Name: Stand Up Comedy Special | Kevin Ryan | Half Hour | Presented by Are You Garbage (2024)
Uploaded: 2024-03-14T23:00:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Stand Up Comedy Special | Kevin Ryan | Half Hour | Presented by Are You Garbage (2024)' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-03-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Stand Up Comedy Special | Kevin Ryan | Half Hour | Presented by Are You Garbage (2024)' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-03-14. Transcript available.

Stand Up Comedy Special | Kevin Ryan | Half Hour | Presented by Are You Garbage (2024)

Billy, what the fuck is up?
Holy shit, thank you.
Thank you for coming out.
This is awesome.
Thank you so much.
We appreciate it.
Feel like I made it weird already.
Cool, all right.
What the fuck?
Just kind of my vibes today.
Thanks for coming out.
Bit hungover, I gotta tell you.
I realize I have a drinking problem.
I got a bad drinking problem that I need to take care of.
All right, relax, sir.
Here's my thing.
I realized I have a problem.
I just haven't done anything about it.
This is what happened.
I had a bit of an epiphany.
It was two Friday nights ago.
I was at a bar.
I was drinking by myself.
It was like midnight.
I had like, I don't know, eight beers in me.
Nothing crazy.
Just chilling, you know?
I go outside to smoke a cigarette because I'm an adult.
I'll do whatever the fuck I want to do when I'm partying.
And I get outside and across from me is a 24-hour gym,
which is the last thing you want to see
when you're out drinking and smoking by yourself.
It's floor-to-ceiling windows,
a row of treadmills facing out,
and just 12 top jack dudes just fucking crushing it.
And I'm at the window like,
and I emotionally collapse on myself.
I'm like, dude, you're the biggest piece of shit.
You got to get your act together.
You're always out here smoking and drinking.
Be like these guys.
These guys are better in their lives.
I go, you know what?
Hold on.
Fuck these dudes.
It's Friday night at midnight.
Go live a life, you fucking lunatics.
Then I realized it was Wednesday night.
I'm like, oh, fuck, I got a problem.
This is way worse than I thought it was.
I should probably talk to somebody.
My drinking's getting me fat, too.
It is.
Over the past two years, I put on 30 pounds from drinking.
And it's because I was drinking IPAs for a very long time.
And be careful.
If you're out there drinking IPAs, be careful.
I did the research.
There's up to 350 calories in an IPA.
That's the equivalent of one bologna sandwich.
That's crazy.
That means I go to the bar on the weekend
and eat 13 bologna sandwiches.
And then I walk out at 3 a.m. like,
who wants pizza, huh?
I haven't eaten all day.
I'm starving.
I'm trying to stay healthy, man.
It's tough, because there's an uptick in COVID right now.
And we travel around the country.
And you see more and more people wearing masks.
You see them on a plane or at an airport or at a show.
And I don't judge.
I don't care.
If you want to wear a mask, wear a mask.
I try to come with compassion.
I go, you know what?
That was a crazy couple of years for everybody.
I don't know this person's life.
Maybe they have a pre-existing condition.
Maybe they spend a lot of time with their early grandparents.
I don't know.
And quite frankly, I don't give a fuck.
But recently, I was on a plane.
And the guy I was supposed to be sitting next to
wasn't wearing a mask.
And then I sat down, and he fucking put on a mask.
And I'm like, I'll spit in your fucking mouth right now, dude.
That is the most disrespectful shit I've ever seen.
He took one look at me.
He's like, I don't know what he has, but I don't fucking want it.
And the crazy thing is, I got home that night
and found out I did have COVID.
I was like, damn, you're good, dude.
You smelt that shit on me.
God damn.
I got married right before COVID.
I just celebrated three years of being married.
She's not here.
It doesn't matter.
She's great.
I realize I'm a jealous husband, though.
I'm a very jealous husband.
Any other dudes jealous?
Yeah, one guy just went, I am, sir.
Yes.
Don't even look at her, dude.
I found out why I'm jealous.
