Name: Jessica Kirson Returns! | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast
Uploaded: 2025-05-04T23:01:02.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Jessica Kirson Returns! | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-05-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Jessica Kirson Returns! | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-05-04. Transcript available.

Jessica Kirson Returns! | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast

Gang, we got a big announcement.
The Back on the Block Tour is going on sale.
Do yourself a favor.
Get some tickets.
We're coming to a city near you.
We're doing big shows, some of our favorite spots.
We can't wait to see you out there.
Yeah, starting in September, we're in San Francisco, Portland, Seattle,
then Burlington, Vermont, Boston, Massachusetts, Atlanta, Georgia,
Charlotte, North Carolina, Raleigh, North Carolina, Richmond, Virginia,
Baltimore, Maryland, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, at the Met.
The biggest show we've ever done.
Let's go.
Then we're doing Rochester, New York, and Toronto, Canada.
All tickets are on sale.
Get them at RUGarbage.com.
Do it.
Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage?
The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals
or absolute trash.
Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast.
This is Are You Garbage?
Oh, yeah.
It's our little show we sit down with your favorite comedians,
and we find that if they're good to be classy.
Yeah.
If they're just a big old piece of trash.
Garbage.
I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day.
We're out back here at Tootie's in the new edition.
She's got a little pink eye.
Oh, no.
Yeah.
The party trick's kind of snuck back up on her.
Okay.
She won't be doing that again.
Okay.
My co-host is coming at you from right next to me.
Slightly amused this week.
He is the CEO of Are You Garbage?
He is an international businessman.
Bit of a tough crowd.
Give it up for KJ.
Kevin James Ryan, everybody.
What up, gang?
Shout out to you.
Thanks for tuning in.
As always, please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes.
Full video available on YouTube.
Also, full video available over there on Spotify, gang.
Check that out.
Part of that creator program.
And also, the best website in the world, www.patreon.com.
Go over there and get all that bonus content.
Yes, sir.
And gang, we couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly, and I mean
incredibly special
guest, back with us again today.
It has been a while.
The last time she was here was in the infancy of this program.
Sure.
She came through the ringer as classy.
Yeah.
But now we're going to try to find some dirt under those fingernails.
She is one of the funniest.
Yes.
One of the best.
One of the most hardworking stand-up comedians out there today.
And she has a brand new special out on Hulu right now called I'm the Man.
Give it up for the one, the only, Jessica Kersen, everybody.
Wow.
Thank you so much.
There she is.
Thank you.
Look at you.
The best.
A killer.
Wow.
I feel-
What the hell was that?
I feel unsafe.
Yeah, that was such a weird pause.
We all thought we were all going there.
We'll put in some laughter.
Oh, yeah.
Can you juice that up?
We're going to take both of us out of here, too.
It's going to just be you.
Thank you for coming back on the show.
Yes.
It's been a while.
I'm so glad to be here.
I was like, I've been dying to do it again.
Oh, we're going to get you this time.
One of the heavy requested guests, so we're happy to have you back.
Oh, that's so nice.
We haven't crossed paths in a minute.
You know what I mean?
It's been a while.
Everybody's out there running around.
I think it was the last time at Moon Tower, and you're one of those people that
when
you bump into, we saw you at the airport.
Oh, that's right.
We took an Uber together.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
And we took an Uber, and I was just like, we're just in there.
And right away, you just start trashing people.
And I'm like, oh, my God.
I fucking love her.
Yeah, it's familiar.
Yeah, you're just like, ah.
It's comfortable.
I feel like that with you guys.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I don't feel like that with everybody, but I really feel like that with you
guys.
Thank you.
Like we were in rehab together.
Exactly.
They're old war buddies.
What are you going to do when you get back to the world?
All right.
I need to, we got some vengeance here.
We got to get the dirt under the fingernails here.
I don't know how you came out classy.
I don't either.
I mean, Jersey.
What the hell were we asking you?
