Name: Are You Garbage & Friends #1: Mark Normand | Ari Shaffir | Big Jay Oakerson | Stand Up Comedy
Uploaded: 2024-09-12T23:00:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Are You Garbage & Friends #1: Mark Normand | Ari Shaffir | Big Jay Oakerson | Stand Up Comedy' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-09-12.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Are You Garbage & Friends #1: Mark Normand | Ari Shaffir | Big Jay Oakerson | Stand Up Comedy' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-09-12.

Are You Garbage & Friends #1: Mark Normand | Ari Shaffir | Big Jay Oakerson | Stand Up Comedy

Are you garbage if you donate blood for the sole purpose of thinking they'll
probably call you if you have something serious?
Help me welcome the host of R U Garbage, H Foley and Kevin Lyon, everybody!
Do you guys want to play a little R U Garbage?
This, I mean, this name alone, where's Christopher Cagniano?
Of Cagniano Ford in East Rutherford, New Jersey, where the deals are crazy
because the cars are stolen.
Oh, he's at the mic. Damn, you move quick, Chrissy.
What do you do for a living, buddy?
I work in tech.
What's that mean?
Strategy.
I steal TVs.
No, no, I work in, like, strategy for a tech company.
Strategy tech?
You would know the name.
None of that's added up. I love it.
It's a food delivery company.
You're a seamless driver.
That's what I'm picking up, dude. I've done it. I ain't hating, but I know a
fellow DoorDash man when I see one.
You might have hit on it right there.
Absolutely.
Man, this is Chris from Food Tech Strategy. I have your Wendy's orders out by
the front of the door.
They ate half your fries. Sorry.
Chris's question. Is it trash to shower before bed, then put on cologne?
You never know if these broads are going to show up.
Yeah, that's trashy, dude. I hate to bring it to you.
It's not great.
Let Chris hear it one time, buddy. Thank you so much.
Give it up for Chris, everybody.
Thank you, brother.
Gang, we're going to bring out our first guest.
He is one of the hosts of Tuesdays with Stories.
He performs all over.
You love him, but we love him.
Give it up for Mr. Mark.
Hey, we're really doing it.
Here we are.
We just slowly back away.
Take it away, Norman.
How about that RFK, huh?
Endorse Trump.
That was fun, yeah.
Trump got shot.
RFK was like, hey, it feels like family.
I would love it if he just started doing an hour.
He just does an hour.
Woo, you guys are tough, but I'll get you.
All right, let's get into it.
Okay, here we go.
Let's get to it.
Let's get to it.
All right, where is Chris Esposito?
Hey, Esposito.
Let Chris hear it one time, everybody.
Give it up for him.
Where are you from, brother?
I'm from Queens.
Shout out to it.
What do you do for a living?
I'm a licensed funeral director.
What?
Holy shit.
Wow.
That's it.
You ever steal a watch?
No, no, no, no.
Did you ever sneak a peek?
Yeah.
What about the ladies, huh?
Are you, do you touch, do you deal with the body or are you just the guy at the
place?
No, I do everything.
Whoa.
What do you think, he's the maitre d?
I don't know.
I'm the hostess at a funeral home.
It's good tips.
During COVID, were you coughing?
All right.
All right.
I'm sorry.
Okay.
All right.
Do you ever drive the hearse?
Yeah, I drive the hearse.
Really?
Everything.
I pick people up from where they pass away.
Whoa.
Make arrangements, drive the hearse, bury people.
You got dibs on Biden?
That's coming.
He's just following them in the hearse.
One of these days, I'll get you, Joey.
Yeah.
Tick tock, tick tock.
So did you and your, you live with both of your parents?
Yep.
Are you in the same room you grew up in?
Yeah.
Oof.
But I got rid of the race car bed, so.
What's on the walls?
Cum?
No, just, uh.
I work weekends.
I don't have a dating life.
This guy loves cum.
Have you gotten in a casket for fun?
I actually do have two caskets in my house.
They were, they're like coffin shaped, so I took it home.
Whoa.
That doesn't make it any better.
Well, you can make furniture out of it.
Wait, why'd you take them home?
Uh, because it's the shape of like an actual coffin from like,
they were shipped from around the world.
