Name: Tom Segura: Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast: Ruining the Party
Uploaded: 2025-04-23T23:00:31.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tom Segura: Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast: Ruining the Party' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-04-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tom Segura: Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast: Ruining the Party' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-04-23. Transcript available.

Tom Segura: Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast: Ruining the Party

Hey gang, check out this short clip from the Route 66 tour on our YouTube page.
I'm not even lying, I just shit my pants.
What happened at the garage?
Hey, how are you? Do you guys have a bathroom?
You saw that, huh?
I'm curious as to what do you want to get out in front of this thing?
These are dangerous questions.
Are those the shorts you were wearing?
Unfortunately, they are.
Dude, that's fucking disgusting.
Hang on.
Unless you were wearing plastic underwear, which I do.
I did not think you were.
It didn't go through.
No, dude, that's insane.
I'm telling you, it did not get to the outer layer.
What you may know is the upper atmosphere.
It stayed within the molten core of the bungee.
The underwear, on the other hand, didn't make it.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
I appreciate your hospitality.
Of course.
I mean, I've seen you go to the bathroom a lot.
I've never seen you walk out with evidence.
Welcome to another exciting edition of R.U. Garbage, the show where you find
out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash.
Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast.
This is R.U. Garbage.
Oh, yeah.
It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find
that if they grew up to be classy, or they're just a big old piece of trash.
Trash, trash, trash.
I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day.
We are out back here at Tootie's in the new edition.
She's out in the backyard catching squirrels.
Okay.
Stay away from the chili tonight.
Order in.
Get a pizza.
All right.
My co-host is coming at you from right next to me, slightly amused this week.
He is the CEO of R.U. Garbage.
He is an international businessman and my best pal in the whole wide world, and
I love him, and I don't care who knows it.
Give it up for K.J., Kevin James Ryan, everybody.
What up, gang?
Shout out to you.
Thanks for tuning in.
As always, please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes.
Full video available on YouTube.
Also, full video available over there on Spotify, gang.
Check that out.
Those numbers are cooking.
Then, obviously, the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com slash R.U.
Garbage.
You've got to keep the goddamn lights on over here.
Yes, sir.
Gang, we couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly, and I mean incredibly
special guest back with us again today.
The godfather of R.U. Garbage over here.
Capo de Capo.
The boss of bosses, El Jefe.
He's got a brand new series coming out on Netflix, May 13th.
Bad Thoughts.
We know you've seen the teaser.
Wait till you see the trailer.
Absolutely unbelievable.
This guy, one step ahead of the game all the time.
Give it up for Tom Segura, everybody.
Thank you.
Thank you.
It's good to be back.
Thank you for having me.
Of course.
I love your podcast.
I love it, dude.
Thank you.
Are you double teeing?
That's one T, which is very trashy.
You have a Dickie T on?
That might be the trashiest thing you do.
What the hell?
I know.
That's for kids, dude.
It is.
Is that reversible, too?
It can be.
Yeah.
Listen, I saw.
I clocked that to second.
You did?
You were like.
And I was like, no way am I bringing that up.
You got some balls, Chubby.
That's the goddamn balls.
What time are school pictures, huh?
I apologize for his transgressions.
It's super trashy, right?
It's probably an expensive shirt, though.
It's so expensive.
These rich guys don't know what the fuck they're doing.
How much was that shirt?
I don't remember.
I really don't.
A couple hundred?
Yeah, probably a few hundred bucks.
No shit.
Yeah, yeah.
Now, what are you doing these days that you're all slimmed out?
Do you have a stylist?
You're who I want to be.
I look at you and I go.
You are not.
Trust me.
I know.
But I go.
You went bald quite well.
You got the good facial hair.
You trimmed up.
That's what I'm trying to do, but I'm leaning more towards this way.
I have been farting so much.
What, here?
Well, no, I went in there just to fart.
Gentlemen.
That's respectful.
It was like a 15-second fart, though.
Okay.
I think it's all the protein bars I'm eating.
They really let you rip ass, dude.
Goddamn bar bills will get you.
I'm just fucking turning down things I want to eat.
That's it, dude.
That's the only way I can.
That's how you do it.
Dude, that's.
And here's the thing.
And it's not great.
It's just, like, I think I still live with hope.
Do you do that?
Where, like, you'll be like, oh, I'll look like this one day.
Yeah, no, you're my goal.
Yeah, you're in there.
What do you mean?
That's not a great goal.
Are you not where you want to be?
From my side of the fence.
What?
What?
What, do you want to disappear?
No, I think, but, I mean, you kind of want to, like.
Tighten up.
Yeah.
You're a tight guy.
How old are you?
I just turned 46.
46.
No kidding.
Yeah, most people.
By the way, I did, I remember this from just, like, a couple weeks ago.
I did MSG.
Yeah, I know.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And Jimmy Miller, who I work with as a manager.
Of course.
Comes over.
We have a dinner afterwards.
It's like a big.
We used to work with him as well.
Oh, you did?
Okay.
So Jimmy sits down next to me.
And this is so funny to me.
But he's like.
He goes, I was, you know.
He's like, congratulations.
Big night.
You're MSG.
It's a huge deal.
So he goes, guess when the Beastie Boys first did MSG.
I was like, oh, that's good trivia.
I was like, I don't know.
He's like, we'll tell you a guess.
I was like, 90?
It's probably 2006 or something.
No, 84.
Whoa.
84.
And then he goes.
Then the next thing he goes.
And so he goes, so you're 52.
And I go, what?
He goes, you're 52?
Like that?
Like, you're 52?
And I go, I'm 45.
He goes, oh.
Oh, okay.
Forget I brought it up.
He's like, just so you were like five years old.
I go, wait a minute.
Why do you think I was 52?
He goes, I just looked at you.
