Name: Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast: Brendan Schaub - Colorado Kid
Uploaded: 2022-05-08T19:36:57.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast: Brendan Schaub - Colorado Kid' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast: Brendan Schaub - Colorado Kid' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-08. Transcript available.

Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast: Brendan Schaub - Colorado Kid

Gang, let's talk about that middle-class famous tour, baby.
Coming to a town near you.
The hottest thing on the road right now.
We've been zipping all over the country, and we're coming to a town near you.
Kippy, straighten them out.
First of all, we got a second show out in Chicago.
Sold the first one out.
Yes, we did.
Zany's.
Yep.
Still some tickets left for the late show.
Then we're over there in Rosemont.
Rosemont.
Tickets are moving for that, so get them goddamn pickies.
Get on that.
Then we're also going to be in Pittsburgh, Buffalo, and Detroit.
Get them now before they're gone.
Yep.
It's a stand-up show.
We play AYG with the crowd.
You've seen the clips.
What are we doing?
Come see us.
Bring the homies.
Bring the bozos.
Bring the squad.
Do it.
Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage?
The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals
or absolute trash.
Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast.
This is Are You Garbage.
Uh-huh.
It's a little show.
We sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find it out to be classy.
Yeah.
Or to just a big old piece of trash.
I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day.
We're down here at Antutti's basement.
I had to lock her in her room when she saw this specimen coming down the
sidewalk.
It's a tall drink of water.
I'm going to have to shop back the bathroom at again.
My co-host is coming at you from right next to me.
He is the CEO of Are You Garbage?
He's an international businessman, and he is not to be trifled with in the
boardroom or the bedroom.
Uh-huh.
Give it up for KJ, Kevin James Ryan.
Hey, gang.
Thanks for tuning in.
As always, please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes.
Full video available on YouTube, and as you know, those numbers are.
True to roof.
Cooking, baby.
We've been saying that since about 300 subscribers, and they really are cooking
now.
That's the hustle.
And then, obviously, the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com, backslash
RU Garbage,
or slash RU Garbage.
Check it out.
You get bonus content, episodes of Hard Feelings, live streams, the whole nine
yards.
Check it out.
Oh, yeah.
And have a nice quick shout-out to our producer extraordinaire, the magic man,
makes us all
look good.
Give it up for T-Bone McScruffin.
Toby McMullen, everybody.
What's up, dudes?
What's up, T-Bone?
We got the most intimidating man we've ever had in the world.
This is going to be a good time.
Really?
Intimidating?
What do you mean?
You're like the Iceman.
What are you talking about?
Really?
God damn it.
I'm going to be peeing sitting down for the next week.
You're a little scarier than Tim Dillon, I've got to say.
Dude, we've never had vegetables in here.
Now we've got cauliflower here.
I'm so sorry, dude.
I'm trying to dial it back, man.
Yeah, you could be wearing a dress.
I'd still be scared of you.
I don't give a shit.
Because, gang, we couldn't be more excited to have our Incredibly, and I mean
incredibly
special guest here with us today for the first time.
He is a very funny, very successful stand-up comedian, podcaster, and former
UFC fighter.
You've seen him in, but not limited to, Love and Sex,
Ghost Adventures.
We're going to get into that.
Please do.
Kill Tony.
Chelsea Lately.
Miss Busters.
That's a check mark right there.
Ancient Aliens.
Below the Belt.
Something's Burning.
Watch What Happens Live.
Tiger Belly.
30 for 30.
Lights Out with David Spade.
Ridiculousness.
The Joe Rogan Show.
He is, of course, the host of The Fighter and The Kid, co-host, King and the Sting.
He has a brand new special out right now called Gringo Poppy, but the big
question in everybody's
mind today is, could I take him?
Get Jake Paul on the phone, couple of milli, we'll find out.
Do me a favor.
Give it up for Brendan Schaub, everybody.
Let's go.
Look at you.
Be money.
What's up, fellas?
Fucking man's man over here.
I told you, man, out of all the shows that I have on the press tour, I was
looking forward
to this the most.
