Name: Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast: Gas Station Pizza w/ Paul Virzi
Uploaded: 2023-01-15T23:58:23.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast: Gas Station Pizza w/ Paul Virzi' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-01-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast: Gas Station Pizza w/ Paul Virzi' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-01-15. Transcript available.

Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast: Gas Station Pizza w/ Paul Virzi

Beep, beep, beep, low ticket alert, gang.
Get your tickets to the Gramercy Theater
and come out and see the boys February 3rd.
Yeah, gang, it's our third show we added.
The Army of Garbage came out strong, sold out the first two.
We added a third. Let's sell this last one out.
We love yous. Let's do it.
Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage?
The show where you find out if your favorite comedians
are classy individuals or absolute trash.
Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back
to everybody's favorite new podcast.
This is Are You Garbage?
Hell yeah.
It's a little show we sit down with your favorite comedians
and we find it after the group to be classy
or after just a big old piece of trash.
I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day.
We're down here at Antutti's basement.
She's upstairs shredding documents.
Okay.
Tax season.
End of the year, baby.
What are you going to do?
My co-host is coming at you
from right next to me.
He is the CEO of Are You Garbage?
He is an international businessman.
He's the Prince of Park Avenue.
But always, no matter what time of the year,
king of the boardwalk, baby.
Give it up for KJ, Kevin James Ryan.
What up, gang?
Thanks for tuning in.
As always, please make sure you rate,
view, subscribe on iTunes.
Full video available on YouTube,
as you know those numbers are.
True to the roof.
Cookin' over there.
And obviously, the greatest website of all time,
www.patreon.com.
Are you garbage?
Check it out.
We're about to announce our tour in like a week or two.
Check it out.
Get ready for them live shows, baby.
Yeah, we're coming, gang.
And how about a nice quick shout out
to our producer extraordinaire,
the magic man,
makes us all look good,
works the ones,
works the twos,
crosses the T's,
dots the I's,
give it up for T-Bone McScruffins.
It's Toby McMullen, everybody.
How about that?
Hey, what up, dude?
What's up, pal?
Hey, we got a Hall of Fame guest in here, bro.
If there was a draft where you could pick your uncle,
this guy's going first round every time.
Shout out to Uncle Paul, baby.
Clean as a whistle, this kid.
Heflon Don.
You could cut steak on that beard line.
Look at him.
Comes in sharp.
Gang, the long-haired lion,
we couldn't be more excited
to have our incredibly special guest
back with us again today.
He's family at this point.
You know him.
You love him.
Has an amazing special on Netflix right now.
Kicked off a brand new tour right now.
You got to go see him.
Ladies and gentlemen,
give it up for the cleanest guy in town,
Paul Verzi, everybody.
Let's go, Paulie.
Paulie.
Come on.
My favorite podcast in the world.
My favorite podcast in the world.
This is number three for me, too.
There you go.
No, I think it's more than that.
Where is this three?
You call him Paul a liar?
I'm sorry, Mr. Verzi.
I apologize.
I think this might be four.
I'm going to get both of us whacked.
He's here as many times as he says he wants.
I mean, this guy's correcting compliments.
I'm like...
You know what?
Go fuck yourself there.
How about that?
Drove down from the house.
Drove down from the house.
Car as clean as a whistle.
Dude, just bought one.
What?
I saw him poking around a dealership.
I just bought one a week ago.
What'd you get?
Toyota Corolla, right?
I picture you as a Hyundai man, Verzi.
It's a new Elantra, but it's the new line.
The new Kia.
It's the new Kia.
With the new emblem on it.
You know, I was going to go electric, and then I decided with everything going
on with
the electrics and how long they were taking, and they're not ready.
It's not ready yet.
It's not there yet.
It's not there yet.
So I decided to stay with Lexus.
There you go.
But here's the thing.
Company man.
Here's the thing, though.
You guys, you'll love this.
You'll fucking love this.
I kept telling him.
I go, listen, I need dark outside, and I need white inside.
