Name: Ari Shaffir v. Garbage | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast
Uploaded: 2023-09-24T23:00:14.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ari Shaffir v. Garbage | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-09-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ari Shaffir v. Garbage | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-09-24. Transcript available.

Ari Shaffir v. Garbage | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast

Gang, we're about to kick off the second leg of that Stay Trashy Tour.
Oh, yeah.
Coming into the home stretch, so don't be left out in the cold.
Make sure you get your tickets.
Stand-up comedy, plus you play the LAYYG with the crowd.
Great way to introduce some people to the show,
so grab the squad, come out and see the boys.
Yeah, guys, we're going to be in Pittsburgh, Buffalo, Toronto.
We're just out of the third show in Toronto.
Get tickets for that because they're moving.
We got Pontiac, Michigan, Chicago, Illinois.
Fourth show being out of there.
Get those tickets.
Minneapolis, Madison, Milwaukee, Sacramento, Sacramento, San Francisco, San
Jose.
Then we're ending it in Philly, baby.
What a bang.
We added a second show with the Fillmore.
That's more than halfway sold out.
Get those tickets.
Let's party.
Go, birds.
Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage?
The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals
or absolute trash.
Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's new favorite podcast.
This is Are You Garbage?
It's that little show we sit there with your favorite comedians
and we find out if they grew up to be classy
or if they're just a big old piece of trash.
Trash, trash, trash.
I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day.
We're out back here at Tootie's in the new edition.
She is upstairs watching a little dog, the bounty hunter.
Okay.
Just relaxing, you know, doing her thing.
My co-host is coming at you from right next to me.
He's the flatbread freak giving up for KJ, Kevin Jane Dryan.
Oh, the abridged version.
Right at you.
I know.
Hey, what's up, everybody?
Thanks for tuning in.
I am nervous over here.
Can't see if you can pick up on that.
Shout out to that.
Make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes.
Full video available.
YouTube, as you know, those numbers are.
Shrewdorow cooking.
Then, obviously, the greatest website of all time,
www.patreon.com.
So, I show you, Garbage Gang, you sign up over there,
you get a bajillion hours worth of bonus content.
I'm talking heavy bike.
It's a good time, gang.
Check it out, and how about a nice quick shout out
to our producer extraordinaire, the old magic man.
Makes us all look good.
Works the ones, the twos, the threes, and the fours.
He crosses the T's and the lowercase J's.
Give it up for T-Bone McScruffins.
Toby McMullin, everybody.
What up, dudes?
What up, T-Bone?
What's up, kid?
No, man, we got the maestro of mayhem in here, dude.
What is he doing?
I don't know.
He's making sure that I bomb on my intro.
I'll tell you that much.
Gang, we couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly,
and I mean incredibly special guest back with us again today.
Gandalf the wizard.
He is the Jad's legend.
Looking more homeless than usual.
And he's on tour right now.
The Wrong Side of History tour.
Give it up for Mr. Ari Shafir.
Hey, Ari.
How are you, pal?
You're out, guys.
Thanks for asking.
Okay.
I don't know what's happening.
You guys, over the years, have talked a lot of bull crap about a lot of people.
Why are you half Muslim, half Asian?
You look like you just crawled out of a subway tunnel.
You look like prison went real sideways.
I can't quite get that.
But you've judged a lot of people over the years, and I feel like no one's ever
stuck it to you.
So what I'd like to do is ask you guys today.
It's the property of Ari Shafir Esquire, and there's one thing written on it.
I'd like to ask you guys some questions today, if you don't mind, because there's
some things I think me and the fans would all like to know.
Can I borrow a dollar?
Why can't I get this fucking button working?
Yeah, that'll pull it together.
That'll save the bit.
My autism is going to fucking not let me move on until I get this button done.
And what kind of outfit would you say that is, Ari?
And why are you shaking?
Let's go.
How much coffee did you have today?
I've been eating in a few days.
I'm trying to fit into this outfit.
