Name: Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast: Trashy Paparazzi w/ Kelsey Cook
Uploaded: 2023-03-02T01:07:49.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast: Trashy Paparazzi w/ Kelsey Cook' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-03-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast: Trashy Paparazzi w/ Kelsey Cook' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-03-02. Transcript available.

Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast: Trashy Paparazzi w/ Kelsey Cook

Gang, we got a sell-out alert on that Stay Trashy Tour.
Look out, we're adding shows, we're selling out shows, we're adding city.
Bring the squad, it's a good time, gang.
Mix of stand-up comedy, and of course, you play a little AYG with the crowd.
Come out and see us.
Yeah, the big man Antlion, starting in March, we're going to be in Baltimore,
Virginia Beach,
Richmond, Oklahoma City, Dallas, Texas, Houston, Texas.
All right.
Austin, Texas, sold out, second show out, and get those tickets.
Get those tickets.
Then in April, New Haven, Connecticut, Burlington, Vermont.
Then in May, we're going to Tampa, Florida.
That sold out, we added another one.
Let's go.
Then we're going to Dania Beach, Florida.
Then we're going to Raleigh, North Carolina.
Then in May, we added Louisville, Kentucky.
Get those tickets.
Then in June, we have Cleveland and Columbus.
Guys, tickets are moving.
Don't snooze on it.
Let's party.
We'll see you there.
See you there.
Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage?
The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals
or absolute trash.
Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast.
This is Are You Garbage?
Oh, yeah.
It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find
that they're going to be classy.
Yeah.
Or just a big old piece of trash.
Trash, trash, trash.
I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day.
We're down here at Aunt Tootie's basement.
She keeps talking about this money she's got coming in.
Okay.
She doesn't know what she wants to do.
She wants to put some on the street.
She wants to get in the horse racing, the dog tracks.
She's not really sure.
Big meeting with her lawyer today.
Great.
He's in prison.
He's in prison.
Yeah.
I just been doing the fist pump through the glass.
So we'll see how it all shakes out.
Great.
My co-host is coming at you from right next to me.
He's the CEO of Are You Garbage?
He's an international businessman.
He's wearing an orange shirt for some reason.
Give it up for KJ, Kevin James Ryan.
You're wearing a purple shirt for some reason.
We're dressed like two idiots.
What's up, everybody?
Thanks for tuning in.
As always, please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes.
Full video available on YouTube.
As you know, those numbers are...
True to route.
Cook it.
And obviously, the greatest gosh darn website of all time, www.patreon.com,
baby.
Sign up over there.
Get, I think it's maybe 2.5 bajillion hours of content available over there on
Patreon.
So sign up, gang.
A lot going on.
Love that money.
Have a nice quick shout out to our producer.
Jesus.
Oh, man.
How about a nice quick shout out to our producer extraordinaire, the magic man.
Makes us all look good.
Works to ones, works to twos.
Crosses the T's and dots the I's.
Give it up for T-Bone McMuffin.
Toby McMullen, everybody.
What's up, dudes?
What's up, T-Bone?
Dude, great day.
Beautiful sunshine.
We got a great guest.
But let me tell you something.
You walk into a bar, you see some cash on one of the bar games, you walk away
if this
broad's on the stick.
For sure.
The Hustler, baby.
The Hustler.
In the flesh.
We got Paul Newman in here.
Dang, the long hair ain't lying.
Because we couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly, and I mean
incredibly special
guest, back with us again today.
She's family at this point.
Yep.
She's on tour right now.
You know her.
You love her.
She has a brand new special available over there on her website that you got to
check
out, entitled to Hustler, and it'll be on YouTube March 9th.
Do us a favor.
Give it up for Kelsey Cook, everybody.
Let's go.
Hi.
Let's go.
Oh, thanks for having me back.
There she is.
Thank you for coming.
This is great.
Oh my God.
Broad on the sticks is like maybe my favorite introduction ever.
That's the next tour.
Ever.
