AYG
A whole nother podcast
It's good times
Which, by the way, is everybody's favorite podcast
Hard feelings on that $10 level
And then obviously, we do live streams with our top tier patrons
The whole nine yards
Check it out
You were talking to Patreon
Patreon called me the other day
How crazy is that?
Sammy
You choose, okay?
Patreon called the kid
How about a nice quick shout out to our producer
Extraordinaire, the magic man makes us all look good
T-Bone McMuffin
It's Toby McMullen
What's up, dudes?
What up, T-Bone
Good friend of mine
Hell yeah
Good friend of yours who's got nothing, but the vibes are good
Vibes are good
There has been discussions of a Toby Cam
By Toby
Actually, it's weird enough
Brought it up
When does it end?
Then we got a Tootie Cam
She's already got one on OnlyFans, but still
One for the public
Yeah, we might do a Toby Cam
Toby Cam all day
Yeah
Toby Cam all day
Yeah
You gotta lose that Bears flag, though
Yeah, we'll have to do some
We'll have to do some
I can't be
I mean, I'll let you have the Bears flag off screen
But this is a bird's household through and through
Okay?
Tootie doesn't know that's up
But if we start broadcasting a motherfucking Chicago Bears
Tootie's gonna have some issues with that
The Social Security checks just start drying up in the mailbox
They don't play down here in South Philly, Toby
Is that where we are?
I think so
Okay, just checking
I don't know
Sometimes
I was blindfolded and brought here
I don't know what's going on
We come in every day like the Batcave
I entered through the waterfall down by the stadium
Speaking of crazy
We're your hosts
I picked up a little bit of another little tidbit
Tidbit
Okay
What did I say?
I don't know
I picked up another little tidbit from Patty
From your mother
From my mother
Uh-huh
Something I didn't know
I'd known abroad 45 years
I never trusted her
I know she's a little squirrely
She's a good kid, though
Makes a hell of a cutty
Make a hell of a cutlet
Um
She's listening to this, too
So she's listening
Walk carefully
Are those world famous bluebells
Shallow fried cutties?
Shallow fried cutties
Shallow fried
Yeah
Shallow fried finished in the oven
Finished in the fryer
Double finished in the fryer
Um
What?
I guess they got a hot ticket going down there
With the lottery in PA
I guess the numbers are up
Okay
When the numbers are up
Everybody gets
Every
There's a lot more
Pulls every dirt bag
Off a pull-out couch
Everybody is involved
Yeah
Talking about it
Mm-hmm
Talking to the guy
At the fucking
Power juice
But you know
It's only 50 million
After taxes
That's the biggest dirtball line
Anytime it's cooking
So there must be a hot one
Because
Um
Saw her Saturday
And she's like
Henry
Where do you think
Can I borrow 10 grand?
It's for my numbers
She said
What do you think
The luckiest part of the refrigerator is?
What?
Yeah
To put the magnets on?
To put the tickets
Oh my god
In a magnet
Now
You can't teach
That kind of dirt bag level
Hold on
There is some religion
Involved in it
Because there's different saints
Oh I was thinking
It was going to be lab coats
And whiteboards
Oh
I didn't know
There was different saints
In your refrigerator
Why didn't you say something
Henry?
I'm sitting over here
Like an asshole
Didn't know fucking
St. Thomas was in there
There's different mask cards
With saints on them
Around
Around the
Around the refrigerator
And things are placed
Who's the patron saint
Of scumbags?
Is it Patty?
