Name: Patreon Episode: Spelling Bee - Are You Garbage (FULL)
Uploaded: 2025-04-25T16:00:11.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Patreon Episode: Spelling Bee - Are You Garbage (FULL)' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-04-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Patreon Episode: Spelling Bee - Are You Garbage (FULL)' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-04-25. Transcript available.

Patreon Episode: Spelling Bee - Are You Garbage (FULL)

Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage?
The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals
or absolute trash.
Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast.
This is Are You Garbage?
Yeah.
It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find out
we grew up to be classy.
They're just a big old piece of trash.
I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day.
We're out back here with Tootie's in a new edition.
They got the goddamn radiators on.
Sure.
I got the open mouth shit with the fucking CPAP.
Now I'm all jammed up.
Goddamn fucking suit offense straightened me out.
Can't take the hard stuff anymore.
Sure.
Clean out the pipes.
My co-host is coming at you from across the table.
Not a big fan of mine at this moment, but it's fine.
See, because we're in competition right now.
He's the CEO of Are You Garbage, which means chief executive officer, Kevin
Ryan.
Well, it's a nice day for a lot wedding.
What up, gang?
Shout out to the motherfucking homies.
Me and the big man are bumping heads.
I'm not bumping heads at anybody.
I'm taking heat, which I take heat a lot.
Which, okay, what's up?
First of all, shout out to the motherfucking homies.
Shout out to them.
The goddamn, let's call them the jury of this.
The jury of this competition?
The jury of our world, being honest.
Judge, jury, and executioner.
Every time we get in an argument, the homies and bozos, mainly the homies, what
are we talking
about here?
They're going to see this in reverse, because they'll see the hard feelings
first.
Sure.
It's like a Tarantino film.
It's black and white.
I'm doing H.
Shout out to the motherfucking homies, baby.
We love you.
Thank you so much for all the frigging support.
Yes.
Shout out to you.
We love you.
And gang, put your thinking caps on, because today we're doing a little A-Y-G,
my first
spelling, spelling bee.
Sure.
Spell spelling.
S-P-E-L-L-I-N-G.
Yeah.
Pussy.
Take that.
Spell traitor.
Spell turncoat.
Spell bad friend.
That's not nice.
You're telling me.
What are you talking about, traitor?
All you got.
Well, let's just, we'll do a brief discussion of it while you just drop it on
us fucking two
seconds ago.
I didn't drop anything on anybody.
Did you know that?
We were talking about what to wear for the wedding.
Luke's reaction kind of jored me a little bit more.
We were talking, maybe I did know this and I don't remember.
I look very true.
What am I, fucking Amish?
I'm not going to have a best man.
Am I cruising up there?
Listen, the way I did it, the way I did it, hurt, alleviates anybody's feelings.
First of all, I didn't invite any of my boys from home.
Not mine or Luke's.
The only, the, which.
You don't have any boys from home.
It shouldn't.
It's all family.
It's family.
I'm not family.
When you're here, you're family.
The 15th of the month.
You're my dada.
You're kidding me?
Daddy war bots.
Mama and dada.
I just didn't know.
Hold on.
Hold on.
We were talking about what we're going to wear for the wedding and Foley, you
know, I've
poked some fun.
Where do I fit into this ceremony?
You don't let it go, which leads me to believe that there's a little bit of
serious to it
and it makes me feel bad.
If you want to be, listen, I would love for you to be in it.
Well, you didn't ask me.
That's a funny way.
That's a funny way.
This doesn't work out in the program.
You know what I mean?
I'm just saying, we're sitting here talking about what we're going to wear and
Foley pulls
up a picture and goes, this is what the groomsmen are wearing.
And Luke went, what the fuck?
I didn't know there was groomsmen set.
To me, this was always spun as a low-key kind of way.
Like, oh, we're just going up there.
What do you think?
I got a fucking Elvis impersonator up there?
Oh, hey, Hank.
Anybody got anything to say?
Okay.
I was a little taken aback.
I didn't know there was cool gear I could buy that could separate me from
everyone else.
Yes.
