Name: Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast: Pete Holmes - Massachusetts Kid (LIVE)
Uploaded: 2022-05-01T22:21:11.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast: Pete Holmes - Massachusetts Kid (LIVE)' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast: Pete Holmes - Massachusetts Kid (LIVE)' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-01. Transcript available.

Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast: Pete Holmes - Massachusetts Kid (LIVE)

Gang, before we hit the fun button in the episode,
let's talk about the good old middle-class famous tour.
Talking stand-up show, play a little AYG with the crowd.
It's a good time.
Grab the homies, grab the bozos, grab your gal, grab your guy.
Come out and see us.
We're coming everywhere.
Yeah, guys, we're going to be in Denver, Phoenix, Salt Lake City, Chicago.
Chicago.
Late show out at First Social Out.
Then we're going to be in Rosemont.
Rosemont.
Oh, baby.
Then we're going to Pittsburgh, Buffalo, and Detroit in June.
Get those tickets.
We'll see you there.
Welcome to another exciting edition of R.U. Garbage,
the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals
or absolute trash.
Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast.
This is R.U. Garbage.
Yeah, it is.
It's a little show.
We sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find out if they're good to be
classy.
Yeah.
Or if they're just a big old piece of trash.
I'm your host, H. Foley, here with my partner in crime, Mr. Kevin James Ryan.
Hello.
As you know, we were down there in Austin, Texas, recently at the Moon Tower
Comedy Festival.
Kehas.
Doing a live podcast.
Happened to land a big, big fish.
Who's that?
You know him.
Uh-uh.
You love him.
Who?
We're going to get to him right now, live from Austin, Texas.
Ladies and gentlemen, a very special episode of R.U. Garbage with Mr. Pete
Holmes.
Enjoy.
Yeah.
Thanks for coming out, everybody.
We appreciate it.
Make sure you rate, review, subscribe on iTunes.
Full video available on YouTube.
As you know, those numbers are...
True.
Fucking baby.
And then obviously I'd be an asshole, a jerk-off, an idiot if I didn't mention
the greatest website of all time.
Sweet Lord.
www.patreon.com slash R.U. Garbage.
Check it the fuck out.
Love that money.
And how about a nice quick shout-out?
Give him a round of applause.
T-Bone McMuffin.
Toby McMullen, everybody.
T-Bone.
We love you, pal.
Gang, we could not be more excited.
And I mean more excited to have our incredibly special guest here with us today
for the first time.
He is a very funny, very successful stand-up comedian, actor, podcaster,
producer, talk show host, and tall drink of water, if I might say so, myself.
You've seen him in, but not limited to.
Get ready for this.
Ugly Americans.
Marin.
Kroll Show.
Mulaney.
American Dad.
Animals.
Don't Think Twice.
Fantasy Hospital.
Bob's Burgers.
Adam Ruins Everything.
He got 24 episodes of Crashing, which he created in Road 15.
Holy shit.
Then we're talking about The Secret Life of Pets 2.
We're talking about Star Wars Resistance.
The Simpsons also wrote two episodes of that show.
Oh, boy.
No big fucking deal.
You see him in Home Sweet Home Alone.
The Pete Holmes Show.
43th episode to that baby.
He's got his own Comedy Central Presents.
Premium Blend.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.
Your Mom's House.
Not Safe with Nikki Glaser.
Last Call with Carson Daly.
WTF.
Joe Rogan.
Larry King.
He's a worker.
Inside Jokes.
Hot Ones.
Jimmy Kimmel Live.
The Today Show.
Ellen.
CBS Saturday Morning.
Good Morning America.
14 appearances on fucking Conan.
Lights Out with David Spade.
The Late Show.
The Talk and Entertainment Tonight.
He has many specials out.
Nice Try the Devil.
Face and Sounds.
Dirty Clean.
And he's also the host of You Made It Weird.
And one of the stars of the brand new CBS hit, How We Roll.
Do me a favor.
And not to mention, he's got a little bit of that E-Trade money.
Do me a favor.
Give it up for the one and the only.
Peter!
Let's go!
I was this close to fucking that up.
