Name: Tim Dillon Returns! | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast
Uploaded: 2025-04-27T23:00:42.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tim Dillon Returns! | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-04-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tim Dillon Returns! | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-04-27. Transcript available.

Tim Dillon Returns! | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast

Hey gang, check out this short clip from the Route 66 tour on our YouTube page.
I'm not even lying, I just shit my pants.
What happened at the garage?
Hey, how are you? Do you guys have a bathroom?
You saw that, huh?
I'm curious as to what do you want to get out in front of this thing?
These are dangerous questions.
Are those the shorts you were wearing?
Unfortunately, they are.
Dude, that's fucking disgusting.
Hang on.
Unless you were wearing plastic underwear, which I do.
I did not think you were.
It didn't go through.
No, dude, that's insane.
I'm telling you, it did not get to the outer layer.
What you may know is the upper atmosphere.
It stayed within the molten core of the bungee.
The underwear, on the other hand, didn't make it.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
I appreciate your hospitality.
Of course.
I mean, I've seen you go to the bathroom a lot.
I've never seen you walk out with evidence.
Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage?
The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals
or absolute trash.
Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast.
This is Are You Garbage?
Take two.
It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find
that after the group to be classy.
Yeah.
After just a big old piece of trash.
Trash, trash, trash.
I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day.
We're out back here at Tootie's in a new edition.
She's upstairs in a K-hole.
Okay.
So, we're on our own for dinner, boys.
Good for her.
My co-host is coming at you from right next to me.
He is the CEO of Are You Garbage?
He is an international businessman and my best pal in the whole wide world.
Give it up for KJ, Kevin, James, Ryan, everybody.
What up, gang?
Shout out to you.
Thanks for tuning in.
As always, please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes.
Full video available on YouTube.
Also, full video available over there on Spotify now.
No big deal.
And then, the greatest website of all time.
Don't got to tell nobody in this room.
www.patreon.com slash are you garbage?
You go over there, you get all that bonus content, gang.
Yes, sir, and gang, we couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly,
and I mean incredibly special guest back with us again today.
He is the American Messiah.
One of the funniest.
One of the most prolific stand-up comedians, podcasters, and actors working
today.
He's got a brand new special out on Netflix, I Am Your Mother.
And we got him back here after a long absence to see if he's moved on from his
garbage roots.
Does he belong in an Erewhon with $40 a pound chicken salad?
Or is he really the Entenmann's rich, frosted donut he always was?
Give it up for the great Tim Dillon, everybody.
Thank you.
Tootie's doing that medical ketamine, though, right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, it was recommended to her.
She's working on some things.
It's PTSD.
She's in a hot tub right now.
I talk to people, they go, I got PTSD, I'm doing ketamine.
They go, from what?
You've never served in a war.
Yeah, that's a big jump to do ketamine if, like, your dad was mean to you.
Yeah, PTSD.
I've got gout, I'm doing blow, huh?
Get the blood flow moving.
Buddy, thank you for coming back.
Congrats on the special.
Thank you so much for having me.
Congrats on everything.
Well, that's very sweet of you.
I didn't want to come back because we had such a killer one.
I know.
I knew that's what you were doing.
I was like, it's been so good that you didn't want to come back and spoil it.
Because that was the number one one for a long time.
Yes, sir.
I think you're still, you and Gilly are going back and forth.
Yeah, yeah.
Now, the show has evolved since you've been on.
Now, listen, as we know, one of the truest garbage men in the business.
Sure.
We all come from it.
Yeah.
It's cherished here.
It's celebrated here.
You've been blowing up.
Sure.
A lot of fancy things going on.
Well.
Let's go.
He's got blue sweatpants shorts on right now.
I mean, you know, I mean.
Dude, the polo sweatpants shorts are crazy.
Let me tell you right now, when you get out of a black car and you walk into a
DXL, it
cancels out.
When you pull up in a black car and you walk into a DXL, it really does even
out in a negative
way.
Sure.
Where do you go?
Do you go to 6th Ave?
You know the boys down there on 6th Ave, the DXL in there?
There's no other ones.
That's my guys down there.
That's the only one.
Yeah.
That Indian woman?
Yes.
She's a good woman.
Yeah.
She's a good woman.
Woo.
My guy angel down there.
Yeah.
I know him too.
Do you really?
Of course.
Oh my God.
That's so funny.
That's right.
That's the last stop before you get deported.
Then you work at that store.
You clothe fat people.
Then you go to that prison in El Salvador.
Woo.
Start shaving your head.
Yikes.
Bad news.
Now let's see.
You've traded your Via Veneta in for gelato.
Yes.
But let's see.
Yeah.
Let's see.
Let's see where you're at.
I'm surprised because I think I might be right back on the trash ometer.
But it could be better than I know.
When's the last time you had a Carvel?
Have you had a Carvel in the last couple of months?
I have a Carvel gift card in my wallet.
Number one.
I actually have a Carvel.
I was given for my birthday.
It's probably a black card.
I was given for my birthday a Carvel gift card.
Okay.
And they don't like that in Carvel.
A lot of Carvels in Long Island are run by the Asian community.
They're a very business savvy smart community.
Yes.
And they don't like a gift card.
They don't respect it.
Yes.
They don't give it the way it should.
So they really do.
When you present the gift card, they flop some sprinkles on.
They don't do it the way they should.
But the last time I've had one, the other day, I door dashed a Carvel to the
house.
Holy shit.
That was one of my questions.
What was the last thing you door dashed or Uber Eats?
Would it have been ice cream or have you done it since then?
The last thing.
I'll just go.
Can I go to door dash and I'll let you know?
Let's get the real feel.
Was it a shake?
It was not a shake.