I shopped in my closet.
There you go.
It looks beautiful.
Well, guys, a longstanding Western tradition is that of judgment.
Okay.
Today, I just have a question for you guys.
I'll go right ahead.
Want to do it?
Have you ever removed a barf bag from a plane?
Taking it with me?
Yeah, taking it off the plane ever in your lives.
Yeah, I have.
I don't think so.
Just for fun, just to have.
He doesn't have a pen after all this.
The pen is the hitch in the snow.
All right.
Stolen from what bank?
You have removed a barf bag from a plane?
I have.
Interesting.
To what end?
I don't know.
I just took it just to have it, just for fun.
Keep his toys in there.
Yeah.
Have you ever taken one?
Is that a crime?
I'll ask the questions today.
Man, I've said this every episode.
I love and hate you so much.
It's fantastic.
And I love and hate you guys, which leads me to ask a question.
Have you ever smoked cigarettes within six feet of an occupied stroller?
Yes.
Yeah.
Wow.
Yeah, we're trash.
Yeah, where do you think I keep the Bernies?
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
This is interesting.
Hey, what's the difference between effect and effect with an E or an A?
Do you know that?
Uh, yes.
An effect is the outcome.
Effect is the verb.
You are affected by something that causes an effect.
I concur with that.
Smart to concur, even if you know or don't know, that is top of the effect.
Okay.
I'm so nervous about this bag.
By the way, I'll be on Kent City, Indianapolis, St. Louis, and Louisville.
Special guests, Steve Renazzisi and Ryan O'Neal.
Reading fortunes.
Bring your own crystal ball, though.
Which I keep.
Do you keep food in your car?
I don't keep it in there, but there is currently food in my car that I left
there today.
There might be, like, a bag of pretzels or some chips or something in the
console.
Definitely some cough drops and gum.
That counts.
I'm going to count.
Maybe a pizza.
Definite pretzel.
Maybe a pizza.
Okay.
Have you seen every Fast and Furious?
None.
Wow.
None?
None.
And we asked that question.
That's one of our first.
One of the original questions of Are You Garbage was, how many have you seen in
the theater?
Because that, yeah, everybody's, you catch one or two, you know what I mean?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Flying through on USA or TBS or something.
Never.
I think I've seen three.
Three total in your life.
I think the first three.
I think at the Tokyo Drift, I, you know.
That's when I got into it.
That's when you got into it?
Who gets into it?
Yeah.
Hence the shirt.
I love Asian car culture.
I love Asian car culture.
Okay.
Okay.
That's a no.
Wow.
Surprising.
Okay.
I'll be in Tempe in Tucson in December.
Dates out.
Marishapur.com.
Selling turquoise jewelry.
Have you guys, speaking of that, have you ever bought a knockoff item of any
kind?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah?
For a while, when I was waiting tables on the Upper East Side in the early 2000s,
a guy
would come around once a week with fake Rolexes and fake watches.
Would always buy one.
Interesting.
How much are they?
Like $40.
I've definitely bought not real slash good jewelry, you know, but it wasn't a
pure knockoff.
It was just like a $20 chain from the mall.
And every time, and I mean every time my mother comes up to New York, she buys
bags and stuff
off the guys on the street.
Really?
With the carpets out.
I love those guys.
Yeah.
Like the records show that Kevin said bought him.
By the way, I've been a fan.
I've been saying, I got bad vocab, Ari.
I'll be in Atlanta on 420, Nashville and Charlotte coming up right after that.
When you're wearing a suit, do you wear an undershirt?
Oh, this is very big.
Yeah.
Not a fat guy thing.
No.
It makes it worse.
Yeah, it makes it worse.
I will, and it's even trashier, which we've talked about before, I will take a
crew neck
regular white t-shirt.
Yeah.
Cut the sleeves off.
Oh, Jesus.
It gets worse.
Cut the sleeves off so you can't see them.
Because you can see the sleeve through the white shirt when you take your
jacket off.
Yeah, that's true.