It's crazy.
Who are you straightening out?
This poor bastard at the dealership?
Yeah.
Yeah.
He's like, Paul, I'm Paul.
He's like, I can't.
I go, I want white leather inside and dark out.
He goes, there's two in the country that has the white inside.
And he goes, one.
And I go.
Jeter owns one of them.
So he kept calling.
He's like, Paul, I can't do it.
I can't do it.
And I go, all right.
Well, then.
So I started to look where I could get it.
And I found this car, beautiful, like dark, dark gray, but sometimes looks
black.
And it's so light inside, dude.
It's like when you open the door, it's like heaven, dude.
It just pops, right?
It just pops.
The detail.
Dude, the attention to detail, Mr. Verzi, is through the roof.
And the wood is black.
Yeah, nobody has black wood.
Nobody gets onyx wood.
I mean, I got black fucking wood.
That's too funny.
All my friends joke.
Like, they were like, Verzi, yeah, Italians like white because they think it
reminds them of heaven.
And maybe, but dude, you open the door and the door is just, and it's, so I got
this, I got this Lexus.
It's white inside.
It's dark gray outside.
All the trim on it.
It's gorgeous car.
You know, white kids, kids and wife really not allowed in it.
Really?
Like, I mean.
Yeah, definitely no food in there.
I mean, it got to the point where I was, I had to look at my son in the eyes
and go, candy's not happening here.
Like, cause they, you know, they get the wrappers, they get the candy.
Can't even have a cough drop in there.
I don't care how bad your bronchitis is.
We went to the mall and he goes, dad, can I get candy?
And I go, yeah, but you can't open it.
You got to keep it in the trunk.
Open it up when we get to the house.
Yeah, put that shit in my golf bag in the trunk.
I think it's weed or something.
Is the golf bag always in the trunk?
Well, not with the new car.
Now, the new car, I don't want anything in it.
So, there's literally nothing in my car.
He's nuts.
The first time I got in the Lexus was way back in the day.
We were doing something, Levit, somewhere.
We were bananas or somewhere together.
Yeah.
And he goes, oh, we're going to go, let's go smoke a stick.
I get in the car.
He's like, nice car.
I get in.
We sit down.
He goes, nice car.
I go, yeah, it's a nice car.
He wants the confirmation once you're in it.
Nice car, right?
You like the car, right?
Yeah, you like the car.
Is there a rag in there?
Do you keep a rag?
Like something just to do a little whatever?
No, but I got a $2,900.
I bought a $2,900, like seven details by the dealership.
Oh, nice.
So, I could take it to Lexus like seven times and it comes out like showroom.
That's awesome.
You know, it costs a few grand.
Sure.
It's worth it.
But they actually recycle the air in the car.
Like they, there's a whole thing.
Real?
Yeah, yeah.
Osmosis or some shit.
Yeah, they do some like, they like, it's like brand new.
Like they seal it up, new air.
So, I was like, yeah.
There is nothing better than getting the car a fresh watch.
You want to laugh.
Italians like anything.
Yeah, I'll take that new air you got.
You got, I want the good air.
Don't be giving me the air.
I need the lifetime vacuum.
It's the same air they put in Celine Dion's car right there.
I'd say get it from Vegas.
Believe that shit?
Smell it.
Smell it.
Smell the chips.
Did a liberal own this car?
That's great, dude.
I want something that hasn't even been through San Francisco.
All right?
Do you have the, do you have the remote start?
Yeah.
Do you, in the wintertime, do you preheat before you go out?
Well, I got, I got it on the app too.
So the, it's, it's an app now.
So what I do is, Lexus has an app on my iPhone.
So I could lock the doors.
I could start, I could get the temperature how I want it.
The whole thing.
I think I need to get a radio station I want.
Like I just walk into exactly how I need it.
Yeah.
That's like an Uber.
Is it an Uber black?
Do you park in the garage at the house or you keep it on, you keep it in the
driveway?