I can tell you right now.
Wow.
Buddy.
That's too much stuff.
I only saw dollar signs, to be honest with you.
That was really tiring to hear.
Because every, those were words to you, but every line was a memory.
Yeah.
Like, it'd be like Ellen.
And I met Samuel L. Jackson at Ellen.
It just flashed.
It's not a good story.
I walked in and there was Sam.
Like, if you were on Ellen, round of applause.
You're on Ellen.
You guys know when you're on Ellen.
Sam Jackson is in the other green room.
Do you go in?
Clap if yes.
Clap if no, just to identify yourself as a cool-ass motherfucker who wouldn't
go in.
This guy's happy.
No way!
What if you're just like, not a fan!
I went in and...
With a Kangal hat on?
With a Kangal hat?
I thought you asked if he had cankles.
Yes, he did have cankles.
He needs to work his lower body.
Pete went for the big high five.
My man!
Oh my God.
I don't recall what I did for the greeting.
But I remember that as soon as I said hello, I was like, I gotta get out of
here.
Like, what am I doing wasting this person's time?
Buddy, thank you so much for coming and sitting down with us.
We appreciate it.
Give Pete one more big round of applause again.
Thanks for having me, everybody.
Good to hear it.
Thank you.
We got a little fucking star power in this joint.
Just tell the Sam Jackson story and leave.
Well, I felt like it was hot enough.
It was like a closer of a story.
You'll always be closing, dude.
I don't want to get greedy.
Give us the full scoop.
What's the Pete Holmes story?
Go back, tell us childhood, brothers, sisters, mom, dad.
Massachusetts kid, right?
Massacousits, yeah.
Never said that before.
Yeah, that's a generous question.
I'm from Lexington, Massachusetts, birthplace of the American Revolution.
You're welcome.
Oh, look at that.
That's a fucking patriot over here, everybody.
We lost.
We reenact that battle every year.
We lose every year.
And I don't know.
I think I can summarize it pretty quickly.
I had an overloving mother and just a withholding enough father who's also a
gregarious ham that made me want to get in the profession of getting attention.
You know what I'm saying?
I have an older brother, two years older, and I also grew up super religious.
So when you go to church a lot, this is going to sound fake, but you see a
pastor speaking and occasionally getting laughs.
Oh, yeah.
That really, you know how like Brandy, they're always like, I started singing
in church.
There's a comedy equivalent where you're like, they let me go up.
I would do, I know it didn't date well or age well, but I'd do a Cosby
impression and all these things.
At church?
At church.
What?
That's two worlds crossing right there.
It wasn't Catholic, you son of a bitch.
This guy's doing Rodney Dangerfield.
He's killing.
But I mean, you could only do clean stuff.
So I would do Zip-A-Dip and Puddin' Pops and all that.
That's awesome.
That's where the bug started.
Buckets going around the church real quick, trying to get some tips.
It was a rich church.
We did have buckets instead of baskets.
Golden buckets.
What was the house like growing up?
Single family home, suburbs, right?
Single family, yeah.
I thought you meant single parent.
No, yeah, yeah, yeah.
How dare you.
No offense to all of the single, the guy who didn't want to be Zip Jackson.
Some of the guys in the back.
I sent the birthplace of the American Revolution, didn't I?
Yeah, my parents are still together, unfortunately.
And we were raised in, I would say, I mean, like, from the outside, it looked
great.
We lived in, like, this old, sort of haunted-looking Victorian house.
But there was a lot of fighting.
I didn't know that that wasn't normal.
Is this the flavor of the bug?
Yeah, we like it.
For sure.
Yeah, what do you mean?
Well, what comedians do, I just do a TED Talk.
TEDx.
TEDx.
Let's not flatter myself.
It's a TEDx talk.
Off-brand.
But every night was incredibly tense.
My mom was waiting for my dad to get home.
He was maybe at the bar.
He comes home.
We have this meal.
And, like, that's where you hone the skill of, like, noticing how everyone
feels.
Sure.
Reading the room.
Reading the room.
Yeah, you got it.
So that's what I do for a living.
