Name: PATREON PREVIEW! Are You Garbage Bonus: The Perfect Park
Uploaded: 2023-04-08T16:02:22.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'PATREON PREVIEW! Are You Garbage Bonus: The Perfect Park' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'PATREON PREVIEW! Are You Garbage Bonus: The Perfect Park' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-08. Transcript available.

I got a question for you, fellas.
Fire away, T-Bone.
I have one before you start, Luke.
Can you get me a white claw?
We're drinking on this one, baby.
Okay.
My vacation starts in 52 minutes.
Can you ask Luke to get me a white claw as well?
Luke, can you get my associate a white claw as well?
Luke, can I also have a white claw, please?
Okay.
So, we've seen the best of the best, right?
No one does it.
We were saying yesterday, this is not an amusement park.
No.
No, this is a full-blown world experience.
It's a tight operation.
Okay.
Passion fruit.
If you had an unlimited budget, endless money,
to build your own amusement park, rollercoaster tycoon style,
what would your setup be?
Like theme?
It doesn't necessarily have to have a theme.
It could be, I mean, Six Flags doesn't have a theme.
That's just banging rides.
Welcome to smoking outside a building.
Welcome to cigs inside.
Okay.
You can rip Bernie's in a fake living room, in a fake kitchen.
Yeah, on a rollercoaster.
I don't care, dude.
So, at both Kippy and Foley World.
I want to go over to ripping smokes in bed.
So, at Kippy and Foley World, smoking is allowed, for sure.
No, I was, I was, that's what he would do.
At my part.
What are you, a fucking band leader all of a sudden?
No, no, no.
Get the fuck, you try to distance yourself so much.
Listen, that's what, you don't like that kind of stuff.
I would, you don't like ripping heaters?
The H. Foley story?
Okay.
Okay, guys, put it on record.
Foley don't like Bernie.
No, I love ripping heaters.
So, you like ripping heaters?
My new book.
I was just saying, you, like you said yesterday,
you're not into the fantasy shit.
So, let me get to, I wouldn't put.
So, I was saying that would be the one for you.
I wouldn't build a world.
I would, mine would be pure functionality.
How you can get as many rides in as possible.
No theme.
Grocery carts with all good wheels.
Yeah.
You'd have all this stuff, but it wouldn't be like the spectacle.
It would be running and gunning.
I want to go ride 15 roller coasters in two hours.
Hold on.
I think I could break down Kippy's four different parks.
The one would be a skate park for fat kids.
It's all two stairs.
It's all cruising in two stairs, baby.
Oh, this is great already.
Okay, go.
Fake moms come and pick you up right from the park.
Your dad forgets you.
True story.
That's the fast pass?
Oh, man.
Your dad forgets you?
Dude, when it got dark, it got scary.
I was on rollerblades, too.
Dude, I didn't even have shoes.
Left me in a townhouse community.
They'll hook you up to the hitch on the van and fucking drive you home like a
lawnmower.
Yeah.
Pull up in a rental car.
I'll never forget that.
That would be one park.
I was like, dude, where did this come from?
It was a rental car.
Never mentioned anything about it.
Yeah, pull up in like a Dodge Stratus or something.
I'm like, what the fuck?
Dude, I remember.
He just said, get in.
I'm sorry.
When you were a kid, I mean, the only time we ever had a rental car would be if
something
happened to the car and it was like a couple of days.
When you would get a rental car as a kid, like in your regular life, you'd be
like, what
the fuck is this shit?
We unfortunately went through them a lot due to lease payments and stuff like
that.
That's wild.
So he would end up.
That's your home base.
We would end up in rentals for, he would keep them for like months and they
would call.
They were like, hey, we need the, you know, we, there was this one blue Dodge
Neon that
we had for a summer, dude, neon blue Dodge Neon.
And we had it for, I would take it down.
I would take it down.
The chores.
They were loaning it out.
Oh man.
We were cranking med heaters in there, dude.
I'll never forget.
We had to get rebar for a job.
We were working.
We were pouring concrete, like a concrete slab.
In a neon?
No.
So we had to go to the Home Depot and I don't know where the truck, I don't
know.
