Name: H. Foley | Half Hour Stand Up Comedy Special | Presented by Are You Garbage (2024)
Uploaded: 2024-02-23T00:00:11.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'H. Foley | Half Hour Stand Up Comedy Special | Presented by Are You Garbage (2024)' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-02-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'H. Foley | Half Hour Stand Up Comedy Special | Presented by Are You Garbage (2024)' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-02-23. Transcript available.

H. Foley | Half Hour Stand Up Comedy Special | Presented by Are You Garbage (2024)

Madison, Wisconsin, make some noise, baby!
Let's go!
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
How we feeling? We feeling good?
We drinking?
Yeah, a couple of uh-uhs.
Maybe later, a little uh-uh.
After that, maybe a little...
No? All right, no heroin. Fair enough.
Knew there was a line somewhere. Just wanted to find it.
Gang, it's great to be here. I'm back in jeans, baby.
Yeah! I'm back in jeans.
I got no circulation below my waist and I can't feel my legs.
But I'm back in jeans.
I was walking through the airport yesterday like I had an eight ball up my ass.
Just like, eh. Breaking them in.
I've been trying to lose weight. I'm taking it pretty seriously.
I uh, just switched over to Sprite.
See how that goes for a couple of weeks.
I did try keto for a minute. You guys ever do keto?
The diet where you just eat pork chops?
You guys...
Listen, I don't know much, but I know a brick of cream cheese isn't a healthy
alternative.
I did keto. I put on 35 pounds.
I was on it for four hours.
I got to do something, though. It's starting to get difficult for me to fly.
Well, difficult for me and the poor son of a bitch sitting next to me.
It's getting difficult for us to fly.
And don't feel bad. Don't think fat people don't know.
We see you looking at us when we get on the airplane.
Yeah, we see your heads popping to the aisle like,
where the fuck is he going?
Please don't be 29B. Come on, man.
As I'm walking sideways through first class.
My stomach just rubbing on some finance bro's head.
Sorry about that, Taylor. My bad, dude.
I'll be back to take a dump in about 20 minutes.
You might want to clear on out of here.
Also, I noticed, too, people were starting to treat me different,
the fatter that I got.
I had something real weird happen last week.
I used to get my hair cut at this barber shop next to my old apartment.
But we moved, like, six months ago.
But I had to be back in the neighborhood last week.
And I walked by the barber shop.
And I wasn't even close with the barber.
But he comes running out of the shop.
And he's like, hey, man.
Where you been?
And I'm like, oh, we moved.
And he's like, you moved?
Oh, I didn't even think of that.
I didn't even think of that.
You moved.
Whoo.
You moved.
And in my head, I'm like, oh, this guy thought I died.
This guy for sure thought I died.
And then he walked back into the shop to the other barbers and was like, he
moved.
And then I heard eight barbers in unison go, I moved.
The only thing that has saved me has been the big and tall store.
I love the big and tall store.
But I'm going to tell you this.
You go in there, you see a lot of big.
You don't see a lot of tall.
You see a lot of big.
But at a regular department store, I'm a 5X.
Like, that's embarrassing.
At the big and tall store, I'm a junior petite small.
They got everything in my size.
I feel like a swimsuit model walking around this place.
And it's great.
All the salespeople, they're all certified paramedics.
Yeah, they got defibrillators in every aisle.
And I'll be honest with you, the wings are pretty good.
They're not bad.
This is blue cheese.
This is fantastic.
My doctor's got me on Lipitor.
I'm taking Lipitor.
Anybody else?
Yeah, one guy.
All right, that's a good one.
That's the fattest crowd work you're ever going to see in your life right there.
Where are my pacemakers at?
Make some noise, huh?
Just one guy in the back like,
No, I'm not actually taking Lipitor.
I'm taking the generic version of Lipitor.
Yeah, I'm an American, goddammit.
That's how we roll.
But isn't it funny, as Americans,
there's so many things that we have to have the name brand for.
Like, we have to have Apple.
We have to have Nike.
We have to have Adidas.
