Name: PATREON! Hard Feelings: Kicked out of AirBnb (Are You Garbage)
Uploaded: 2022-11-22T19:00:29.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'PATREON! Hard Feelings: Kicked out of AirBnb (Are You Garbage)' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-11-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'PATREON! Hard Feelings: Kicked out of AirBnb (Are You Garbage)' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-11-22. Transcript available.

PATREON! Hard Feelings: Kicked out of AirBnb (Are You Garbage)

Are you garbage?
So, as you know, as you might have seen on the Instagram post,
we talked about how we got a very nice Airbnb in the Hollywood Hills.
Bottom of the hills.
It was like the second house on the hill.
But it was technically still the hills.
I had my own bedroom, my own bathroom.
Acting lessons, singing lessons, dancing lessons.
And Tommy's never had that before in his life.
I know. He didn't even grow up with a bathroom.
Nope.
Fucking outhouse Cassidy.
Never had my own bathroom.
So, there was very strict rules.
And obviously, after this, there's a hard feeling.
This is like a special installment.
The actual hard feelings is coming out after this,
live from that Airbnb that we recorded poolside at that Airbnb.
So, the order's a little wonky.
But when you watch that, just imagine a gun pointed at the back of all of our
heads.
Yes, exactly.
We didn't know we were in the crosshairs at the moment.
They had us dead to rights.
I knew.
I knew the heat was coming down.
It was only a matter of time before the LAPD caught up with me.
Oh, man.
So, very strict rules, house rules, that we didn't pick up on when we booked it,
whatever.
As we were pulling up there, we were reading the rules, and they were very,
very strict.
No smoking on the property, absolutely no gas, shoes off in the household,
which I think all the Airbnbs out here, it's no gas, shoes off, no smoking.
This town stinks for Airbnbs.
It's wonky, for sure, of course.
Thank you.
We'll see you guys next week.
Good night and good luck.
So, very strict no smoking policy on the property.
And this guy goes, I have cameras, the whole nine yards, bop-a-da-bop-bop-bop.
I go, okay.
So, we started going out to the street to smoke cigarettes.
Let me paint a little picture here.
We're talking L.A. fucking slimeball.
Yeah, this guy was a little greasy.
This is what he did to pay his taxes.
It was probably his parents' house.
He had fish face from the fucking cheap plastic surgery he had.
Real vain.
Like, he looked like he should be in, like, fucking Selling Sunset or something.
Said something real inappropriate to Cassidy.
Yeah.
Is your smear campaign done yet?
Possibly.
I thought he was a great guy, personally.
Yeah, really cool.
Super reasonable.
Good, sharp dresser.
Possibly a communist.
It can't be confirmed, nor denied.
So, we, these rules, very strict.
We all roll over the rules.
We all go, okay.
So, we're obviously.
And we got a weird vibe from the guy when we first met him.
Like, fuck.
Yeah, sure.
So, we ask.
I ask if we can have a guest over to come record a podcast.
He says no right away.
This was the next day.
Our second day there.
Right.
Just so everybody knows.
We checked in on Monday.
We had a nice night.
Toby, when we checked in immediately.
Me and Toby were riding high when we got to LA.
And when we checked in.
Next time I saw Toby.
Toby's bubble burst.
He didn't like the guy.
Didn't like the guy at all.
Which I get.
You know, it's whatever.
But it's, you know.
It is what it is.
So, we go out.
Go to dinner.
We go to dinner.
Get all boozed up.
All boozed up.
Wait, when was that?
What did we do the first night?
Where did we go to dinner?
We had the show at the improv first night.
Oh, yeah.
Show at the improv first night.
Sold out.
Thanks for coming.
Wild, hot fucking show.
It's been a hot week for fucking.
For the AYG team is out here doing it.
The shows have been unbelievable.
Everything else has been shambles.
I've got about 15 parking tickets on the Denali out there.
They've been getting me all over goddamn town.
We had a nice breakfast this morning.
Quiet breakfast, I imagine.
Very true.
Very.
I forgot about that even in setting that original story up.
I forgot about the punchline.
So.
All right.
He's real strict on the rules.
