Name: Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast: America's Sweetheart w/ Ari Shaffir
Uploaded: 2025-01-27T00:00:18.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast: America's Sweetheart w/ Ari Shaffir' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-01-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast: America's Sweetheart w/ Ari Shaffir' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-01-27. Transcript available.

Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast: America's Sweetheart w/ Ari Shaffir

Attention, attention, Army of Garbage, the boys are back on the road for the
back on the blockboard, baby.
Talking about stand-up comedy, plus we play R U Garbage live with the crowd.
It's a great way to introduce people to the show, so grab the squad, come out
and see us.
Yeah, this March we're starting in Pontiac, Michigan, Indianapolis, Indiana,
Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Madison, Wisconsin, Minneapolis, Minnesota, Pittsburgh,
Pennsylvania, Cleveland, Ohio, Atlantic City, New Jersey, and gang, tickets are
going quick.
Get them while supplies last, the boys are coming to town.
See you out there.
Welcome to another exciting edition of R U Garbage, the show where you find out
if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash.
Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H Foley.
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast.
This is R U Garbage.
Oh, yeah.
It's a little show where you sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find
out if you're going to be classy.
Yeah.
But they're just a big old piece of trash.
Trash, trash, trash.
I'm your host, H Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day.
We're out back here at Tootie's in a new edition.
She's upstairs practicing bending spoons with her mind.
Oh.
Okay.
Is that an H Foley original?
Uri Gellar.
No.
That's some Tootie's tall can over there on the old Patreon.
I thought it was a thick piece.
He's subbed out the Tootie jokes to Patreon.
Is she using her hands?
You've got to really use her hands.
Yeah.
See, you had a thick into it.
Ari got it.
You didn't.
Sure.
This guy, you're a real popcorn kind of guy.
Ari Gellar.
Bubblegum movies.
Here's the think piece right here.
That's Tootie's tall can over there on Patreon.
Have a good time with it.
Mike Coase is coming at you from right next to me.
Extremely unamused this week.
He is the CEO of Are You Garbage?
He is an international businessman and my best pal in the whole wide world.
Word on the street, he's going to open up a Cold Stone.
Creamery.
Okay.
Kevin James Ryan, everybody.
What the fuck happened to you over the weekend?
Hey, gang.
Shout out to you.
Thanks for tuning in.
As always, make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes, full video available
on YouTube.
And obviously, the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com.
Sorry, Garbage Gang over there.
You get all that bonus content and the boys are back on the road.
They're back on the block door.
All tickets available are yougarbage.com.
Absolutely.
Again, we could be more excited to have our incredibly, and I mean incredibly
special guest
back with us again today.
He's family at this point.
Sure.
At this point, yeah.
He's been up.
He's been down.
He's been trash.
He's been class.
He's been crazy.
He's been not crazy.
He's tried to smoke in here several times, and he's got a brand new special out
right
now on Netflix that you got to check out.
Give it up for America's sweetheart, Mr. Ari Shafir.
Thank you, everybody.
There he is.
Look at him.
I'm talking to a lawyer right now about changing my name to Ari, you garbage.
That's pretty cool.
Hey, as an international businessman, I'd get on top of that.
The CEO over here, letters to Keo.
I like that.
That's good.
That's not too shabby.
You could do Ari, you Jewish.
That would be.
Yes.
I'm not, but my mother is.
That's a think piece.
Talk about thinkers.
That's not bad.
You guys are going highbrow now.
I know.
I'm trying to.
I'm trying to.
I did this guy over here.
You went from unibrow to highbrow.
I like it.
I still got a uni cook in a little bit.
I used to tweeze mine in high school.
That was my big thing.
Really?
Yeah.
Tweeze that I was doing in high school was bad.
I look like that.
It just freed up on its own?
Yeah.
It just kind of, I think from doing it so much, it went away.
Your body was like, we get it.
Yeah, we get it.
Yeah.
How else would you do it?
Shave it?
Yeah, I shaved it sometimes.
That was bad.
Yeah, but you get nicked up on that.
Get Toody on to wish it off.
