Name: Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast: Teach Me Daddy w/ Chris Distefano & Matteo Lane!
Uploaded: 2024-09-11T23:00:15.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast: Teach Me Daddy w/ Chris Distefano & Matteo Lane!' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-09-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast: Teach Me Daddy w/ Chris Distefano & Matteo Lane!' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-09-11. Transcript available.

Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast: Teach Me Daddy w/ Chris Distefano & Matteo Lane!

Call in the army of garbage. The Route 66 tour is upon us. The bus is gassed up
and ready to go.
We're heading straight down Route 66, Chicago to LA. Grab the squad. Come out
and see us. We're
filming the whole thing. It's going to be a good, good time. Yeah, it starts
September 12th in
Chicago at the Vic Theater. Then September 13th, St. Louis. September 15th, Tulsa,
Oklahoma. September
16th, Oklahoma City. September 18th, Albuquerque, New Mexico. September 19th,
Flagstaff, Arizona.
Then we're going to Las Vegas, September 20th, ending September 21st, Los
Angeles, California
at the Palace Theater. Get your tickets, are yougarbage.com. We'll see you
there. See you in a
rude. Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where
you find out
if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here
are your hosts,
Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to
everybody's favorite
podcast. This is Are You Garbage? Oh, yeah. It's that little show we sit down
with your favorite
comedians and we find that if they go to be classy. Yeah. If they're just a big
old piece
of trash. I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out
back here
at Tootie's in the new edition. We're both a little under the weather. Sure. Me
and Tootie were
out getting after it last night. I can tell. You're fucking wearing a hangover,
dude. He came
in sweating. Mike Coes is coming at you from right next to me. He is the CEO of
Are You Garbage? He
is an international businessman and my best pal in the whole wide world. Give
it up for KJ.
Kevin James Ryan, everybody. What up, everybody? Thanks for tuning in. As
always, please make
sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube. And
obviously the
greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com slash Yari Garbage. Gang, get
over there. It's a gosh
darn party. And gang, we couldn't be more excited to have two incredibly guests
here today. They're
back with us. We all love them. Everybody loves them. They're all over the
place. You got Chris
DeStefano with the Chrissy Chaos podcast and you have Mateo Lane with the
podcast, I Never Liked
You. And they teamed up for a limited series, Teach Me Daddy. Two of the
funniest, two of the
best. Give it up for the boys. Chris DeStefano, Mateo Lane. Yes, thank you.
Thank you. Feeling
good. So you went out last night. I was out last night. Where'd you go? I was
at the
cellar. I had a couple of spots. We were all at the cellar. Did you see him at
the
cellar? No, I got there at like 1230 after I was rejected. He was drunk by then.
I should
have been there at 1230. I'm a late night guy. What were you throwing back? Gila
sodas.
Nice. You know what I've been doing recently? Tequila grapefruit juice. So I
hit the prostate
at the same time. What? Tequila grapefruit juice. I'm telling you, try it out.
And it's
good for your prostate. Grapefruit. It's a lot of acid. Oh no, pomegranate it
is. Sorry. Pomegranate? Yeah.
My bad. I meant Sprite. I apologize. Yeah. That's good though. Tequila, tequila.
I usually
get the least amount of hangovers with tequila, but you're saying. I'm not hung
over. My throat's just gone. You might be getting the, you know, it's back. The
Covey
movie? I had it two weeks ago. I didn't tell anyone. Just went out, lived my
life. I like
that. But as I. Like a goddamn American. Well, it's one of those things where I'm
saying
to myself, I don't have it. Whatever I have is just sick. You know, I got my
friend as a
doctor. He's like, who cares? Just like it's, you know, we got to live with
this. And he's
like, it's probably not even that. So I'm like, all right, it's no problem. It's
not
that. We go out and with my family, we're hanging out. We're at a Hampton's
house. We're
going to a. Classy. Classy. Hampton's house is classy. Here's the thing. Classy,
yes.
