Name: Andrew Santino: Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast - Chicago Kid
Uploaded: 2022-04-10T21:13:13.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Andrew Santino: Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast - Chicago Kid' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Andrew Santino: Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast - Chicago Kid' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-10. Transcript available.

Andrew Santino: Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast - Chicago Kid

Gang, quick update on the Middle Class Famous Tour.
We're going to be coming to the Moon Tower Comedy Festival.
That's Austin, baby, Tejas!
April 22nd and 23rd, April 22nd, we're going to be doing an evening with R.U.
Garbage.
That's our stand-up show, and then we play a little AYG with the crowd.
Yes, best news is it's open to the public.
Get your tickets.
Link's going to be in the description.
You can get them on the Moon Tower Comedy Festival website.
Tickies!
Find the link.
Get the tickies.
Then the next night, we're doing a live R.U. Garbage podcast recording with a
guest to be determined.
It's going to be good.
Get your tickets to that.
Austin, let's go!
Barkos!
Welcome to another exciting edition of R.U. Garbage, the show where you find
out if your
favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash.
Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast.
This is R.U. Garbage.
Oh, yeah.
It's a little show we sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find out if
they're going to be classy or if they're just a big old piece of trash.
I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day.
We're out here on the left coast, coming at you for a big away game here at Paragon
Studios, known as the brothel on certain edges of the Sunset Strip.
Oh, baby.
We were supposed to be doing this broadcast from our $10,000 a week Airbnb.
In the Hollywood Hills.
But we were kicked out this morning at 9.06 p.m.
A.m.
For more details on that, check the old Patreon.
Aunt Tootie is very upset.
She's at home back east, mounting our legal defense, pulling out the big guns,
already talking about Judge Joe Brown.
Oh, to defend us?
So this guy's in fucking trouble.
My co-host is coming at you from right next to me.
He is extremely mad at me.
He is the CEO of one of your companies.
He is my best pal in the whole wide world.
And if I don't tell you enough, I'm sorry and I love you.
Give it up for KJ.
It's Kevin James Ryan.
Hey, gang.
Thanks for tuning in.
As always, please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes.
Full video available on YouTube.
And as you know, those numbers are...
True to roof.
Cooking.
And then, obviously, the greatest website of all time, patreon.com slash are
you garbage.
Say it.
Over 5 million hours of content on that website there.
Sign up.
Get involved.
It's a good fucking time.
Check it out.
And a quick shout out to our producer extraordinaire,
who made this all happen in no time.
T-Bone, we love you.
Give it up for Toby McMullen, everybody.
What's up, dudes?
Dude, I'm in the booth.
I feel like we just signed with Warner Brothers, man.
We got the sophomore album ready to hit the charts, dude.
Let's spike up and start cutting the vocals.
You know what I'm saying?
Gang, we couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly,
and I mean incredibly special guest here with us today for the first time.
He is an extremely funny, extremely successful stand-up comedian, actor, and
podcaster.
You might have seen him in, but not limited to.
The Office, Arrested Development, Children's Hospital, Mixology, The League,
American Dad,
The Disaster Artist, 20 episodes of I'm Dying Up Here, Kirby Enthusiasm, Fairfax,
20 episodes of Dave and Still Counting, The Hit Show, Your Mom's House, Kill
Tony,
Come on, Conan, Half Hour Comedy Central, James Corden, Tiger Belly, What the
Fuck with Marc Maron,
and of course the big dog, the head cheese around here, the Joe Rogan
experience.
Yeah, the big dog.
He has an amazing special out called Home Field Advantage, and of course he is
the host of Whiskey Ginger,
co-host of Bad Friends, and the big question everybody's in mind today, which I'm
stumbling
over, is he garbage?
Got a little bit of cash, he's a good-looking kid.
Tight body on him.
Tight little body on him.
Tight body.
Rolled up in a tight little whip, and every time he looks at me, I think he's
disgusted,
so I don't think so.