You know I like to be a VIP.
They got me sitting in coach with the fucking mouth breathers.
How about I'll get you guys all shirts?
How about me looking at a gazebo off to the side or something?
Cooler beers in there?
No.
And I told you you're sitting with that one couple.
No, I'm not.
No, I'm not.
I got to.
What do you want me to do?
We're going to be super rude.
I'm icing them out.
Give them the Cincinnati shift.
I'll start pulling their seats out from under them.
They do sell a Hawaiian version of Amway, by the way.
They won't be hitting you up.
That couple?
You remember that couple?
What?
Do you remember that couple?
No.
I'm just saying the couple at our table?
Yeah.
And they're going to be peddling shit?
Wait until he finds out the Patreon.
Oh, they know you got deep pockets.
What do you think I'm putting there for?
I'll be driving out of there in a fucking Mary Kay Cadillac.
Taking my honeymoon to a little place called Finder's Fee.
Finder's Fee Island.
Woo-wee.
I don't listen.
You're breaking my balls.
My fucking cousin's breaking my goddamn balls.
I don't need this shit.
What's he breaking your balls?
The same shit.
You know.
He was left out?
No.
He's in it.
He's breaking my balls about fucking the Pearl Harbor thing and fucking this
and that.
What are we doing?
That was your fault.
Goddamn.
What?
You sleep at the wheel again?
That's a guy who was in a carb coma.
I was on third watch.
Let 15 attacks happen.
I met some doll at the bar.
I don't know what to tell you.
I was back in the nurse's bunk.
Getting it in.
Yeah.
Okay.
He's busting my...
I've got my brother fucking bitching about this.
This and that.
Who's not bitching to you about this?
Everybody.
No, but if anybody that asks Foley something, they're bad.
I'm catching a ration.
No.
You're like my dad.
My dad used to say, I'm catching a ration of shit.
I am catching a ration.
Oh, that's my fucking...
That's a good one.
I know my fucking...
What my tombstone's gonna say.
Going over there to give me a ration.
I don't need to go in there getting a ration of shit.
I don't realize H. Foley caught a ration of shit.
Oh, it's ration of shit.
Yeah, a ration.
Like a portion.
I thought it was like a rash and the shit.
I don't know.
The guy's got bad butt.
I don't know.
Mud butt.
Bad case of mud butt.
Catch a rash down there.
Catch a job.
Oh, a ration of shit.
A ration.
A portion of shit.
Yeah.
Which I always take, and I take it handsomely.
Yeah, right.
Humbly.
You've been screaming at me.
I've been screaming at you.
Okay.
This is crazy.
Anywho.
Idiot.
I got him under a lot of goddamn pressure.
I'm taking a lot of fucking heat on this thing.
And you know that like, there's a little bit of truth in the joke.
It's like, I want you to feel, I don't want you to feel left out or anything
like that.
Well, I mean, that's.
I mean, but you keep pushing this.
What kind of spot are you putting me in?
You know why you can't be in this.
Sure.
And we've done this five times on the show.
Okay.
So.
Can we come to Pearl Harbor?
Yeah.
Oh, boy.
Yeah, I mean, I'm getting the fucking, you're going to treat me like your
goddamn co-worker.
You told me you didn't want to see me until the wedding.
You said I'm doing my own thing.
I was probably drinking.
Of course you guys can come.
I got to make some calls, but.
How big are the helmets?
I got a big fucking potato head coming in here.
Hey, Sarge, get the tugboat, huh?
Okay.
All right.
I was, I'm sorry.
I was just, uh, I get, maybe you had mentioned it and I apologize.
You can learn to keep your hormones under control.
Maybe it would be up there.
Me?
No, this is you.
This is, you keep your hormones under control.
We wouldn't be in this situation, this, this situationship we're in.
We wouldn't be going on a nice, nice holiday together.
Yeah.
You're treating me like I'm the goddamn help out here.
What are you talking about?
First of all, I got you fucking prime location table up front.
With some guy who's going to be giving me the hard work.
Because I got to do that because the way the tables break down.
You're the only table with a low count.