I'm jealous because my wife is significantly more attractive than I am.
I landed myself a hot lady, and a dude's hit on her when she's by herself.
She'll be at the store, a dude will hit on her, and that's not what bothers me.
I'm so fucked up in my head.
What bothers me is she gets hit on and then comes home and tells me how nice
this guy was she
just met, and I can't let that slide.
I'm like, babe, he was trying to fuck you.
She's like, no, some people are just nice.
I'm like, no, they're not.
She goes, well, we just choose to see the world differently or some fucking hot
girl shit.
I'm like, this is the real world, sweetheart.
I'm in the trenches of this motherfucker, okay?
This isn't even a joke.
Last week, she came home and was like, hey, listen, I'm taking the dog to the
park.
This guy wants to take pictures of me and the dog in the park.
I'm like, yeah, well, we're not fucking doing that.
And she's like, why not?
I'm like, babe, because he's trying to fuck you.
She's like, no, how do you know?
I go, I don't know.
I've walked that dog every day.
No one's ever stopped to take my fucking pictures.
No one's ever been like, hey, Kevin, go throw one at a tube top and meet me in
the park,
you know?
It's never happened once.
So I lost my shit.
I'm not proud of how I acted.
I lost my shit.
I got anger problems.
We're standing in our living room, and we're screaming at each other like a
manager and
an umpire.
I'm like, I'm like kicking dirt on her.
I'm like, you're not fucking going.
She's like, you can't tell me what to do.
I'm like, oh, I'm telling you what to do.
She's like, I'm a grown woman.
I make my own decisions.
I'm going to the park.
I said, you know what, babe?
You're right.
You are a grown woman.
You make your own decisions.
You go to the park.
But also, I'm a grown man, and I kind of just decided I want to go to the park
right
now, too.
That's crazy.
We're both going to be at the park at the same time, and I'm furious.
This is insane.
What are the chances?
She's like, you better not cause a scene.
I'm like, I'm causing the biggest fucking scene you've ever seen.
Everyone's going to be mad I came to the park today.
The squirrels are going to be upset that I showed up.
That's how big of a scene I'm causing when we get to the park.
So it's a two-block walk to the park.
I'm seeing red.
I'm like, I got to fight this guy.
This is crazy.
And I go, hold on.
Maybe my anger is, I'm getting ahead of myself here.
And I go, maybe he doesn't know you're in a relationship.
I go, babe, hold on a second.
Before I go nuts, I go, did you tell him you were married?
And she goes, I did.
And I go, this motherfucker still invited you?
I have to hit him with a rock.
This is nuts.
So we get to the park, and I'm mean-mugging every dude in the park.
I'm like, who's trying to fuck my wife?
This is crazy.
And then I see a guy with a camera around his neck, and he's waving,
and he is the gayest dude in the world.
And I was like, damn, I got so mad, I forgot gay guys existed for a minute.
Once I saw you was gay, I was like, babe, take your top off.
Show them the goods.
Starting OnlyFans out here.
Start pulling your weight in this fucking relationship.
She's great.
She's just very forgetful.
That's my one pet peeve I have with her.
And I don't care when she forgets something that only affects her,
but when she forgets something that affects me, I get furious.
She forgets her ID every time we go to the bar without fail.
She forgets her ID.
We walked into a bar recently.
I was like, hey, man, let me get two beers.
He's like, let me see some ID.
It's like, dude, first of all, I'm 37.
I got the hairline.
Just give me the fucking beers, you know?
And then my wife goes, oh my God, I forgot my ID.
And he's like, well, I can't serve her, but I can serve you.
What do you want?
I'm like, dude, this is my wife.
I'll vouch for her.
We're both 37.
Just give us two beers.
And he gets all serious.
He goes, I got a job to do, man.
Like he's a fucking state trooper all of a sudden.
He goes, what if she's 18?
What if she's in college?
I'm like, okay, I'll live in my fucking fantasy world with you for a minute.
Take a trip down my browser history, if you will.
