Name: Kam Patterson | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast
Uploaded: 2025-02-20T00:00:23.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Kam Patterson | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-02-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Kam Patterson | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-02-20. Transcript available.

Kam Patterson | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast

Kemp, can you see this? We got this Route 66 special dropping.
You ain't lying, big man. We got the live shows from every city on the tour,
plus the boys on the bus seeing this great country of ours.
It's dropping February 25th on our YouTube page.
Make sure you tune in to the live premiere.
Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage?
The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals
or absolute trash.
Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast.
This is Are You Garbage?
Oh, yeah.
It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians,
and we find out if they're good to be classy.
Yeah.
But they're just a big old piece of trash.
Trash, trash, trash.
I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on yet again another beautiful day down
here in Austin, Texas.
Toadie, Austin's finally caught up to her.
Okay.
She's upstairs with a liquid IV, hung the fuck over.
Good for her.
You got to get her fucking back to South Philly.
Get her straightened out.
Get her in L.A. Fitness or something.
She is hurting.
My co-host is coming at you from right next to me.
He is the CEO of Are You Garbage?
He is an international businessman and my best pal in the whole wide world.
Give it up for KJ.
Kevin James Ryan, everybody.
What up, gang?
Shout out to you.
Thanks for tuning in.
As always, please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes.
Full video available on YouTube.
Then, obviously, the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com slash are
you garbage.
You go over there.
You get all that bonus content, gang.
Yes, sir.
And gang, we couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly, and I mean
incredibly, special
guest here with us today for the first time.
Been wanting to have him forever.
We're down here in Austin.
We made it work.
He is on a rocket ship to the top.
One of the hottest, best young comedians working today.
You love him.
You know him.
Cam Patterson, everybody.
Let's go.
There he is.
We almost killed him in the driveway.
No, I really see that shit got slippery as hell out there.
Got dangerous a little bit.
I like how you pulled up and called that you were out front, too.
Oh, yeah.
Didn't just walk up to the door.
Start knocking on random fucking doors.
I do that everywhere I go.
Like, I'm going to say to everybody, I know I'm outside before you, you know
what I'm saying?
That shit get dicey and shit.
Turn around, he's in the backyard.
Like, what the fuck, gang?
Buddy, give us the back story.
I know a little.
We know a little.
Give us the whole story.
Florida kid.
Florida kid.
West Orlando.
Born and raised.
Okay.
What's the difference between the west side and the east side?
Well, the west side is more like black people.
On the east side, we got a lot of Spanish shit like that.
Okay.
Yeah.
Like close to Disney?
Hell no, no, no.
Well, the east side is kind of over there.
Okay.
The best way I can explain the east side is I didn't know UCF is on the east
side of Orlando.
Gotcha.
I didn't know UCF was in Orlando until I graduated high school.
So, that's the big difference between the east side and the west side.
You get in there, you think you're going away to college.
It's down the street.
I thought like, because our graduation was at UCF, I thought we was going out
of town.
Really?
I was like, why am I going so far?
How far?
Like 20 minutes away?
30 minutes away.
30 minutes.
30 minutes away.
And I'm like, hey.
You show up with luggage and shit like that.
It's like, what?
Where the fuck are we going, man?
Okay.
So, who'd you grow up with?
Moms, dads?
Give us a story.
I grew up with my parents.
It was split custody.
Okay.
So, my mom stayed in the suburbs.
My dad stayed kind of in the hood.
Okay.
So, I would go back and forth.
My mom would work on, she a flight attendant.
So, she would work mostly through the weekdays, she'd be back on the weekends.
But I'd go to my dad's house on the weekends.
What'd you pop though?
He's a con man, probably.
Nah, he a, what's him call this?
He a, a contractor.
He do contracts.
A contract.
Yeah.
Big difference.
I would always tell people, I'd be like, he would always, he'd do like, in my
mind, he'd
do like hood contracts.
And like, he would, people would be like, I would go to him, like, work
sometimes.
People would be like, legally, they said I couldn't do this in a weekend.
Sure.
We can do it.
We'll figure it out.
We'll work around the permits.
I respect that.
It's fine.
Sure.
Hell yeah.
All right.
That's pretty good.
Brothers and sisters?
Yeah, I got a, I got one brother and three sisters.
Okay.
Do they live with you at your mom's and dad's back and forth?
My mom, I'm a mom only kid.
Okay.
My dad got four kids.
Gotcha.
Well, five with me.
All the same, around the same age?
Hell no.
Well, the two, the two younger ones.
So I got one that's 24.
She, my sister, my sister, Kai.
And I got one that's 18.
And then I got, uh, the two older ones, uh, I like 44 and 40.
Gotcha.
Hell yeah.
And how old are you?
25.
Okay.
Yeah.
20 year gap.
That's.
That's a lot.
Pretty trashy.
I got that in my family too.
It's not a good look.
Yeah.
20 years between siblings is tough.
That's a lot.
I only had one brother.
So I was wanting to hang out with him and shit.
But I ain't, it never kicked in.
Like he was like so much older than me.
So I'm like, let me, let's do shit.
Let's do shit.
I mean, and then one time, uh, he just said, fuck, get in the car.
And then he, uh, he took me to this abandoned McDonald's.
We sat there for a minute.
And then we just drove away.
I didn't realize until like I was like 18, I was a drug deal.
I had no idea.
What was going on?
I thought I was just happy with my brother.
Nigga, shit cool as fuck, man.
I was happy as shit, dog.
Had abandoned McDonald's, man.
That's a bad drug deal.
That's a bad neighborhood.
Had abandoned, yeah.
What area can't keep a McDonald's open?
Goddamn.
And your mom's place was in the burbs?
Yeah, nice place.
