Name: Are You Garbage: Bert Kreischer - Florida Man
Uploaded: 2022-03-27T18:37:15.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Are You Garbage: Bert Kreischer - Florida Man' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-03-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Are You Garbage: Bert Kreischer - Florida Man' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-03-27. Transcript available.

Are You Garbage: Bert Kreischer - Florida Man

Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage?
The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals
or absolute trash.
Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast.
This is Are You Garbage?
It's a little show we sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find out if
they grow up to be classy or if they're just a big old piece of trash.
I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a glorious day.
We're down here at Aunt Tootie's basement.
She is so excited about our guest today.
She's running around the neighborhood with her shirt off.
Oh, baby, getting in the spirit.
I like it.
I'm getting calls from the post office to get her the hell out of there.
My co-host is coming at you from right next to me, unamused this week.
He is the founder and CEO of Are You Garbage?
He makes the guys in the boardroom nervous, and the ladies in the bedroom go,
eh, all right, whatever.
Give it up for KJ, Kevin James Ryan.
Hey, gang.
Thanks for tuning in.
As always, please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes.
Full video available on YouTube, and as you know, those numbers are...
True to Roof.
Fucking cooking, baby.
Then I would be a jerk off, an asshole, a dickhead.
If I didn't mention the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com slash RU
Garbage.
Sweet Lord.
Check it out.
Bonus content, live streams, whole different podcasts we do on there.
Check it the fuck out.
Love that money.
And having a nice quick shout out to our producer extraordinaire, the pride of
the Chicago comedy
scene, and the new prodigal son of Astoria, Queens.
Give it up for T-Bone McMuffin.
Toby McMullen, everybody.
What's up, dudes?
T-Bone.
Sunny day in New York.
We've got the credence pumping in the car on the way in.
We're about to have a good time, baby.
Feeling good.
The long hair ain't lying, gang, because we got a little fucking star power in
the building.
Oh, yeah.
Not the usual bums and bozos you see dragging around the hallways here.
Our guest is a legendary stand-up comedian, podcaster, and multi-million dollar
enterprise.
He has numerous stand-up specials.
You can hear him every week on the BurtCast, Two Bears, One Cave.
He will be performing at the world-famous Greek Theater in Los Angeles,
California, May 5th.
Let's cut the bullshit.
He's one of the biggest, one of the baddest, one of the best there is.
He is a capo de capo.
We're talking about a true boss, but the big question in everybody's mind today,
is he garbage?
Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for the machine, Mr. Burt Kreischer.
It is a pleasure to be here, gentlemen.
Look at you.
This is it.
Thank you so much.
Holy shit.
Thanks for coming, buddy.
Did you get a hint of if I'm garbage by my reach out to get on the podcast?
That was the nicest thing anybody's ever done.
Burt texted me the other night, hey, it's Burt.
Can I do your podcast?
It's the first letter that we've received.
In crayon.
There was barbecue sauce on it, too.
Listen, I'm a fan.
I'm a fan of podcasts in general, so when you see good podcasts, I get excited,
and then
I'm like, hey, man, is it cool if I do your podcast?
I think I'm a better guest than I am host.
My podcast, I talk over everyone all fucking time.
I'm like, I'm not.
Someone will say, I'll go, so tell me what it was like being on Workaholics,
because when
I started watching, and then the guy's like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
It's good stuff.
All right, let's get into it.
We know about the machine, right?
Yeah.
College years well documented.
I want you to take me back to the origin story.
Give me the nuts and bolts.
I'm talking about a young kid in the hot Florida sun with a fucking Choco Taco
in his mouth
watching Knight Rider.
Take us back to that.
So.
Where in Florida?
Tampa.
Tampa.
Tampa.
Tampa's different than everywhere else.
Miami's more international.
Yeah.
Orlando's bland.
Yeah, it's weird.
Tampa's got some stank on it.
It's a good time.
We were just there.
We were just there.
Really?
I could move there in a heartbeat.
Tampa's got a big Cuban influence, but it's still the South.
So it is semi.
I mean, I'll say in my generation was still semi-segregated.
Like, it was not segregated as in people couldn't live in different places.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They just didn't.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And like, there was like Hillsborough's where all the black kids went to school.
Plants where all the white kids went to school.
Chamberlain's were.
Chamberlain was mixed.
But it was like, that was Tampa, and I went to a private.
The all-black school?
No.
No, no.
I went to the private school in downtown Tampa as a kid, but we lived in a
white trash neighborhood.
We lived in a real white trash.
Nice.
Like, legit white trash.
That's the thing about Florida.
White trash isn't, it's always right around the corner.
Oh, yeah.
It's like, there's always a pontoon boat somewhere, you can get going.
And I think that's why I have anxiety in life, is that white trash is
unpredictable.
Oh.
Very, very molesty.
There's always an uncle hanging around.
It's always an ice cube up someone's asshole.
Real handsy.
I remember watching them hold this kid down, shoving an ice cube up his asshole.
What?
And I was like, fuck, I think I'm next.
He's got his pants off already.
What was this Thanksgiving?
What are you talking about?
I was telling Jim Florentine a story, we were running a half marathon, and I
was telling
him a story, and halfway through, he's like, I think you were molested.
And I was like, no.
No, we were hanging out.
Yeah, he was like, you were definitely, like, the look on his face was like.
No, man, that's just Tampa.
Yeah.
That's just Florida, bro.
This is different.
It's a Tampa handshake.
But then we moved to what was like a nicer part of North Tampa.
Nice.
North Tampa's all kind of very redneck-y at the time, in the 70s and 80s.
Uh-huh.
And so we moved to a nicer part of North Tampa, which was not a gated community,
but it had
an entrance.
