Name: Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast: Mike Cannon is Back!
Uploaded: 2022-05-19T00:23:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast: Mike Cannon is Back!' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast: Mike Cannon is Back!' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-19. Transcript available.

Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast: Mike Cannon is Back!

Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage?
The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals
or absolute trash.
Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast.
This is Are You Garbage?
Yeah, it is.
It's a little show.
We sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find out if they grow up to be
classy.
Yeah.
They grow up to just a big old piece of trash.
Trash, trash.
I'm your host, Dave Foley, down here at Aunt Tootie's Basement.
She's upstairs cutting the lawn, trimming her pubes.
My co-host is doing it in the backyard.
I told her, knock that shit off!
My co-host is coming at you from right next to me, unamused.
I went for it.
I apologize.
I pushed the envelopes of my Tootie's intros.
He is the CEO of Are You Garbage?
He's an international businessman.
And I'll tell you what else on the low, he's my best pal in the whole wide
world, and
I love him.
Give it up for Kevin James Ryan.
Thanks, pal.
Love you too, big man.
Thanks for tuning in, everybody.
Please make sure you rate, review, subscribe on iTunes.
Full video available on YouTube.
As you know, those numbers are...
True to Rope!
Cooking!
Then, obviously, Patreon.com.
You sign up there, you get a whole shit ton of content.
I think a bajillion hours we just hit.
It's good stuff.
Check it out.
Patreon.com backslash RUGarbage.
I think any slash is fine.
Did they get rid of that?
Just Google it.
Google it.
This kid's pretty smart.
How about a nice quick shout out to our producer extraordinaire?
I haven't understood any of the choices you've made so far.
I mean, we typically work well as a team.
You're out in left field with a hockey stick right now.
I'm not going to deny that.
They've all been missteps.
I'll give you that.
I'm hoping to land this plane and right this ship.
I'm zigging.
You're zagging.
It's all over the place.
Let's see how the Toby throw goes.
Gang, I'll be a nice quick shout out to our producer extraordinaire.
The magic man makes us all look good.
We love him.
You love him.
Give it up for T-Bone McButton's Toby McMullen.
What up, dudes?
Hey, T-Bone.
I want to let all the listeners out there know we got a rad dad in the studio.
Rad dads.
And I'm taking all bets on whose kid is going to double backflip first.
Mike Cannon versus Tim Butterly versus Jeremiah Watkins.
My money's on Cannon, baby.
Long hair ain't lying, gang.
We got a little family in the building right here.
He's a family member at this point.
He's a family man.
Very funny.
I'm not a fan, but short.
Stand up.
Get the guns out, boys.
We had a fucking old shootout down here.
I thought you were coming over a nice time.
Wow, you asked me to put on my glasses for this?
I'll punch a man in glasses.
I don't care.
I'm all screwballs, and he's taking shots at you.
Gang, he's got a brand new special out right now called White Privilege Homeless.
You can check that out on his YouTube page.
Check it out.
Give it up for the one and the only, Mr. Mike Cannon.
Yeah.
How you doing, everybody?
My money's on Butterly's, kid.
Yeah.
For sure.
They feel like they're just already doing front flips and somersaults.
They're upside down people.
They also got some years on my kid.
He's more into dunking.
Yeah.
One of his kids are going to become Nightwing or something like that.
Yeah, dude.
Right?
A Grayson.
Yeah.
Can I be honest with you?
Yes.
My money's on Butterly, but we got too much money on that side, so I'm trying
to get some
money on your side.
I appreciate it, dude.
Thank you.
I'm moving the lines.
Thank you.
Does the little guy have a bike?
Did you get him a little BMX bike?
He's got one of those balance bikes.
Okay.
With training wheels.
No, no.
This is no pedals, no nothing.
Yeah, this is a new thing.
It's like a scooter that you sit on, kind of, if that makes sense.
Yes.
That's a bicycle.
But, yeah.
It's two wheels, and you just kind of cruise.
It's like if the Flintstones car was a bike.
Okay.
So there's no pedals.
You're just kind of, like, learning to stabilize yourself.
But kids basically, like, rip on these things on dirt tracks.
So I'm looking for, I'm, like, shoving them down steep hills just to see what
he's made
of, dude.
You know what's crazy?
I've seen these kids on those goddamn scooters.
Yeah.
You see, like, a toddler, like, ripping down, like, fucking Fifth Avenue.
Yeah.
I'm like, how did you fucking?
I was a big wheel kid.
When I was two.
My son is two.
He hadn't had a big wheel.
I don't know if they even sell them for less than, like, six grand on eBay,
because everything
vintage is super cool.
They don't have them now?
They're not still making them?
I don't think.
Not the plastic one.
Yeah, the plastic ones would get the hole in the wheel.
Well, yeah, the hole in the wheel, you'd go to fix it, you're two, and you'd
slice an
artery.
But you had to have those plastic wheels, because you couldn't drift if you
didn't have it.
That's right.
Drift on them.
Yeah.
Throwing that big front wheel.
Like a new pair of shoes.
Yeah.
I mean, this is how little parents used to, or at least mine, gave a shit.
I was two years old.
I couldn't imagine even allowing my son out of my sight.
He's so incapable of surviving.
And I was, like, going down hills at two and a half years old on my big wheel,
so much so
that while drifting at the bottom, I skidded out on gravel and face planted on
the street
and carved up the entire right side of my face.
They didn't know what was happening back then.
They didn't.
I specifically remember riding my big wheel going down the middle of our street
in our development.
And also, too, I remember, like, the first time I discovered, like, tar, like,
what they
put on the street, like, you know, the sealant that they put on.
It was, like, a summer.
It was, like, a summer.
I remember the smell.
And then I look back and realize, like, oh, I was sitting in the middle of the
road playing
with fucking wet tar.