Were you a unibrow kid?
I could peg you as a, you're a hairy man.
No.
None?
No, no.
I got hair in other places.
Got good separation.
You have hair on your shoulders?
Yeah, yeah.
Did you have the, on your shoulders in high school?
No, it came afterwards because God sucks.
You must have been.
Oh, nowhere else I could think that I'd want more hair.
More patchy hair.
You must have been an odd looking kid.
I have to say this is.
14, 15.
This is my favorite Ari look.
You look like a good looking guy here.
Standard balding gym.
It's pretty good.
Bald, but cool.
It's still pretty good.
Sometimes you come in, it looks like you came in out of the fucking subway
tunnel.
Nine different people.
Sometimes I'm haggard.
Sometimes.
I get that homeless look going if I don't shave.
It's a coin flip of what Ari you're going to get.
Yeah, you can look very debonair and suave.
And even when you shave the top, sometimes that looks better.
Yeah.
You look put together.
The best was at Norman's bachelor party.
I had the fully shaved top, sides.
Like the crown?
Yeah, you look kind of good with that.
Yeah.
It's funny.
Yeah, I extra shaved it.
Extra balded it.
I mean, imagine him 14, 15.
It was like the AYG in Frenzy.
Came in side faced.
Two faced it.
Oh, I had hair back then.
And then kept it for months you had to do.
Oh, the half and half?
The half and half.
Oh, the half and half ruled.
Yeah, you kept that weight too long.
Drunk white chicks loved it.
They were fighting with their boyfriends on the street.
Like, no, you're a piece of shit.
You're a fan.
Oh, my God.
I love it.
Two different people.
Let's go take a picture with this semi-homeless man.
That or, like, little kids, little 12-year-old boys, they would stare at me,
and they'd go
to their mom.
They wouldn't even take their eyes off me.
They'd just go.
Like a horror movie when, like, the UFO's coming in?
I get that sometimes from little kids.
They look at me like that.
Yeah.
I've seen it.
How come there's so much of that, man?
Yeah.
One kid, one time, I was, uh...
Put a dollar in your belly button?
Like the Western Wall?
The Predator Foley?
The Wailing Wall?
Stuff and notes.
Put a little notes in his folds.
I got Japanese tourists climbing on me.
Get off me!
I just want world peace.
Beat it.
No, I was, uh...
Trying to take a nap here.
You know those things that you shower in after, when you're done on the beach?
Like, the little, like, public little sprinklers?
I was in one of those.
I was rinsing off some sand on me.
Because I had been rolling around on the beach.
And some Dorito dust on my back I couldn't get.
It's like a dog, you get in there and just, like...
Woo, shake.
I'm biting at it.
And this kid was, like, uh...
This kid pointed at me and he goes,
Mommy, why is his belly so big?
Oh, that hurts.
Because your mom's a whore.
Because your dad left.
And I'll beat it.
What did you do?
Did you go, I keep kidding.
You started laughing.
You know, you gotta play.
You're little kids, you gotta play along.
I've been called Santa Claus a couple of times.
Mommy, is that Santa Claus?
Or Daddy, is that Santa Claus?
And you're on the bad list.
Man.
You're so fat, you're getting mistaken for fake guys.
That's crazy.
Mythical characters.
Mythical flesh.
It's not even a regular fat.
You can't even be like, Governor Christie.
Yeah, it's like, it's not even real people.
What little kid's gonna know that?
That guy was all over the news.
The fucking Bridgegate?
Are you kidding me?
Bridgegate completely killed your beach.
Wildwood went down.
No, that's not Bridgegate.
Bridgegate was like, nobody could vacation that week.
No, Bridgegate was here.
It was the GWB.
Yeah, he was jamming it up.
He was fighting with Edgewater or somewhere.
Fort Lee.
Fort Lee.
And shut down one of the lanes on the bridge, which just fucking-
Oh, annihilated it.
Just crushed the town on the other side.
I gotta tell you, I respect the movie.
Respect it.
Fucking over a whole fucking region.
100%.