That's why when I started doing, like, comedy clubs, and it would be, like, the
midnight show at fucking Helium in Philadelphia.
And they're, like, it's a little rowdy.
And I'm, like, you don't have shit on dad.
You know what I mean?
Is my drunk dad out there?
Then we're good.
It was, like, it's simultaneously the scariest thing to a performer.
And it's also, like, the best thing you can do because you're reclaiming your
youth.
Sure.
You were in the situation that you couldn't control.
So it makes perfect sense that you got in a business of trying to control a
situation.
Yeah.
And this is everything.
People who make TV, direct TV, write TV, people who do stand-up, people who act,
they all tend to be a little bit of control freaks.
Sure.
Because it's insane.
Oh, it's a wild career path.
It's insane.
It's for lunatics.
First of all, we ask you to clap before we've done anything.
One more time for Pete, huh?
Exactly.
You ask them to clap twice.
Two, imagine if I wrote, like, it's possible.
Let's say something happens.
One of you comes up and slaps me.
And this becomes a huge benchmark moment in my life.
And then I later write a movie about it.
Okay.
Well, then it would be insane.
Like, I would be like, wild applause.
Pete turns to the crowd, makes eyes with the most beautiful woman.
She winks.
Like, it's like, what kind of lunatic?
Like, you're just like, and then Kev comes up to me and goes, you were the best
guest we ever had.
And I knew then, yeah.
That's insane.
It is.
It's what?
And that's what we do.
We try to keep it a little more.
Somebody get a treatment together for that, will you?
For God's sakes, get something on paper.
Good, we get a treatment.
Inside info.
I like it.
Do your parents still live on the same street, the same house?
They moved.
Okay, so this will get us into our garbage.
Hit me.
I enjoy the pod.
You already had us with the dinner fights, by the way, just so you know.
We're already there.
I can handle a tough room.
The spaghetti flying across the room was a dead giveaway.
You ever spill milk all over the meatloaf?
No, that's a tough spot.
I'm going to give you a big clue, I think.
I don't know if I'm garbage.
But a big clue is, when I wanted to eat my feelings, it was Triscuit's.
Oh, that's a fancy cracker.
That's all right, Pete.
Holy shit.
Kid's got a little bit of cash.
I knew you would like that.
Yeah.
It was Triscuit's?
Hey, Ritz, kick rocks, will you?
We're at Triscuit's house.
He's not eating combos like a dirt bag.
What am I, at a rest stop?
I'm not eating combos.
Dude, I eat them at every rest stop.
Yeah, that's when you're allowed to eat them.
Sure.
We're talking olive oil and basil, fat reduced, the good stuff.
Ooh, fat reduced.
Doesn't help you with those carbs, though, does it?
Him specifically, he means.
It's a carb-y one.
Is that a green light area?
I didn't know.
You went for it.
You went for it.
That's what the show's built on.
That's a lot of fat jokes and a couple of bald jokes.
It was okay to print it, Pete.
So, oh, and it was with Tropicana orange juice because that was salty sweet.
People think that's insane.
I get it.
But if you eat Triscuit's and every once in a while, we're talking like a
gentleman's sip.
Not a gulp, like a little, like you're tasting scotch.
Sure.
Just a little reminder that life can also be sweet.
Your mouth is cut up.
Fucking Cap'n Crunch gets all the credit for cutting up the roof of your mouth.
Triscuit's ain't easy.
I ain't a fucking Triscuit.
That shit will fuck you up.
That shit comes in looking for Cap'n Crunch and cuts his ear off.
He's the captain now.
Who's the cap'n now, I believe.
I apologize.
But these are premium.
These are in the 80s and 90s, like Tropicana.
What kind of pulp level are you doing on the Tropicana?
Back then it was pulp or no pulp?
It was zero pulp.
Wow.
You know what I'll do if I want some fucking pulp?
I'll eat a goddamn orange.
All the pulp you need, baby.
I'm having a beverage.
You know that was a mistake.
That's like the oops all berries of drinks.
They're like, this has all this fucking shit in it.
Just say it's 20% pulp.
Yeah.
Fucking gross.
What was I telling you?
I don't remember.
Do you remember?