That's all we had at the moment.
So it was me.
Probably on a tow truck somewhere.
It was from what you're telling me.
It was, it was me, my dad, my brother, and this guy that worked for us, Pete.
You guys are pulling up to the job site on 10 speeds.
These were the lean years.
Shout out to him.
Yeah, lean on the house, lean on the car.
L-E-I-N-S.
That's really good.
That's a quick piece of business.
That's good.
That's an ABC hour-long drama narrated by fucking the guy from Home Alone.
Yeah.
Obviously with.
The lean years.
With people who own construction companies, there's ebbs and flows of success.
There's the years where you're eating and the years where you ain't.
And this was one of the years where we weren't.
And dude, we had to buy like 10 foot lengths of rebar.
Like a lot of it to pour concrete.
You know, you put like the rebar in there.
How you got in the fucking neon?
We didn't.
We all drove with one hand out the window.
Those are heavy as shit.
Dude, I was literally doing, I remember doing this.
I was behind.
I was behind the passenger.
Oh, dude.
I have, dude.
And like, you couldn't say, if you had to be the one to be like, pull over, you
were fucking fired, dude.
You were fired from being a son, too.
You were disowned.
So you have that.
The next park would be the grocery store experience where you bag groceries and
work in produce.
And I was never pro.
I was a photo man.
Come on.
One hour photo.
Then you would, the next park would be Ruthless Businessman.
I cut the bottom 10% of every ride.
I was sitting in Kippy's apartment on a 10-year-old laptop and trying to figure
out how to take over.
Oh, no.
I was thinking.
Chugging IPA.
You walk into the park and everyone says, everyone's real respectful.
Very good to see you, sir.
It's like the CEO experience.
Oh, that's fun.
They're constantly having you sign in documents where you're getting the better
on someone.
You forgot to initial lose 10 points.
Yo, can you imagine a bunch of little kids running around Disney World in black
t-shirts, jeans, and a pair of fucking uptowns?
Okay, my part.
You're not trying to look like Kippy.
Get your face painted like Kippy.
It pulls your hairline back.
They put on a bald cap.
Five o'clock shadow.
Kids walking around with the five o'clock shadow makeup.
They only serve Makers Manhattans.
Yeah, Makers Manhattans.
And there's Chicken Finger Land.
Lazy River or Barbecue Sauce.
Lazy River or Wild Cherry Pepsi.
Hop in the floats or look like Chicken Fingers.
Yeah.
Hop in the Lazy River.
Take a slurper, though.
Oh, that's good.
That's good.
Yeah.
My park would be like an all-inclusive, right?
First of all...
A hedonism?
You can't get in...
The ripping and the tearing, baby.
Did you ever see that video?
I saw it recently.
Yeah.
And I never knew what it was for.
People tag me in it all the time.
All-inclusive.
So you play a flat fee, right?
So once you get inside the park, everything's included.
You just grab them.
That tastes like perfume.
That ain't good.
Drinks are included.
Smells like I ain't at a christening.
And you gotta be over 30 to get in.
25 if you're a lady.
As long as you show valid ID.
What'd you say, 25?
You're a lady.
Yeah.
What for the fellas?
30 and up.
No kids.
Sure.
Each dude has to bring three chicks with them.
Sorry, your ratio's bad, man.
Don't you know any girls, dude?
Trying to roll in, D.
Hey, it's only me and 14 buddies.
It's a bachelor party.
Yeah, right.
And there's a...
It'll be expensive.
Because there's a...
Don't you know any girls, man?
Don't you know any girls, man?
A sister or something?
We don't care if you bang them.
You just gotta bring them, dude.
Man.
There's a cap every day.
Maybe only 1,000 people are allowed in.
Oh, I'm not going.
So that there's no lines.
Okay.
You know, my whole thing is that it's the chillest theme park experience
available.
There's only 1,000 people.
What are you gonna charge?
$8 million?
Disney will crush you.
Better not do it in Orlando.
Also, where's yours gonna be, dude?
Oh, yeah, that's why.
Where's it gonna be?
You kids wanna go to Disney World or you wanna go to Toby's?