Like, that's fucking insane.
Some of the best days of my life.
It was, though.
And now you're sucking it into your lungs.
I need it.
I started at a young age.
I remember the first time I got a proper bike.
My mom was, like, we'll go.
We, like, went and got me a bike.
Like, no training wheels.
What was it?
I don't remember.
I was young.
I just remember it was green.
Yeah.
I remember my bike.
I was, like, I'll tell it after.
All right.
My driveway's in.
You go ahead first, nerd.
Yeah.
And then I'm going to tail whip right over you.
Fucking end, though.
Right through your head.
You tell your non-GT pro performer story.
I did have some nice bikes.
But the first one, I was, like, probably six or whatever.
I don't know.
I didn't know how to ride a bike without training wheels.
Yeah.
And my mom was, like, yeah, let's just single model.
You know, she was, like, yeah, all right.
Let's fucking try.
So I'm, like, all right.
And she just, I remember being, like, this.
I remember I can still feel nervous.
I'm, like, this isn't going to be good.
And I was, like, all right.
So I just get on the bike.
And I'm going.
My driveway was a hill.
So I pick up enough momentum to where I'm, like, I don't need to balance.
Right.
The bike's balancing.
And, dude, I just, I didn't know what to do.
I didn't know anything.
I didn't know brakes or anything.
I just fucking went and hit the fucking curb and did a front flip over.
And just, like, wind knocked out of you at five years old.
I was, like, yeah, you hit the brake.
I'm, like, how the fuck's going on, lady?
That feeling.
First time operating this rig.
That feeling is the exact same feeling an adult would feel if they were, like,
pushed off a building.
100%.
Because you have no concept of how to stop.
No.
You think it's life or death.
There's nothing to stop you from smashing your soft head into the pavement.
That's precisely what happened.
Insane.
I learned how to ride a two-wheeler when I was four years old.
My parents took me and my older sister on vacation to Amish country, to Lancaster,
Pennsylvania.
Yeah, we used to go on a two-wheeler.
Field trip.
A two-wheeler without training wheels.
Oh, okay.
So I had, like, a huffy training wheel, whatever, that I was, like, taking off
of rocks and insane.
Because I was a nuts kid.
I just had so much energy.
I was just smashing into shit all the time.
Hey, you're a calm guy.
I've smoked myself into submission.
But I could still, you know, I could peak at times.
I think you're crazy.
You have a weighted blanket of weed on you at all times.
That is exactly right, dude.
That's how it is.
It's like my little stress monkey.
Otherwise, he jumps off roofs in the pools.
I can't stop him.
You think I can clear the gap?
What, dude?
Relax.
Hit the joint, will you?
No, you're right.
Yeah, I probably shouldn't climb the roof.
We're on an airplane.
You're like, I'm going to climb down through the wheel.
All right.
Could just wait for the jetway.
Hey, take an edible.
Relax.
Otherwise, you'd turn into Bear Grylls.
You know, I don't know.
I just have too much testosterone.
But so I learned some older kid in Amish country was, like, living and actually
subsisting on that farm that we stayed on and vacationed on.
And he taught me how to ride it in the grass to the point where I got
confidence.
I was obsessed with this movie Rad, which I've since named my son after the
lead character.
And it was just, like, everything to me.
So my parents, my first bike, it was the last present of Christmas.
It's, like, the one Christmas that they absolutely knocked out of the park, and
they've been eaten off that forever.
How old are we riding rivers with his one championship?
How old are we at this point?
I'm four.
You're four?
I'm four, yeah.
Jesus.
I'm going on five.
So I'm, like, I'm closer to five than I am to four.
But I was, like, I was riding and ripping all over.
The huffy got, like, those things are.
I don't think you're supposed to have a two-wheeler at four.
Are you?
I think so, right?
Four?
That's normal.
I don't know.
I don't have children.
Yeah.
That's about when I got mine.
Really?
I mean, my sister was, like, 11, but she's the least athletic human being on
Earth.
My dog's five months.
He's got her golf cart.
But so my parents, it was, like, the one Christmas they crushed.
They put it over or under this blanket.
And I remember just shaking, tearing it off.
And it was a Mongoose M1 1989.
And it was, like, the sickest bike straight from the, you know, Mongoose.
The Mongoose is loose.
Mongoose was the big thing in red.
Mongoose is big, yeah.
So I was just, like, it was fucking the greatest gift of my entire life.
It was a little one, though, for a smaller kid.
It wasn't, like, a full-size, like, bike, was it?
Yeah.
I mean, it was probably, like...
It was probably a junior size.
I guess it was.
I mean, in my mind now, I'm considering it full-size, but I don't...
There's no way.
It must have been, like, a junior.
Yeah.
I guess, I mean, you're shattering my perspective and my...
You were four, man.
That's not like you were 14 or something like that.
Yeah, but I was riding...
I don't know.
I was riding all the older kids' bikes, too.
If you slam that seat to the bottom, BMX bikes are super small as is.
Yeah.
Yeah, no.
Four, that's young.
Because all the older kids on my block had, like, Diamondbacks and Redlines.
Diamondback was big.
GT was big.
Redline was big.
Yeah.
Diamondbacks.
But they had the ones with the gyros.
I had the racing bike because Rad was a racing movie.
How long did you keep that bike for?
How long was that your bike?
That was my bike probably until I was, like, 12.
I guess, yeah.
Yeah, so then I got a Dyno NSX, I believe, which is actually a downgrade and a
shittier
racing bike, but I took that through hell.
I fucking, I, like, lit M80s off of that thing.
It was just a fucking lunatic.
We used to have, we used to build, like, dirt ramps.
Yeah.
Doubles and stuff, yeah.
Doubles and, like, use logs to build it up and then slam the mud on top of it