You only got six.
I'm going to be sitting there as you can, but you're both decision makers here
today.
Do you have your checkbook on you?
Is this guy, is this guy Hawaiian or American?
They're Hawaiian.
What?
They might be Hawaiian Hawaiian too.
They're nice people.
Are we the only celebrity table?
Yeah.
Oh, man, it's me, Cassidy, and Luke.
Man, talking about the who's who or who's not.
I was thinking about throwing out that Rubenhoff in his broad to straighten it
out.
Love that.
I'm working on it.
Oh, let me ask you this.
That's what he wants.
His chicken sandwiches, by the way.
Are we wearing chicken sandwiches over here on the Bonies?
I'm sure.
If not, give them a rundown.
Yeah, I don't fucking need this shit.
It's fucking a rash of the shit.
That's such a good one, dude.
You're fucking giving me a rash of the shit.
I'll spell that for you.
I spell that.
H-E-N-R-Y.
Huh?
Rashes of shit.
H-E-N-R-Y.
Me.
Okay.
So you spelled that wrong for a second.
Henry.
Who would you...
This is my friend.
All right.
My dad...
Hold on.
Hold on.
Would you prefer...
Let me say something.
You can only get a rash of the shit.
It's only a guy from a lady.
She's giving me a rash of the shit.
It's always getting...
It's equivalent to getting your balls broken.
What would you...
Then you're a brood.
Get you a pocketbook and a fucking parasol.
Have you sashay around the brood.
Probably try to have sex with me.
Make a move.
Sure.
Listen.
What?
Remember the couple that came to...
Came to...
Count Basie?
Johnny?
Your cousin.
Johnny's not my cousin.
Johnny I grew up with.
He's best friends with my brother.
We all grew up together.
We wrestled together.
The guy that we meet out back for heaters.
Yes.
Yeah.
Would you rather Johnny at the table?
Well, don't make me do this.
I don't know.
I don't know what...
Put me at whatever table works for you.
Apparently it's your day.
If he catches heaters, yeah.
Yeah.
I don't want to know my table.
Goddamn D1 athlete.
What are you talking about?
D1 athlete?
And I got you up front.
Keep my eye on you.
I got you right up...
It's not like you're in the fucking back.
Okay.
Is there like a bride and groom big table at the front?
You guys doing that?
No, we're doing...
Where you eat like the last supper.
Everybody faces out.
Like the Al Smith dinner.
And Bloomberg and them guys up front.
No, it's a sweetheart table.
It's just you two?
Yeah.
Ooh.
Dissectional.
Okay.
All right.
And then we're looking at...
And then my family's here.
Her family's there.
And then you're going to be there.
And her friends are going to be there.
There's something like that.
But you're up front with us.
My fucking boys.
Right behind my family.
Okay.
You want to carve the turkey?
You're having a turkey?
Yeah.
What do you mean?
It's the holidays.
Wait.
Okay.
Hold on.
You didn't know that?
I told you this.
You're fucking with me.
We're having a turkey.
You're serving Thanksgiving for fucking your wedding?
Yeah.
We're doing a turkey and a ham?
You're fucking with me.
No.
It's a chicken.
I got to fly all the way out there for a dry bird.
I mean, deep fried.
Talking about jamming the kid up.
It's a sweaty bird.
No, we're not having turkey.
Ham.
We're not having a lot you're going to eat.
Oh, fuck.
This thing's going to suck.
Oh, I can't wait for our Uber Eats order.
Yeah.
Is that for Kevin?
You guys are dancing.
You guys are doing your sweetheart dance.
Are you doing a sweetheart dance?
What's a sweetheart dance?
Oh, you two, your first dance?
Yeah.
We talked about this.
A little bumping grand.
A little fucking dog.
Like a long cane poly.
Fuck you.
I won't do what you tell me.
Who's that?
You guys are just head banging.
Get up.
Yeah.
Bah with the bah.
Bang, bang, diggy, diggy.
Okay.
All right.
I'm sorry.
I apologize.
You might have given me that information that just caught me and Luke off guard
that there
was, you got costumes 