Name: Mark Normand: Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast: Ridin' Dirty
Uploaded: 2025-04-09T23:01:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Mark Normand: Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast: Ridin' Dirty' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-04-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Mark Normand: Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast: Ridin' Dirty' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-04-09. Transcript available.

Mark Normand: Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast: Ridin' Dirty

Hey gang, check out this short clip from the Route 66 tour on our YouTube page.
I'm not even lying, I just shit my pants.
What happened at the garage?
Hey, how are you? You guys have a bathroom?
You saw that, huh?
I'm curious as to what do you want to get out in front of this thing?
These are dangerous questions.
Are those the shorts you were wearing?
Unfortunately, they are.
Dude, that's fucking disgusting.
Hang on.
Unless you were wearing plastic underwear, which I do.
I did not think you were.
It didn't go through.
No, dude, that's insane.
I'm telling you, it did not get to the outer layer.
What you may know is the upper atmosphere.
It stayed within the molten core of the butt sheet.
The underwear, on the other hand, didn't make it.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
I appreciate your hospitality.
Of course.
I mean, I've seen you go to the bathroom a lot.
I've never seen you walk out with evidence.
Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage?
The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals
or absolute trash.
Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast.
This is Are You Garbage?
Oh, yeah.
It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find out
if they're good to be classy.
Yeah.
If they're just a big old piece of trash.
Trash, trash, trash.
I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day.
We're out back here with Tootie's in a new edition.
She's down at the mall.
Okay.
She's doing the Easter Bunny this year.
Okay.
Yeah, free picks if you want them.
All right.
She said we'd come by.
All right.
Fair enough.
Mike Coase is coming at you from right next to me, unamused this week.
He is the CEO of Are You Garbage?
He is an international businessman.
Not a fan of Easter, I guess.
Give it up for KJ, Kevin James Ryan.
What up, gang?
Shout out to you.
Thanks for tuning in.
As always, please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes.
Full video available on YouTube.
Also, full video available on Spotify now over there doing big things.
Patreon.com slash are you garbage.
Check it out.
Yes, sir.
And we couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly, and I mean incredibly
special guest
back with us again today.
The kid's family at this point.
I know.
He's a family man.
You know him.
You love him.
Give it up for Mr. Mark Norman, everybody.
Look at him.
There he is.
Old Papa.
Good to be back.
I love it here.
Sorry, I'm a little banged up from the Nashville weekend.
But we're having a good time.
When you say you did an all-nighter, you were up 24 hours, didn't sleep?
Yeah.
Well, they got these after parties with the free drinks, and they just keep
coming.
Then you see a guy who's at the show.
He gives you a shot, and you high-five him.
So what night is this, theoretically?
That was Saturday night.
So it's Saturday night, so you don't sleep Saturday.
Sunday, what do you do?
I get up and go on a flight and go home.
And then you got to go home and hug a baby.
And you got to fake it.
I'm at the airport puking my guts out.
I'm eating a sandwich going, all right, come on.
I'm going to pep talk.
You're proper hungover.
Hungover, no sleep, you know, the whole thing.
Diarrhea, puking, gay.
You can't walk in and be like, hey, I don't feel well or something like that.
No, you got to be on, baby.
It's battle stations when you get home.
That's the hard part about a kid.
Hey, everybody.
Who wants to laugh, huh?
Doing crowd work?
Because you got to think, she's been with the kid all weekend, so she's like.
So she needs relief.
Yes.
And you come in smelling like a hooker or something.
Yeah, exactly, exactly.
Cigarettes, I'm puking up cigar butts and semen.
And she hands you the baby when you walk in.
And you're like, who's this, you know?
I've never seen this guy.
She's covered in stains.
It looks like Monica Lewinsky.
It's tough.
And then when did you get to sleep on Sunday night?
Sunday night?
Well, I said, you know what?
I'm going to put the baby to bed early.
It's noon.
I've got to get some baby time.
You're going around pulling the shades down?
Yeah.
What's his name again?
And yeah, so I went to bed at like, you know, 1030.
I watched White Lotus.