That's just what you call it, Toby's?
I hate going to Toby's.
That place smells weird, dude.
He never cleans up the kitty litter, man.
What's with all these socks everywhere?
Yeah.
No.
Mine would be outside Philly.
For sure.
For sure.
Outside Philly.
And I would want some sort of Epcot-esque bar extravaganza type thing.
Like the best bar.
Everything I like in a bar.
It would have Big Buck on her.
It would have beer pot.
It would be like all that kind of shit.
Cheese, steak, egg rolls.
Oh, yeah.
For sure.
Oh, last night, I didn't mention it to anybody, but when we got to China or
whatever, I ordered
those Chinese beers.
Yeah, they were good.
Those potstickers were good, too.
Yeah, but I spilled my beer all in my basket of potstickers, so they were just
floating like
ice cubes in there, dude.
I was just pulling them out of beer and eating them.
Dude, like actual, like a fry tray, you know, like the little fry paper basket.
The red and white ones.
Yeah.
The little paper ones.
And it was filled with my fucking Chinese beer, dude, and I was just pulling
them out
and they were soaked.
That's funny.
They were good, though.
Also, those beers, we didn't mention, the beers in Japan, remember those little
bangers
I got?
Oh, the mini beers.
I got the mini beers.
I was telling you the other day, we ate at this hot pot place, and I saw Sam
Tallon
post about it, too, when he was in Japan, that, I keep saying it wrong, acai or
asaha,
super dry lager.
It's fucking banging.
This was called color water or watercolor or something.
It was real good.
I highly recommend it if you're in that part of Japan and Epcot.
I've never been more thirsty in my life than walking around Epcot watching you
guys skull
drinks, dude.
I thought I was getting so bloated, I thought I was going to vomit everywhere.
Fucking the frozen drinks.
You know what the really good one was?
So we hit-
The France was, to me, the best.
That Grand Maurier orange crust joint.
So we did Epcot last night, in case you missed it yesterday.
We did Epcot last night, and we drank at every single spot, and we just kept
moving.
Fucking crushed it, moved, crushed it.
We did that in like an hour.
Probably two, maybe.
We stopped, we got, you know, picked around at some food and stuff.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But, um, my favorite was the, uh, uh, the fucking chocolate one.
That thing was fucking crazy good.
Oh, the coffee.
Forgot about that.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, I forgot that even existed.
That was normal.
And I remember when the light went off in my-
That was like Kahlua, Bailey's, and ice cream.
I'm like, you goddamn Vikings weren't eating this shit.
And chocolate, sprinkles, and syrup.
Yeah.
They were dainty, those Vikings.
They liked a nice garnish, from what I understand.
That was-
It should have been the mead and the women of your enemies.
Now get over here and let me kiss you.
Strawberry milk?
What are you, fucking kidding me?
Go get the fucking elk's blood.
Let's go.
What are we talking about?
That was a little off.
That was a little off.
They need to revisit Norway a little bit.
Yeah.
Uh.
They got to go back to the droll.
Actually, talk to someone from Norway, maybe.
Don't just guess on what they drink.
Pull up an encyclopedia or something.
A frappuccino with booze in it.
Turkey, they hand you a Mountain Dew.
Yeah, the one place, the English one, everything had Sprite in it.
I don't know if they're doing that over there.
I know those snake bites have Sprite in them.
No, they don't.
Snake bites cider in Guinness.
But there's something with Sprite.
There's beer in Sprite.
No, I think a snake bite is lager.
I don't think it's-
I think it's a light beer and-
It's cider in something.
It's cider in a beer.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
But they do something with Sprite, too, where there's Sprite and shit.
Yeah, maybe.
I don't know.
I think it's beer and Sprite.
I could be wrong.
The Germans do that.
A Rattler.
It's lemonade and beer.
It's so good, dude.
Don't a summer day.
Shout out to the Linen Kugel Summer Shandy.
Similar.
Similar, similar vibes.
I got the citrus fillets to it.
Who?
Did you say the Landshark?
Linen Kugel.
Shout out to Landcheedles, by the way.
A Landcheedle?