They came to us.
Oh, boy.
Yeah, we can't use them, so.
How do your parents feel about having two coffins in their house
with their names on them?
Ma, this one's going to be yours.
Yeah.
What do you have them in the basement?
Yeah, yeah, they're just stored away.
Okay.
Whoa.
The basement's not finished?
No.
Okay, you just have them thrown down in the basement.
Okay.
God, is that legal?
What the fuck?
You got coffins in your house?
Yeah, you can have a funeral in your house.
You can have a wake in your house.
There's no laws against it.
Whoa.
You ever, uh.
You ever fuck a goth chick?
No, no.
Oh, the coffin would be a good in with that, though.
Yeah, that's a lock.
Chris seems to have been jammed up most of his life,
because his question is,
Are you garbage if you get selected to go on people's court
because your father bounced a check to pay for your Little League team?
Your dad's been behind the eight ball for a minute, dude.
I own half a Little League team and the house.
You got to explain that a little bit for us.
I went down to a tryout.
We should have known something was up.
I was the only person at the tryout.
Whoa, man.
The guy was late for the tryouts.
He just hit some ground balls.
We talked about it.
He was like, yeah, you made the team.
My dad gave him a check.
The check bounced.
And then we ended up, I guess because it went through the courts,
they selected it for the people's court.
So we went down to the people's court,
and it turns out the guy was one of my umpires in high school.
I can't tell who's scamming who.
I don't know what the hell's going on.
It sounded like you showed up to a porn shoot.
Yeah, I was in an open field, a baseball field.
Was there an actual team?
Apparently there was a team, but no one showed up.
It was just...
Just two broke scumbags trying to rip each other off.
And you hitting dingers.
Let Chris hear it one more time, guys.
Fucking awesome.
Home run, baby.
And then that's it for Mark Norman, gang.
Let him hear it one fucking time.
Hey, thank you.
Comedy.
Brother, love you.
Thank you so much.
Love you, buddy.
Thank you so much.
Mark Norman, let him fucking hear it.
Happy comedy.
Thank you.
Which brings us to our next guest, ladies and gentlemen.
He is the host of the UB Trippin' podcast.
Give it up for the one, the only, Mr. Ari Shaffir, everybody.
That's Ari Shaffir, ladies and gentlemen.
That's all, buddy.
That's right there.
Ari motherfucking Shaffir.
What's going on, boys?
Wait, does half of your face?
What the fuck?
What, are you fighting Batman?
Dude, I was with you nine hours ago, and that wasn't like that.
Yeah, well, you know, things change.
People change.
What the fuck?
What?
What?
I got a haircut.
What don't you understand?
Okay.
You look like a car salesman in hell.
Welcome to Ari's.
Can I interest you in a fork up the ass?
What the fuck?
How's the show going so far?
I heard this guy's been a fucking problem.
It's pretty good.
It's good, buddy.
I can't fucking look at you, dude.
You look like five different people right now.
I got to do this.
I got to do this.
You came in with real RA vibes, too.
What are you guys doing in here, huh?
How are you guys smoking weed?
Is that what you're doing, smoking weed?
Ari Shaffir, everybody.
One more time.
Good to be here.
Okay, where is Mark K at?
Give him a big round of applause.
Let him hear me one time, gang.
God damn, you're a big motherfucker, ain't you?
How tall are you?
5'11".
Okay.
All right, that's not kind of average.
What are you wearing, Tim's?
You must be on that farm country diet to get off that 5'11".
Where are you from, buddy?
Hamilton, New Jersey.
Hamilton, New Jersey.
Shout out to it.
Okay.
And what do you do for a living?
Bit of a hiatus right now.
That's what we're looking for.
Nice.
Whose idea was the hiatus?
Whose choice was it?
What did you do, Mark?
I was a public employee.
Sounds serious and mysterious.
Yeah, that's not great when they fire you.
I was a public employee.
What is that?
What were you doing?
Crossing guard.
You got fired for being a fucking crossing guard?
How many kids got killed?
Yeah.
I hope it's under one a day.
Did you decide to leave the job or did they terminate you?
They terminated me.
Whoa.
And you were really a crossing guard?
No call, no show.
You no call, no show to fucking help kids across the street?