Not letting any guests over.
Being very unreasonable.
Do the show Monday night.
Do the show Monday night.
Go out.
Get boozed up.
Hanging out with our boys.
Jermata, Josh out of Myers.
Shout out.
Go to Norm's.
You know.
Have some din din at like 2, 3 a.m.
Get back about 2 a.m.
We all go inside.
And Foley wants to.
This is where the details get hazy, folks.
We're not 100% sure about all this.
So.
Whatever.
We all go.
We come back drunk and go to bed.
Wake up the next day.
Good day.
Out by the pool.
Me and you were doing.
We take a huge walk.
We go to breakfast.
Huge walk.
I mean, it was up the hill.
It was about a 7 minute walk.
I'm not even joking.
15 both ways.
14?
That's how your brain works.
Either way, a magical day in the villa.
Oh my God.
We're out there.
We're fighting.
We've got our whole week ahead of us at this place.
At this point.
Our whole lives, Tommy.
I can't be stopped.
Man, it all came crashing down.
We were flexing on the gram like bozos.
T-Bone's editing videos on the fly.
We're doing face throws to old girlfriends and shit.
You dumb bitch.
What you could have had?
Hi, is Tammy there?
Whore!
Me and the big man on the way walk back from the fucking breakfast.
We grab some mimosa.
We grab some champagne and orange juice from mimosa.
We're out by the pool.
Having a fucking day.
It's our first day off after the fucking shows and traveling.
Loving it.
However, at that breakfast that morning, we were worried about this guy and we
were going
to have Santino come and record at the house.
Record at the house.
That was the plan to do the Santino episode.
But he was very no guests.
Very no guests.
I think we might.
Did we go over this on some on the episode that's coming out after this?
A little bit.
But let's get it all in.
Kevin.
Hey, I'm trying to build a case here.
I know.
I'm trying to mount a defense.
God damn, I'll tie my hands behind my back.
I'm trying to shoot your legs out from under you.
So Kevin calls him a cocksucker.
I hit him up.
I hit him up.
I said, hey, can I have a friend come over for lunch?
Because we were recording at 11 o'clock.
Cousin, he said.
Cousin, I said.
And he goes, call me right away.
No, like, sure, I understand.
I go, I understand the rules are strict, but just give me a call.
Or I just said, I wanted to see if my friend could come over at 11 for lunch.
He just responds, call me.
I call him, goes, you didn't read the rules.
I go, listen, you fucking jerk off.
I read the rules.
That's why I acknowledged the rules in the message I sent you.
You know what I mean?
So I go, I don't want to make it a fucking thing.
Get out of here or whatever.
Day goes on.
We get all boozed up by the pool.
We go out to a nice din-din.
Shout out to Timmy Dillon for the recommendation.
Lascala, right?
Home run down there.
Lascala in Beverly Hills.
Delicious.
Old school Italian joint.
Delicious.
Five-star joint.
Kibbe got the chicken parm.
Oh, it was great.
Best chicken parm ever.
He did have the chicken parm.
Yeah, like he's at his corner deli.
No.
Chicken parm with a chocolate milk.
Well, I don't put it on the menu.
What do you want from me?
That's crazy.
It's not like I asked for chicken fingers.
I didn't want sauce on my noodles.
Throw it up.
I did not.
You didn't.
You ate buttered noodles.
You ate buttered noodles and cheese when I knew you.
Yeah.
Try the linguine and clams.
So you're really a dirt bag.
Let's get this piece of shit.
Yeah.
What did you order?
You ordered the linguine and clams like my stepmom.
Oh, dude.
Delightful.
Tommy at a fucking restaurant, man.
He struck twice.
You know, what white wine do you recommend?
I said, give me your best Pinot Grigio.
What's wrong with that?
I'm out on the coast.
Give me half a glass.
I'm not sure how this check's going to shake out.
And then pour the cheap shit in there to top it off.
And then he goes back and forth to the guy.
Fucking linguine and clam sauce or mussels marinara or whatever.
Sitting there eating fucking linguine and clams like he's on a fucking casino
bus.
Great meal.
I got a voucher.