Thank you, buddy.
Dude, and you guys need to hear this.
Everybody loves you guys, man.
Oh, thanks, man.
I'm telling you, from the big boys across the board, everybody loves you guys.
Thank you.
That means a lot.
Thank you.
I talked to my girlfriend and my family.
They disagree with you.
And I like how you said you're not intimidated, and you walked in here and
started drinking
the props from the set.
Well, is that real skippy?
I'm just a fucking...
I'm doing keto.
I'm keto, man.
Is that high C?
Yeah, just these random fucking things up here.
Yeah, he really went for it.
He's like, I'll do whiskey.
I'm like, all right.
Just took it off the shelf.
Hey, you're looking around casing the joint.
Like, you guys got any...
There you go.
Right there.
Oh, we did Jameson, too, I forgot about.
Yeah, I don't know if I'm garbage, but I'm definitely an alcoholic.
I mean...
I was jonesing to get your whiskey.
Well, first of all, we didn't even ask him if he wanted to drink.
We had a bottle of water out, and he goes, you guys just pound water?
Is that how you podcast?
I'm like, I think there's some turpentine in the corner if you want to...
You guys want to put a little hair on your chest, huh?
You're also packing a lip, right?
This guy's going after it.
Yeah, nicotine.
Not tobacco.
Nicotine.
Oh, okay.
Were you on the dip at one point, though?
The real deal?
Uh-uh.
Really?
No, I never get real deal.
These are...
I don't know if anybody dips in here, but as far as nicotine goes, the flavor
on these,
man...
Like, everything's intense.
Coffee, like, I start my mornings with eight espresso shots.
Oh, I do...
I go through a can of these.
Yeah.
Take a walk.
Do some push-ups or something, will you?
Fucking eight espressos.
Yeah, and I only eat red meat.
Really?
Yeah, I eat, like, a big cat at the zoo.
Like, if a tiger doesn't eat it, I don't touch it, fellas.
So, yeah, so I'm gonna have a heart attack in about four years, so...
Yeah, that's...
You gotta tone it down a little bit.
So, enjoy this.
Why, why, we gotta...
Enjoy the content.
I got four years to get good at stand-up.
I feel like I'm sitting down with a liver king over here.
This is...
This guy's crazy.
What is the backstory?
What's the origin story?
You said you're a Colorado kid.
Denver kid.
Really, Aurora.
Aurora, Colorado.
Okay.
Yep.
So, man, no one's ever asked this.
Have you been podcasting for, like, 15 years?
Literally, it was me and Mark.
No one's ever asked me where I've been.
Never.
Nobody asked me anything.
It's...
Ever.
I'm always doing my own shit.
So, you were a fighter.
Who told you that?
Yeah, I'm like, who the fuck?
Who the fuck gave you that info?
This guy actually hasn't been famous for a decade.
Oh, man, this kid's on edge.
I like it.
This guy's a real loose cannon, man.
I think it's the espresso shots in the morning.
He starts choking out T-Bone.
I'm gonna let it go for a couple of minutes.
Just enjoy the show.
Woo!
The espresso and the red meat's not helping.
Holy fuck.
You got a Cobb salad or something.
Dude, you're splashing CT.
I forget where I'm from, dude.
Yeah, I'm like, oh, fuck.
They're gonna ask me where I'm from?
You forget he's been punching the head 4,000 times.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So, I got that working for me.
So, that's cool.
No, I'm...
If you go, you're really gonna go.
Yeah.
Oh, it's gonna be a shit show.
No, I was born and raised in Aurora, Colorado.
Aurora, especially now, but when I was growing up, mainly, predominantly black
neighborhood.
Okay.
It was me and my older brother.
Black, divorced parents.
Okay.
Black neighborhood.
So, that's where comedy and sports kicked in.
Right.
Because in order to be cool and fit in, I got made fun of and got bullied a lot.
Uh-huh.
But I excelled at sports and was able to, like, break the ice with anybody.
Yeah, you get in that way.
So, I'll make friends with anybody.