Tom Barrage
Is one of them
So I don't know
What's really going on
And I
I've just discovered this
That she
Puts things around
With the different saints
To where the good juju is
Oh my god
Like if it's something
With the kids
She puts it over towards this
I guess on a hot streak
You know
She puts it over with
Yeah whoever's got
The hot hand in the dice game
Talking about that
Clackity clack
Let's go
Picture a Wayne Newton
No whammy
No whammy
No whammy
So I discovered that
And I got a scratcher
From her
Which I hit five
Probably not going to see
A dime of that money
Wait
So what do you do
When you hit five
You give it back to her
Yeah give it back to her
Let her handle it
Well we do
Because it's PA
Yeah sure
If it was up here
I'd take it with me
This is a gentleman's move
Performed by my stepdad
Many a year
And he still does it
He's big on his scratchers
He's a little trashy
Real big on the scratchers
I'm talking like
A couple hundo
Christmas morning
What is that film made of
Because it's been
It's fascinating me
Since I was a child
It's like
Is it wax
No it's like
Aluminum foil type stuff
It's like
A metal type
There's some sort of
Something in there
She tried to give me
A penny too
What
I'm a quarter man
Well that's bad luck
You need
You can't be doing
Scratchers with a penny
If you used a quarter
That would have been
A five jihads
No I think a quarter
Is what you do
Quarter's the move
Yeah of course
So you can't be
Doing a penny
Dude the top result
On what is the
Scratch off film
Made of on Google
Is one word
Technology
Period
There you go
Out of space
Technology
I don't know
How they do it
I can't explain
This technology
I don't know
How they write
The shamrocks
And the cherries
Underneath that shit
That's what
I don't know
How come
How come
The cherries
Aren't coming off
With the top layer
What's the icing
Made of
Don't tell me that
I've never seen
A four leaf clover
My stepdad
He operates
As like a liaison
Or the bank
Really
He buys
He buys
The ticket
Off of you
Yeah so
If you hit for five
Or ten
Or fifteen
Does he cash checks too
What's the need
He pulls
Get a payday loan
From this guy
Everybody
Adds up
What you got
I got to
I got
What
Sorry let me ask you this
He gives these out
He gives them all out
To everybody
And then
So like
If it's Christmas
Sure
I'm his nephew
Or whatever
Great grand
I come over
I hang out
Here you go buddy
Here's a couple
Of scratchers
For you
I hit
He takes
He gives me the money
And then he goes
And deals
Yeah
That's the fucking
Classiest
Fucking thing
That's a one stop shop
Right there
Holy shit
Yeah so say you went
For a five
He goes I got you
Give me the call
Give me the winner
He checks too
He checks
He makes sure it's a winner
He's got the scanner
He's not
I burn him a couple of times
If we're being honest
There's a couple
December 26th
Where I got a phone call
Tell me it was a hundred grand
You won a dollar
He pays you
Give me the winner
Put the winners over here
And then oh you got a five
That's like a casino
I know
He comps you a room too
Why don't you have a little breakfast
On us tomorrow morning
Hey sugar tits
Make the eggs
Like the kid likes them
Dude that's fucking insane
Yeah
It's cool
He does it right
He does it right
Of course I give it back to my mom
I'm not fucking going to whatever
Yeah but she should just give you
The five beans
Well I mean
We're not operating
That's a half a pack of Bernie's
He's the Borgata
She's the Tropicana
All right
She's played by different rules
On the other side of Atlantic City
All right
We're not down there on the water
She's a big shot
All right
We're back bay people
You guys are inland
You guys are up by Vineland
Dude no shit
Yeah
She doesn't
And she doesn't have
The kind of capital
To be doing that
She doesn't have the five claims on it
But I'm just saying
Most of the times
You get those things
And it's
Yeah you know
You turn it in
Because when you get
Even like a gift card
Or something like that
There's a job involved
You gotta go do something
Yeah yeah yeah
But to have the fucking foresight
And the class
I know
That's
That's honestly
One of the classiest things
Like what a fucking gentleman
Because it's the holidays
It's like
You're not really getting
The reward of the thing
Sure
But you're getting the fun
Of scratching the thing
And then you get a couple
And then you get a couple
Fucking paid right there
A couple of fajos
Does he
Does he take anything
Like if you win five bucks
Does he give you 475
No
There's no shipping and handling
Nothing
He doesn't even wet his beak on it
Damn
Yeah
Damn
I think
Oh what
The scam he might be running
The foleys
We'd be looking
I'll give you three
You know
I'll buy it for you
For three right now
How you gonna get there
Yeah
Exactly
What he might do
This
This might be
Because he
You know
Is this calculated
He might keep
The free tickets
If you win a free ticket
You win a free ticket
He's not paying you
That's not a cash
That's not a cash prize
What do you do then
You're going
I'm not gonna drive
To fucking Wawa
For a
One two dollar ticket
He goes
I'll take the freebies
So he might get
All the freebies back
And then go parlay
And see if he can
Get some action
See if he can sit
At a big table
You know what I mean
See how Harden's
Playing today
He's also looking
For an excuse
To go have a fucking
Bernie outside
Of my mom's
You know
Outside of my mom's
Radar
I gotta go
Cash in the ticket
He's down there
Fucking
He's got Winston's
Cooking
Those dudes
Tends
Those guys
Tends
Tend to hang
Too
At the
At the ticket
Wherever they get
The tickets
Well he doesn't play
It's much
It is just a very
Christmas
Type thing
Oh he's gonna
Scratcher guy all year
No
Not full time huh
No
He wouldn't
Piss money away
Like that
He's too cheap
Yeah
He's a one time
One time a year
And he plays
The bank too
You know
Nice
He's a good guy
I like that
That's
That's pretty
Fucking nice right there
When I do a scratcher
I'll do them on the road
Just cause you're like
Ah it's something to do
And it's like
Rarely I'll do them
But you do them
Before you leave
The gas station
Oh
Whatever
I'm not taking
Connecticut scratchers
To the hotel
Then to take
I'm doing it
There
See if you can put
A couple pieces together
You know what I mean
That's why when you're
Grabbing a Snicky's
There's always some guy
Next to the l