But deck was falling apart and there was a dead squirrel on the property. So we
paid for,
I paid for three days. I stayed for one. So. Oh, this was a vacay. This was you
and
the family. This is an Airbnb with me, the jazz, the kids. We had a nice time,
but we
literally. Were you by the beach? No. We're in Sag Harbor, not far from the
beach, but we
get there. There's dead squirrels. The pool, the pool is, you know, the pool is
nice, but
it's all shaded by the trees. So my family's saying it's the water's too cold.
And then I'm
starting to feel sick, sicker and sicker. And then I'm like, it's fine though.
I don't
have, I don't have, I don't have the big C. I don't have it. It's, it's just
something
else. I have allergies. That's what everyone's allergies. That's the first
denial. That's
the first line. That's the first line. That's the allergy. And then you hear
people like,
like, like enabling you because I think it's allergy. It's at my allergies are
the worst
right now. It's terrible this time of year. Everybody has it. Then the headache
comes.
I'm like, it's still retrograde. I'm like, I'm fully fine. There's
no way I have anything. It's just allergies. I'll take a bunch of Claret and
take a Benadryl
and wake up the next day. We'll be fine. We'll have a full day in the Hamptons
and wake up
the next day. Can't smell or taste anything. I say, here we go.
It's a stomach virus.
I said, take me to the hospital. I'm having a stroke.
Get that mask away from me.
But then I got to be honest with you within not even a day, like six hours of
the day.
It's like, it just turned off. Like all everything. I just came back and I was
a hundred percent,
but I definitely feel like I had it. Sure. I was residual fatigue for a week,
but he talks
to you like he's a doctor. Yeah. How long ago was this? You're going to get us
all sick.
No, this was two, three weeks ago. It was two weeks ago when you started the
story. Now it's
two, three weeks ago. Actually, it was a week ago because I was in P-Town.
Where were you again?
The Hamptons. Yeah. But what was the neighbor? Sag Harbor? Yeah. Because I call
him and I said,
oh, I'm in like, we were texting each other and I said, oh, I'm in like a
really gay city called
Provincetown. And he's like, well, you know, I'm in Sag Harbor right now. And
apparently,
you know, back in the day, this is where the gays used to come. So in a way.
And I'm trying to bring it
back. You and I were like at the same place. Listen, I'm actually thinking
about it. Surprise,
you weren't in P-Town. I'd love to be. I'm thinking about it now. Today's
Friday. I think
it was actually Monday of this week. I might still actively have COVID. But hey,
whatever,
man. It's like, you know, if I have it and you have it. I had it for sure. In
April, I started
my Europe tour and I get to Manchester sick as a dog. But I gave myself two
days to kind
of adjust time-wise. I just sat in bed for two days and I swear, three days I
was fine.
Back up and running. I've never had it. Never? Not once. I think he's got it
right
now, if I'm being honest with you. I might. I might. It's just allergies. It's
just that time
of year. It's just the pollen. You've made it because I was holding on. I didn't.
The first
time I got it was like late 2023. But you're holding on. I mean, it's late 2024
now.
Never had it. The only time I might have had it was in Ireland. Maybe. What
were you feeling
that you thought you had it? I didn't lose my taste. I was going to say you
were banging
out Guinness. What are we talking about? I didn't lose taste. I didn't lose
smell. I
didn't have a fever. I just had like a bad head cold. I had the original. I had
what I
call COVID Y2K. I had it in March of 2020. And it's so funny because gays, we
always get
everything first because all my straight friends were like, oh my God, it's
coming. And we
were like, it's fine. You'll be okay. Yeah. We'll survive. All right. Okay.