I rub one out, and that was it.
Where do you rub one out?
You know, the crib's here.
I'm in the bed.
We're good.
Sure.
The sound machine's on.
Have you ever yanked it when the missus is in bed with you?
Yeah, that's tough.
Really?
You've got to not shake.
You know?
You've got to keep it still.
It's like, I need a, what do you call it?
A posturepedic.
That's a slow jerk.
Yeah.
Remember that commercial?
Take the love to yourself.
They drop the bowling ball.
The bowling ball, yeah.
You're just standing there wailing on yourself.
Yeah, exactly.
On your bowling ball.
I've always wondered whatever would happen.
Because that's my move.
And if I ever got busted doing that.
That's your move?
Good thing you don't have a water bed, dude.
Oh, God.
That's Katrina all over again.
That thing pops.
Take it out the coast of Japan.
Tsukashima.
All the water gets sucked out.
The cat runs into the living room.
I would assume that would be, just knowing my wife, that would probably be like
an emotional,
that would be a bad thing.
I mean, dude, you're both in bed and you're just fucking, because you do it odd,
too.
I don't know.
He plays the fiddle.
He's doing a money sign.
Devil went down to Georgia.
Looking for his shoulders.
Yeah, he just does like a little pinch and roll.
Weird.
Pinch and roll.
What are you telling my move for?
I've never heard of this.
You can't be doing that, Norman.
You do it out of state if you want.
All right.
The knuckle.
I don't know.
It's hard to find a good mechanic.
Sometimes I'll do the old backwards.
French grip.
Yeah, right.
The old Elliot Page.
I'll flip it around.
The old McEnroe.
It's called the Andre Agassi in my house.
There was a great comic.
It was an open mic comic.
I forget who it was.
It was a great joke you hear that you never hear again.
The guy was like, you know how some people, you sit on your hand and jerk off.
It feels like someone else is jerking.
I sit on my dick till it gets numb.
It feels like I'm jerking off a completely different guy.
Stranger's great.
Is that Nate Borgazzi, I think?
I mentioned Easter.
I get excited for Easter.
Yes.
Any candy-themed holiday he starts chubbing up for.
To be fair, you're looking for candy on Tuesday, just in the corner.
Is it the end of Ramadan?
Let me break this fast.
I found out that they eat at night, man.
That's easy.
Dude, that's standing on my head.
I thought they had to go 40 days with nothing.
Who are they, Moses?
Oh, is that right?
Yeah, no, they eat at night.
They're just not allowed to eat during the day.
Big parties at night.
The mosque down the street for me, it's like fucking Studio 54.
Club Med.
I didn't know that.
I was with you.
I thought that's why they were so angry.
No tits, no bacon.
Come on.
Get a kiff bar or something, will you?
No, they do nice spread at night.
Looks pretty good, too.
Wow.
A little yogurt, a little tzatziki.
Sure.
Hummus, pita, grape leaf.
How you doing?
Love all that stuff.
Are you doing anything for Easter with the baby?
Now you're a family man.
Goddamn Mark Norman family man.
The baby's what?
He's not even a year, right?
He's a few months.
Yeah.
Oh, okay.
He don't know what's going on.
I don't know his birthday.
Eat his candy.
You got to realize, babies make holidays.
Christmas with like eight old people is the saddest thing on the planet.
Sure.
Your grandmother's smoking.
You're hungover.
You're like, what are we doing here?
I got socks, you know?
So a baby makes it.
So Easter, I'm going out to Walmart.
I'm getting the bunny.
I'm getting the green fake bullshit grass.
I'm getting the basket.
Couple of peeps.
Yeah, Cadbury's.
I'm going all in.
I like it.
That's the way to go.
You're going to start that trend.
Was it like that when you were growing up?
Did you guys go big on that stuff?
We did, yeah.
My parents, we did a crawfish boil every Easter in the carport.
Just like Jesus would have wanted.
The cousins ran around and we found those eggs.
Don't have none of them Jews in there.
I'll tell you that right now.
Holy cow.
Keep the shellfish.
Keep them away.