I don't know.
You were like the eighth episode.
We were still getting our feet under us.
Now we're seasoned bros.
Yeah, it was horrible.
You know what I mean?
The hardest question was, what's your favorite color?
Yeah.
Now we're going to get you.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
I'm going to kick it off right now.
Please, what do you got in the hopper there, big man?
Any athlete's foot currently?
That's so weird you just said that.
Oh my God, do you?
That's a great question.
I think I have-
She's getting real political.
Thank you for that question.
Yeah, yeah.
Thank you.
I don't think it's athlete's foot because I can barely get out of bed, but my
toes are
very dry and itchy.
There's something-
I think because they've been in so many vaginas.
A couple of toe jobs.
Yeah, yeah.
No, I seriously noticed that yesterday.
I'm like, oh my God, I have very dry, flaky toes.
Are you moisturizing daily?
No, I don't take care of myself.
I really don't.
Do you wash your feet?
Because that's something that's come up.
You do?
Yes.
In the shower, you go past the knees?
Yes.
Huh.
Like once a year.
Once a year, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, no, I'm really like lazy when it comes to like creaming myself.
I'm trying.
I really am.
You don't have a skin routine?
You don't have a facial routine at the end of the night?
No, and I have to.
I really need to start doing that.
Okay.
Yeah, but it's-
I'm being honest.
It's such a pain in the ass.
But I did like literally for the first time in years look down and I was like,
something's
going on.
Something's a mess.
Yeah, something's happening.
Okay.
Daffodils are growing on your toenails?
Yeah.
Any bad toenails?
I have really nice feet.
Okay.
Like I should, I should-
I mean, with that information you've shared-
I know.
I should-
I would say that, would tell otherwise of them being-
Except for the dandruff and the flakes on them.
They're really dry, itchy, and red.
Except for the corn and the syphilis.
No, they-
I have nice feet.
Okay.
I'm serious.
Like I could-
You're proud of them.
I'm going to put my feet online and make a lot of money.
There you go.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Now Jim Norton's going to contact me.
He's going to be outside in a minute.
Is Norton a feet guy?
I think so.
I think Norton's an everything guy.
Yeah, I think-
Hey, I'm with him.
I don't think there's much that he shines away from.
I don't have a dick, but I do have nice feet.
Shout out to Jim Norton.
All-time fave.
Okay.
This is one that's come up that's been popular in the show of recent.
Who was the most famous person you met growing up?
Wow.
It could have been like, you know, a radio guy or-
Local news.
Local news.
So when I was a kid?
Uh-huh.
Or, yeah, at any point.
Well, I've met a lot of people in my life.
Obviously.
Of course.
Yeah.
But before comedy.
Right.
Ernie Ernesto.
Ernie, who the hell is Ernie Ernesto?
He's a very popular newsman on CBS.
He's like a newsman.
On CBS.
Yeah.
Oh, I just saw him.
He's in every diner in New York City.
I met him, I think, at a restaurant in Jersey.
Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, I'm trying to think of who I met as a kid.
That's a perfect one.
That's a great one.
That's really good.
Any local newscaster is fantastic.
Yeah.
Okay.
But then it changed, of course, over time.
Sure.
Who, now even in comedy, who's the most famous person you've met?
I mean, I've met-
Bobby D.
Probably, right?
Right?
Oh, right.
De Niro.
Right.
De Niro is the, I think, is the biggest star.
I forgot about that.
And I worked with him and became friends with him.
Yeah.
I remember that.
That's fucking crazy.
That was going through the scene.
They're like, oh, yeah, Jessica's hanging out with Robert De Niro.
We were like, what the fuck?
It was in his ear during the whole movie.
Yeah, the comedian.
That's fucking crazy.
And that was just from him seeing me do stand-up.
It was a great story.
Right, yeah.
Yeah.
But because of my stepbrother, who was a child actor, you know, I met a lot of
people, like,
years and years ago, and that was fucking weird.
