Name: Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast: Robert Kelly Returns!
Uploaded: 2024-01-18T00:00:19.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast: Robert Kelly Returns!' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-01-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast: Robert Kelly Returns!' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-01-18. Transcript available.

Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast: Robert Kelly Returns!

Good to see you, gang. The boys are planning the Are You Garbage 2024 tour, and
we want to know where you want us to come.
Yeah, so click the link in the description. Let us know what cities you want us
to come to.
We're coming to all the ones we've been to before, and we're adding a bunch of
new ones.
We just need to know where to go, so click the link, let us know, and we'll see
you out there, gang.
We're staying at your house.
Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage?
The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals
or absolute trash.
Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to Everybody's Favorite Podcast.
This is Are You Garbage?
Oh, yeah.
It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find
that they're good to be classy.
Yeah.
But they're just a big old piece of trash.
Trash, trash, trash.
I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day.
We're out back here at Tootie's in a new edition.
She's out running some errands.
Okay.
She had to stop at the bank.
She had to see her parole officer.
Hit the plug.
Okay.
Come back.
All right.
All right.
My co-host is coming at you, unfortunately, right next to me.
He is the CEO of Are You Garbage?
He's an international businessman.
He is the gummy bear bandit.
Give it up for KJ, Kevin James Ryan, with his nice jacket on.
What's up, guys?
It's a shirt.
Thanks for tuning in, everybody.
We love you.
First of all, please make sure you rate, review, subscribe on iTunes.
Full video available on YouTube, as you know, those numbers are...
True to Riff.
Cooking, baby.
Greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com slash RU Garbage Gang.
It's a party over there.
Yes, it is.
And how about a nice quick shout-out to our producer, X-Short and Air.
The old magic man makes us all look good.
Works the ones, the twos, the threes, and the fours.
He crosses the T's, and he dots the I's.
Give it up for T-Bone McScruffins.
Toby McMullen, ladies and gentlemen.
What up, boys?
Hey, pal.
We have an absolute legend in the edition.
Yes, we do.
Yes, we do.
A killer amongst killers, this guy.
Gang, the long hair ain't lying.
We couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly, and I mean incredibly
special guest, back with
us again today.
It's his first time here at Tootie's in a new edition.
We love him.
You love him.
He is the host of, you know what, dude?
He is the host of Bone to Pick, co-host on The Bonfire, and The Rags.
Got to check out.
Give it up for Robert Kelly, everybody.
It's a lot of podcasts.
It's a lot of podcasts.
I mean, you guys are so happy one of yours hit.
You ain't lying, sweetheart.
I'm still rolling the fucking dice.
I saw you zipping around the West Village the other night in that premium SUV.
What are you talking about?
Oh, yeah.
That was so funny.
What are you whipping around?
I got a Lexus.
Got a Lexi.
A little hybrid Lexus.
Zipping around.
Okay.
That's a jacket, by the way.
Sure.
I'll take it.
No, I saw him on the street in the bike lane, and I just zipped up like I was
going to hit
him just to see what type of guy he is.
You know what I mean?
What was his reaction?
Because if he's like, oh, my God, oh, my God.
You know, some people, oh.
He got down in a three-point stance.
Move 42.
He did.
I thought it was an Uber.
I jumped in the back seat.
The kid in front of whoever that was pushed him out of the way, and he went,
what the fuck?
Watch out.
Watch out.
What the fuck?
And I was like, I'm exactly who I thought Foley was.
He saved a life and stepped in front.
Sure.
Can't park that here, buddy.
But you told me you were out of town.
I said I was-
And I see you zipping around.
Uno momento.
Oh, love a good line.
Uno momento.
That's Spanish.
Thanks.
Is Babel a sponsor?
Not yet, but they could be.
No, dude.
That was Tuesday.
Yeah.
I said, hey, can you come in Thursday?
You're like, no, I'm going to be out of town.
Leaving the next morning at five in the morning.
I told you I'm jumping on a plane.
And where were you heading?
Tampa.