But when it comes to the liver cancer medicine,
we're like, just give me the cheap shit.
And hurry it up.
I got ice cream in the car, all right?
My chubby hubby's melting.
Me and my girlfriend have been talking about having kids,
which I did always want to become a dad.
I always saw myself becoming a dad.
But I messed up, man.
I waited too long.
And I became an uncle first.
Now I don't want to have kids anymore.
Yeah, when you're an aunt or an uncle
and you don't have kids of your own,
that's a very sobering preview
of what your parenthood experience
is probably going to be like.
Like, genetically, you're in that kid somewhere.
There's a half of a half of a half of a half of you
in that child.
And don't get me wrong,
I have a three-year-old niece who I love,
but I got this six-year-old nephew.
Biggest dickhead I've ever met.
Like, if I could fight this guy.
And what drives me crazy about little kids these days
is that they have access to so much information
that little kids now,
they act like nothing existed before they were alive.
Like, my nephew says things to me
like it's the first time anyone has ever said it.
Like, he's dropping knowledge on me.
He's straightening me out.
The other day I was with him,
he gets right in my face and he goes,
Uncle Hank,
I bet you didn't know that Darth Vader
is actually Luke Skywalker's dad.
Like, I bet you didn't know
that your mom got arrested at spring break in 1993.
Anybody tell you that bedtime story, wise-ass?
Yeah.
A lot of shit happened before you got here, my friend.
Trust me.
Now, why don't you go in the kitchen,
grab me a Lunchable,
and shut the fuck up.
Take your weird-ass friends with you.
I don't like his friends.
He's got a weak fucking crew.
We could roll his crew in like two seconds.
Take the whole block if we want it.
His best friend is probably the weirdest human being
that I have ever met in my life.
It's his next-door neighbor,
and his name's Larry.
Who the fuck names a little kid Larry
in the last 15 years?
I was ready to call the cops on these people.
You named them Larry?
And this is how weird Larry is, all right?
Larry's six years old,
and for some reason,
he wears transition lenses in his glasses.
Ah, see, now I'm not the asshole anymore, am I?
And if you don't know what transition lenses are,
they're regular glasses when you're inside,
but then when super-creep-o Larry
steps into the sunlight...
Like, have you ever seen a little kid
that looks like he's a pedophile?
That's little Larry.
The first time I met the guy,
he asked me to see my belly button.
I was like, what the fuck?
See my belly button?
I'm like, Larry,
I'm gonna play with your dad's gun.
Get away from me.
Dude, I couldn't sleep for a week.
I just pictured Larry standing over top of me,
like, let's see that belly button, fat boy.
I've been faking heart attacks around my apartment.
Just to test my girlfriend's response time.
Madison, I haven't made it once.
Yeah, I'm 0 for 16 on the Widowmakers
at the Foley household.
I asked my girlfriend the other day,
I was like, what would you do if I suddenly died?
She's like, I don't know,
probably sleep in the middle of the bed.
Okay, I was hoping for lifelong celibacy,
but all right.
I guess I'll cancel the trip to Fort Lauderdale
next weekend.
I haven't a serious relationship.
I live with my girlfriend.
She's real.
Yeah, we fight a lot.
We do.
We fight.
But I think that's healthy.
Don't listen to psychologists
or your family or friends.
Fighting is a part of the relationship.
Like, to really be in love,
you gotta hate the motherfucker
just a little bit.
You really do.
That's what keeps you coming back.
Like, you're just gonna do things
that drive each other crazy.
Like, something my girlfriend does
that I can't stand
is she talks during movies.
And something I do
that my girlfriend can't stand
is I pee on the floor a lot.
I'm gonna say that again.
I pee on the floor a lot.
Like, I do it a lot of times.
And when I do it,
a lot of pee comes out.
Like, I pee on the floor a lot.
And the one thing about peeing...
Hold on.
I'm 47, all right?
And young guys,
don't let the old guys get in your head.
Don't listen to that bullshit.
Oh, you better enjoy it now.
