Name: Christina P | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast
Uploaded: 2025-02-17T00:00:16.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Christina P | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-02-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Christina P | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-02-17. Transcript available.

Christina P | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast

Kemp, can you see this? We got this Route 66 special dropping.
You ain't lying, big man. We got the live shows from every city on the tour,
plus the boys on the bus seeing this great country of ours.
It's dropping February 25th on our YouTube page.
Make sure you tune in to the live premiere.
Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage?
The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals
or absolute trash.
Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast.
This is Are You Garbage?
Oh, yeah.
It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians,
and we find out if they're going to be classy.
Yeah.
If they're just a big old piece of trash.
Trash, trash, trash.
I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day.
We're down here in Tejas, Texas, baby.
Austin D., Tootie South.
She's out doing a little speculating.
I want to be a land man down here.
She lives at Billy Bob Thornton.
We're down here in Austin, Texas.
My co-host is coming at you from right next to me.
He is the CEO of Are You Garbage?
What?
He is an international businessman, and my best pal in the whole wide world.
Give it up for KJ.
Kevin James Ryan, everybody.
What up, everybody?
Thanks for tuning in.
As always, please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes.
Full video available on YouTube.
And now Spotify.
Shout out to it.
Video on Spotify.
The specials drop in February 25th.
Make sure you subscribe to the YouTube page, the whole nine yards.
We love yous.
Yeah, we love you.
And gang, we couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly, and I mean
incredibly special guest
here with us today for the first time.
Thank you.
She is a very funny, very successful stand-up comedian, podcaster, writer,
producer, and
small business owner.
And you might have seen her in it, but not limited to, you got Last Comic
Standing, you
got Chelsea Laney, you got World's Dumbest, the Degenerate.
Those are deep cuts.
Lights Out with David Spade.
Let's not forget 2019's Countdown.
How you doing?
Oscar snub right there.
All right.
Is it Cake?
WTF?
The Comedy Store.
She has not one, but two amazing specials streaming on Netflix.
Mother Inferior and Mom Jeans.
And of course, she is the co-host of Your Mom's House and the co-owner and
operator of
the industry titan YMH Studios.
But the big question in my mind today, is she garbage?
First guest to ever come in here straight from the ER.
I mean, that's a first.
With Stitches.
Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Christina P, everybody.
Yes, thank you.
Let's go.
Thank you.
Talk about the duality of man.
Look at that.
The rock on the finger with the ace bandage wrapped around it.
I know.
What happened?
Well, first of all, I'm so excited to be here.
Thank you.
My husband has told me forever to come on the show and do it because he is sure
that I
will be the garbage-iest guest.
Buddy, you're going to be up there.
Most requested guest and it's not even close.
Oh, I can't wait.
So the hand.
Okay.
So we live in Texas.
There's snakes in the backyard.
Awesome.
This morning, I found a copperhead and I was like-
A poisonous snake.
Yes.
We're not talking about a gardener's snake or something like that.
No.
Copperhead's in the backyard.
They're everywhere.
What are you doing back there?
Well, you play with the kids in the morning before school.
You got to move.
This is nuts.
Yeah.
That's crazy.
They don't leave.
So what I do is I pick them up.
I milk them, which I learned to do in Australia when I did road rules in the 90s.
Sure.
And I go to milk-
I mean, you casually say that.
What does that look like and what does-
You're like, nobody's like, oh yeah, you're just milking copperheads that you
find.
Dude, that's crazy.
Yeah.
So I pick it up and you get a glass and you just-
You pop it onto the edge of the glass and the venom comes out.
Like Steve Irwin would do.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I go to do it.
I go to grab its neck because I've secured it because you put like a rod and
you secure
the head.
I pick it up and it got me.
It got me right there.
Wait, you got bit?
Yeah.
I was told you got cut.
Cut?
No, no.
You have an active snake bite right now?
Yeah, of course.
Did you get anti-venom or whatever?
Yes.
And it's going to make me a little sleepy so if I drift off-
What the fuck?
Wait, you're fucking with this, right?
You sprained your hand at the gym.
Of course I'm fucking with this.
Okay.
Oh, you son of a bitch.
Jesus Christ, dude.
Man, I believe you.
That was so fun.
You got to be kidding me.
I believe that 100%.
No, I'm so sad.
Because there are snakes and spiders down here.
So many.
That's why you'll never find my fat ass living here.
No, I'll tell you what really happened.
Okay, so my kids are garbage.
Oh, is that yoga?
Yeah, no.
No, it's kind of a garbagey, garbagey thing.
So my two sons play with knives all the time.
What are they, in the circus?
What?
I mean, aren't they like eight and five?
That's, I mean.
They're nine and six.
Oh, it's way off.
And they love playing with knives.
And last night, my older boy was cutting some box open with a knife.
And I was like, give that to me, Ellis.
And I go to grab the knife and he just jerks it back and then it just slices my
hand open.
So instead of getting bit by a cottonmouth, you were stabbed by your son.
I don't know what's worse.
He got into a knife fight with a nine-year-old.
You were trying to disarm a nine-year-old.
Wait, hold on a second.
Yeah.
They like to play with knives, but you don't.
Yeah.
Do you buy them knives or are they like kitchen knives?
Buy them knives?
I don't know what these people are doing.
Don't take the kids away.
Wait, you just walk in and catch them.
Like, what are you doing?
So we have knives in our kitchen, like cutting, normal cutting.
Like steak knives or whatever.
Yeah.
It's like, actually, there are like the Cutco ones, the ones that they sell
door-to-door,
which I love.
The pyramid scheme ones.
Those are the best.
That was one of the first AYG questions.