Yeah.
Yeah, like big stars, you know, like Danny DeVito and Reese Witherspoon and
this one and
that one.
But I think besides De Niro, and there were so many people in that movie, like
Harvey Keitel
and Joe Pell, like all these people.
Yeah, damn.
But the big, I met Madonna.
Really?
At the cellar?
At the cellar.
Yeah, she was doing comedy.
And I was freaked out.
I don't get freaked out.
I think that's why De Niro liked me.
I'm not like, oh my God, it's like, I just saw him as like an older Italian man.
You want to work with me?
You know?
But when I saw Madonna at the cellar, for some reason, I was really starstruck.
That's one.
Yeah, that makes sense.
Really starstruck.
Okay.
These kids today don't know.
Those stars back then, Michael, her, they were like sons.
They were stars.
Mm-hmm.
She was huge.
All right, Pop-Pop, zip it.
You ever hear of Taylor Swift?
It's like the bigger than a fucking-
Push Taylor Swift.
The economy of Brazil.
Not these bozos on Tic Tac or whatever it is.
Whatever you kids are doing, playing Minecraft.
Tic Tac.
Bobby, did he ever take you out to dinner?
You guys-
Yeah, a lot.
Did he ever take you to his restaurant in Tribeca?
I just went there-
We went to his restaurant right in the beginning and had cappuccinos and he had
a drink.
Yeah.
It's funny.
I went to dinner a lot with him.
I'm not bragging.
It just happened.
No, of course.
No, this is-
You're in a safe place.
I mean, I'm filled with self-hatred.
No, yeah, of course.
I would go to dinner with him and Harvey Keitel and-
Get the fuck out of here.
And Danny DeVito and the producer to Il Molina a lot.
He's Il Molina.
That's their spot.
Who picks up the check in that situation?
They're not splitting it.
Can you imagine?
I'm like, I'll leave the tip.
You're trying to pay with a gift card?
I mean, it was De Niro because it's, you know-
It probably, he's got like a-
You're right.
You know what?
The producers picked up the check a lot, too.
Yeah.
They should, rightfully so.
Because that's what they do, these Hollywood-
Sure.
I got it.
You know.
What's Bobby D like?
A chicken parm?
Amazing.
What's he go for?
I mean, they would order-
It was fucking insane.
Sure.
They would order like, you know, the fish, you know, the raw fish and the-
They bring shit.
When you're that famous-
Yeah, it's De Niro.
You got De Niro.
They just bring stuff.
You don't even order.
Think of the meals, those guys.
It was-
De Vito.
Schwarzenegger.
Cigars.
Espressos.
Zambucas.
Chilling.
Tons of espressos and sambu-
Yeah, that's exactly what it was.
That's awesome.
A lot of meats.
You know, they come over with the cheese and keep grating it.
It's just, it's amazing.
Now, let's say you are out to dinner, not with somebody of that ilk, but, you
know, and
you know that person's picking up the check, not a De Niro or a producer.
Now, will you gauge what you're ordering if someone else is paying?
Yes.
You will.
You'll scale it down.
You'll go step down.
You're not going to go for the surfing part.
I don't scale it up.
I was brought up really, like, down to earth, believe it or not.
It was-
I don't know why I wouldn't believe that.
Well, because I was brought up in the Jersey suburbs where people had money
compared to-
A little bit of cash.
Sure.
Yeah, yeah.
But my parents really, like, I had a job at 14.
I worked at Lord & Taylor and I worked in the coffee place and they gave me,
like, eventually
a really shitty car that my sister had, which had, like, one wheel.
I mean, it was, I was, thank God, brought up that way.
Yeah, modest, yes.
Because it's made me work as hard as I do.
Of course.
And appreciate things.
If you go out to dinner with somebody that's paying, they get the chicken, you
don't get
the two-pound lobster.
No.
Right.
No, I would not even, I don't even get an appetizer, which is, you know.
Sure.
I would, like, it's like o