Name: Shane Gillis Returns: Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast
Uploaded: 2023-04-09T22:47:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Shane Gillis Returns: Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Shane Gillis Returns: Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-09. Transcript available.

Shane Gillis Returns: Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast

Hold the pickles, gang. A little tour update. Vermont and Connecticut. We added
second shows
in both of those cities. Come out and see the boys. Yeah, get the tickets
before they're sold
out. We got Connecticut, Vermont, and then we're going down to Florida, baby.
Tampa,
second show added. Limited tickets left on that. Then we're in Dania Beach,
Florida. We're going
to Raleigh, North Carolina, Louisville, Kentucky, Cleveland, Ohio, Columbus,
Ohio. More cities
coming soon. Get those dickies, gang. Let's party. Welcome to another exciting
edition of
R.U. Garbage, the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy
individuals
or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's new favorite podcast.
This is
R.U. Garbage. It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians,
and we find
that if they're good to be classy or if they're just a big old piece of trash.
I'm your host,
H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tootie's in
the new
edition, baby, living high on the hog. Having a good time? You ain't lying,
baby. She's down
at the VFW trying to land herself a man with some bennies, as she says. Okay.
My co-host
is coming at me from right next, coming at me, coming at you from right next to
me. He
is the CEO of R.U. Garbage. He is an international businessman. Let me tell you
something right
now. I don't care who knows it. He's my best goddamn pal in the whole wide
world, and I
love him. Give it up for KJ, Kevin James Ryan. What up, gang? Thanks for tuning
in. As
always, please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes. Full video
available on YouTube,
As you know, those numbers are cooking.
He hates this, dude.
What the fuck are you guys doing?
When do we get to you, dickhead?
I got a monologue.
Then obviously the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com.
Check it the fuck out, gang.
It's a party over there.
Yeah, and having a nice quick shout out to our producer, Extraordinaire, the
magic man,
makes us all look good.
Works the ones, works the twos, the threes and the fours, crosses the t's and
dots the i's.
Now you can get a little peek at them, ladies.
Give it up for T-Bone McScruff and Stubby McMullen.
What up, dudes?
What up, T-Bone?
Yo, listen.
There are dudes, and then there are all-time dudes.
Yeah.
And the guy we got in here is a fucking all-time dude, man.
Gang, the long hair ain't fucking lying.
We got some real talent in the fucking building right now.
Are you guys doing this on purpose?
No.
This is what we do.
Not a fan of the program, huh, Shane?
Gang, I don't know what to say about this young man.
You can see him just about fucking everywhere.
He is a fucking force of nature.
Of course, he is the co-host of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast, and you can
see him just about
everywhere else.
If you're trying to get tickets for his show, good fucking luck, because the
kid sells out.
Yeah.
Give it up for Shane Gillis.
Hey.
Hey.
Look at you.
All right, man.
Oh, man, he just got hit with a two-by-four.
He don't know what happened.
That was wild.
Fucking hand-worn shorts and a Phillies hat.
This kid's all right.
No one can make you feel like a bigger dork than Shane Gillis.
Then just a cold stare over your shoulder.
I can feel the wedgie creeping up my ass.
No, you guys, that's great.
You guys are good at that.
I can't do that.
That's why I make fun of it.
Sure.
You know when you suck at something, and you're like, man, it sucks.
That's fucking gay.
Fucking dorks.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
How do you feel about guys that dance at weddings?
I don't know if I hate anyone more.
Dudes that seriously dance?
Disgusting.
Do you wish you could dance, though?
No, I'm fucking nice.
Will you dance at a wedding?
Oh, yeah.
You will?
Sober?
You got to have a couple in you.
It's got to be at the end.
Yeah.
And I wake up and go, did I fucking dance like a fucking lady?
It's a girl thing.
There's got to be enough people on the floor to blend in.
Yeah.
Be honest.
Do you know any dances?
Could you do the Macarena?
I mean, I could do, yeah, I think.
Can you do the electric slide?
Yeah, I could do the Macarena.
