Name: Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast: Shoplifting w/ Kippy & Foley!
Uploaded: 2024-12-05T00:00:24.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast: Shoplifting w/ Kippy & Foley!' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-12-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast: Shoplifting w/ Kippy & Foley!' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-12-05. Transcript available.

Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast: Shoplifting w/ Kippy & Foley!

Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage?
The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals
or absolute trash.
Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast.
This is Are You Garbage?
Oh, yeah.
It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find
that they're good to be classy.
Yeah.
They're just a big old piece of trash.
Trash, trash, trash.
I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day.
We're out back here at Tootie's in the new edition.
She was out late last night.
Okay.
Flash mob.
All right?
Good for her.
Flash mob.
She's starting it up, bringing it back, baby.
She shows her tits to the fucking neighborhood kids.
Causing trouble.
My co-host is coming at you from across the tables.
We call it a family episode.
Just the boys, the bozos, and the homies.
Perfect for the holiday season.
Yes, sir.
Give it up for my good pal, KJ, Kevin James Ryan, everybody.
What up, gang?
Thanks for tuning in.
As always, please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes.
Full video available on YouTube.
And obviously, the greatest website of all time.
I ain't got to tell nobody in this room.
www.patreon.com slash RU Garbage.
You go over there, you get all your bonus content, gang.
About 13,000 strong over there.
Goddamn legion.
The legions of RU Garbage.
How you feeling, Kippy?
I'm pretty good, bud.
Yeah?
Yeah, you know, off a nice little break for the turkey day.
Sure.
It's funny, you were down somewhere where there was a little sun.
Uh-huh.
I think you got paler.
Sure.
What are you wearing?
An SPF 90?
We got rained out.
I was going to save it for hard feelings.
Oh, my God.
You loser.
The kids got rained out.
Talk about overkissed.
It was all right for me.
My pale Irish skin, I ain't got to be down there.
13 Sullivans all watching Wicked.
What the hell is this?
Yeah, no.
Why is that broad green?
Well, we'll save that for-
Did you get some bad oysters?
We'll save that for hard feelings.
But, yeah, there was a-
You stink.
It was a-
It could have been sunny in 90.
You still could have would have came back pale.
No.
You don't color.
I've never seen you would have been.
I burn.
I burn.
Listen, I've burned.
We've gone over this.
And I don't know why you claim tanness as like a badge of honor.
Like a piece of sourdough.
You think it's like a cool thing.
I get a nice-
I got a little Italian blood in me.
I'm not saying you don't.
But, like, it's also not-
I got other stuff going on in my life I'm proud of.
I don't need to-
Hey, good color's important.
I'm not saying it's not.
But, yeah, no, I've learned-
This is well-documented.
I've learned to-
I'm under the umbrella.
I'm fucking-
I'm doused in fucking SPF.
I'm-
I ain't getting got again.
That melanoma goes through my family.
A couple of hot moles.
People are getting shit lopped off left and right in my family.
Oh, man.
Patty.
Jesus.
Yeah, you gotta go.
And you, like, pat them on their back.
Like, ah, my wound.
I feel like her dermatologist is gonna give her a fucking razor blade and do it
yourself,
lady.
Listen, it'll just save you a couple of bucks.
Yeah, nah, man.
We got that pale Irish skin.
You know, in the 80s and 90s, we weren't-
Irish pale ale.
We were-
And IPA.
We were in, uh, we were in suntan lotion.
Nah.
That didn't start until the mid-2000s for us.
Somebody said nothing.
I used to-
I got burnt so much.
I used to have blisters on my shoulders and stuff.
I-
I was in the winter.
I was under heat lamp.
Um, I got a little-
I got something I want to, uh,
get your opinion on-
Please.
And also, I guess, uh, all the homies and the bozos out there.
What the proper protocol?
So, yesterday, I went to, uh, I went to buy-
It's the holiday season.
Holiday season.
Happy holidays to everybody.
It is upon us.
Uh, I'm gonna-
I've decided to decorate the house this year.
Nice.
The house and the burbs.
I didn't do it last year.
We were moving.