Tampa.
Oh, love a nice Tampa.
I did a private event at a cigar lounge, Corona Cigar.
Okay.
How was that?
For me?
That's our dream gig.
Dude, I'm looking out.
Get paid to smoke sticks.
Me and Mike Colleton.
Mike Colleton was, who's my number one best friend.
And you've done him.
You know Colleton.
I love Colleton.
He's the best.
So I go, dude, come down.
And he's done standing before.
He'll go up and do 10 minutes, fuck off, blah, blah, blah.
My crowd's his crowd down there.
His crowd's my crowd.
That's his turf down there.
But he goes up.
The king of Tampa.
The king of Tampa.
King of Florida.
Yeah, Florida.
So he goes up and he's just winging it.
And it's like, but this is his crowd.
But then there's these cigar people, which is a different world.
Man, watching your buddy bomb.
There ain't too many things better in life than that.
Is there anything better?
Oh, great.
You know what's better than that?
Making your buddy bomb.
Have you ever done that?
No, but I know you animals used to do it to each other back in the day at the
cellar.
Me and Keith did it to Voss.
Voss had to follow Nikki Glaser.
Okay.
Nikki Glaser killing.
And it's all mostly young girls.
I mean, murdering with these jokes.
And Voss is going up.
We know that fucking old coot's going to sit, try to bring back the energy to
his thing.
I went on one side.
He went on the other.
Keith went on this side.
I went on that side.
And every joke he did, we went, oh.
Oh, I would have fucking killed you.
Next.
The whole crowd, five minutes in.
Oh.
They all got on board.
Dude, the whole crowd.
That's great.
Everything he said.
And then at one point, the girl looked up at me and Liz.
She went, why would he talk like this?
Took a hot one.
So you're doing a little traveling.
You're down in Tampa.
What does a guy like Bobby like to stay?
A hotel man, I would have said.
An Airbnb guy?
Yeah.
No, no, no, no, no.
Nothing.
I can't do an Airbnb.
I'm with you.
We were a big Airbnb team, but we're off now.
Back to hotel.
And how's your hotel etiquette?
I like all I need in a hotel.
I need a little tiny gym.
I don't need room service.
I don't need that.
Okay.
I'm not a snob like that.
A little gym.
I need a little coffee.
Free breakfast?
You like a free breakfast?
I'm all right with that, but I'm not going to fuck with it.
Really?
I know what it's about.
Huh.
I used to, but now I'd rather just go somewhere and get breakfast.
Okay.
I feel like waiting in a line.
Man, you feel like you.
I do love a hotel breakfast, but you don't feel your best waiting behind a
fucking, like
three mouth breathers for the fucking, for the waffle machine.
Just a family of fat six.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
It's bad, dude.
For a single serving of Yoplait.
Oh, and they're, yeah.
Are you guys bringing more bacon?
And a green banana.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And they're touching every banana.
And then they, and then you see them and their bag is full of yogurts and milks.
And it's like, all right, relax.
You fucking, it's free.
Fucking grocery shopping at the fucking Days Inn.
Yeah.
I, I'm all right.
But I'm not a snob like that.
I like, and I, flat, flat T, this is how old I am.
I got to the point where I told my agent, I go, listen, I'm not staying in
hotels with
square TVs.
I, I don't want to box.
Is that on, is that on the website?
How do they know that?
Well, I used to, I used to stay in hotels and it had like a square.
The big guy, yeah.
You guys, you guys, you remember that?
I remember that, yeah.
So, yeah, I, I was like, dude, enough.
I want a flat screen TV.
I want a flat, I want a thin TV.
If it doesn't have a thin TV, I'm not fucking staying.
Cause those, those square TV rooms.
It's rough.
Those are real prima donna over here.
I'm not getting up to change the channels no more.
It better have a remote.
I need a record player.
No more of this 8-track bullshit.
Henny Youngman?
I'm, I'm first floor near the elevator too.
What?
First floor?
Dude, I don't want to, I don't.
Wait, ground floor?