Well, glad
you came and got us all sick. Really appreciate that. Thank you, Chrissy. No
problem. One of the things we have been doing on the show since the last time
you
guys have been here is, which has become big, is finding out if you're the
notable
alum on Wikipedia from your high school. Nice. What was your high school? Archbishop
Malloy High School. Archbishop Malloy, New York and Queens. Queens, Briarwood,
baby. Not
for school, but for life. What do you got, Luke? That's the motto. This is the
first time
it happened. I Googled Chris DiStefano High School and it came up Archbishop
Malloy.
Oh. So he was an athlete. That is. There you go. Oh yeah, he was a ball player.
Yes. Did
I, I don't know if I'm unnotable alumni though. Go to Wikipedia and see. I didn't
know that
was a thing. I might. Also, do you say Wikipedia or Wikipedia? Wikipedia. I
would say, you
ready for this? I say Wikipedia, but WikiFeet. That's the creeper. From the
freak stuff. I like
it. Chris DiStefano, comedian. This is a long list. Yeah. I'm unnotable alumni
though.
For sure. Bang. Who else was on there? There you go, dude. A lot of NBA players.
Moses
Brown, Cole Anthony. Ray Romano went there. He didn't graduate, but he did go
for two years.
Really? Really? Ray Romano went. He's a high school dropout? Ray Romano's a
high school,
high school dropout. No shit. No graduation. Did you play with anybody that
went to the NBA?
Sonata Gaines went to the NBA. Mike Baxter went to major leagues. Who else was
there? We
had, I think, a swimmer, a big time swimmer. Gilberto Val, the cannibal cop. Oh,
no shit.
Who's that? In my homeroom, baby. No way. That's notable alum. What? That's
great. Is he on
there? The cannibal cop? Cannibal cop? You don't know that story? He's gotta be.
I don't
remember that Fox series. No, no, no. That was real shit, right? Yeah. Was it
James Spader
in that? Yeah. Uh, no. He was a New York cop. Right. From Queens. Yeah. And, uh,
he was
getting, his fetish was, like, killing a woman and then eating her. And he,
like, got to the
point where, like, he, like, drove down to Baltimore or something, tracked her
down, and
was like, he had a girl in mind, and then it all came out, and he got caught.
He's like,
that's just a fetish. It was just a fetish. I wasn't gonna do it. He was, he, I
think the
issue was he used, like, the NYPD database to, like, track women, and he got,
you know, he
got arrested and convicted. I think he was in prison for life, but he's out now.
It got
overturned because I, it was, um, if you watch the documentary, it was, like,
one of the first
cases in U.S. history that they were able to kind of say this was just a
thought crime. Yeah,
they were calling it, like, the thought police. Yes. So he never really
committed a crime. He
never committed, well, the only crime he committed was using the NYPD database,
so he was fired
from the NYPD, but there actually wasn't a rule in our defined laws that say
that he should be in
prison because it was like. Dude's just a freak. What do you want? Because it's,
like,
the thing is, like, if I'm thinking of, if I'm, you know, thinking of writing
down, thinking
of, like, making a bomb, but I never make the bomb, am I a terrorist, or am I a
thought
terrorist? Right, like, if they can find your manifesto. Exactly. Depends what
you look
like. That's like Minority Report. Before you do it, they get you. Yeah. And he
was your
age? He was in my homeroom. That's crazy. We were all high school, you know, knuckleheads.
Was he nice? Yeah, he was a nice kid. He was a good baseball player. Kept licking
me. Kid could hit,
kid could hit, kid could hit shot, bro. Kid had a nice, nice arm. Okay. Yeah.
And then
where did you go to high school? John Hersey High School in Arlington Heights,
Illinois. John
Hersey, who was John Hersey? Do you know? Some f***er. Okay. Was that a
Catholic school
too? No, public school. Catholic. My parents couldn't afford it. You should be
up there.
You're already accomplished, moving tickets. Look at his eyes squinting. Mateo
Lane, American
Comedian. Whoa! But is it on? The boys! So on the Wikipedia of the high school,
they put
down like- The not