A little hip wiggle, man.
The hips again.
Oh, man.
That's about it.
Your dad just sitting in the corner staring at you.
Just pissed, dude.
Fuck.
Fucking Shane.
Sissy.
Bad enough he ordered the fish.
Have you ever seen your dad dance?
Uh, yeah.
Fast dance or slow dance?
He doesn't move too much.
It's more like...
It's a white guy dance.
It's arms.
I don't know if he asked this.
You ever see your pop tune anybody up?
Uh, no.
I've never seen him fight.
Never?
No.
You ever seen him get...
I've seen him try to fight, yeah.
Yeah?
A lot.
I saw him.
He got in a fight at a high school game.
Sure.
Yeah.
Yours?
Him and...
Yeah.
Uh, football game.
In the stands.
I saw him and my other...
My friend, Jamal's dad, got into a fight.
With each other?
In Shamokin.
No.
They teamed up.
They joined forces?
They joined forces to fight.
Fucking lethal weapon style.
Coleridge and trashed.
Yeah.
Yeah, it was full lethal weapon, dude.
Yeah.
I'm too old for this shit.
Yeah.
I imagine those games were pretty intense.
That's what Jamokin was.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Were you the only one in your class that got D1 offers?
Uh, no.
Jamal.
You probably had some hitters.
Yeah, he played quarterback.
He was nice.
Really?
Yeah, he went to Millersville.
He ended up setting, like, every receiving record.
No shit.
Yeah.
It's pretty funny.
Yeah, that's all right.
Yeah.
That's good stuff.
Yeah.
Shout out to him.
Shout out Jamal Smith.
Yeah.
You know him.
You love him.
All right, listen.
It's been a while since you've been here.
Thank you for coming and sitting down with us.
And sincerely, buddy, you know how much we love you.
I love you.
Congratulations.
Everything that you're doing, it's unbelievable.
I wish we'd go back to the World Series, dude.
That was, we were just briefly talking about it.
Some of the, that was the wildest week.
That was so fun.
That was fucking insane.
I think we ended up in a VIP area with Freddie Mitchell.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
And Freddie goes, who's paying for this?
I go, what are you talking about?
He's like, I want you guys to know, I got that bucket of beers for you guys.
It's free.
It's free.
How much pain for this?
Why are you doing that?
He was with the people.
The color guard.
He was with the color guard, too?
Yeah, he had, like, ROTC people dancing on him.
A couple Coast Guard chicks fucking hanging out with him.
Thick.
Yeah, it was awesome, man.
Freddie was going for the one.
That was nice.
It was a good time.
I don't know if he's married enough.
Hopefully he's going out.
It's being respectable.
He was, yeah, he wasn't going out.
There was no twerking involved.
No.
That was also one of my favorite things.
You turn to Foley and go, I'll give you a hundred bucks if you get on the
mechanical bull.
Dude, I would have given you so much, dude.
Why didn't you do it?
What are you, a hundred bucks?
True.
True.
I don't think I had insurance at the time.
I'd blow my knee out at fucking Comcast Live or whatever.
I'm fucking jammed up.
What are you, a girl dude?
Dude, he can't even get, imagine him trying to walk on that balloon to get to
the thing.
I saw LaMare do it once in Nashville.
LaMare Lee, and he fucking fell.
He tried to jump, so the guy had to help him to get up.
Oh, man, yeah.
Fuck that.
The guy who was running it was on the other side of the bull, and he tried to
pull him up over it.
He did it.
He pulled him too hard.
LaMare went over and just smashed him.
Just landed right on him.
Yeah, fuck that shit.
It was wonderful.
O'Connor did it that night.
O'Connor loves the mechanical bull.
And didn't break eye contact with us the whole time.
He's got the hip moves, man.
Yeah, he loves that.
Fucking dirty dancing over there.
Yeah, he loves getting on it.
He was getting into it.
I've seen him get on so many mechanical bulls.
He's going to get one for the yard.
I saw him at Mohegan Sun Comics.