If you're, dude, if you're in an office like that and you're not playing
fucking chess with
the roadways, you're crazy.
Gotta go hardball.
100%.
Sure, okay.
Shut down the Empire State Building one day.
It's engaged.
Put fucking cones up everywhere.
The line's gonna be six blocks long to get to the top.
Fix them.
Oh, God.
Buddy, can we tell you this?
Yeah.
We love you.
Yeah, I love you guys too.
Congrats on the spesh.
And that's all the time we have for that.
A hot seven minutes.
Are you leaving, huh?
Thank you very much.
I appreciate it.
I'm glad it finally came out.
Happy for you.
It looks beautiful.
It's fantastic.
Again, wild set design.
Yeah, right?
That's insane.
Yeah, the eyes are on us.
We either gotta, like, top it or we gotta do, like, a blank white, like, holodeck
wall.
Mm-hmm.
And, like, let's go for it.
Yeah.
I mean, Ari Schaffer, guy takes chances.
The guy's out there creating.
Big swings.
Taking swings.
Goddamn artist he is.
Where do you lock down something like that?
I met Aaron Judge.
We were there for that.
And you turned into a dim-witted 12-year-old when that happened.
I don't remember any of that.
Hey, Mr. Judge.
This podcast continues to be full of lies.
Where do you-
I was.
I was a bubbling idiot.
Where'd you score that kind of greenery?
I had to source it.
It cost a bank load.
Was it fake or was it-
All real.
No, it was all real plants.
You could hear in the beginning of the special, my nose a little stuffed up
from the pollen.
Oh, my God.
That's how real it was.
It looked like you were in a video game.
Is that another Benadryl?
Yep.
We had those big elephant ear plants like that one, but real.
Those are real.
We have someone come in and prune those every day, Ari.
Yeah, every two weeks.
They're real.
Ari, you don't know nothing about horticulture.
Don't touch it.
This guy's name is Steven.
Ari, don't touch it.
They're poisonous, Ari!
Oh, my God.
You just killed us all.
I'm more interested in whores of culture.
Oh, my God.
No, they weren't all real.
There's no way.
Yeah, all real.
You just threw all that out?
Did everybody get to take it home like a centerpiece at a wedding?
Yeah, the flowers we made centerpieces out of it, gave it out to the crew.
The elephant ear stuff, those will live for like 50 years.
Those went back, and they'll use it for other stuff, for weddings and stuff.
That's pretty cute.
I like that.
Yeah, they went nuts.
Foundry design, design foundry.
They were like, I told them at the end, you can do this for like about-
I'm like, oh, that's not.
That's like seven plants.
No way.
Because that's very in style these days, is to have a wall of green hair.
Did you know that?
I was taking pictures everywhere.
Everywhere I went, I'd see something like that.
I was taking pictures for like effect, but then-
A living wall, they call it, I believe.
Yeah.
Some call you that as well.
All right.
Back on the wall jokes.
Goddamn kids.
The kids are firing today, gang.
Yeah, but we told them what I wanted.
I sent them the material.
They're like, oh, this is cool.
All right, you know what?
Let's go nuts.
And they just on their own, just kind of like went above and beyond.
Very classy of you.
Can I tell you that?
Whoa.
That's one point in your favor.
That's all I've ever wanted.
One point.
You are a classy guy when it comes to friendship and unity.
Sure.
And stuff like that.
U-N-R-T-Y, S-T-U-F-F.
You're a nice guy.
Hygiene, dress, not so much.
Everywhere.
Then it really falls apart into like, you know, crackheadiness.
Yeah.
I tried a year ago.
You're reminding me that.
I was like, let me try no deodorant for a bit.
What the fuck?
I was like, I'm going to shower every day.
Let me see if I could do it.
And then the thing is, I wouldn't shower every day.
It's like those people who go like, I can't afford this new apartment.
I'll just quit smoking and I'll have extra money.
Yeah, good luck.
That's a great plan.
Nobody's ever done that.
Yeah.
That's crazy.
But yeah, then I was like.
Start smoking work because of the stress.
I know.
I can't cover this rent on 