Name: Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast: Soda is Medicine
Uploaded: 2022-03-24T01:17:22.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast: Soda is Medicine' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-03-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast: Soda is Medicine' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-03-24. Transcript available.

Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast: Soda is Medicine

California? California? California? The middle class famous tour is coming to
the left coast?
Yeah guys, April 3rd we're going to be in San Francisco, April 4th we're going
to be in Los Angeles,
April 6th we're going to be in La Jolla, get your tickets now, it's a little
bit of stand-up,
it's a little bit of AYG, it's a whole lot of fun, do it.
Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage?
The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals
or absolute trash.
Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
Hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast,
this is Are You Garbage?
Sure is.
It's a little show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find out if
they grew up to be classy or if they're just a big old piece of trash.
I'm your host H. Foley, coming at you a little bit under the weather.
Coming at you from the ICU this week, god damn big man.
Down here at Aunt Tootie's basement, Uncle Hank got a bad clams casino the
other night I think.
I got something working through me.
It's coming out like a bad cat.
Doing number one out of the two, been there.
Smells like grim death down there.
I'm your host H. Foley, we're down here at Aunt Tootie's basement, she's
upstairs, thinks she ran to the grocery store.
My co-host is coming at you from across the table at me.
He is the CEO of Are You Garbage?
He was voted Mr. Steal Your Girl summer of 2002.
Give it up for Kevin James Ryan.
I think I might have been doing all right in 2006 was probably my year, but
happy to be here.
Thanks for tuning in.
We've seen photographic evidence of the gun trailer.
Might have been seven.
You would never slim down.
I'm telling you.
Why?
I'm telling you.
There was one summer when I was fucking binge drinking and living off $3
chicken cheesesteaks from 17th and Diamond.
And I, Papi, I was tight as a drum.
It wasn't healthy.
I probably had a couple of days left.
His breath was horrible, but still.
Woo-wee.
Gang, thanks for tuning in.
As always, just make sure you rate, review, subscribe on iTunes.
Full video available on YouTube.
And as you know, those numbers are...
Tritter roof.
Fucking cooking, baby.
We're closing it on like $45,000, something around there.
And $40,000.
$42,800.
That's great.
I'm pumping the number.
Pumping Dubski.
These bozos don't know.
You guys subscribe and then find 10 more subscribers.
And now they're subscribing to you.
Yes, exactly.
Pyramid YouTube.
Then obviously, Patreon.com, the greatest website of all time.
Honestly, it is.
I say that as a joke.
But in my life, your life, my wife's life, your girlfriend's life.
No other website has impacted us this much.
None.
AOL maybe when I was doing age, sex, location chats.
Or that xnxx.com.
Ooh.
Not too shabby.
That revolutionized the game in about 2011.
Ay, ay, ay.
Talk about rubber meeting the road.
And then guys, live shows.
California tickets are moving.
For sure, Los Angeles is sold out by the time this is there.
Tickets are already moving in fucking SF.
Tickets are really moving in La Jolla.
Get them now.
Then obviously, Pittsburgh, Buffalo, Detroit.
Maybe adding something on the tail end of that.
Just saying.
Really?
Uh, Phoenix, uh, Salt Lake City.
Get the fucking ticky, ticky, tickies.
Look at that.
L.A.
Selling out, baby.
Mm-hmm.
La La Land.
It's a seven-seater, but we're doing all right.
It's just a suburban, but still.
It's a black box in Encino.
Dang, having a nice quick shout-out to our producer extraordinaire, the magic
man, makes
us all look good.
One of my best pals.
Very forgiving young man.
Tune in to the Patreon.
Give it up for Toby, Mr. Toby McMullen, sir.
Oh, Mr. Toby McMullen's my dad.
Please, call me dickhead.
Call me huge loser.
What's with the right guard mini on the thing?
I forgot to put deodorant on before I left the apartment.
I keep a stash in the studio so I don't get, so I don't pit it up in here.
Damn.
It's very teenager of you.
Yeah, I got quite a funk.
Little axe body.
Really?
Yeah, do you?
You kick hard?