Broad on the sticks.
Broad on the sticks, yes.
That's pretty good.
Honestly, yeah.
I didn't even hear that.
Let's get the shirts.
Let's get the merch going.
I do love it.
I'm the broad on the sticks.
I'm the broad on the sticks.
Oh, that makes me feel so much cooler than I am.
I like that.
It is cool.
I really like that.
Wearing all leather, smoking, sunglasses at night.
Like the Black Widow.
Yeah.
By the way, real quick, how do I turn the headphones down a little bit?
I do that for you right here.
Oh, beautiful.
Thank you.
Coming in hot.
I've never seen your ankles before, Toby.
Ah, showing a little skin.
Yeah, I don't know if I like it.
That's a nice ankle.
That's a nice ankle.
It's a family program.
You put those away.
Also, change my shirt to green in post.
I'm a little self-conscious now.
Maybe black.
Just put me in a black tee.
I like it.
I like it.
Take it easy, pumpkin.
Buddy, congratulations on the special.
Thank you.
Very excited to tour.
You're killing it.
You're all over the place.
We love it.
Thank you for coming.
You said before we started, you got a little paparazzi stalking you.
Well, and I have to preface this.
It is not a me thing.
There should not be paparazzi for me under any circumstances.
Could you punch one of them?
I'm not guarding paparazzi.
What kind of legal action are you looking at?
You smash a camera?
That's what I would have done.
I would have went Baldwin on them.
I'm with my family.
I was at the Helium in Philly, and the club manager told me as we pulled up, he's
like,
just so you know, on Saturdays here at the club, there are a couple paparazzi
that show
up to get pictures of comics to try and sell the gutty images.
What does Philly paparazzi look like?
Philly paparazzi?
What's he do?
He's got a day job for sure.
That guy ain't living off Philly paparazzi.
That's a Chipotle during the day.
There's definitely a cold pizza sitting on that front seat that was supposed to
be delivered
an hour ago.
Also, we were there and nobody took pictures of us.
No paparazzi showed up.
See, and I just don't-
My mom was there.
I'm like, who is buying this?
It's like, the headline being like, comic clocks in.
Like, nobody cares.
Kelsey Cook, confused.
Doing the thing she does every weekend.
And so they took these pictures of me.
I was so startled.
I've never had this happen.
And I walked in-
Are they out there with the flashes and all that stuff?
Yes.
I mean, like, they really-
Kelsey, over here, over here, over here.
They, like, got in my face.
It was a whole ambush feeling.
And then I walked in, did the shows.
I looked online the next day.
And I have to-
I wonder if we can, like, pull it up for you guys to see.
Yeah, what is it?
Okay, so do Kelsey Cook-
Philly.
Philly, maybe.
Yeah, Kelsey Cook.
And see what comes up.
Kelsey Cook spits on photographer.
If you do-
Or, like, comedian Kelsey Cook in Philly or something.
Or, I think the title was, like, Celebrity Science.
Wait, it made a website?
It's on Getty Images.
But you guys have to see the-
I used to steal those for college.
I always wanted one of those Getty Images.
Okay, so you have to see the photos.
Click on the link.
Jesus.
Comedian Kelsey Cook.
Now, scroll to the bottom.
Uh-huh.
It's not a horrible picture.
No, that one's not bad.
But you have to see-
Oh, they got you a lot.
Click on that.
What the hell?
Wow.
Look at how dirty they did me.
That's Midwest-
They took a picture just of your shoes.
What's up with that?
That's Midwestern mom running out to smoke a cig and grab the mail.
That's those shoes.
These are the saddest-
Like, these are full janitor.
Comedian picks up kids.
It's very Kate Plus 8 meets janitor.
Wow.
That's not great.
It's really bad.
And, look-
Let me see the other ones.
I got one ankle showing.
Yeah, that's not great.
You got bags, though.
Where are the bags from?
Anywhere fancy?
You do look kind of famous in this.
But that just looked disheveled.
That's a McDonald's bag.