It wasn't really done.
The whole nine yards, blah, blah, blah.
Now we're in there.
Um, we're gonna, uh, so I went and got a-
I went to Home Depot.
Home Depot.
Went down to the depot.
Madhouse in there.
Mm-hmm.
Madhouse, dude.
By the way, speaking of Home Depot, uh, I was actually at Home Depot last week.
Had a chance to pop by that Rocco's.
Man, it took everything in my power not to turn in there.
Woo-wee!
Shout out to Rocco's in front of the Home Depot's.
They know their way around an Italian sausage.
Talk about getting a little color.
How are you doing?
That kid, he knows how to put out a hot dog.
Let me tell you.
Um, so I bought a- I bought a fake Christmas tree.
Boom.
Lights and all.
Comes due to-
Now, listen.
Uh, fake tree's the way to go.
I am what I am.
Here's the thing, too.
It's not all-
Dude, you pull that thing out.
I had that thing assembled.
What'd you drop on it?
Uh, I think-
Because they're not cheap.
Which is crazy.
Well, it's not cheap.
That's why I found out that my mom always wanted one, but never got it.
I got one because they're too expensive.
She'd rather drop it.
I don't know.
400 bucks?
The highest-end one was 400.
What's yours?
What?
87?
$179.99.
Out the door.
It's got a three-year warranty.
Just a coat rack?
It's got a scarf on it.
Uh, yeah.
How tall?
Seven and a half feet.
Whoa.
The ceilings are only six feet.
I had to take some off the top.
Seven and a half?
That's an all-star right there.
Are you kidding me?
Seven and a half.
Comes with the lights already on it.
Uh-huh.
Three pieces.
Boom, boom, boom.
Pops all in.
You gotta-
You gotta tussle it up to fill out the things a little bit.
Sure.
It looks great.
Dang, gotta do-
There's no fuss, no money.
You set it and forget it with these bad boys.
But-
Throw the box in the crawl space and you're all set.
That's exactly what I did.
You have a crawl space?
Uh-huh.
Did we talk about this?
It's scary.
Oh, I don't like that.
Um, yeah.
My cousin was just talking.
My cousin has a crawl space in her house and they're thinking about maybe
selling the house
and no one's been in that crawl space since the early 80s.
I've had guys in there.
Oh.
I got one of my units.
They're like, oh, we're gonna come over and we're gonna see what's in there.
Like, no, we're not.
One of my AC units is in there.
Fucking Ark of the Covenant in that thing.
Yeah, I don't mess with it.
Okay.
But, so I bought it, right?
Threw it in the car and on my way out.
I get like a-
Is the living room you put this in?
What?
You put it in the living room?
Is that a sentence?
Is the living room you put this in?
You put the tree in the living room?
I put it in the fucking bathroom.
Yeah, I put it in the living room.
Could be in the foyer or whatever.
We do not have a-
We do not have a-
Foyer?
The foyer.
Foyer.
Yeah.
Foyer?
Yeah, we don't have one.
Yeah.
We open up and you're in it, baby.
He opens up to the bathroom.
You open the door, you're in the mix.
Yeah, I'm pooping in here, baby.
That's what I don't love about that, how you open it up and you're-
Yeah.
There's no mud room.
There's shoes everywhere.
To dogs' pockets.
Thanks.
Man, the kids that had a mud room.
I remember they had to explain that to me before I got into the house.
I remember the first time I went in, he goes, the mud room.
I go, the mud room?
They built new houses.
What are you guys up to in there?
Freaks.
Wet work.
My kind of guy.
Yeah, the mud room.
The mud room and the walk-in pantry.
Woo!
Yeah, those were the newer houses built in my area, the Toll Brother houses.
They all had the mud room and the-
Came with that big box of Twizzlers.
Set one in the pantry.
Sure.
Little Indies?
Like those.
So I bought, I throw the box, big box, in a cart, right?
I'm not going to be-
So wait, what did you-
How much was it?
$179.
$179, okay.
Yeah.
Three-year warranty.
It's got different kind of lights.
It's got solid warm white.
