Name: Patreon Episode: AYG Goes to Prison - Are You Garbage (FULL)
Uploaded: 2025-05-23T16:01:32.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Patreon Episode: AYG Goes to Prison - Are You Garbage (FULL)' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-05-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Patreon Episode: AYG Goes to Prison - Are You Garbage (FULL)' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-05-23. Transcript available.

Patreon Episode: AYG Goes to Prison - Are You Garbage (FULL)

Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage?
The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals
or absolute trash.
Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast.
This is Are You Garbage?
Great.
It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find
that it's good to be classy.
Yeah.
Just a big, old piece of trash.
Trash, trash, trash.
I'm your host, A. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day.
We're out back here with Tooties in a New Edition, but I got to tell you folks,
why is that flannel boy?
Because of the motherfucking...
Because of the motherfucking...
My bad, Windex.
What?
Blue sky all day.
The motherfucking homies.
What?
You son of a bitch.
They're the goddamn homies.
The fucking shareholders, the board members, the sleeper cells, the kippies'
eyebrows.
As I've been saying, the undercover agents and the undercover brothers.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Here for a little bonus episode on the old Patreonist, gang.
Sure.
We got a fun one for you.
As I said, my co-host is coming at you from across the table, working the wood
chipper today.
Give it up for KJ, Kevin James Ryan.
What up, gang?
Shout out to the motherfucking homies, dog.
Makes you want a Rocco's looking at you in that shirt.
Your tank sausage place right on the seatbelt.
You been talking about it a lot lately?
You know what I'm talking about?
Had a tank, Jane?
Play stupid with me now?
They do sit down now.
Clams Casino.
Not bad.
Are you done?
That's a very H. Foley move.
Introduce me than just hang out in my intro.
Fucking just loiter.
Say hi to the people.
You're stalling on camera.
You freeze up.
Like fucking Tony Romo over here.
Say something.
Jesus Christ.
Man, you really are a ham, dude.
What up, gang?
Shout out to you.
I fucking love you.
I fucking hate my co-host at the moment.
Do you?
Well, he came in as a bad day for you, if we're being honest with you.
I don't think that's true at all.
Okay.
How is it a bad day for me?
Luke, can you run down his statistics so far today?
I'd say it's barely run of the mill, but he came in, insulted me.
Right away.
Okay, he showed up an hour and 12 minutes late.
I did not show up an hour and 12 minutes late.
I was 12 minutes late.
No, what time were we supposed to be here?
10 a.m.
Buttons at 11 was what I got.
And yes, but that means we show up at 10, we pow, we have a heater, we talk
shit.
You guys got shit to do.
I just come up to work when I show up, and I usually just get yelled at.
So you did come in.
You did come up to work.
You went and start until 12.15.
So there was the hour.
That's because you guys were talking.
Yeah.
Okay.
All right.
Sure.
About peanut butter or something like that, whatever you were talking about.
There's about 12 talk to text that I didn't need to hear that I've heard.
About 15 reels.
I'm sorry, I'm conducting business.
Are you coming to the show?
That's what I'm getting.
Who are you coming with?
Fucking something else.
But I love you.
Thanks, buddy.
I was talking to Luke.
Oh, what are you, what did I insult you about?
That's when you know you're wrong.
What did I insult you about?
Came in late, said, oh, are these cameras set up, dickhead?
That's exactly what you said.
Hey, got me there.
It's good.
Oh, hold on a second.
This big phone call.
Hang on.
Big phone call we were warned about.
Hey, buddy, what's going on?
All right.
And we're back.
Big man had to take care of some business.
Yeah.
You know, I know you're on your heels.
I might have to jump on a call.
What was that, the call?
That was, I thought he was already done.
Apparently, he's just getting in there.
Sure.
I got to jump on a call.
Okay.
My plant is sick, and I've had this plant for like,
eight years.
The money plant?
That's all I got.
Is that the one?
Yeah.
It might have spider mites.
Or.
Or are you kissing it?
Gave it herpes.
He's got a cold sore.
Herpes and a bad attitude.
I've had it since it was a baby.
It's like six feet tall now.
I don't got any kids.
It's spider mites.
You don't?
No.
Now your kid's got spiders.
And it was in a pot.
It was doing great.
And then it's getting tall.
She starts fucking busting my bone.
We can't get changed, Mary.
You have to put it in a bigger pot.
Put it in a bigger pot.
And sure as shit, it's fucking going.
Now it's going downhill.
And they don't know.
I don't know what it is.
The leaves are turning yellow.
But it's not because they're dry.
So I don't know if we're overwatering it, underwatering it.
If there's a fungus in there.
Was there not a good drainage in there?
So, I mean, we're like freaking out about this.
So I fucking.
I found some fucking guy in Long Island City that fucking does like.
He's like a vet for plants.
I got him at the house right now.
The bird wearing something sexy.
A little half-price disky.
Something's like a watch on the ring cam.
Later.
Ain't that.
So.
Oh, hold on.
I mean, this is nuts.
That was not the call.
I mean, what call are you waiting for?
From the guy?
That was her saying she's here.
All right.
So you're waiting for a call from.
He's going to call and give me the report when she's done.
But she can't get the report and make a decision?
I don't want to do what she has to say.
But I mean.
I want it to talk to the guy.
You don't know any.
