Name: Tom Segura | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast
Uploaded: 2022-06-15T21:06:14.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tom Segura | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tom Segura | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-15. Transcript available.

Tom Segura | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast

Gang, the Middle Class Famous Store is about to kick in the high gear, baby.
We're talking about a fun time, mix of stand-up comedy, play a little AYG with
the crowd.
Great way to introduce new people to the show.
So grab your best gal, grab your best guy, grab the bozos, grab the homies.
Come on out and see the gang.
Oh yeah, we're going to be in Red Bank, New Jersey, Seattle, Portland, Kansas
City, Springfield, St. Louis, Nashville.
But then we're going to Indianapolis and also this Friday, the week you're
hearing this, June 17th,
we're doing an AYG and Friends show in New York City, stand-up showcase, ticket
links are in the description.
Get them, we'll see you there. Peace!
Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage?
The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals
or absolute trash.
Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast.
This is Are You Garbage?
It's a little show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find out if
they're good to be classy.
Yeah.
Or if they're just a big old piece of trash.
I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day.
We're down here at Aunt Toody's basement.
Uh-huh.
She got picked up last night.
Yeah.
Grand theft auto.
Yikes.
Stole a city bus.
What are you going to do?
So, we'll see her in about six weeks, pending on good behavior.
Uh-huh.
My co-host is coming at you from right next to me.
He is the CEO of Are You Garbage?
A bit of an international businessman himself.
He's the prince of Park Avenue, but always the king of the boardwalk.
Give it up for Kippy, Kevin James Ryan.
Hey, gang.
Thanks for tuning in.
As always, please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes.
Full video available on YouTube.
As you know, those numbers are.
True to real.
Cookin'.
Then the greatest website of all time.
www.patreon.com slash RUGarbage.
Check it the fuck out.
Love that money.
Mm-hmm.
And have a nice quick shout out to our producer extraordinaire, the magic man,
makes us all
look good.
Give it up for T-Bone McMuffin, Toby McMullen, ladies and gentlemen.
What's up, dudes?
We got a hot one, dude.
It's a historic day.
It's our first fuckin' race car driver, dog.
Let's go.
This is big.
Fuckin' Dale Jr. in here.
Look at him.
Old Smokey.
I like it.
Gang, we couldn't be more excited, and I mean could not be more excited to have
our incredibly, and I mean fuckin' incredibly special guests here with us today
for the
first time.
He is a behemoth, a monster, stand-up comedian, podcaster, and now author, and
let's not forget
multi-millionaire.
I'll tell you that right now.
Kid's got a little bit of fuckin' quiche on him.
He has multiple stand-up specials out, including Thrilled, White Girls with
Cornrows, Completely
Normal, Mostly Stories, Disgraceful, and 2020's Ball Hog.
Of course, he is the co-host of Your Mom's House, Two Bears, One Cave, and of
course,
he is the owner-operator of YMH Studios down here in Austin, Texas.
Let's cut the bullshit.
He's one of the biggest, one of the fuckin' baddest.
He's the boss of bosses, the capo de capo, el jefe de jefe's.
Ladies and gentlemen, do me a favor.
Give it up for Tom Segura.
Hey!
Look at him!
Thank you, man.
Thank you guys very much.
Thank you very much.
It's quite an introduction.
I know.
Well-deserved, my friend.
He loves the intros.
That's a nice intro, man.
That's how we do it.
He's good at him.
It feels good.
How we fuckin' do it.
Thanks for coming, buddy.
Thank you for coming.
I'm very excited to be here, man.
Give us a scoop.
What's the best?
He said that kind of like a psychopath.
No, no.
I am.
I am.
I'm excited.
Fuckin' Anton Chigurr sitting over.
Jesus Christ.
Straight in the head with a cattle thing.
I am.
A thing of peanuts.
This is fun, dude.
I like hanging out with comics.
It's always the most fun hanging out with comics.
Oh, it's the best, isn't it?
Yeah, it's the best.
What's the backstory on Tom Chigurr?
Give us the origin.
Where'd you grow up?
Give us the whole deets.
Okay, there's a lot of moving parts.
First of all, you know, my dad was a white American dude, and he married a Peruvian
woman.
Okay.
So he went down there, was like, I like this shit, and took it back.
Yeah.
Old school.
Old school.
Hey, wrap this one up.
Colonialism type shit.
Yeah, yeah.
Get this kid off.
I'll wear this one out.
Get her off that fuckin' donkey and bring her over here.
So he...
Put down the pineapple.
You're coming with me.
She spoke, like, no English, dude.
That's crazy.
I'm like, huh?
Like, what the fuck, man?
All in first sight?
Like, I mean, he saw those fuckin' pettas, and he was like, I am in.
So he, yeah, so let's see.
I was born in Cincinnati.
Okay.
I lived there for the first nine years in a suburb of Cincinnati called Fairfield.
What'd your dad do?
So he was working for a company called Byron Jackson, which sold, like,
Pipes, I think, that, like...
Sounds like an old baseball player.
Yeah.
Hell of a relief pitcher, that Byron Jackson.
He then quit that job...
Okay.
...to start at, like, entry-level Merrill Lynch broker.
All right.
But, like, in that, that was 19, like, 76 or 5.
Damn.
And it was, like, you make 18 grand a year.
It's like, you know, you gotta really hustle.
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
But he worked, he stayed with them for 40 years.
So he...
Company man.
...moved on up, and he went from brokerage to management, and that's why we
moved a lot.
So I moved from when I was nine, we moved to a suburb of Minneapolis called Plymouth.
Okay.
Because he became the sales manager of that office.
Okay.
Three years later...
Two years later, we moved to Milwaukee, became the manager of the Milwaukee
branch.
Okay.