Oh, yeah.
Even fresh out of the shower.
Like after, if you forget to put on deodorant, what's the shelf life on a McMullen?
Five, six seconds.
Really?
Oh, I go bad like an old peach.
Like a Mackinac peach.
Avocado McMullen over here, right?
Only ripe for three days a year.
What's with those, those avocados?
I can't get a read on them.
Those things.
Dude, I got one that's fucking-
They're like shapeshifters.
Oh, man.
I got one that fucking died on the vine in the back of my fridge.
I saw it two days ago.
Left that for the missus.
And it was mine.
But she gets them and use them.
I get them, and I'm like, I have one at half of breakfast or something.
I'm like, I'll have this later tonight.
You got to use the whole thing.
You'll use a whole avocado.
What are you doing?
No, you do a half of an eye.
A half?
Yeah.
You're crazy.
This is the difference between 225 and 400 pounds.
Avocado's good fat.
Yeah, lay off it, though.
You know what will really shrink up beyond gross as fuck?
It's a banana.
It just turns into a mummy.
Oh, I don't-
I'm not a banana guy.
I got to say, my wife doesn't believe me.
They're real Decepticons, those bananas.
Because sometimes the outside can look really, really nice, and you open that
thing up, and
it's goddamn gross.
This is gross.
This will blow your hair back a little bit.
This has been verified by my wife.
Didn't believe me.
Verified by my mother.
Okay.
I've never had a banana.
Shut up.
Yeah.
I swear to God.
There's no way that's true.
I'm telling you.
What about when you were a little fat kid?
You're a little nanners.
I had my fucking Slim Fast.
No.
She goes, maybe-
No, I mean when you were a baby.
She's like, maybe-
You weren't eating chicken parm as a little baby.
No, but she's like, maybe mashed at a time, but I've never bitten into a banana.
Really?
Uh-uh.
Man.
Yeah, it's strange.
I'm an odd guy when it comes to the foods.
There's a lot that I don't mess with.
I just started eating red meat out of college.
Never saw The Matrix.
Never saw The Matrix.
Weird.
If there's any podcast hiring, looking for production staff, I am now available.
Yeah, me too.
I'm willing to learn.
I'm willing to start from the bottom, sir.
You're in the mailroom if you know what, dude.
Morning, Mr. Kelly.
Trying to go over Mushy Mike's head.
The mailroom of YKW.
That's a good one, T-Bone.
Hey, good job, boss.
Love you, buddy.
Woo!
Man, I am hurting for a squirting over here.
That means you want to be fucked, right?
Oh, yeah.
Wow.
I hear she was hurting for a squirting.
I heard my-
I stick to my statement, but still, not now.
I'm all messy back there.
Yeah, I couldn't imagine.
I couldn't imagine on a good day, it's good.
It's not bad.
No, no, no.
I have some special brushes that I have in the shower.
Mane and tail.
Help yourself to the mane and tail.
Long reachers, they get in there.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
I do it.
I just got a new exfoliating brush that looks like a horse brush that you rub
it on dry.
Dry rub brush.
My wife uses it.
Right before you get in the shower.
Yes.
Sephora.
Yeah.
Not a bad spot.
I know.
I never liked that kind of stuff.
On the testicles, yeah.
That's what you're paying for.
Pain or pleasure, baby.
You choose.
Could you do that?
What?
Like the dominatrix type stuff?
Could you be a dominatrix?
Do you like anything like that?
Could I be dominated?
Yeah.
Do you like anything?
Safe word, banana?
I don't think so, man.
I'm a pretty meat and potatoes kind of guy.
Candle wax?
I don't think I've ever done it.
Nipple play?
Yours.
Yeah.
Like I've said, I'm kind of, you know.
Your nipples probably look like a pillbox in World War II.
No, they're all right.
Fucking barbed wire.
No.
The Stevie Wonders.
Two guys from the SS on the 88.
Titties wit.
I'm not weird.
I'm, you know, man.
Fucking turkey and cheese kind of guy, you know.
But I'm not very sensitive kind of anywhere.
What about you, Timo?