When you get older, it stinks.
It's not.
It's actually pretty awesome.
Like, you know what the best part
about being a 47-year-old man is?
It's the peeing.
The best pees of your life
are in your 40s, fellas.
I'm telling you.
Like, you know how they say
women reach sexual maturity
in their 30s?
Men reach peeing maturity
in their 40s.
That's as good as it's ever
going to get again.
Now, the having to pee,
that's brutal.
In your 20s and 30s,
it's like, oh, I got to pee.
In your 40s, it's,
I got to pee!
And you barely make it
to the toilet.
You barely get your pants undone.
But then you get this nice,
thick, powerful stream.
Woo!
That literally feels
like two weeks vacation.
You feel like you're
dipping your toes
into the sands of the Bahamas,
just like, oh!
And it's going everywhere,
but you don't give a fuck.
And every once in a while,
you get this magic fart
that comes out
halfway through.
Woo!
Remember when your dad
did that shit
when you were a kid?
You were like,
oh, my God,
is he a Jedi?
How did he do that?
Best piece of your life,
I'm telling you.
It's almost as good,
and I say almost as good,
as jerking off
when you have a fever.
No, Madison,
we don't know about this?
Fellas,
do yourselves a favor.
The next time
you got a real high fever,
like I'm talking
104, 105,
right before you go
to the emergency room,
just knock one out
real quick.
I'm telling you,
it's like getting
free Molly.
You feel like you're
coming out of a warehouse
at 7 a.m.
like,
God damn.
That DJ was all right.
But yeah,
me and my girlfriend,
we fight.
We fight.
And I'm okay with that.
I just wasn't ready
for what we were
going to fight about.
The things that couples
fight about on a daily basis,
it blows my mind.
Like when I was a little kid,
if somebody would have
came up to me in class
and been like,
Henry, listen,
I have great news for you.
In 20 years,
you're going to meet
the love of your life.
You're going to move in
with her.
You're going to build
the life with her.
And then on some
random Wednesday night,
you're going to be
in a full-scale
death match with her
over how many
paper towels you use.
I would have hung myself
on the ropes
in gym class.
That's what I'm getting
yelled at for
as a grown man,
how I clean up
Greek yogurt.
That's what I'm
taking heat for.
Because my girlfriend
could take a regular
square of a paper towel
and she can clean
Afghanistan with it.
I use paper towels
the way a baby gorilla
would use paper towels.
Me and my girlfriend
have been traveling
a lot together lately.
We've been together
seven years.
And I've noticed
there's a huge difference
between traveling
in the beginning
of a relationship
as opposed to,
say, seven years in.
In the beginning,
it's fun.
It's adventurous.
It's exciting.
We're going to go
away together.
We're going to have
such a great time.
And after seven years,
all a vacation becomes
is, yo, let's go
fight in another country.
Yeah, let's get an
away game under our belt.
Take this freak show
on the road, baby.
There's always a fight.
There's always a fight,
man.
I'm telling you.
There's an eye roll
at security gate.
You know, there's a little
tension at the baggage
carousel.
It's almost like my
girlfriend woke up
one morning and was like,
you know, I've never
been in an argument
in Boston before.
Oh, my God, Hank,
what do you say we go up
to the Paul Revere house
and we embarrass ourselves
like two complete animals
over who lost
the hotel room key?
That'll be a fun weekend,
right?
That's a good way
to put 1,200 bucks
on the Capital One card.
What do you say, Hank?
Let's go.
We got into a fight
at the Eiffel Tower.
Lowest point
in our relationship.
Neither one of us
had ever been to France,
never been to Paris.
Everyone's up there
looking out of this
beautiful city,
and me and her
are up against the wall
doing the quiet fight.
You ever try to do
some slick shit
and do the quiet fight?
Yeah, you feel like
a baseball manager
pulling the pitcher
off the mound.
Just like,
yeah, let's not do
this right now.
No, come on,
don't do this here.
I'm telling you right now,
don't do this here.
You do this here,
I'm going back to the hotel.
I'