Have you ever tried to sell Cutco knives?
Which a lot of people have done.
No, but I was this close to selling Tupperware.
Oh, my God.
Because I went to a Tupperware party and I was like, this stuff's really good.
Practically sells itself.
Maybe like, oh, two.
Remember when Avon was banging?
Of course.
When the mom sold Avon?
Skin So Soft.
Remember Skin So Soft?
That shit kept everything away.
Did your mom sell Avon?
She didn't, but she was a big purchaser of Skin So Soft, used as an insect repellent.
Bug spray.
We used to use it as bug spray in Philadelphia for some reason.
It had that funk to it.
I don't know what it was.
Mosquitoes hated it.
A lot of microplastics.
Chicks, too.
It wasn't good.
No, nothing was good in the 80s.
No.
Or the 90s.
Okay.
So go ahead.
Okay.
So anyway, just, you know, just knives and they-
This is last night.
This is last night.
Ellis, can you open up this Amazon box?
Okay, mom, I'll do it.
And instead of grabbing scissors or whatever, he just grabs a kitchen knife and
I'm like,
no, no, no, not that one, bro.
And I go to grab it and he, you know, just wants the knife and it-
How bad of a slice?
Because you just got out of the ER right now.
So you wrote it out for the night?
Oh, man, you are trash.
You got cash.
What are you doing?
Because I'm-
See, this is what I was-
I want to talk to you guys about.
There's two types of trash.
Hold on.
These problems are above our pay grade.
This isn't terrible.
I think there's like-
I got an Adderall upstairs if you want it.
That's the best we can do for you.
There's like American trash.
I feel like this is-
Because this isn't our typical set.
I feel like we're sitting down with a murderer.
Like, we're over here.
She's over there with an active wound.
And we're like, so where was the knife when you entered the room?
Christina, what are you doing here?
That's the thing.
But I'm Euro trash.
Oh, yes.
Which we want to get into.
Yeah, we want to get into this.
But this is different.
Because in my mind, if I have cuts and just bleeding all night,
which it was bleeding all night.
Bleeding all night.
All night.
It was red and wet.
And I was like, I can wait.
I got to go to this podcast tomorrow, you guys.
I've been looking forward to it.
I literally was like, I'm just waiting until after the podcast.
What's he say?
What does Tom say?
He's not home.
He's not home.
He's in Boston tonight.
Because he would have been, go to the ER right now, I would assume.
That's what normal people-
Normal people would have done.
Who have self-care or I don't have that.
What's the kid say?
Sorry.
No, he's devastated.
He was getting his alibi straight.
I was at the bar all night.
I don't know what she's talking about.
How do you keep your fucking mouth shut?
Snitches get stitches, ma.
He flips his blade.
For sure, yeah.
No, so I tough it out.
Because in my mind, this is what you do.
I'm not crybaby pussies, go to hospital.
I can wait and see.
Wrap it up?
I wrapped it up.
Now, what is your home method of wrapping something up?
I'm assuming it's some type of paper towel, hand towel, old rag.
There's some adhesive involved.
Of course.
Some iodine.
Yeah, I just squirted some neosporin on it because it creates like a gel.
Sure.
And then I just put like four Band-Aids, like regular size.
Uh-huh.
And then they just bled through.
You try to get creative with the Band-Aids.
Those never, when you're doing the four one way, three the other.
You're reinforcing them and stuff like that.
You need some galls, dog.
You know, you need medical attention.
I know.
That's what you need.
Not more Band-Aids.
It's never more Band-Aids.
You got to the ER.
Who put these six Garfield Band-Aids on you?
But that's my stupid, my stupid Polak brain is like, I'll just put on like six
Band-Aids.
I'll be fine.
You know what you needed was a butterfly.
Oh, shit.
Remember that in the day your mom would break out a butterfly on you?
Yeah.
She was like a fucking cardiac surgeon doing that shit.
No, we didn't have Band-Aids.
Band-Aids is weakness.
That's what I'm telling you.
Did you have health insurance growing up?
Such a good question.
I've never, in 400 episodes, I've never had to ask it, but I feel like it might.
If you have health insurance now, let's start there.
Now I have money, so yeah.
But do you.
You're at the ER in a fake name.
But like, do you even remember going to the dentist for like preventative?
Yes.
No.
Oh.
No, we were, we were, it was like a collision.
It was like, we got a car, you had to go.
You went and got your fucking teeth cleaned every year with the bubblegum fluoride.
You did?
I was still in cavities.
We were mainly a cavity.
I remember having so many cavities.
One time my mom yelled at me when I got in the car.
She goes, they're going to take you away.
I had like 13 cavities at eight years old.
They're going to take you away.
They're taking you away for bad teeth.
Where will they take you?
That's a nice part of town.
I don't know.
The dentist's house?
I don't know.
Dude, my teeth were falling out of my head.
It was bad.
That's what I think too.
Like, I don't remember because I take my kids preventatively and now they put
stuff in there
so that they don't get molar cavity.
Like there's all these things and I'm like.
It's called fluoride.
Right.
Yeah.
Like I didn't, we didn't do that until you knocked a tooth out.
Really?
Oh my God.
That's crazy.
We're about the same age.
You weren't getting the bubblegum fluoride, something out of the treasure chest?
I'm telling you, you're old trash.
Jesus.
We didn't even know about this.
Like, we didn't even know.
My parents didn't know like what Star Wars the movie was.
All right.
Let's go back.
Let's take it back.
Let's take it back.
Before we go though, how many stitches do you have?
Okay.
So they actually didn't need to sew.
They used Steri strip.
So there's like four.
Okay.
There's four things gluing.
They glue them together.
They're gluing my skin together and then I 