Ooh.
I don't mind that shark attack.
I don't mind getting bit by one of them.
You know what I mean, Daddy?
Getting on the news either way.
The six-pack and them attack you.
I'm all ears.
Don Cheadle got into the booze game?
That's what we used to call them.
What?
Landcheedle.
We used to call it Landsharks.
Landsharks we called Landcheedles.
Then that adopted it.
Go, let's get a sixer at Don Cheadle's.
Don Cheadle's.

PATREON PREVIEW! Are You Garbage Bonus: The Perfect Park

I got a question for you, fellas.
Fire away, T-Bone.
I have one before you start, Luke.
Can you get me a white claw?
We're drinking on this one, baby.
Okay.
My vacation starts in 52 minutes.
Can you ask Luke to get me a white claw as well?
Luke, can you get my associate a white claw as well?
Luke, can I also have a white claw, please?
Okay.
So, we've seen the best of the best, right?
No one does it.
We were saying yesterday, this is not an amusement park.
No.
No, this is a full-blown world experience.
It's a tight operation.
Okay.
Passion fruit.
If you had an unlimited budget, endless money,
to build your own amusement park, rollercoaster tycoon style,
what would your setup be?
Like theme?
It doesn't necessarily have to have a theme.
It could be, I mean, Six Flags doesn't have a theme.
That's just banging rides.
Welcome to smoking outside a building.
Welcome to cigs inside.
Okay.
You can rip Bernie's in a fake living room, in a fake kitchen.
Yeah, on a rollercoaster.
I don't care, dude.
So, at both Kippy and Foley World.
I want to go over to ripping smokes in bed.
So, at Kippy and Foley World, smoking is allowed, for sure.
No, I was, I was, that's what he would do.
At my part.
What are you, a fucking band leader all of a sudden?
No, no, no.
Get the fuck, you try to distance yourself so much.
Listen, that's what, you don't like that kind of stuff.
I would, you don't like ripping heaters?
The H. Foley story?
Okay.
Okay, guys, put it on record.
Foley don't like Bernie.
No, I love ripping heaters.
So, you like ripping heaters?
My new book.
I was just saying, you, like you said yesterday,
you're not into the fantasy shit.
So, let me get to, I wouldn't put.
So, I was saying that would be the one for you.
I wouldn't build a world.
I would, mine would be pure functionality.
How you can get as many rides in as possible.
No theme.
Grocery carts with all good wheels.
Yeah.
You'd have all this stuff, but it wouldn't be like the spectacle.
It would be running and gunning.
I want to go ride 15 roller coasters in two hours.
Hold on.
I think I could break down Kippy's four different parks.
The one would be a skate park for fat kids.
It's all two stairs.
It's all cruising in two stairs, baby.
Oh, this is great already.
Okay, go.
Fake moms come and pick you up right from the park.
Your dad forgets you.
True story.
That's the fast pass?
Oh, man.
Your dad forgets you?
Dude, when it got dark, it got scary.
I was on rollerblades, too.
Dude, I didn't even have shoes.
Left me in a townhouse community.
They'll hook you up to the hitch on the van and fucking drive you home like a
lawnmower.
Yeah.
Pull up in a rental car.
I'll never forget that.
That would be one park.
I was like, dude, where did this come from?
It was a rental car.
Never mentioned anything about it.
Yeah, pull up in like a Dodge Stratus or something.
I'm like, what the fuck?
Dude, I remember.
He just said, get in.
I'm sorry.
When you were a kid, I mean, the only time we ever had a rental car would be if
something
happened to the car and it was like a couple of days.
When you would get a rental car as a kid, like in your regular life, you'd be
like, what
the fuck is this shit?
We unfortunately went through them a lot due to lease payments and stuff like
that.
That's wild.
So he would end up.
That's your home base.
We would end up in rentals for, he would keep them for like months and they
would call.
They were like, hey, we need the, you know, we, there was this one blue Dodge
Neon that
we had for a summer, dude, neon blue Dodge Neon.
And we had it for, I would take it down.
I would take it down.
The chores.
They were loaning it out.
Oh man.