No, I keep it in the driveway.
Keep it in the driveway.
I keep it in the driveway.
We have a two car, but we're trying to decide if we're going to turn that into
something.
We don't really use the, you know.
Okay.
And my wife's with Lexus too.
So we kind of.
He says it like they signed a contract.
She's with them.
We got three more kids.
I don't know what the, we're with them.
I don't know what the sponsor.
I don't know what the agency is.
But I tell the guy, I'm like, look, we're staying with you.
You got to do the right thing.
My dad did the same thing with Jeep for a long time.
They loved that shit.
The loyal customer base.
Oh yeah.
That was still with bad air, I'm sure.
Just saying.
Just saying.
Dude, I had a buddy.
I had a buddy named Nick, right?
His dad was this over-the-top Italian kid.
Big time.
Big guy.
They were with Chevy for 30 years.
With them.
They were with Chevy for 30 years, right?
So he goes there, right?
It's upstate New York.
And he just, the guy comes out with, it was like a new sales guy.
And they give him.
They don't like that.
They give him the number.
And he said his day, he just sits back and he goes.
He goes, come here for a second.
He goes, I've been coming here for 25 fucking years.
He goes, go get the fucking, you go back in that office and you come out with
numbers
that make sense or I'm fucking.
Hey, give me the 25 year numbers.
I don't want these numbers.
Screaming.
Screaming the whole thing.
And the guy came out and goes, oh no, it's him.
Listen, like, we don't even want the headache.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just give it to him and call us.
Just give this guy, this guy's been coming for 30 years, give him what he wants
and get
the fuck out of here.
That's what I'm going to, that's what I'm trying to get to with Lexus.
I respect that.
Trying to get that with Lexus when they see Paulie walk in the door.
He's like, listen, he's going to stay with us, but we just got to do the right
thing.
He's going to complain about the wood tone and everything, but we got to get
him.
Yeah.
Three white cows are getting shot on the spot.
Right there.
Have it ready for you in a couple of weeks, Paul.
I touched the letter.
When was he killed?
Two days?
What is this?
I want something in the face so his mother can't give him an open casket.
Oh, man.
We've been talking lately.
Yeah.
On the old Patreon there about what kind of readiness that we have in case
something popped
off.
We were thinking like apocalypse type shit.
Okay.
How ready do you think you would be if it popped off tomorrow at the crib?
Oh, you mean like if this was unexpected pop-off tomorrow.
Unexpected.
You had like a rumbling of a day or two.
Like, oh, this might happen.
But you're going, I don't know.
How ready would I be as far as like supplies?
Supplies.
Plan.
Plan.
Where are you going?
What are you doing?
You got a crew you can link up with.
All right.
Look, I got a thousand bullets.
Okay.
No, I do.
I have a thousand bullets.
I bought a box of a thousand.
I can throw them bitches quick.
I bought a box of a thousand.
Okay.
Okay.
I got a thousand rounds.
I got a thousand rounds.
No gun.
And it's a ten shoot.
It's a ten shot semi.
Okay.
Okay.
So I got a couple days to fight.
We got some knives.
My wife has a hatchet.
You know, I got something from a sponsor.
You know what I'm saying?
You're putting her on hatchet duty?
It's graceful.
Where's the chivalry?
Well, listen.
I shoot the kid in the head.
She fucking cleaned, you know.
She chops them up.
I got the wife on screwdriver detail.
I don't.
You know what?
Water wise.
Tough.
Like water.
Like we don't have the gallons lined up.
We're not one of those preppers.
Which we found out a lot of.
Like we asked the listeners.
Dude, they came in.
People are like, I got 50,000 rounds.
I got water for five months.
Stocked up on diesel fuel.
Yeah.
People are like, I got like 80 gallons of diesel cooking.
Oh, you guys got people that.
There's some people out in Wyoming that are fucking ready.
Are you on a well up there?
Yes.
You guys, you guys are well well.
That's probably, that'll stay good, right?
A well.
Yeah, plu