I hate having to get into a fucking elevator.
What are you, a truck driver?
That's crazy.
That's the first guy that gets got, dude.
Get got then.
I'm actually the first guy to get away.
I hear the shit going on.
I'm out.
The dad emergency doors never open.
What are you talking about?
You're on the fucking fifth floor down the end of the hallway.
You got nowhere to go.
The first floor.
First floor.
Bang.
Man, you're looking for trouble down there.
He sleeps with the door open.
I love it.
I welcome intruders.
I leave my, I leave my curtain open.
I love it.
I love when people pull up in their car and I'm just staring right at them.
And I wave.
They got the flat TVs.
Get your ass in here.
The first floor of a hotel.
That's insane, Bobby.
First floor of the hotel.
You go and check in and say, hey, I want a room on the first floor.
Yeah.
I like the first floor.
By the elevator, too.
I don't.
Don't you hear it dinging and stuff?
And by the way, that's indicative of where you're staying, that they have rooms
on the
first floor.
Yeah.
I love it.
Hotels don't.
Hyatt has first floor.
And I'll take a handicap room.
I don't like to.
I don't like walking into the shower like that.
It's too creepy.
I love it.
Uh-uh.
I need.
No.
You've never been fat, fat.
It's true.
Yeah.
I need.
Yeah.
There was a time where I had to wash myself off like a baby elephant.
I had to get that hose.
Sure.
Try to put a leg up.
Oh, yeah.
Get underneath.
Dude, that stupid tub standing there with my little feetsies in and the curtain
hits the
side.
I get that.
Fuck.
I like walking in.
I like a ballerina bar in there.
Yeah.
Sit down.
They have a little flapping bench.
I feel like I'm in a hospital, dude.
I can't do it.
Yeah.
I love that.
I love the wand.
Do you use that chair to get into the pool?
Marco.
Will you dip in the pool if there's a pool?
A hundred percent.
Okay.
Bring your trunks.
Hop in the hot tub.
Always bring trunks.
I'll hop into the hot tub.
I'll go fucking blow an old guy in the sauna.
Whatever they got.
Get your soap, baby.
I use those hotels up, man.
Okay.
Yeah.
One of the best times I've ever had was in Kansas City at a hotel where the
pool was
inside and then went outside.
Whoa.
And it went outside.
It was a snowstorm.
I was outside, heated pool, snow coming down.
That's sick.
And I was just sitting there with my little bald head coming out.
It was great.
I'll remember that for the rest of my life.
Dude, on the road, you really...
You know, we'll hop in the pool and you'll really get some nice, just relaxing
moments pre-show.
It's all right.
Just in there, float with your other fat friend in a hot tub.
It's all right.
It's the best.
It's great.
I hate comics that don't use the amenities.
Uh-huh.
Like, I used to go on the road with comics.
I remember Dane would never use the amenities.
You know, I'd wake up early.
I'd go down and get the coffee.
Fuck yeah, dude.
I hang out in that little, like, lobby restaurant.
Let's go, yeah.
I'm in there.
I got a coffee.
I sit on the chairs by the elevator.
Use those.
Get a little journal time in.
How are you guys going?
Three?
All right.
A little, hey, today was a good day.
Ding.
Someone comes out, say hello.
Have a good day.
I use it all, man.
Making calls, doing it all, baby.
I like that.
If you sit in...
If you go down to the hot tub at the hotel and there's somebody else in there,
will you, hey, how you doing?
Will you chat them up a little bit?
Well, you know what?
Or will you give them their space and be like, I'm going to hop in the pool and
then
when they get out, I'll get in the hot tub?
Well, it depends.
I'll usually get in the hot tub and I'll be like, how you doing?
I'll say hi.
You need the initial hi.
Hey, I know.
Just to let you know, I'm not here.
I'm not here to...
This isn't a meat market.
I'm not sucking.
I'm not here to get my dick sucked.
I'm not sucking your dick.
You are.
How you doing?
But it feels like that, though.
When it's you and another guy in the hot tub, s