It's got fast-fading warm white, slow-fading warm white.
And then multicolor.
Or you can-
But you could pop it and get it really going?
It's got a remote.
And you're all smoked up.
I'm sitting there all fucking wetted out.
Having a seizure.
Welcome to my opium den.
Yeah, Merry Christmas.
That's what you want.
At Christmas tree, you got to put a wooden spoon in your mouth when you turn it
on.
Hey, we party in the birds.
You're not on a statin, are you, by any chance?
This will kill you.
You can't take heart medication, you look at that thing.
So, but I bought a-
They're not-
It's not called a tree skirt.
They're calling it something else.
It's a little, like, more, like, cardboard-y.
I know what you're talking about.
And, like, a tree skirt to me lays around.
This doesn't-
This, like, just covers the base and the stand.
We used to use newspaper.
Man, talk about a-
What, would you grow up in the Depression?
It's the rug from the bathroom that goes around the turlet.
Smells like piss.
Christmas tree collar.
Collar, which I ain't never seen before.
Oh, look at you.
How many of you-
You probably got two Christmas trees at your house, don't you?
Just the one.
You have a foyer, I would assume.
We got a foyer.
Yeah, you do.
Yeah, we got a mudroom, too.
You do, huh?
So you make the help sleep piss.
He's got a help quarters as well.
Um, we, uh, I-
So, like, I grabbed a collar, too.
Right?
Slipped in at that in the cart.
I got a crazy line.
I kept bumping the guy in front of me with my box, too.
I was hanging out the front.
You should get the trains up at your place.
What trains?
I don't know.
Get some Lionels.
Who am I, Bobby Buck?
No way.
I built a train.
Drive a Lionel up it.
I built a ramp up to your wrist.
Drive a Lionel up it.
I'm not doing the trains.
Listen, I got a lot of travel this coming, uh, holiday season.
I don't know if you know.
I'm not-
I don't have-
I don't have time for trains, all right?
I'll get that for you for Christmas.
Do not buy me a train set.
No.
Do not-
Santa's buying-
The Union Pacific.
Santa's buying the gifts this year.
Don't buy me a train set.
Hmm.
Um, uh, do not buy me a train set.
Okay.
You're here to your first, gang.
That'd be cool if we had one in here to win our round.
Yeah, like, we ain't got enough going on.
Put beers on it.
Toot, toot.
Um, so, I pay.
I get out.
I take the box out.
I realize I didn't pay for the collar, because I went through the self-checkout
line.
Kevin.
Didn't pay-
Completely unintentional here, right?
What's-
I know what I did, but what's the move there?
Go back in and you pay for it.
That's crazy, dude.
And you hit rock.
No way.
I mean, I would assume you wouldn't go back in.
A hundred percent.
You would go back in.
Yeah.
I'm a-
Listen, I'm a dirt bag.
That's not dirt bag.
That's, hey, you made me do your job.
I got out there.
I had all intentions of paying.
It was like nine bucks or something.
I don't know.
I don't know how much it was.
I didn't pay for it.
But it's like you got-
Giving away collars in there.
You got me for the 179 for the tree.
I, that's in my-
That just hurts the workers in there.
They're probably going to stiff them on the Christmas bonus, because you need
your free-
I don't think the Home Depot people are getting Christmas bonuses.
No?
From Johnny Home Depot.
No.
If they would have got me or said, oh, sir, I would have been like, oh, shit,
my bag complete.
But I'm out.
I'm in the back of the parking lot, too.
That place was jam-packed.
I ain't fucking going all the way back in.
I did return my cart to the corral.
Thank you very much.
And our guy was in there, and I said, oh, here you go, buddy.
I got one more for you.
He did not like that.
I even pushed it in for him.
I also stole two drills.
I said, I got you, bud.
But yeah, I would be curious to see-
I would go back.
The army of garbage out there, who would go back in?
I would put it at less than 10%.
That's just me personally.
I would go back, but not for the right reasons.
I would go back to help my anxiety-
Conscious.
Yeah, for other things.
You would think they're out to get you.
Yeah.
I did think this was maybe like-
So w