Yeah.
You put me in a room, I'll make 100 friends.
Because I'm good at, like, breaking those barriers.
Navigating that, yeah.
And, like, making fun of myself.
So, that's where the comedy and, like, all that came from.
Were you big as a kid or were you like a late bloomer?
No, I was small.
Super late bloomer.
Really?
Never got in fights as a kid.
Wasn't the tough kid.
Huh.
I was the silly class clown.
And then, uh, I was athletic, though, but I was small.
I was small.
Super late bloomer.
So, this is, I don't mean to interrupt you.
No, please.
This is, uh, how serious I was.
The show's yours, sir.
Yeah.
Just don't power-bomb me and we're all right.
Someone take the whiskey, man.
Let's get weird in here.
You say you want to start an OnlyFans?
The show's going good until he suplexed fully.
We're having a good time to CT flare it up.
I don't know.
Somebody turned on the microwave and he freaked out.
Jesus Christ.
Oh, baby, we got a hot one already, boys.
Super hot, bros.
Yeah, so this is how serious I was about, um, fitting in at school.
So, I knew I was more athletic than a lot of those kids and at recess is where
you were cool.
So, we always played on grass with a soccer, football, and I had a gift.
Just that sports is a curse, a blessing and a curse.
But my way to be cool, you know, they would make fun of me.
But when recess came, I would shine.
And I knew that's how I'd get street cred.
So, uh, my mom, we didn't grow up rich.
My mom, I made her take me to Payless shoe stores.
And I, I, I wore a, uh, the McGregor's at the time, cleats.
Sure.
They were the mold cleats.
Dude, I wore them.
You had recess?
No, hold up.
I wore them to school.
So, I'm walking through.
Everyone's making fun of me.
It's going clink, clink, clink.
That's right.
You're like, wait till recess, pussy.
That's why I went, all right, bitch.
I'm about to flex on all you boys.
Yeah, I know it's 8 a.m.
Wait till, wait till, all right.
I look like an asshole in chemistry class.
We'll see what's up.
Yeah.
We'll see what's up.
So, recess came.
No one had, like, good footing because it was like, you know, your, your boy
here.
This guy's crazy.
Dude, I was Barry Sanders in fourth grade, dude.
It might have been the cleats, but then the other dope thing my mom loved is
because they're mold cleats, I'd wear them on black, you know, black top and
all over, is they wore out over time so I didn't need new shoes.
So, she was like, oh, yeah, you just keep wearing those and they turned into
regular shoes.
Wait, so you wore rundown spikes or cleats as then shoes?
Yeah, yeah, McGregor's, yeah, yeah.
Man.
But, dude, when, when I had traction.
That's real single mom shit right there.
Yeah.
When I had traction, though, we'll see who's laughing.
Dude, and field day?
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Fucking breaking ankles over here.
That's fucking Michael Phelps of the field day, man.
Dude, wearing cleats to school, that's a fucking new one right there.
I do love the confidence.
Like, just fucking, I'll take, I'll take the beating right now.
Just fucking win.
Light me up, fellas.
We'll see what's up.
Walking around the lunchroom in full football gear.
Yeah.
I got eye black on.
How did you guys?
It's third grade.
Yeah, relax.
How did you guys end up in this neighborhood?
Is your family from the area?
Yeah.
How'd you end up in Denver?
Your parents were there?
Yeah, my parents, yeah.
No one, my dad was born in Denver.
Okay.
So he just stayed there.
Okay.
He just stayed there.
Then he met my mom there.
And then, you know, they got divorced when I was like six or seven.
So then my mom moved into an apartment.
And then my parents were, now, you know, I'm a dad.
I have a six-year-old and a two-year-old.
And when I think of this, the magnitude, the pressure they put on me and my
brother, when
they got divorced, they sat us down like, all right, you got to decide right
now.
Oh, my God.
I had that too.
Who's coming with me?
Who's coming with your mom?
Yep.
And my brother's like, I'll go with my mom.
And I'm like, I'm staying with dad.
Damn.
So they separate.
And then we