House, apartment?
House.
House.
Okay.
So house in the apartment.
You got your own room and stuff like that.
What was the grocery store your mom would go to?
Publix.
Publix.
Shout out Publix in the South.
Receptible.
See?
I like it.
That ain't bad.
Where was your dad food shopping?
That nigga liked Costco a lot.
He wasn't bad.
Who wouldn't tell?
He fucked with Costco for sure though.
Costco is shit.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Fantastic.
That nigga loved Costco.
Like he loved Costco, bro.
That's funny.
Everybody, I mean, Costco's on the come up now.
Costco is dope.
Y'all think Costco's garbage?
Costco's nice.
Costco's very nice.
It's very good.
It's very trashy, but it's great.
You got to have a membership to go to Costco.
It's very true.
You're not wrong.
I got one in my wallet.
My picture on everything.
I'm an executive member at Costco, nigga.
Stop playing crazy.
Where that's at?
Hold up.
Wait a minute.
TSA pre-checking a Costco card.
Come on, man.
It tells you nothing.
I thought it was going to be clean for sure.
You showed up at the door with an app?
Like, you don't even realize, I was at Costco the other day
and there's a white lady and I was with my dogs and shit.
And I was just joking around.
I was like, yeah, they don't even understand.
Like, me and you, man, we executive members.
And then she went, is that my card?
What the fuck is going on here, bitch?
I swear to God, I wouldn't have beat the shit out of that old-ass white lady.
That was really fucked up.
Did you have friends at your mom's?
Did you have your Orlando friends and then the suburb friends?
Well, were they, was it like two different worlds or were they similar?
No, we all kind of went to the same school.
Gotcha.
So when we got to, when I got to high school, the school, my middle school was
in there.
So I went to Okoye Elementary, Okoye Middle School and Okoye High School.
Okoye Elementary was really white.
Okay.
Like, so white to the point where I would be like,
Mom, we the only black people in the world.
Oh, shit.
Like, it was white as shit.
Like, you know what I'm saying?
My Okoye Middle School was, it was getting there.
And then Okoye High School, everybody went together.
Everybody from my dad's side.
Gotcha.
And everybody from where I'm from, the same school for the most part.
And how were you in school?
Were you good in school?
Hell no, I was terrible.
I was one of the worst ever, nigga.
I was on, I got ADHD, so like, it was like, if I went on my ADHD medicine,
it was going to be a bad day for any teacher.
Yeah.
Around, dog.
I had it, I got it too.
I was, I was terrible.
Man, I was the worst.
Anything like really, or just kind of fucking, just causing a distraction,
hanging out.
I was always too scared to get in like super trouble until I got out of school
because my mama was just like, she was like, I don't want to get, I don't want
to deal
with her when I get home.
I was never trying to get no bullshit.
Well, like an old wise thing for like an eighth grader, like I ain't dealing
with her.
Just wait till I get out of the house.
I'll do whatever the fuck I want.
Yeah, I'll do what I want when I get older, but I can't deal with her.
She's an insane person.
Sure.
She's insane.
I remember one time I spit on the kid.
I spit on somebody in like, when I was in like a fourth grade.
Why?
Huh?
Why did you spit on me?
I don't even know.
Well, really?
He had it coming, dude.
I didn't want to deal.
I didn't want to deal.
And so he was like, he spit on me.
Razzleries?
Yeah, my mama didn't know that.
My mama didn't know I did that.
So when I got home, she just spit on me.
She was like, you like spitting on people?
Oh, shit.
Do you enjoy spitting on people?
Damn.
How do you feel?
I was like, that's not what I did at all.
You hawked a loogie on me.
That's an eye for an eye type shit, dude.
That's wild.
Never did it again, though.
My mom did something similar.
I think I was in fourth grade again, or fourth or fifth grade.
I went like this to the whole class.
Yeah.
And the teacher had called my mom and my mom didn't say anything.
And then I got home, and I remember I was getting in the tub.
I was completely naked about getting in the tub.
She kicked open the bathroom door.
She's like, you like doing this to people?
Oh, no.
Fucking scarred for life.
Oh, no.
That's a dirtbag mom grabbing her fucking cooter.
You like doing this?
What the hell?
Yeah, that's crazy.
You ever got whoopings in the bathtub?
In the bathtub?
Getting into the tub.
Nah, did you ever hit you when you was wet?
Nah.
My mom would hit me when I was wet one time.
I got in the shower, and she got in the shower with me,
and it whipped me when I was...
It sounds crazy when I'm explaining it.
I was bad, though.
I needed it.
You know what I'm saying?
Sure, man.
But yeah, that was a torture tactic, though.
Yeah, dude.
Oh, wet whooping is crazy.
That's waterboarding.
That's what they were doing in fucking Gitmo, dude.
Yeah, wet whooping is crazy, though.
My mom was the one that did the hit, and my dad,
he would just have to threaten.
Yeah, my dad never hit me.
He would just have to threaten.
If he would take the belt out, he had this belt called Black Beauty,
and if he would take that out, we got in line.
But my mom, she's the one that fucking...
For some reason, it hurt so much when they'd smack you,
and you were covered up, and they'd be eating the back and shit like that.
It'd be really bad.
Fucking stings.
My dad jacked me up one time, and I was in a...
I think I was in, like, second grade, and I think I hit this girl.
He jacked you up in second grade.
I hit a girl.
I hit a girl.
I hit a girl.
Every time he did kind of have it coming, I got to give it to him.
I'm telling you, like, every time I hit something happening to me, I needed it,
y'all.
Sure.
And so I remember it was...
He picked me up from school.
They called him, picked me up from school, and he just was...
We was riding back, and he just was like...
He took me to get food.
He was like, hey, listen, what you did w