Name: Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast: Private School Trash w/ Kippy & Foley
Uploaded: 2023-07-12T23:00:29.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast: Private School Trash w/ Kippy & Foley' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-07-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast: Private School Trash w/ Kippy & Foley' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-07-12. Transcript available.

Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast: Private School Trash w/ Kippy & Foley

Hey, Kippy, them tickets for the live show are flying off the shelves.
You ain't lying.
Gang, we just dropped a bunch of new cities, stand-up comedy,
plus we play a little AYG with the crowd.
It's a good, good time.
Yeah, gang, we're coming to Phoenix, Denver, Salt Lake City, Los Angeles,
San Diego, Washington, D.C., Pittsburgh, Buffalo, Toronto, Pontiac, Michigan.
Then we're going to Chicago, Illinois.
We're going to Minneapolis.
We're going to Madison, Milwaukee, Sacramento, San Francisco, San Jose.
And then the boys are coming back to Philly.
The chickens are coming home to Rose, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania,
in December.
Get those tickets.
We love yous.
Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage?
The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals
or absolute trash.
Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's new favorite podcast.
This is Are You Garbage?
Oh, yeah.
It's that little show we sit there with your favorite comedians,
and we find out if they grew up to be classy.
Yeah.
Or if they're just a big old piece of trash.
Trash, trash, trash.
I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day.
We're out back here with Tooties in the new edition.
She's out scalping a couple of Philly's tickets.
Okay.
Trying to get a little cash.
Uh-huh.
That's all I got this week.
My co-host is coming at you from across the table.
He is the CEO of Are You Garbage?
He is the king of the flatbreads, the king of the boards,
and the prince of the personal pan pizza.
Give it up for KJ.
Kevin James Ryan.
Shout out to him.
Have you had one today?
What?
A flatbread?
Yeah.
Now I had a green juice for breakfast.
You did?
Uh-huh.
Look at you.
Yeah.
Man.
Tightening it up.
There you go.
Shout out.
First of all, thanks for listening.
You got me all flustered.
I don't know what's going on.
Jesus.
Now I think you did have a flatbread.
To be quick.
I got barbecue flatbread on the brain.
Thanks for tuning in.
As always, please make sure you rate, review, subscribe on iTunes.
Full video available on YouTube.
As you know, those numbers are.
True to rip.
Over 150,000, baby.
And obviously, the greatest gosh darn website of all time.
From www.patreon.com slash RU Garbage.
You go over there.
Okay.
And you get about two, three billion, gajillion hours of bonus content.
Over there.
You get episodes.
You get videos.
You get road vlogs.
You get the Cribs videos.
Everything's on there.
There's a lot going on over there on that website, I'll tell you that.
More than you think.
And the second greatest website of all time would be RU Garbage.com.
Because we're about to drop the second leg of the tour.
Sure.
And you get all your tickies over there.
You got merch, too.
We got a bunch of t-shirts.
We got Zippo style lighters.
Sure.
So you can get your hands on.
And let me give you a heads up when it takes a do drop.
Some of those markets are going to go very quickly.
Yes.
Some.
Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
But yeah, we're announcing a shit ton of dates.
The 6,000 seat theater in Duluth might be a little tough to fill.
There'll be paper in that thing.
But it's going to be fun.
Make sure you check that out.
How about a nice quick shout out to our producer, Extraordinaire, the Magic Man.
Makes us all look good.
Works the ones, the twos, crosses the t's, and dots the i's.
He's wearing wet jeans right now.
Toby, wet ass.
Fucking mud butt over here.
Gave it up for T-Bone, McScruffins, Toby McMullen, everybody.
What up, dudes?
What up, dog?
My laundromat was like Penn Station today.
I've never seen more than one other person.
There were 95 people in there.
Dryers are all jammed up.
We got to get in here.
I got wet pants.
There's no worse feeling.
Man, there's no worse feeling.
As a kid, that would happen.
You'd get jammed up sometimes.
Like if I was doing my laundry or whatever, and I would forget to switch it,
and they'd be,
you know, going into school.