But give it up for the one, the only Andrew Santino, everybody!
Thank you guys so much, man.
I appreciate it.
There he is.
Thank you for having me, boys.
Thanks for coming in, man.
What happened?
Why did we get kicked out of the old place?
We're going to get into it.
Yeah, there's a very strict no smoking policy.
Someone was smoking.
Someone got caught smoking, and then I was like, dude, no one was smoking.
I don't know what you're talking about.
We've been walking out to the street, no one's smoking on the property, and
then I got
a very scandalous pick from a ring camera of that.
No, who is that?
But honestly, whose body could that be?
Of your friendship circle, who could that be?
That could be anybody.
That could be anybody that I've seen.
In the greater Los Angeles area.
Yeah, that looks like a lot of guys.
A lot of Hollywood guys.
Obesity is a big problem in the U.S., you know what I mean?
That could have just been anybody walking down the street.
Especially here in L.A.
That looks like most Hollywood actors.
100%.
That could be Jake Gyllenhaal, for all I fucking know.
Christian Bale.
It looked like Bale from the back.
100%.
Bale from the back.
Bale from the back.
So what?
You're ripping heaters in the middle of the night, and you lied to the
boys, and you said, I'm not smoking, and they found out.
Dude, I was going to task with the guy in the chat.
Did you lie to them?
Did you say I wasn't smoking?
He claims he doesn't remember.
Yeah.
Well, yeah.
It was years ago.
I don't fucking know.
Yeah, it was so long.
Were you drunk?
Yeah, I might have had a couple of cocktails.
Well, then, so, you know, that is kind of admissible in court.
Yeah, yeah.
If you don't remember, you don't know.
You can't prove that's me, and you can't prove that's a cigarette.
That could be a blow pop for all that guy fucking knows.
God bless.
Let this man go free.
Free this man.
Which I had my blow pop right after the cigarette, I'm not going to lie.
We know.
Give us the scoop.
I'm surrounded by stupidity.
What's the backstory on Andrew Santino?
Where'd you grow up?
Chicago kid.
Chicago kid.
What's the easiest way to say all of this condensed into one?
My dad was a cocaine addict that went to prison.
Okay.
My parents got divorced before I was one.
Okay.
My mom raised me until she met my stepdad when we were, maybe I was six or
something like that.
Just you, no brothers, no sisters?
They had a kid together.
Okay.
They have my sister.
Step-sister, okay.
Half, half.
Half, steps.
Yeah, correct.
And then I've got, my dad has, you know, I don't know, nine to 12 kids
somewhere floating
around.
Really?
I mean, we have no idea.
Yeah.
There's like five that I think I know of.
Jesus.
And then-
You still talk to your dad at all?
Sometimes.
Me too.
I like that kind of relationship.
No, but he's clean now.
He got his life together.
Great.
But we've gone in two separate-
You know that song, Cats in the Cradle?
Of course.
That's about my whole life, where it's like, now he wants to come back in, and
I'm like,
I'm already my own guy.
Yeah.
So we-
Because you got a couple of bucks on you.
Yeah.
I don't want him to take it in, honey.
That's when they come sniffing back around.
Yeah.
Like a dog.
Where were we at when I was an open mic-er?
Yeah.
The commas go in the bank account.
I always loved you, son.
Yeah.
You know, I was always your dad-dad.
I knew you had it in you.
Get over here, Artie.
My name's Andrew.
Yeah, whatever.
So he-
So, yeah, we-
So my mom remarried my stepdad.
What'd he do?
Phenomenal dude.
Phenomenal dude.
He's a great guy.
He's my dad.
Okay.
He raised me.
He's the one that, like, taught you to fight, throw a football, you know, like,
Chicago stuff.
Yeah.
Those two things, that's all he taught me.
I thought you had to do shots of whiskey and knock out a bartender.
It's how you smash a bottle over somebody's head.
Yeah.
They talk back, you fucking crack.