That's a big one.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's like the lobby of the-
It was right after I got fired from SNL, and everyone was like, you're going to
be fine,
dude.
You're watching O'Connor on a mechanical bull.
There was like 20 people in a casino in Connecticut.
I bombed, and then got drunk and watched O'Connor and Beezer on a fucking
mechanical bull.
That is a rough weekend.
Fuck, dude.
I think Eddie Murphy was on that night.
I was like, God damn it.
Could have been at the after party with Zoe Deschanel.
Oh, awesome.
Yeah.
Dude, that sucks.
With O'Connor.
He's shimmying on the fucking-
He's good at it.
I'm just sitting there like, oh, fuck.
Yeah.
He is unironically good at riding a mechanical bull.
They try to toss him, and he just like fucking gyrates with it.
Jesus.
Anyway, congrats.
Thanks.
You're fucking killing it.
But we haven't had you on in a while.
It's been a fun.
So we want to do a little recap.
You know, obviously, things are a little bit different.
I want to do a little recap on you here.
All right.
A couple of things.
Who's cutting your hair now?
Tommy.
What are you-
That's Amish shit, dude.
Get the fuck out.
Tommy, I go downstairs.
You are fucking-
You are meat and potatoes, man.
Yep.
Do you tip him?
No.
Nothing.
No.
Just say, come down, give me a trimmer.
Yeah, I say I need an haircut.
He's tough to get a hold of.
Even though he's downstairs.
He's pulled downstairs.
He's doing nothing.
I'm like, dude, help.
Because I have nowhere to go in my neighborhood.
Right.
I tried it once.
Yeah.
I got a fucking Dominican buzz.
That's been a thing for me.
I live in a Dominican neighborhood, and they tape you up.
You look like the world's worst undercover cop.
It's crazy.
They oiled my hair.
When I got done, the guy oiled it straight down.
It was the day before I filmed that special.
And I had a weird panic attack.
I was like, I need a haircut.
He's walking out with a Caesar?
I didn't.
Yes.
I couldn't believe it.
I didn't need a haircut either.
I was just nervous.
I got one line in your eyebrow?
I was so nervous.
I was like, I should get a haircut.
I shaved my head and then flattened the front with oil.
I got done.
I was like, holy fuck.
Put a wave cap on you?
What have I done?
Dude, a bad haircut will fucking ruin your week.
I just rolled a dice in Virginia Beach.
I just needed one.
You're on the road and I got like, thank you.
And it was this like 88 year old woman just fucking handshaking with the
scissors.
Fucking scared the shit out of me.
Are you treating yourself at all?
I know you're an old school guy.
I know you got to take Ubers.
I don't take the train.
Grubhub.
Grubhub.
You should be taking a helicopter.
What are we talking about?
I take Uber pools after spots.
Thank God they did away with those.
Dude, I almost got beat up in one of those.
It was rough.
I didn't realize I was just hitting on this hot Dominican kid's girlfriend.
And he's turning around.
I was like, why don't you shut the fuck up, fat ex?
I was like, all right, I'll do that.
You're not getting a piece of my pizza, man.
48 more minutes.
That was an awkward ride back to the neighborhood.
What about like a nice dinner or something like that?
You and the boys on the road?
Yeah, sometimes.
Yeah?
Yeah.
What's that looking like?
A steakhouse or something?
Sometimes.
If there is, yeah.
And you pick up the bill, I presume.
Yes.
Where would you go growing up?
Where would your pop take you guys to a family dinner?
Would you go to Fridays?
Hosses?
Hosses?
There's no hosses?
No.
Is that a chain?
It's good, dude.
Jesus, dude.
Hosses?
It's like a...
Yeah, it's not great.
There's goats out back.
There's petting goats out back.
And there's a...
Does that have a Michelin star?
What are we talking about?
It's so bad.
When I was a kid, I thought it was the nicest shit.
Goats is a kid.
What more do you need?
Got a Ronnie Beard Award?
Ghost rules.
And then we would have...
There's mints on the way out.
We would all get handfuls and throw them 