You do a crawfish boil.
You're like, what's the carport?
Well, my grandparents had this big carport.
Oh, I got it.
That's a southern thing.
Yeah.
We don't really have them up here.
It's a very trashy garage for the folks out there.
It's to block it from the sun, like the weather.
Yeah.
It's like the sun and the weather.
Yeah.
It's not.
We don't really have them.
Those things get hot as shit in the summer.
They got tools down there, a sawhorse, a kegerator.
Yeah.
They were pretty.
I mean, it's open.
There's no walls.
Yeah.
It's just the roof.
It's a big tent, essentially.
It's a tent, yeah.
Yeah.
It's a mosque.
It's a hillbilly mosque.
Yeah, that's pretty good.
All right.
I like it.
Do you guys have any plans with the baby?
You got to get the baby baptized or anything like that?
We did the circumcision.
That was hell.
In the hospital.
I did it myself.
It wasn't easy.
Yeah.
I just got a teeth in there.
They saved 50 bucks.
Yeah.
Like a Snickers.
I just ripped it.
But yeah.
Yeah.
That was tough because that fucking dong is all mangled for a while.
But he looks good now.
Good, good piece.
That's got a sting.
Yeah.
Proud of the piece?
Proud of the piece.
That's good.
Ball bag's even better.
Good ball bag.
That is a drum, I would assume.
Oh.
Well, I bathe him every night in the hot tub, and that thing gets like an old
taffy.
In the hot tub?
Well, that's what I call it.
It's a warm bath.
I'm not fucking Matthew Perry-ing this kid over here, you know.
Got him out in the jacuzzi?
Yeah.
You know, that's a guy, by the way.
Who?
That's his name, John Jacuzzi.
Get the fuck out of here.
Pull that up.
No shit.
I might have the first name wrong, but that's why, yeah, Tony Jacuzzi?
It's just something like that.
That's pretty good.
I think I remember this now.
That's what it's named after, that guy.
No, but then you would bump into other jacuzzis, I feel.
Like somebody would have-
The jacuzzi family.
I would have went to school with the jacuzzis.
That's true.
There's too many Zs, too, in a last name.
I'm telling you.
I think it's a guy.
Uh-oh.
I thought it was an Italian word for hot bath.
No.
Oh.
The founder was Gio Kondo Jacuzzi.
Oh, Gio Kondo, huh?
Gio Kondo.
Huge ball bag.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know he invented that just to get pussy.
Oh, dude, 100%.
I'm going to make a big soup.
None of these broads want to take a bath with me.
Yeah.
You put your butthole right next to the vent.
It can also go Asian, too.
Jacuzzi.
It almost sounds like, yeah, jacuzzi.
Oh, very good.
That's not bad.
That's what they say before they stab themselves.
Right.
The Japanese.
Right.
We had a jacuzzi growing up.
What?
We were semi-new money.
My dad did well.
My parents built a house when we moved out of the city into the suburbs.
I was very young.
Wait, you had a jacuzzi at your mom's house?
Yeah.
No shit.
Oh, man.
When did that get taken down?
Last year.
No kidding.
I don't remember seeing that.
Oh, we blew the motor out.
So that was in her bathroom.
Oh.
No, in her bathroom, there was a big jacuzzi.
Wait, in the tub?
Yeah.
No, but it was big.
I mean, it was big.
I thought you meant outside.
No, the jacuzzi's inside.
I've seen the one in her bedroom.
Yeah.
A hot tub's outside.
A jacuzzi, I thought, was like an indoor tub.
No, that's interchangeable.
It's like band-aid.
Right.
I don't think so.
It is a hot tub, though.
Jacuzzi is a hot tub.
A jacuzzi can be outside.
Yes.
Jacuzzi is the name brand.
Yes.
Jacuzzi is the name brand.
Yes.
And do they also make outdoor ones?
I'm not saying they do.
I just thought they didn't.
Of course they do.
Do you think Giacomo junk jacuzzi is not fucking doing outside?
Currently, they do.
Currently, they do.
I've never seen an indoor jacuzzi.
I thought t