We were cranking med heaters in there, dude.
I'll never forget.
We had to get rebar for a job.
We were working.
We were pouring concrete, like a concrete slab.
In a neon?
No.
So we had to go to the Home Depot and I don't know where the truck, I don't
know.
That's all we had at the moment.
So it was me.
Probably on a tow truck somewhere.
It was from what you're telling me.
It was, it was me, my dad, my brother, and this guy that worked for us, Pete.
You guys are pulling up to the job site on 10 speeds.
These were the lean years.
Shout out to him.
Yeah, lean on the house, lean on the car.
L-E-I-N-S.
That's really good.
That's a quick piece of business.
That's good.
That's an ABC hour-long drama narrated by fucking the guy from Home Alone.
Yeah.
Obviously with.
The lean years.
With people who own construction companies, there's ebbs and flows of success.
There's the years where you're eating and the years where you ain't.
And this was one of the years where we weren't.
And dude, we had to buy like 10 foot lengths of rebar.
Like a lot of it to pour concrete.
You know, you put like the rebar in there.
How you got in the fucking neon?
We didn't.
We all drove with one hand out the window.
Those are heavy as shit.
Dude, I was literally doing, I remember doing this.
I was behind.
I was behind the passenger.
Oh, dude.
I have, dude.
And like, you couldn't say, if you had to be the one to be like, pull over, you
were fucking fired, dude.
You were fired from being a son, too.
You were disowned.
So you have that.
The next park would be the grocery store experience where you bag groceries and
work in produce.
And I was never pro.
I was a photo man.
Come on.
One hour photo.
Then you would, the next park would be Ruthless Businessman.
I cut the bottom 10% of every ride.
I was sitting in Kippy's apartment on a 10-year-old laptop and trying to figure
out how to take over.
Oh, no.
I was thinking.
Chugging IPA.
You walk into the park and everyone says, everyone's real respectful.
Very good to see you, sir.
It's like the CEO experience.
Oh, that's fun.
They're constantly having you sign in documents where you're getting the better
on someone.
You forgot to initial lose 10 points.
Yo, can you imagine a bunch of little kids running around Disney World in black
t-shirts, jeans, and a pair of fucking uptowns?
Okay, my part.
You're not trying to look like Kippy.
Get your face painted like Kippy.
It pulls your hairline back.
They put on a bald cap.
Five o'clock shadow.
Kids walking around with the five o'clock shadow makeup.
They only serve Makers Manhattans.
Yeah, Makers Manhattans.
And there's Chicken Finger Land.
Lazy River or Barbecue Sauce.
Lazy River or Wild Cherry Pepsi.
Hop in the floats or look like Chicken Fingers.
Yeah.
Hop in the Lazy River.
Take a slurper, though.
Oh, that's good.
That's good.
Yeah.
My park would be like an all-inclusive, right?
First of all...
A hedonism?
You can't get in...
The ripping and the tearing, baby.
Did you ever see that video?
I saw it recently.
Yeah.
And I never knew what it was for.
People tag me in it all the time.
All-inclusive.
So you play a flat fee, right?
So once you get inside the park, everything's included.
You just grab them.
That tastes like perfume.
That ain't good.
Drinks are included.
Smells like I ain't at a christening.
And you gotta be over 30 to get in.
25 if you're a lady.
As long as you show valid ID.
What'd you say, 25?
You're a lady.
Yeah.
What for the fellas?
30 and up.
No kids.
Sure.
Each dude has to bring three chicks with them.
Sorry, your ratio's bad, man.
Don't you know any girls, dude?
Trying to roll in, D.
Hey, it's only me and 14 buddies.
It's a bachelor party.
Yeah, right.
And there's a...
It'll be expensive.
Because there's a...
Don't you know any girls, man?
Don't you know any girls, man?
A sister or something?
We don't care if you bang them.
You just gotta bring them, dude.
Man.
There's a cap every day.
Maybe only 1,000 people are allowed in.
Oh, I'm not going.
So that there's no lines.
Okay.
You know, my whole thing is that it's the chillest theme park experience
available.
There's only 1,000 people.
What are you gonna charge?