That's sweet green.
It's sweet green.
And you got an empty bottle of water in your purse.
That ain't-
All right.
I take it back.
But you are-
You're getting out of a black car.
A black Uber.
Well, it's just-
That was the comedy club manager.
It was the car driving by.
I'm telling you.
It was the busboy picking you up.
It's my mom's car.
I've got something for everything you say.
Don't get the plates, all right?
My coat is from Kohl's.
Oh, man.
These boots are from DSW.
They're so, so janky.
That's funny, though.
I went on Jim and Sam this morning, and they saw the picture, and they're like,
yeah, but
that's just what you wore to walk in.
And then, like, you put on, like, actual shoes for stage.
No, you wore that on stage.
I was like, no, that's what I wore on stage.
Here's the thing.
Jesus Christ.
You look very confused here.
You look like you're learning how to walk with a person.
Look at my shoe position.
My feet are-
I mean, dude.
The way they take the pictures, though, they're going to use these photos when
you murder somebody.
Yeah.
It's bad.
Because they have, like, you're not, like, smiling or whatever.
You're just doing your thing.
But, like, that one right there, that picture right there, if you murder
somebody-
That's what they're showing.
That's the photo they're going to use.
You'll look a little angry, a little dished, just like, you know-
A little, like, you're in my face.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
A little Britney.
Yeah.
Kelsey Cook kills again.
Brought on the sticks.
Caught in Philly.
Yeah.
So, anyway, that picture of the boots made me laugh so hard, and I figured you
guys-
That's great.
I kind of want-
That's why I put my orange shirt on.
I thought I was going to run into some paparazzos.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You got to get the image, though.
I mean, that's pretty sweet.
I always wanted one of those.
Yeah.
That's when you know you're making it.
Oh, thanks.
Again, it's for such silly reasons.
It's like just going to work.
Yeah, going to work for, like, a half-sold room or whatever on a Sunday night.
You know what I mean?
Like, yeah.
I'm like, you guys have to be lost.
I know.
This is not the person that is going to make you money.
No, he's paying $500 for the picture shoes.
That's the price, right?
I just saw that.
That's the price.
For the picture shoes.
For $499.
$499.
We should buy one and put it in the studio.
That's what Jim and Sam said.
They wanted to pick the shoe one.
That's great.
Just the shoe one.
That's all right.
They thought you were Jonah Hill coming in.
Man.
I get confused for him a lot, yeah.
We look a lot alike.
I can see it.
Yeah.
That's great.
Yeah.
Thank you.
That's good stuff.
But what else?
You said you had a few things.
You had a very...
We thought you were going to come in prim and proper, I believe, right?
Oh, boy.
He ended up being a real dirtbag.
Misread that.
Which we respect.
That's welcome to the party, baby.
That's what I'm saying.
Yeah.
But then you said you left and things came back to you that we missed, which I'm
always interested
to hear.
Now, were you hiding them at the time?
Or were you just...
They just didn't come...
They popped back into your psyche at some point.
Yeah.
They didn't come up.
And then it's one of those things where once it's brought to your attention how
garbage you
are...
It's everywhere.
It's everywhere.
You had the animals outside, I believe, right?
My mom would feed raccoons.
Yeah.
Raccoon lady.
Yeah.
Anybody needs the cliff notes.
Her mom fed raccoons.
Basically by hand.
Yeah.
We also, I think, covered that my grandma, who had started to not...
Oh, my great grandma had not had, like, all her wits about her toward the end
and was
feeding us, like, cat food.
Right.
Yeah.
She was feeding you cat food.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Did you eat one?
Well, I remember I, like, bit into one and I was like, this is not...
I would freak out, man.
I get a little bit of that on my finger when I'm feeding the cat.
I fucking lose it.
It's such an icky texture and just the smell.
Yeah.
Okay, so...
You should surround you with it.
That canned dog food.
Yeah, it's rough.
But dry dog food's not that bad.
Have you eaten it?
When I wa