They're just standing there.
They're just piling up.
You don't know where the fucking school is by now, you dumb little fucker?
They're still there waiting.
I'm nursing a hangover over here.
To this day, they're waiting to cross that street.
Did they take your stop sign paddle away?
Yeah.
And your vest?
Did they bring you and rip it off you?
Get out of my sight.
When you lose a child, like when a kid dies, does it always have that tricycle
with the
one wheel spinning?
Is it like every movie we've ever seen?
I can't get a fucking read on this guy.
No, I can't either.
I mean, he no call, no show to his fucking crossing guard job.
How are the finances?
Did he have some saved up, some savings?
Yeah, we're pretty good.
My wife's the breadwinner.
Your wife's the breadwinner.
Okay.
What is she?
Yeah, dude, you were working 30 minutes a day.
Yeah.
Nobody thought you were raking in the fucking cash.
And only half the year.
What the fuck?
Yeah, you worked nine months.
Dude, you worked 90 hours a year.
If it paid you 50 bucks an hour, you would be broken a day.
Yeah, dude.
That's crazy.
What was the situation the night before you called no show?
Were you done with it?
And like, I don't feel like doing it?
Or were you hung over?
What was it?
Yeah, she was making a lot of money.
And we were kind of looking at it.
We're like, ah, fuck it.
Wait, you guys made this as a married couple decision?
Yeah.
Oh, you're both fucking dirtbags.
You got kids, Mark?
Yeah.
How the fuck they get to school?
Yeah.
So what do you think you want to do now?
What are you looking at, thinking about doing?
Thinking of being a bus safety or something?
I have no idea.
All right, what do you have?
Do you have a degree in anything?
I have three years of college.
Three years of college.
That's a certain way to put that.
Yeah.
He says he's close.
I'm sure his wife's like, get back, go back, get it.
Just get it.
Is that an option, going back to school?
Yeah, I could finish it out.
Bro, you would crush so much puss right now in college.
Move into the dorms, get on the football team.
Confident guy like you, no speech problems.
You would clean up.
Do you have to do chores around the house now
when your wife's at work since you're not working?
Yeah, I miss their mom at home right now.
Okay, take care of the kids.
You do the dishes, all that kind of stuff?
Yep, mow the lawn, all that.
What's your allowance?
13 bucks a week?
What is it, half your age?
You tell me there, Marky.
Are you allowed to have friends over
when your wife's at work?
Man.
Oh.
You're all right, dude.
I'll tell you that.
You're all right.
All right.
Fucking strap in.
These are his questions now?
This one's his.
Are you garbage if you donate blood
for the sole purpose of thinking
they'll probably call you
if you have something serious?
I lost my health insurance.
That's a guy who no calls
and no shows on a bunch of little kids.
Let him fucking hear it one time, gang.
Mark, thank you.
Come run, big dog.
They have to tell you.
It's the Hippocratic Oath.
All right, where's Brittany C?
How are you, Britt?
I'm good.
Thanks for coming.
Who are you here with, love?
My husband.
How long have you been married?
Only five years.
Ease up, buddy.
They're happy.
Hey, relax, tubby, all right?
She's taken.
King-sized bed at the house?
Cali King.
Cali King.
Cali King.
All right.
Wow.
Woo.
Wow.
That's not bad.
Look how impressed everybody was in that.
More than anything else
that he thinks said tonight.
They're like, wow.
Do you guys have kids?
No.
No kids.
Anyone in the family ever have an above,
not an above,
a standalone hot tub?
Yes.
Who?
My dad.
Yikes.
Your dad.
Not your family.
Just your dad.
Just your dad.
Thank you.
Very, Ari.
Very good point.
Brittany, have you pinky-sweared anybody
in the last 365 days?
I don't think so.
No?
Have you been to a Marshalls
or a Ross Dress for Less
in the past year?
Yesterday.
Today?
Yesterday.
Yesterday.
I smelled it on you.
What'd you pick up?
I didn't get anything.
Ah, just browsing, huh?
Yeah.
Just browsing the Ross Dress for Less.
I've changed my mind, Ross.
Five dollar bid.
I remember it was a four dollar bid.
Yeah.
When's the last ti