Did you do your laundry as a child?
Yeah, single mom.
You did?
Yeah, she wasn't doing it.
No kidding.
At a very early age.
I mean, you got to figure, my sister was probably 15, my brother's 13.
Would they help you out?
I'm eight.
Eight.
Yeah.
You're doing laundry at eight.
She hung up on poster board.
What are you, a breaker boy?
That's crazy.
You're doing your own laundry.
Your mom still does your laundry.
And she does it well.
Yeah.
And you scream at her when she fucking-
She better not.
She doesn't fold your undies.
Um, there was a, uh, she got like a piece of poster board and wrote like, this
is how
you do colors, whites, dry, this, that, that.
It was, I mean, it lived there.
It lived there until I was through college.
Jesus.
Yeah.
So it was like, you learn-
Your sister wouldn't do it for you?
What?
No.
Eight years old.
You weren't doing laundry at eight, were you?
No shot.
I can barely do it now.
I got damp pants on.
It's true.
Dude, damp pants will make you question every decision you've ever made in your
life.
I like it.
They're a little looser.
Plus it cools you off in the summertime.
Nah, your money gets wet and stuff because the pockets, the pockets are always
the last
thing to dry.
Ah, wet money's a tough look.
You try to hand it to a cashier for a pack of heaters, they're eyeballing you?
Ugh, nothing worse than a wet five.
Yikes.
Ice cream man looking at you funny.
Where were you with this?
Yeah, it's bad.
Jesus.
Christmas.
Yeah, and then I hated it.
And I felt like I would go to school with it and everybody would know.
You know what I mean?
I'm like, they all know I got wet pants.
I'd be checking the seat to make sure there wasn't like fucking, make sure I
wasn't leaving
a mark.
Kevin got his period.
Would you make your own lunch?
No.
We bought.
I mean, yeah.
It was a peanut butter sandwich and a Coke most days, probably a bag full of
Doritos
or sourdough nibblers I would do.
You did your own laundry.
Yeah, man.
It's crazy.
At eight, listen, 15, I understand.
I wouldn't do it, but I get it.
But at eight, that's a hard-nosed kid.
I wonder why you started smoking at seven.
Dude, my mom, you have to think about where she came.
She was one of nine in a two-bedroom.
They grew up in a shoe.
I get it.
They were fucking working.
Sure.
Her brothers were dropping out of school to fucking, to be like a tin knocker.
She was hanging drywall and all that.
Yeah, it's like, she's like, yeah, you fat little bastard.
I keep you flush with the fucking, with the peanut butter sandwiches and Ilya's
pizza.
You can do your own fucking laundry.
Man, would you do it?
Like, would you have a day where you did it?
No, no.
I didn't have a...
You do that and the bills?
No, I mean, she did, she did my laundry.
Got the shoe box with all the fucking, all the past tuna.
Man, dude, she had a blue, it was either Keds or Reebok,
but a blue box with just past two bills in there.
Sure.
Envelopes ripped open.
Patty had the accordion thing.
Oh, that...
She still does it every Sunday.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That thing was out.
You did not ask for, like, a new pair of shoes or, hey, can I get a new
skateboard or anything?
It was fucking...
Patty's checkbook, man.
Every single line is...
I still would, I would have no idea how to balance, how to figure out something
like that.
That's why you are not in charge of the bus.
Of course.
They tried to teach us, I think, in accounting or something like that,
but that was already, that was junior year or high school.
I didn't know what the hell was going on.
It's like, yeah, that put a movie on, will you?
Jesus, got a little 7-Up going in here.
You got to go to approach your checkbook like you're in the Hurt Locker.
You got a big old suit on.
There's four other guys standing around.
He's a psycho, dude.
This guy's nuts.
That thing's all jammed up.
Yeah, man.
No, I wouldn't...
She did my laundry, but if I needed something done, if I...
Oh, so she did do your laundry.
Yeah, I mean, I wasn't...
But not exclusively.
It wasn't like, Mom, I need my laundry done type thing.
Uh-huh.
If I needed something done...
What about, like, soccer uniforms?