Then we stayed there from, uh, let's see, we moved there when I was 11.
We left, and I was halfway through my freshman year in high school.
My dad would not let me, we would not move the family until football season was
over.
He's like, you cannot quit on the team.
That's what I'm fucking talking about.
I'm a fucking freshman in high school, dude.
So, like, he was like, this is like a war now.
Yeah.
Like, you will not abandon the fucking troops.
Get out there and do your workouts.
Shut up.
We went one and nine.
Anyway.
They don't need three.
Yeah.
The season ended, and then he allowed the family to move.
This is freshman football, by the way?
Freshman football.
Jesus Christ.
He's like, you can't quit on the fucking team.
He's a man of honor.
Yeah.
So, we moved to Vero Beach, Florida from there.
Okay.
And that's what, halfway through my freshman year in high school, and then they
stayed there.
I finished high school there, and then, um...
You were the new kid rolling in.
Yeah, and that was the shittiest move.
Oh, that had to suck.
Because that's midway through freshman year in high school, you feel like you're
established.
Everything is like your social stuff.
Oh, okay, squad and everything.
And you got to start over again.
That one sucked the most.
Everybody thought you were a narc, probably.
Not kidding.
Also, this fucking face is kind of police-like.
Sure.
Like, his dad was an FBI agent.
I got it in the fucking...
You're bald.
You got a full beard in freshman year.
I did.
I had a beard, and everyone later told me.
They're like, when you would say, like, where are the party?
Everyone would be like, there's no party.
Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about, sir.
You're walking around in a sport coat?
Yeah.
They're like, we thought you were, like, 23, and I was 14.
I mean, I did.
I had facial hair.
I was a pretty big kid.
Sure.
So they were like, there's no way this kid's freshman in high school.
Also, you don't really have a back story.
You were constantly moving.
Like, where'd you come from?
I was in, you know, Minneapolis.
My mom's Peruvian.
Sure, blue eyes.
Sure, whitest guy here.
Yeah, for sure.
So then I went to, I don't know.
I went to college in North Carolina, a small school called Lenore Ryan.
Really small school.
It was the only school I got into.
Play sports?
No.
Okay.
I graduated from there.
What'd you major in?
Communications.
It's like, I just don't want to major.
You want that little checkmark in?
All right.
I managed the radio station for a year.
There you go.
That's pretty good.
What'd you get on your SATs, if you don't mind me asking?
A 1030.
Solid.
Solid.
Four digits is all right.
Yeah, that's all right.
It's all right.
For our crowd, that's pretty good.
Then, by the way, that was like no trying.
Sure.
So I was like, I got to try.
So I did the study and everything.
I went back and I got like a 960.
I was like, all right.
Take your 1030.
That's like taking STD tests twice.
Yeah, I know.
You get the answer you want and you get out of there.
I was like, fuck.
What the fuck?
So I left.
So I graduate.
Look, in real estate, my buddy is renting apartments in Boston.
It is a fucking racket.
I did not know that this is how it works.
So in Boston, what happens is at the time, there's 61 colleges and universities.
So there's a constant housing need that never ends.
Right?
There's the students and also just, you know, it's a major city.
So all the apartments, you know, list their places.
They call a real estate office and they go, you know, here's what's available.
You as a realtor, as long as you pass the test, you take me to show me the
place.
And then every single place had the same rule.
You play first month, first last, and then equivalent to one month to the realtor
office.
And then I get half of that with the office.
So I'm out of, I'm just out of college and I don't know anything about Boston.
So everyone who's like, what's this neighborhood like?
I'd be like, I love it.
Yeah.
It's totally not racist.
I swear.
It's South Carolina.
And they said you could have been coming.
You can't, they would tell you things like.
You like Robin Banks.
You can't say, um, uh, this is a safe neighborhood.
You have to say, I feel safe here.
Yeah.
Whoa.
They're like, it's 12 o'clock on a Tuesday.
Yeah.
Like I feel safe.
Come back at two in the morning on a Friday.
See how safe you feel.
But it was the, here's the thing.
How did, how was it?
Boston though?
Your buddy.
So my buddy, his family was from there and they had this, this real estate
connection.
Damn.
So he brings me up and I hang out and like, I'm there seven, eight weeks and I'm
making like
thousands of dollars a week.
Right out of college.
That's crazy.
But I'm like, I can, I could just feel that I don't want to do this.
Like, even though I know I'll make six figures immediately doing this.
I'm like, I don't want to do this.
I don't want to be a realtor.
I just don't.
So I leave there and I go work for America's most wanted in, uh, I have heard
this.
Yes.
In a DC.
What?
Tracking down cases.
What are you doing?
Yes.
No, you're not.
Well, I'm the, I'm the research.
I'm one of the lead research people.
So what happens is.
Did you meet John Walsh?
Yeah.
That's how I got the job.
Yeah.
I'm up at a bar all the time.
Holy shit.
Yeah.
I ran into John Walsh.
Uh, when I was in college, his daughter was taking a tour of the school I was
at.
And I went up to him and I was like, I'm from the same area and all this.
And he was like, you got, you know, I was like, I do communications.
He was like, if you want an internship, call this number.
Damn.
And so I called and I got the internship and that was while I was in college.
When I graduated, they were like, you can come work now for the actual show.
I was working for a side show called Final Justice.
Sweep, sweep.
Sweep, sweep.
I was producing episodes of that show.
Just shoplifters.
Jesus.
I was producing the show in college and for free.
So they were like, this kid hustles.
So when I go back, they're like, they basically, they need stories to pursue.
So I'm like, look, this guy, he fucking raped a bunch of people.
He's on the run.
I'm like, let's go get him.
You're making shit up.
Yeah.
I'm just like, and I'm reading, dude, I'm reading like the most disturbing.
Just