$8 million?
Disney will crush you.
Better not do it in Orlando.
Also, where's yours gonna be, dude?
Oh, yeah, that's why.
Where's it gonna be?
You kids wanna go to Disney World or you wanna go to Toby's?
That's just what you call it, Toby's?
I hate going to Toby's.
That place smells weird, dude.
He never cleans up the kitty litter, man.
What's with all these socks everywhere?
Yeah.
No.
Mine would be outside Philly.
For sure.
For sure.
Outside Philly.
And I would want some sort of Epcot-esque bar extravaganza type thing.
Like the best bar.
Everything I like in a bar.
It would have Big Buck on her.
It would have beer pot.
It would be like all that kind of shit.
Cheese, steak, egg rolls.
Oh, yeah.
For sure.
Oh, last night, I didn't mention it to anybody, but when we got to China or
whatever, I ordered
those Chinese beers.
Yeah, they were good.
Those potstickers were good, too.
Yeah, but I spilled my beer all in my basket of potstickers, so they were just
floating like
ice cubes in there, dude.
I was just pulling them out of beer and eating them.
Dude, like actual, like a fry tray, you know, like the little fry paper basket.
The red and white ones.
Yeah.
The little paper ones.
And it was filled with my fucking Chinese beer, dude, and I was just pulling
them out
and they were soaked.
That's funny.
They were good, though.
Also, those beers, we didn't mention, the beers in Japan, remember those little
bangers
I got?
Oh, the mini beers.
I got the mini beers.
I was telling you the other day, we ate at this hot pot place, and I saw Sam
Tallon
post about it, too, when he was in Japan, that, I keep saying it wrong, acai or
asaha,
super dry lager.
It's fucking banging.
This was called color water or watercolor or something.
It was real good.
I highly recommend it if you're in that part of Japan and Epcot.
I've never been more thirsty in my life than walking around Epcot watching you
guys skull
drinks, dude.
I thought I was getting so bloated, I thought I was going to vomit everywhere.
Fucking the frozen drinks.
You know what the really good one was?
So we hit-
The France was, to me, the best.
That Grand Maurier orange crust joint.
So we did Epcot last night, in case you missed it yesterday.
We did Epcot last night, and we drank at every single spot, and we just kept
moving.
Fucking crushed it, moved, crushed it.
We did that in like an hour.
Probably two, maybe.
We stopped, we got, you know, picked around at some food and stuff.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But, um, my favorite was the, uh, uh, the fucking chocolate one.
That thing was fucking crazy good.
Oh, the coffee.
Forgot about that.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, I forgot that even existed.
That was normal.
And I remember when the light went off in my-
That was like Kahlua, Bailey's, and ice cream.
I'm like, you goddamn Vikings weren't eating this shit.
And chocolate, sprinkles, and syrup.
Yeah.
They were dainty, those Vikings.
They liked a nice garnish, from what I understand.
That was-
It should have been the mead and the women of your enemies.
Now get over here and let me kiss you.
Strawberry milk?
What are you, fucking kidding me?
Go get the fucking elk's blood.
Let's go.
What are we talking about?
That was a little off.
That was a little off.
They need to revisit Norway a little bit.
Yeah.
Uh.
They got to go back to the droll.
Actually, talk to someone from Norway, maybe.
Don't just guess on what they drink.
Pull up an encyclopedia or something.
A frappuccino with booze in it.
Turkey, they hand you a Mountain Dew.
Yeah, the one place, the English one, everything had Sprite in it.
I don't know if they're doing that over there.
I know those snake bites have Sprite in them.
No, they don't.
Snake bites cider in Guinness.
But there's something with Sprite.
There's beer in Sprite.
No, I think a snake bite is lager.
I don't think it's-
I think it's a light beer and-
It's cider in something.
It's cider in a beer.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
But they do something with Sprite, too, where there's Sprite and shit.
Yeah, maybe.
I don't know.
I think it's beer and Sprite.
I could be wrong.
The Germans do that.
A Rattler.
It's lemonade and beer.
It's so good, dude.
Don't a summer day.
Shout out to the Linen Kugel Summer Sh