Could you gimp it up?
No, that's not my scene.
Ball gag?
On me?
Yeah.
No.
Leather?
No.
I could see you drinking milk at an orgy, though.
Why would I?
I don't know.
It's just way too comfortable.
Just hanging out in dirty sweatpants.
Not even thinking about getting naked.
Just hanging.
Yeah.
I'm a watcher.
I don't even think you're watching.
You're just, you know, bullshit.
I like to be funny.
You think I'm watching the game?
Yeah.
I don't know.
You know, talking shop.
Hey, took a pint of fluid out of my back.
What's a lease on his place?
You had to put two months first, last security?
What are you doing?
I was pretty well known for doing stupid shit like that when I was under
certain.
You're still pretty well known for doing stupid shit, I might add.
Well, back in the day when I was under certain influences.
Yeah.
All right.
What are you in?
The sunny day cult?
What are you doing?
Did Rasputin have your ear?
I couldn't think of the cult.
I got real big into Hale Bop.
You're not welcome here, Gandalf.
That's all you Lord of the Rings fans out there.
Nose beers, we'll say.
I know.
We have some underage audience.
I don't want to condone any.
Anyway, I'd be in after hours places with certain people from certain walks of
life.
Walks of life in certain neighborhoods where you don't really ask a lot of
questions.
Sure.
And I'd be in there, yeah, like, how many taps you guys have?
Who owns this place?
Yeah, really ruining the vibe.
Yeah, really ruining the vibe.
It's kind of my specialty.
You do ask too many questions, especially for that kind of...
I've never been to one of those settings, but I assume those settings aren't,
you know...
Now.
A lot of like...
Now.
You know, how long you been working here?
That kind of thing.
I remember one time we had something where we had to wear a suit, and we ended
up at this
after hours place, and we walked in in suits, and dude, I swear to God, like
four...
A bunch of pallbearers.
Four or five...
Like four or five guys ran out.
They thought we were cops.
We just laid in, hey, what's going on here?
Oh, the flashlights and badges kind of...
I stink!
I know.
I had a little...
Sicky.
I had a little...
It's probably the most garbage thing I've done in quite a while.
You know, I have this new pup, right?
The dog.
The dog.
Hansi.
Shout out to Hans.
Head of security.
Hansi Ponzi.
Which he has not reported for duty yet.
He has not.
When is his training going to be over?
What do you mean his training?
When's boot camp over?
He's currently with some ex-Massad agents.
Really?
Really learning the ropes.
Man.
Yeah.
You know.
Fake noses and all that kind of stuff?
Yeah, everything, yeah.
Securing the hard drive type stuff.
He's more of an analyst.
But, it was the middle of the night, sleep...
He's a little bit of a wonky sleeper, so we put him in this pen.
We got a pen for him.
Mm-hmm.
And I woke up in the middle of the night.
Yeah.
And had to...
I had to tinkie.
Take a leak.
But I didn't want to wake him up.
How are you not waking up a puppy?
What do you mean?
There's no way you can tiptoe around there.
That's what I'm saying.
I didn't want to wake him up.
I understand.
So I may have relieved myself.
What?
In a flower pot.
In the bathroom.
In the shower.
I didn't make it to the shower.
Because you didn't want to wake him up.
Because I didn't want to wake him up.
I was drinking.
I've been watching a lot of Columbo.
I got this.
I can solve it off top.
What do you got?
One more thing.
One more thing.
You were pissed into a Gatorade bottle on your couch.
You were very close.
It wasn't Gatorade.
It was...
Coke Zero.
Drop 50.
Wow.
Wide mouth.
Got it.
A lot of room there.
Yeah.
Because trying to pee into like a regular bottle like this.
You don't stand a chance.
And then there's that gauge.
You got to be Wahlberg for that.
Then there's that gauge of how quick it's filling up and you can tell by how
warm your
hands getting.
Yikes.
I've lost that in a driver's seat a couple of times.
Dropped a bottle?
No.
Well, I was peeing.
This was one time I was leaving the Raven Lounge.
I stopped at Wawa that used to be ov