Talk back, you get crack.
And then we moved from the city to the suburbs.
Okay.
And then I went to high school in the suburbs, junior high and high school in
the suburbs.
Nice area?
Real nice.
Very nice.
What did he do for a living again?
He was-
My stepdad was the vice president of sales for Turtle Wax, baby.
Whoa.
How specific.
But Turtle Wax, we all want to say this.
Fuck Turtle Wax.
They fired my dad after, like, 30-some-odd years of work.
Out of nowhere, just kicked him to the curb.
Severance package?
I mean, barely.
What they gave him was-
A couple of cases of Raynex?
Yeah.
Hey, we've been bought and you're gone.
They gave him those armor-all wipes.
Told him to fucking kick rocks.
No, he-
You're showering with those things?
Fuck Turtle Wax forever.
I've said that on every podcast.
And they deserve it.
Because they fired my dad out of nowhere.
I think the company got taken over by the kids.
The kids of the-
You know how that always goes?
And they fuck it up inevitably.
And so they-
And fuck them too.
Because who's out there on a Saturday using that bullshit?
Take it to the fucking car wash.
Take it to the car wash.
Employ America.
Let's go.
So he-
So yeah, he got kicked out of that.
And then I left Chicago-
Or I left the Midwest when I was 18 to go to Arizona State University.
Nice.
Because I'm a scholar.
Maybe the trashiest college of all.
ASU is always like, we're the number one party school.
We fight for that title like it's a proud thing.
Yeah.
Number one party school.
But now, this is what the saddest part about ASU people.
Now it's actually got a little bit of rep.
Like their business school is actually ranked in the nation.
And so now they'll do that thing where they're like, you know, we've got blah,
blah, blah, blah.
And they'll do that thing that I just did.
But inside, you're like, this is a piece of shit.
It's like where Girls Going Wild started or something.
It's where-
The dean is John Taffer?
Yeah.
But shut it down!
The dorms got kicked-
The frats got kicked out-
That's the best.
Because the year that I was a sophomore, maybe, there was a porn called Shane's
World.
You can Google this.
Really?
Shane's World did a porn live on campus.
And a guy was wearing, whatever, Sigma AP ASU shirt.
And from that point forward, they banned it.
So in my generation, frats got leveled.
Frat road disappeared.
Wow.
Because there was a-
The president at the time, a guy named Michael Crow, big Nazi.
Real proof.
Real Nazi.
He kicked out all the frats.
He said he didn't want the kind of lifestyle to continue on the campus.
That's what happened at Jenny in Florida.
So the guys that were actually in the porno were actual college guys?
Yeah.
Yeah.
They were actually like-
I'm misquoting what frat because I don't know.
Sure.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But they were in the porn, actual frat dudes.
And it went viral.
I mean, it went nuts.
This Shane's World.
You can look it up.
Shane's World ASU.
I gotta take a look at this.
And it got clipped.
And so then that was the beginning of the end.
They had already had-
All the frats had violations and all this shit.
But frat row was this like-
It was like two cul-de-sacs on campus but right off to the side.
And it was like a little-
It was Disneyland for douchebags.
Sure, of course.
And so then he decided one day that it was over.
So then they leveled it.
So my generation was the last one-
To have it.
To have it.
I wasn't in a frat, but it was wild to watch this all go down.
Yeah, that's fucking crazy.
It was like 9-11.
It was watching the towers fall.
I'll never forget where I was.
I saw the frats go away.
I remember, dude.
I was at the cafeteria when I heard the news.
I watched them take the sex swing out.
It was brutal.
That's fucking true.
Were you a big student?
Yeah.
Actually, in high school, I was not.
Because I was-
You know us.
You know our-
Of course.
I was a distraction to other students, hyperactive, rude, talkative, back-talking.
You know, you get those lists that they send home.
And so in high school, I was like a C student.
Okay.
Of course.
And then in college, I graduated with honors.
Whoa.
Wow.
Because I wen