I had Patty on a rotation.
Yeah.
Fresh gear.
And look where it got you.
She's still doing it.
I was a star athlete.
I needed a support system.
Star athlete?
For a minute.
You were a role player at best.
Utility guy?
Yeah, you came off the bench pretty well.
I'll give you that.
You gave him eight good minutes.
He's good for eight minutes.
A couple of fumbles.
I'll wait until you guys get up and get ahead about 50 points.
And I'll come in and wow them.
I'll really come in and stun them, huh?
Show them how it's done.
I was load manager.
What is it?
Load management?
What are you doing as far as laundry detergent?
Are you getting it there?
Using the powder, aren't you?
No.
Sugar-free Red Bull.
Woo!
My shirts came to play, dog.
I got the fastest closet in the game.
Drives in two seconds.
It's just in there vaping.
I always buy the little bangers they sell, like Gain or whatever.
That's good.
Yeah.
That's good.
So you did laundry this morning.
Oh, yeah.
High heat?
What are you rocking in the dryer?
Ice cold.
Really?
You go no heat?
That's why your shit's not dry, dude.
Shit.
No.
Oh, no, no, no.
I do no heat, too.
Oh, cold water, of course.
Yeah.
You can't do high.
You can't gamble on any shrinkage.
Sure, you found that out the hard way, fatty.
What?
Doing your own laundry.
Oh.
I'm a master of it.
Fucking washing your undies on hot.
No, I'm cold.
Dude, I'm cold.
It's like a Band-Aid down there.
I'm like a baker, dude.
I got that shit perfect.
I fucking pull it out of the dryer before it starts really tightening up.
Some of those fabrics, they fucking-
Before the buttons get hot.
Oh, man.
Man.
Fucking torching your little pube bone.
Man, button fly jeans really jam me up.
I thought I had herpes for a week.
It was just a second-degree burn.
Something was cooking down there.
You know what I saw the other day I wanted to ask you guys?
What's that?
A few of the households in our family had these, and I think it's probably-
Fleas?
The ultimate trash.
Like, you know how people had, like, the Pope and John F. Kennedy and Lou Holtz
or whatever?
Give the different pictures.
The ultimate trash.
Lou Holtz?
Yeah.
The guy from CSI?
Head coach of Notre Dame football.
National championship, 1988.
You have a picture of Lou Holtz in your house?
No.
Hmm.
All right.
Commie, but okay.
Fair enough.
Is the mix of different mob movie actors in one painting?
Oh, like the Final Supper or whatever.
Yes.
The Last Supper where Tony Soprano's there.
Tony Soprano, Al Pacino.
Walnuts.
Tom Sizemore, all sitting around playing cards.
Tom Sizemore's here.
Hey, he's the plug.
You know what I mean?
Shout out to Tom Sizemore, by the way.
Oh, come on.
Just watch Heat the other day.
God damn, is that good.
Yeah, no.
He, uh...
Those are very trashy.
And, like, it was so funny, because when I first wanted to decorate my dorm
room or my apartment,
that was, like, the coolest thing to me.
It was, like, get a Scarface poster.
Gets a picture of some hot broad, some T&A or something.
You know what I mean?
It was, like...
Carmen Electra.
I liked her.
She was a little early for me, I think.
It was, like, a little too early.
Who were you into?
I mean, obviously, Britney Spears was hot.
Did you have a Britney Spears poster on your wall?
Yeah.
You did?
We talked about this at my dad's house.
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
Man.
My mom wouldn't go for that, obviously.
Who was doing the laundry at your old man's?
My stepmom or me.
Yeah.
Okay.
Well, what age?
I guess we were in that house at probably 10.
Yeah, so my stepmom or me.
I would take clothes back and forth.
I was fucking...
I was riding the rails.
Man, looking back, that shit was depressing.
A little hobo bag?
Packing a bag for two nights.
Go over to your dad's house.
Eat fucking goldfish and drink wall-wall ice.
Steal a heater or two.
Keeping your money in a lunch meat bag?
Fucking keeping all my personal possessions under my ball sack.
No