Sure.
It was called Faircloth Estates.
And that was a little more diverse neighborhood.
There was like one black kid, Chris Colvin.
That's pretty diverse.
Yeah.
And a Jewish kid.
Uh-huh, yeah, yeah.
But it was like, there was, and then a Canadian family.
What the hell are you talking about?
The Canadians just moved in down the street.
A Cuban family.
But, and then that's where I became like a, started, that's the formative years
of me becoming
a grown, like a boy.
I was still going to private school.
Then I went to an all-boys Catholic school.
And that is where I, that is where I became who I am today.
Like, I learned how to tell a story because Cuban kids were like, you sit down
at a table,
you can either tell a story, you can't tell a story.
If you can't tell a story, at an all-boys Catholic school, get the fuck out.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What are you bringing to the table?
So, found out where I stood in sports at that school.
Got my first fist fight.
All the shit that, like, turned me into who I am today.
Right.
What kind of happened there.
And then went to Florida State.
Had the greatest six and a half years of my life.
Uh-huh.
And then out of Florida State.
And I was always, I was always big fish, small pond.
Everywhere I was, always big fish, small pond.
And then when I went to Florida State, I, uh, fucking partied my balls off.
I walked, I walked onto the Florida State baseball team.
That's pretty good.
Well, well.
Not too shabby.
I walked off the same day.
I was asked to leave in the second inning.
I walked on.
Coach Mike.
Like Wesley Snipes in Major League.
He'd carry you out while you're sleeping on your cot.
Like something, like, up to the sprinklers.
But baseball's an interesting garbage angle because the coaches, like, you're
talking about
the people that form who you are were the coaches.
All my coaches growing up.
My dad coached at a certain point because he realized the men that I was
hanging around
were fucking garbage.
Yeah.
Like.
Outlaws.
Oh, dude, I remember, I remember when we played for the Yankees, two coaches,
they
were brothers.
They had four sons between them that were all on our team.
So that, like, all four of their sons were on our team, meaning they were
within a year
of age difference.
Yeah.
And I remember one saying, uh, steak dinner at Sizzler says I can hit a ground
ball past
Kreischer.
And I was like, I'm going to play at third base.
I'm 11.
And I'm like, I'm like, what's.
Betting steak dinners at the Sizzle.
And he goes, no, no.
And he's like, Kreischer, toes on the grass, toes on the grass.
For anyone who doesn't know baseball, that means your heels are on the clay,
toes are
on the grass of the infield.
Toes on the grass.
Hot box time.
Let's do it.
And this guy, a grown man, fucking taking full cut, trying to hit a ball past
me.
And I'm just like, fucking get me out of here.
Yeah, dude.
One of them Sundays if I can hit him in the head.
Jesus.
Bet you five bucks I can knock his ass out right now with a curveball.
I mean, I remember, I remember there were times when we moved to this new
neighborhood,
I watched these, I told, I was telling someone about this and it didn't make
sense when I
told it.
So I'll tell it slower.
We watched these kids catch another kid in our lake.
This kid was standing on an island in our lake, running away from two boys with
a BB
gun who caught him, put him in his boat, and then went away with him.
Jesus.
And it was like, that was like rednecks.
That was like real, one dude had an alligator.
Was that the Canadian kid or the Jewish kid?
No, there was a kid we didn't even know.
I don't even know.
We had one kid who ended up being a serial killer.
What?
Really?
The kid used to go into the woods.
We had woods, like big swamps around there.
And we'd go back there and he'd be like, but you guys, I bet you, I bet you I
can put a
stick on my ass.
And we're like, huh?
And he's like, I bet you I can get naked, climb up the tree and put a stick on
my ass.
And we're like, we're just going to ride bikes.
We're going to try to find some frogs to blow up.
Yeah.
And then my sister called me one day.
She's like, yo, he killed a bunch of hookers on the causeway.
Whoa.
I was like, shut the fuck up.
He invited me to this girl's house.
His family was watching this girl's house.
And he was like, hey, do you want to go over to your house and cut up the panties
of their
underwear?
And I was like, what?
So you could see it when he was a kid.
He was the first kid that showed me pornography.
First time I ever saw pornography, which was his dad's pornography.
And I couldn't figure out what the pussy was.
Because it was like, you know when a woman closes her leg, but lifts her legs
up and it's
just two bulbs.
Sure.
And I was like, what is that thing?
I don't know, but it's moist and it looks good.
Yeah.
Mine doesn't look like that.
So that's me in a nutshell.
Damn.
That was a very Florida backstory.
Holy shit.
Friends of the serial killer.
Saw a dude get struck by lightning at a Publix.
I mean, like, I think there was a lot of anxiety in my life.
I feel like I have anxiety now and I go, I wonder where it comes from.
Hang on.
Hang on.
You're freezing by this shit.
Yeah.
Saw a kid gets struck by lightning at a Publix.
We just moved to Lutz, right?
And so on Florida Avenue, there's a Publix at Florida and Bears.
And it's raining thunderstorms in Florida are bad.
We have bad lightning.
We can't have giraffes at our zoo.
What?
Yeah.
That's how bad our lightning is.
They kind of can't have any caps in our mouth.
So we can't have giraffes at our zoo.
That's the fucking trashiest shit.
That's not a rule.
That's insane.
I mean, I just never saw one.
I don't know.
Maybe.
I just never.
Yeah, you're probably going to afford one.
Maybe.
I don't know.
You can have all the lemurs and tigers you want.
But them giraffes ain't going to make it next storm, Tom.
The giraffes in the parking lot of the Publix.
Lowry Park Zoo.
Lowry Park Zoo is a 