But if you cut it here, it falls.
Ari, come on.
It falls in the seam?
Yeah, it falls in the seam.
So you got the protection of the undergarment.
If it's a crew neck, I will also cut the neck around here so you can't see the
crew neck.
So I can do an unbutton.
The crew neck is a problem, too.
So I cut the crew neck.
What do you mean you cut it?
Like all straight down?
No, I'll cut it to like here.
Just like a deeper U.
You don't like a V because the V neck...
The V you can see.
The V you can see.
So you do like a U, which is here, so you can undo the first button, and it
looks like
there's nothing there.
You don't get seen.
Plus you can rip it off when you're closing after the wedding.
Yeah.
I like the t-shirt so you can not sweat into your suit.
Sure.
Sure.
Are you a jacket on or jacket off kind of guy at a wedding?
I'm a jacket on.
Yeah, me too.
Yeah, I'll leave it on.
Because you always want the possibility of turning it up and waving that suit.
Ah, a showman.
I was not expecting that.
A showman.
You want it?
If they get you there, you want to be able to go there.
Gotcha.
I agree with that.
If the energy level gets there, you don't want to be left open.
You don't want to be running back to find your jacket.
That is true.
Coincidentally, the first time I saw somebody do that was my buddy Brad Kramer
at a bar
mitzvah when we were young.
Yeah.
Dude.
It was suits, and he pulled that move, and I was like, God damn, this kid's all
right.
Yeah, Jews turn it up.
They really do.
Yeah, and also, you guys have been to Jewish events, right?
Of course.
Jewish weddings, bar mitzvahs, bat mitzvahs.
The dancing, underrated.
It's easy for everyone to join in.
Yeah.
You put on that?
You just join a circle.
The place at the banks.
I went to a grand opening of a TD bank one time.
Those guys were getting down.
8% checking.
What?
You can't spell Santander without an H.
What does that mean?
I'm saying, I don't know.
I figured Hebrew?
Those are interesting.
Okay.
It's back in the character.
Why didn't you wear the suit for this?
He wore a suit last.
What is this?
What's the attire?
This is where Judgment started.
It was in the Far East.
Oh, okay.
But what does the hat have to do with anything?
It's the closest I could come to tying the outfit together.
We'll go back to the drawing board.
I did not have a Chinese hat.
So I got this hat from Guatemala, and I brought it, and I tried to make it work.
Yeah, the Far East.
I'm now realizing it didn't work.
I didn't look at it in a mirror for it.
It was from the East side of Guatemala.
There it is.
It was from the East, Southeast of Guatemala.
That is true.
That is true.
Okay.
It's so funny.
We were like, what are we going to do with R today?
And I was like, ah, we'll just hang.
And then sure as shit.
Fucking curveball Shafir comes in.
Have you ever drink, drunk, drink, drunken, drunks?
Drinking.
Drinking a fireball.
Yes.
Yes.
I mean.
There you go.
Ari.
There you go.
You are nuts if you think I'm drinking anything that came out of your bag
specifically.
Normally, I would.
It's sealed.
Who knows what you're up to?
Yeah.
You probably got a sealing machine in that apartment of yours.
You got to watch your drink around this guy.
I probably do.
That's a good idea to get a sealing machine.
Ari, you think I wouldn't put anything past you?
That's what they do at Yankee Stadium where the steel's cracked, but they
figure that out
and they just solder it.
You know that idea?
Who says that?
They refill waters and just solder it shut.
Oh, when they bring in booze.
Yeah.
Yeah.
They just get the Asians.
They're like, we'll give you five cents each or seven cents each for those
bottles instead
of five.
You got the little solder on it.
Yeah.
Huh.
Fill them up.
Oh, that's strong.
Man.
He broke out four fucking...
Woodford Reserve.
Okay.
Where did you get those?
Closet.
Okay.
I had them left over from Halloween where we were all when it was Batman and
Batman had
a working tool belt.
Oh, the belt.
Utility belt.
T