But if she was 18 and in college, she wouldn't be dating me.
And he goes, oh, good point.
Two beers coming right up.
And I'm over carding.
I am.
You probably got carded.
And I get that.
This is a performance venue.
That makes sense.
But it's like, if you're in the audience and you work at like an Irish pub or a
sports bar
and you're a bartender, stop carding people.
It doesn't matter.
What's the worst that's going to happen?
Somebody gets a beer that shouldn't have a beer?
The world's crumbling around us and that's where we're putting our foot down
every day?
And people have come up to me after shows and go, that's irresponsible.
What if a 16-year-old kid comes in but he looks like he's 30?
It's like, that's the kid that needs a fucking drink.
Like that kid's seen some shit, you know what I mean?
He's got city miles on him, that fucking kid.
Make it a double.
Put it on my tab.
What are we doing here?
Do we have any kids that are 21 in here?
Early 20s?
Yeah, what are you, bro?
22.
Nice.
Who are you here with?
Your girlfriend.
Nice.
This is going to get weird for a sec, but...
I feel like hand jobs catch a really bad rap in your early 20s.
They do, right?
Let's just say, you know, you leave here.
I'm sorry to bring your girlfriend into my filth, but...
You seem like a nice lady.
But let's say you give him a hand job on the Uber home or whatever, you know
what I mean?
And then your buddy calls you in the morning.
He's like, dude, what'd you do last night?
You're like, ah, I went to the comedy show.
And on the way home, you know, me and Tracy, we were drunk.
She ended up giving me a hand job in the Uber.
It was the hottest shit ever.
Your boy would be like, Dan, dude, what a sick 22-year-old night.
Congratulations.
That's better than nothing.
Sarah, how old are you?
49.
Yeah, okay.
If you got a hand job tonight and called your buddy in the morning, he'd be
like, what are
you doing?
Go to work, motherfucker.
Like, we got bills to pay, dude.
I don't give a fuck about your hand job stories.
But I don't get it because dudes love hand jobs.
We do.
We just position our head wrong.
I'm 37 years old.
I haven't given myself a hand job every day for 22 fucking years.
Haven't missed a shift.
Overnights, weekends.
Whatever you need, I'm your guy, you know what I mean?
I'll join the union if I have to.
I don't care.
I'll be a foreman in like two weeks, you know what I mean?
So it's not the hand job we don't like, it's the hand.
Bear with me.
This is my theory.
Because for the past 22 years, I'm used to my man hand.
I used to wear construction and shit.
And then a girl will come over with her dainty little manicured hand and it's
like, you got
You got to grip it and rip it sweetheart, let's go.
I need a fucking meat hook down here.
Let's do this.
That's why I make my wife shovel the sidewalk in the winter.
Put on a fake mustache, do something for me, you know?
Trying to get the job done over here.
I told my friends I got a hand job one time and they all made fun of me.
They were like, hand job?
What are you, 11?
It's like, first of all, what 11-year-olds are getting fucking hand jobs?
That's the school I want to go to.
Not now, then.
I want to go then.
It'd be weird if I showed up on the playground like, Billy, Timmy, where are
you going?
I don't know why I made them two boys' names, but that's what happened.
There's a large trend in pornography over the past couple of years.
That guy started clapping.
He's like, finally.
This guy's up there talking about his wife.
Let's finally get to the good stuff.
Over the past couple of years, it's primarily one category.
Do you want to volunteer what it is, gentlemen that clapped?
Stepmom, yeah.
That's a little deeper than that.
It's stepbrother, stepsister porn.
Yeah.
This is where the women's faces are disgusted at this.
Women are always like, is it naughty nurses?
It's like, we're fucking way past naughty nurses.
We're fucking our stepsisters.
That's what we're doing.
And it's not for me.
It's not my cup of tea.
But it's also like, hey, I'm a progressive guy.
It's 2024.
Do whatever you want.
I don't care.
My whole thing is just label it.
That's all I ask.
Just label it and put it in your weird corner of the internet so I don't
stumble upon it an