Name: Jordan Jensen | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast
Uploaded: 2024-11-07T00:00:15.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Jordan Jensen | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-11-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Jordan Jensen | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-11-07. Transcript available.

Jordan Jensen | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast

Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage?
The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals
or absolute trash.
Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast.
This is Are You Garbage?
Oh, yeah.
Well, show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find out they grow
to be classy.
Yeah.
Welcome back to just a big old piece of trash.
Trash, trash, trash.
I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day.
We're out back here at Tootie's in the new edition.
She's out in the garage huffing gas.
Okay, good for her.
A little afternoon snack for her.
Good for her.
My co-host is coming at you from right next to me, unamused this week.
He is the CEO of Are You Garbage?
He is an international businessman and my best pal in the whole wide world.
Give it up for KJ, Kevin James Ryan.
What up, everybody?
Thanks for tuning in.
As always, please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes.
Full video available on YouTube.
And obviously the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com slash are you
garbage.
You go over there, you get all that bonus content, gang.
Gang, we couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly, and I mean incredibly
special guest here with us today for the first time.
She is a very funny, very successful stand-up comedian and podcaster.
She tours all over.
You can hear her every week on Bein' Ian with Jordan, and she's got her own pod,
R.I.P.
Give it up for the one and the only, Jordan Jensen, everybody.
There she is.
Finally.
Most requested guest.
Yes.
Happy to have you.
They've been begging for you.
Of course.
That's because I know I'm trash.
Yes.
Which I think everybody knows you're trash.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's going to be a home run.
Yeah.
I don't have anybody fooled.
Try as I might.
Give us the backstory.
What's the origin story?
Upstate New York.
Growing up.
Upstate.
Deep upstate.
Where at?
Well, here's the thing.
Father and Lansing.
Father, mother, and Lansing have a contracting business.
Start a farm.
Lansing, is that New York?
Yeah.
It's outside of Ithaca.
Okay.
You say Lansing like it's fucking old.
It's bad.
It's very tiny, one stoplight, shitty.
And then, so they have a farm where they have goats.
They meet playing rugby.
My dad is my mom's rugby coach.
What?
What?
How did he not know she'd become a lesbian?
It's a small town.
They got to recruit everybody.
They both went to Cornell.
Wow.
Really?
Yes.
So they're learned people.
They are.
Did they grow up there in Lansing?
My dad grew up in Chicago.
Okay.
My mom grew up in Lansing.
Why'd your dad move there?
To go to Cornell.
Oh.
Yeah.
Gotcha.
So this is the very weird thing.
They are like people who have an education and somehow manage to be very trashy.
It's very interesting.
They're like farm people more than anything.
And then, so then they had a farm together.
They accidentally had two children.
And the farm was goats.
It was a goat farm?
It was horses that they would, my dad broke horses for a man named Cowboy Rick.
Shout out.
Oh shit.
Broke them, like rode them to control them.
Yeah.
Whoa.
It was hot.
Race horses?
That is pretty hot.
Yeah.
Race horses?
Um, race horses, yeah, thoroughbred race horses.
No shit.
And horses just for like people to ride.
Was he like a tough guy?
He had to be.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean, breaking horses, that's like the baddest cowboy on the fucking farm
does that.
How do you go from Cornell to breaking horses?
See, my dad was like, he was one of these dudes who went to Cornell to be like,
I'm going
to be a journalist to fight the war in Vietnam and talk all about how like
peace should happen.
And then he was like not very good at that.
So then he just bought a farm.
Change of plan, horses.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So then he became a contractor and was just like building houses around Ithaca
and Lansing.
And then my mom got addicted to building houses with him.
Okay.
Still doesn't know she's gay.
That's insane.
Still doesn't know she's gay.
Crazy.
Met her at playing rugby and she goes, please put a tool belt on me.
Had no idea.
Uh-huh.
And then just, my dad was like super, super high all the time on a huge amount
of weed.
And my mom was like, okay, this is getting boring.
I'm going to go into the city of Ithaca.
It's not a city.
Go into the city.
I'm going to paint it down red.
I'm going to go to the big city.
And then my dad was like, no, no, you're not.
And my mom was like, yes, I am.
And then my dad got super crazy.
And then my mom was like, now we're really going.
Took me and the kids.
So then I had split custody.
Like they separated at that point.
Yeah.
I'm going to the city and taking the kids.
How old are you at this point?
I'm two.
My sister's eight.
Okay.
So now we're going back and forth between like lesbian.
Well, she wasn't a lesbian yet.
Between downtown Ithaca, which is like a beautiful little like Cornell Haven.
Sure.
And white trash dad's house.
So I'm going from dad's house, getting covered in dog hair and cat piss.
That's every dad's house, by the way.
That's every dad's house.
And then going into Ithaca and having the kids be like, oh no, this is
unacceptable here.
So I have both.
My sister's white trash.
She's more Lansing bred.
And then.
Is your mom a lesbian at this time?
Not yet.
Not yet to your knowledge or not yet to anybody's knowledge.
Okay.
So she's fucking dudes left and right.
Okay.
Really?
After the divorce.
After the divorce.
She's got a couple.
A Jensen's party, dude.
Yeah.
We party.
And then she's got like boyfriends.
She's got like other contractor boyfriends.
And then she starts getting irritated because they're all very stupid.
That was her whole thing.
She's like, they're too dumb.
They can't keep up with me.
Is your mom and dad doing different contracting things at this point?
Or are they still together?
So now they are.
So it was Cosentini Jensen construction.
Okay.
Now it is Cosentini construction Jensen development.
They are now in a war.
So now.
Still?
Really?
No.