Get out of here.
So we then go out.
I got a clam coupon.
Tommy brought his own clams.
Just give me the linguine.
They're de-shelled.
Just sprinkling them in.
Just give me the linguine and the can opener, will you?
So we go out to dinner.
Great dinner.
Get boozed up at dinner.
We go meet our pal Josh Potter over there at the comedy store for a nice
fucking hang.
Great hang.
Out there on the patio.
Ripping hella Bernie's on the patio.
Ripping Bernie's.
Hanging out.
Everybody was cool as shit.
Great night.
Having fun.
I would say the quote of the trip was Josh Adam Meyers going, hey man, what's y'all
heater budget?
That's pretty high.
So we're sitting there and at this point I had anxiety about the Airbnb guy
with trying to get Santino in there because he was so strict.
But once we decided we were going to record in another studio, I go, I'm
fucking, my mind is free.
I got no worries about this guy.
We're not breaking any rules.
We're not having guests over.
We're not smoking on the property.
We're going out to the street.
Easy peasy.
There's a weight off of my shoulders.
That's what we call in the business a false sense of security.
Yes.
So we're sitting there.
He wasn't getting the intel from the battlefield that he should have been
getting.
We're sitting there.
It's 10, 15 p.m.
And I get an Airbnb message from the host.
Just a reminder, smoking isn't allowed.
Thanks.
Now I got a couple in me.
This guy's been breaking our balls a little bit.
So I go, I'm bulletproof at this point.
I am proper bulletproof.
We haven't broken a rule.
This guy can suck my fucking dick.
I go, I wasn't go, hey, understand.
I just said, we haven't smoked on the property.
Full stop.
That's it.
Enter.
He goes, Kevin, enter.
It's on camera.
Enter.
It's a non-smoking street because of Runyon Canyon.
Enter.
That's at 10, 25 p.m.
At 10, 29 p.m.
What, he had it written like a fucking haiku?
No, it was just like Kevin.
The way I read it, Kevin, it's on camera.
It's a non, you know.
Oh, he's burst texting?
Yes, he's real cunty fucking, it's not a paragraph.
It's like, dude, the fact you address me as Kevin, I should have known that
pussy had my card at that time.
It's like a printing press.
I was about to get fucking bamboozled.
Now, at any point, right, at this point, have you thought about asking your untrained
chimp if he was up to any trouble?
I should have, but I did not.
Okay.
This whole time, though, you know, why, at this point, I feel I shouldn't have
to ask because I am reading, we're at the table.
We're going over the text.
And what should I say?
What should I respond?
Am I the untrained chimp?
Correct.
Okay.
He goes, Kevin, it's on camera.
It's a non-smoking street because of Running Canyon.
I go, I didn't know I couldn't smoke on the street.
At this point, I'm now jumping back to the rules.
I'm reading it like a lawyer.
You know what I mean?
I go, the rules state no smoking in the house or the property.
So to respect the said rules, we went to the street.
I apologize.
It won't happen again.
At this point, I'm being Johnny fucking good guy going, I'll go fucking six
blocks away to catch a heater if I have to, whatever, just get out of my hair.
Three minutes goes by.
That's like 12 heaters.
Yeah, we were cranking them at that point.
I was drinking 24-ounce PBRs, too, straight from the can.
And then the picture that you've probably seen shows up.
T-Bone, we'll have to display that.
Which could be anybody.
A shirtless H Foley with, I would say, about two, three, four, five back fat
rolls.
Which, that's a $1,000 back fat roll over there.
I don't know if the cig's lit or it's post-lit, but he's got you reaching into
your pocket for the lighter or you're putting it back.
Or I was scratching me balls.
His neck is also like this, too.
Yeah, it's like very...
The angle he pulled is fantastic.
You couldn't have made it better.
Nuh-uh.
You just tried to blast him for looking like a piece of shit with your ass
crack out.
Chicken sandwich.
Fix it in post.
Make it bigger.
Give me a couple of lady lumps back there.
It's a method actor, huh?
Huh.
So, it just sends me that pic.
That's no comment.
No, like, well, then what is this?
He just fucking hit me