It was just a vanilla with crunchies, cookie dough, and fudge.
Wow.
I mean, this guy's doing it right.
Door dash.
That's crazy.
They bring it right to the condo.
You got a Bentley and you're door dashing Carvel.
I love it.
You know, what am I going to do?
Buy a Carvel?
The duality of man.
You should open up a franchise.
I should open up a franchise.
We'll call Jason.
Can I open a franchise?
So I'll tell you right now, I'll go to door dash and I'll go to my last order.
How many times a week do you say you're door dashing?
When I'm not cooking.
But you know me, I'm cooking most nights.
No, uh, the, for the audio listener, he rolled his eyes.
No, I, you know, I'm doing a lot.
Unfortunately, it's a, uh, it's a lot of, it's you in New York city, you know,
it's a
lot.
Have you used the stove at your place?
I have.
I make some scrambled eggs are good.
I make some, you know, I'll do a, uh, every now and then I'll do like a, uh,
you know,
kind of stir fry.
Okay.
Look at you.
I respect it.
I mean, that's a big step up.
I ordered, uh, meatballs and I ordered annual, a ricotta annulati from bar preemie
with vodka
sauce.
That was my last, that was my last hurrah.
Okay.
What do you think the world would be like if vodka sauce was never invented?
I don't know.
You know, I don't even want to picture it.
One of my big things right now is I, I don't like the Italians on social media.
There's too many Italians on social media.
They're big on Tik TOK.
I don't, these Italians to me are a problem and have to be watched.
Yes.
And part of the problem is like, we all grew up with this stuff, chicken parm
and stuff.
They're acting like they're putting us on to.
Sure.
Penne alla vodka.
Yeah.
And we've been there.
Yeah.
So to me, it's like annoying when a guy's like, oh, meatball, mozzarella,
chicken parm.
And I go, hey, hey, hey, I've been there.
Enough with the cacio e pepe.
We get it.
We get it.
It's cheese and pepper.
We get it.
And we've been doing it.
And it's not a big deal.
You're not breaking new ground.
Yeah.
We know cream sauce doesn't go in a carbonara.
We're aware it's egg yolk.
We get it.
So to me, I get a little frustrated with it.
And the vodka sauce now, like, to me, all these rubes moved to New York City.
They're from Ohio, these rubes.
And then they wait to get into a restaurant like Carbone.
They have spicy Ritoni.
My friend's mother make you spicy Ritoni, too.
She'll tell you the world's flat.
She'll talk a little bit about January 6th.
But let me tell you right now, you want a spicy Ritoni, you'll get a spicy Ritoni.
And she'll tell you a lot about Michelle Obama's cock.
A little side of Texas toast.
Yeah.
All right.
Okay.
We're off to the race.
And we're off.
So far, we went after the Asians and the Italians.
I said they were a smart business community.
I want to ask you this.
You know, you're well-traveled.
You hang out in certain circles.
That's right.
I want to talk about a dinner party.
Sure.
I want to talk about two things.
One, if you're having a dinner party.
One, if you're going to a dinner party.
What do you think it's appropriate to bring to a dinner party?
What does a guy like you bring?
If I'm going, I'm usually bringing nothing.
Let me tell you why.
Here's the fucked up thing.
We talked to an etiquette coach.
That's the right answer.
It is the right answer because here's the thing.
I'm going to a lot of these dinners as, look, a local pig.
Sure.
They're bringing me.
They have clipboards and white coats.
They're bringing me to the dinner party as a local curiosity.
An animal you'd point out on a tour bus.
Everybody gets 10 minutes sitting next to you.
For example, this is a local pig who we've brought in here and everybody kind
of pets him.
Get the kids.
Take a photo.
The yak woman canceled.
So, really, it's a curiosity.
I'm a curiosity.
So, no one wants the curiosity to show up with anything because here's the deal.
When you go to a dinner party, I think you're there.
They want to do their thing.
Yes.
You are.
They don't want to do a potluck.
No.
But if I had to a raspberry cream pie from Brian Muir Farms.
Gentlemen.
Which is great.
It's a top-notch pie, Brian Muir Farms.
They won't sponsor me.
You've asked?
I haven't asked, but we've, you know.
You've plugged them enough, I'm sure.
I wear their hat a lot of times.
I've seen the hat.
I've mentioned this to you before, I believe, but you ruined me with the Haagen-Dazs,
what
is it, raspberry cheesecake or what is it?
White chocolate raspberry truffle.
Oh, man.
Yeah.
If I could turn back the clock on that.
It's a great flavor.
Delicious.
And it allows you to feel a little festive.
Yes, it does.
There's something where you feel a little festive.
I think at ice cream, you know, here's the way I look at life now.
You've got to have a little treat.
You do.
You do.
You've got to have a little treat, and it has to be.
He just said that in the kitchen.
He grabbed a power bong.
I need a little treat.
I came out.
He was eyeing.
Well, so it says cookie dough flavor and one gram of carb.
I don't even know what these things mean anymore.
One gram of this.
I wasn't out of the bathroom yet.
I just heard him talking to himself going, I could use a little treat.
A little treat.
Oh, pick me up.
So I think when you have the white chocolate raspberry trophy, it's a little
treat.
I'm not being a gluttonous pig.
No.
I'm having a little treat.
Yes.
A little treat.
That's the difference.
White chocolate's good for you.
It's a little treat.
It's a little treat.
Now, have you been on the other side of that where you throw a dinner party?
You know, I'm sure you put out a nice, great host.
We got to the infamous summer party.
We got a caterer.
Tim Dillon and Steve.
We got a caterer.
We had valet parking.
We had valet parking.
That's how classy this dirt bag can be.
We hired this guy.
It was six bucks a car, but it was a little bit.
Yeah.
Fuc