I was like, everybody always has.
Since I was 17, has been like.
When I was 17, I didn't even have to get a fake ID.
I had a fake ID.
But I would walk in and they'd be like, what do you want?
Just like this?
I looked like this.
People were like, 27?
I'm like, I'm 17 years old.
And it's never changed.
Well, you carry yourself with the vibe sometimes of a guy who's over it.
Like, you're 55.
Yeah, yeah.
That's what I get a lot.
I'm 49 and I always thought you were older than me.
And I would 100% guess that you're younger than me.
Really?
I would never assume that you're older than me.
Huh.
You carry yourself in a fatherly, man's man type of way.
It's a double T kind of way.
Minus the double T.
You have a nice jacket out there covering the double T.
I did have a jacket on.
That's right.
You look sharp in your jackets.
Thanks, man.
Thank you.
Not that you don't look sharp now.
No, I appreciate it, man.
I don't know why you think you're offended.
That's good.
You look sharp.
Not that you know how to disrespect you.
I made fun of your little boy T-shirt.
Hey, you got your whole pass on you?
I should.
I should.
I should have a whole pass to wear this fucking t-shirt.
Back to my original question.
Now that you are slimmed up and stuff like that and you're coming into your
final form.
Yeah.
How did you come across that shirt?
Or where are you getting your clothes?
Are you a shopper?
I've had two things done where I go out and, yeah, I just walk into stores and
I just get things that I just grab.
You try stuff on?
You go in the fitting room?
Sometimes.
Not always.
Sometimes I just hold it up and I'm like, this seems right.
And then sometimes I go, this was a huge mistake.
I should have tried this on.
Is this sporadically or is this like, okay, it's a shopping day?
No, it's not a shopping.
It's more just like, yeah, walking around.
You just walk by something.
If you're in town somewhere.
Yeah, yeah.
Like, normally this is a quick trip.
But like, for me, coming to New York, you go like, oh, there's everything here.
So one afternoon I might be like, oh, I'm going to stop in a few stores.
Because you guys just have everything.
Will you set something up?
Will you have somebody, an assistant or somebody set it up?
Hey, let them know I'm coming in.
I've done that.
Yeah, you have.
I like that you operate like that.
I have done that.
Not the usual bums we got walking around this dump.
I did have, in London, I had them do that.
And that was cool.
Whoa.
You got flex on them.
You tell the guy, I told the guy stuff that I like.
And then you just show up and they have racks of just stuff in your size that
you like.
Now, I got a question.
Rich guy's shit.
Do you feel obligated to buy?
Are you like, fuck, I gotta.
I used to, but not anymore.
Because they're used to that, right?
Yeah, I just go like, oh, I'm not getting something.
Like, I used to feel like, oh, somebody did something.
I have to do.
I just only would get something I want.
Yeah.
Like, if they had a cool double T, I would.
I don't even like, I don't even like, I don't even like using a bathroom at a
Starbucks
without, like, fake looking at the venue.
Like, oh, you still got the ventis?
I'll be right back.
I'm going to order.
You still have all your sizes?
I'll be right back.
Yeah.
What's that bathroom coat?
Speaking of the bathroom.
Yes, I wanted to pick your brain on this.
We have some stories.
We have some stuff from the homies and the bozos, the listeners there.
But something that has come up over the last couple of weeks, which started out,
it's a
multiple part scenario that I want to hit you with.
Okay.
First off, I want to say, uh, Kevin, Kevin's a new homeowner.
He has a home.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
And we, we, we, we, we were down there, but sure.
We were down there and we were looking around the house.
Okay.
Like his wife was like, you know, check the place out.
We went upstairs to see it.
A lot of the rooms were closed.
The doors were closed.
The doors were closed in this new house.
Yes.
Okay.
The doors are closed in this new house.
Upstairs.
So, okay.
First part is if you were doing that and checking it out, would you open those
doors?
If you were a guest?
Yes.
Yes.
Well, let's just say, let's say it's the, it's the frequency.
It's the relationship of me and him.
So let's say you go to Bert's house.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You're open a door.
If Bert had a new home, but the doors were closed upstairs, kind of hinting, we
don't
want you to go in there.
Well, here's the thing.
If there's one door closed, I might be like, okay, there's, this is one, but if
there's
like four doors closed, I'd be like, what's going on in the fucking rooms?
Yeah.
You're bringing me up to see the hallway.
What the fuck?
Okay.
Yeah.
All right.
Which leads me to the real question.
Okay.
Okay.
Let's say you are at a function, a Christmas Eve, something like that.
Maybe not family.
Okay.
Okay.
And you are in there, the party going on.
You have to use the facilities.
Okay.
Where are you going to do that there?
Yeah.
I want to go out of the way.
Of course you do.
Yeah.
The furthest possible room.
Okay.
Now we're getting somewhere.
Okay.
So where's that going to be?
It's probably upstairs.
You're going to go upstairs.
Probably upstairs.
Yeah.
Do you think that's okay?
I mean, if what I know is in me is going to come out, it's best for everyone to
go away
for this possible distance.
I concur with that.
Yeah.
Let's just say, for whatever reason, you choose not to use the hall bathroom.
You want to use the master bathroom.
That's insane.
That's insane.
That's insane?
I mean, it's, well, if you were at, it depends which scenario we're in here.
Like, so if I'm at Bert's house, I would just be like, yeah, I'm going to your
room.
I'm blowing your bathroom off.
We all agree that social norms, not in a vacuum.
Right.
That was what, that's where you'd want to go.
Yeah.
But if, hold on.
If we're in the scenario.
It's Christmas Eve.
Christmas Eve.
And you're at like, you're in law, not you're at your brother's wife's house.
No, just tell them.
All right.
Here's the thing.
Every Christmas, we have Christmas at my