Oh, at that point.
No.
My dad is very much dead and my mom is killing it.
Okay.
And she killed him.
I respect.
Yeah.
But now they're in a war.
So now it's like if you get a house, you're either with my dad or my mom.
No shit.
Yeah.
And then at one point.
It's like Yellowstone.
No shit.
It was like Yellowstone.
Yeah.
And then my mom goes, okay, my mom gets a job for like, so they're in full war.
My dad is like trying to kill my mom.
My first memory is truly.
My first memories.
Trying to kill her?
Are my dad closing my mom in a door.
And my mom is like so diesel that she was just in the door being like, Jack,
you're being insane.
Jack, I will fuck you up if you don't let go of this door.
She's like, this is ridiculous.
Let the door go so I can kill you.
And he was so much bigger than her, but she just never, there was no phase.
There was never any like, ah.
She was always just like, get your boot out of my mouth.
Okay.
Jesus.
What the fuck?
Do you think that's a curb stomp?
Yeah.
Crazy.
This is post-divorce?
Yeah.
Post-divorce.
Wow.
So me and my sister are rats.
We're full rat children.
Uh-huh.
We're feral.
Sure.
What are you living in Ithaca?
An apartment or house?
Apartment.
It's like the divorce apartments where everybody goes.
What are those hotels they put us in sometimes with a full-size fridge?
Oh, like a-
Extended stay?
Extended stay.
Extended stay.
That's where you were living?
It was like an extended stay.
Yeah, for a bit.
Jesus.
That's like as close as I can describe it.
Why did she build you a house?
That's crazy.
Well, he did eventually.
Okay.
And then-
That's like witness protection shit.
Yeah.
Yikes.
It's called Winston Courts.
If you hear somebody go, I'm going to Winston Courts, you're like, I'm really
sorry about
your divorce.
It's like always.
And then what happens?
Oh, and then-
So then my dad is trying to kill my mom.
Oh, yeah.
Business.
They have a feuding business.
And then my mom gets a job that's like this guy who's a nightmare human being.
And he goes, I want you to build this house.
And he shows you the plans.
And it's the ugliest house you've ever seen.
No windows.
Looks like it's out of Beetlejuice.
And she goes, I have the perfect place where you should put this.
And puts it right across from my dad's farm.
Are you fucking kidding me?
It's still there.
It's the ugliest piece of shit you've ever seen.
That's diabolical.
It's so fucked up.
For years, my dad, we would go over.
He would make me get a bunch of trees, put them in plants and bring them over
and be like,
hi, as a little kid.
And be like, would you plant these trees?
Like, we want to have more foliage.
Oh, to block it off.
To block it off.
Yeah.
And the person was like, no, we like it flat and weird.
We like folded.
Was your mom there every day building the house, I guess?
Yeah.
Wow.
Yeah, totally.
What the fuck?
That's crazy.
Oh, they had beef.
And beef.
I mean, my dad went to jail because he poured paint on one of my mom's
boyfriend's cars.
What the fuck?
This is like cheaters.
That's hood rat shit.
That's nuts.
That did suck because he tried to fight that guy.
And then that guy was so tall.
I thought this was unfair.
He was too tall.
Is your dad a bigger guy?
My dad's like 6'1".
That's a big guy.
This is all after the divorce?
All after the divorce.
Crazy.
But the other guy was so tall that he just punched my dad in LA.
I remember being pissed.
Did you see this?
No, but my mom told me and my sister where my dad was.
He was in jail.
For that scrap?
Yeah.
And then we were, I remember making up a song about the boyfriend where I was
like, he's stupid and I hate him because he, but he didn't, he shouldn't have
won.
But it was like, I remember being like, my dad would have fucking killed this
guy.
Yeah, he would have got, you cheap shot at him.
And I'm four at that age being like, being like, yo, my dad could fucking kill
my mom's boyfriend.
Is he living with you guys?
Is the boyfriend living with you guys?
No, he would not.
He was a very good dude.
My mom very much loved him.
But then my mom broke up with, or he broke up with my mom because my dad was
crazy.
And he was like, I can't deal with this trash.
I'm not going to fight this guy.
Every time he gets out of jail, I'm not fighting this dude.
Slashing his tires.
What the fuck?
So, yeah, really trashy at my dad's.
A lot of barn cats.
We lived above a barn.
So my dad took a huge barn and he put little apartments up top and we lived in
those.
What was the custody?
Like every other weekend?
Every couple days a week?
It was Friday, I remember.
So Wednesday is 5.30 till the next day and then during the weekends with my dad.
Which was like, some of it was fun.
I'm sure, you're in the city and then you're like, we're going out to the
country on the weekend.
So there's no farmhouse.
He's in a barn with apartments.
There's a giant barn and then there's stables over here.
There's stables under where we lived.
A bunch of stables.
That's crazy.
So you can hear horses in your room.
I'd fucking kill myself.
I loved it.
As a little girl, I loved it.
And then something, oh yeah, lost all of our money.
Had to sell the horses.
Business went bad?
They, both of them just fucked up their business.
Both of them went too big to, I think, in beef with each other.
That's a problem with contractors.
Yes.
It's like, when it's good, that was my family.
When it's good, it's good.
And they go, this is going to be like this forever.
And you're like, it is not.
Yeah.
How did they get into that?
Did they have history with like building stuff before college?
My dad in Chicago worked for his brother-in-law who was in the union, which
then I later moved
to Chicago for three months to see if I could do construction because my whole
life hurt.
To join the union?
Well, I just wanted to see if I could hack it there because I had been doing
construction
so long for my mom and my dad that I just wanted to see if I could do it
without them
in Chicago, whi