He's going to go, hey, these are your options.
And what are you going to go?
Are you going to run it through your botany filter?
I want to hear it from the source.
Only plant you know are the Chiba, dog.
Plus, I want to be able to tell if he's been smooching.
Jesus.
See if he's out of breath.
You son of a bitch!
Get your hands off my plant and start kissing my wife.
God, God, I love you.
You're a unique brand of guy.
Anyway.
Gary.
And I'm not the type of guy to fuck.
I just, I don't want to.
I love this thing.
This is, this is, I've had this thing like seven years, eight years.
I remember you used to sit on the table when we would do hard feelings at your
apartment.
I hated going to that apartment.
Now it couldn't sit on it.
Now it's like six feet tall.
That was crazy.
Plus, obviously, there's a superstition behind it.
Sure.
Something happens to that plant.
It's like Final Destination.
A random two by four will come to.
I'm holding it.
Wait for a minute.
The Butterfly Effect.
Wasn't that the same thing?
No, I don't think so.
You sure?
I don't think, I mean.
Wasn't he cheating death, Kutcher, in Butterfly Effect?
Something like that.
No, no.
It was just, he would do something and then it was one little thing.
The ripples of that would change his life.
It was like different times or something like that.
Oh, he was a time traveler?
I think it just showed him his like different worlds or something like that.
I don't know.
Who cares?
I'm a Topher Grace man myself.
Really?
You don't like Topher Grace?
He was good in a couple of things.
No, it wasn't.
Who said he was an asshole?
Oh, that was like a rumor running around.
It was to the, wasn't he the, didn't Michael Cera play him in Judy's Game or
whatever?
Judy's Game?
Cera's Game?
Wasn't he the famous card player?
I think it's reversed.
Topher was playing Cera.
No, it was Michael Cera.
No, I think Topher was acting as.
You're talking about Ocean's Eleven when they were doing the card games.
No, he's talking about Molly's Game.
Molly's Game.
Molly's Game?
Who's in that?
Find out who that, I think that was about Topher Grace.
Is that what Jessica Chastain?
He was the, I don't know names.
Yeah, it's her.
Yeah.
Love her.
She's all right.
Zero Dark Thirty.
Ah.
Zero Kippy Horny.
How you doing?
No, it's Tobey Maguire.
Tobey Maguire.
Tobey Maguire.
Fucking nerds are lucky I don't fucking flex on them pussies.
You don't like Tobey Maguire either?
Get out of here.
Spider-Man.
Oh, only thing less likable than him is you.
That's all I got.
I'm no Spider-Man.
I really puttered out on that one.
Okay.
All right, let's fucking get into it.
Boys are going to jail.
What?
Fucking turn state's evidence fucking flipped on everybody.
Somebody get me Todd.
Jesus Christ.
Somebody get me Todd Spodak on the phone.
You know what I want to do?
What do you want to do?
No, nothing.
I was going to say we should give you a shit.
You sound like a fun guy.
You're a real cool dude, huh?
We should do an episode where we wear headpieces.
Why?
So we can use our hands.
I use my hands anyway.
Down here.
You got my thumb on my hands.
Got a butt plug right here.
Waiting on a call.
By the way, this is behind.
This is on the Patreon, so we can talk about this.
Have you seen the Instagram videos?
You're a fucking lunatic.
Have you seen the Instagram videos where they got the girls in the...
Oh, my God.
Don't finish this.
They got the girls in the...
What's the yoga pants?
And they have the butt plug in, and you can see the little light in there?
Sure.
Whew.
Man.
Get you going?
Imagine that.
Imagine being able to...
Who gets away with that?
Whores.
What do you mean?
No, but I mean, who has that kind of relationship where they're just doing fun
things like that?
I think most of them are porn stars doing it for the video.
I don't know.
Looks like regular gals to me.
To get you to the OnlyFans.
Yeah.
What?
They're in, like, Home Depot and shit like that?
You think whores don't go shopping?
You're going to buy the butt plugs.
That's fun.
Spice?
Hey, we'll do it.
You don't do nothing like that?
We'll do it this weekend if you want to.
Come pick me up.
I'll put on something.
I'll put on something risque for you.
You got a mag light up there?
Keeps falling out.
Things loose.
You got one of those lights that they use to stop the paparazzi?
Like a lighthouse.
Woo-wee!
I love Topher Grace.
Okay.
That's neither here nor there.
We're going to jail.
All right?
Danny Masterson.
He's in there.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
What is wrong with me?
Not a cool guy.
That's why Topher got a bad rap.
They said he didn't like any of that crap around the set.
And he grab ass.
Yeah, he didn't grab ass or nothing like that.
He was a professional.
Okay.
That's what I was told.
By who?
Topher Grace.
The guy that plays red?
I'll tell you what happened.
I love that guy.
Are you kidding me?
He's somebody's brother, isn't he?
Your cousin?
Let's quit screwing around.
Yeah.
So, we're going to the can.
We're going to the can.
Okay.
This is how to survive?
How to survive in prison.
I know how I'm going to survive.
Get my knee pads and my butt plug and my yoga pants.
Woo-wee!
Little Susie.
Okay.
Uh-huh.
Now, where are we going?
Federal?
County?
Federal.
Federal?
Five years federal.
That's the sentence.
Fuck.
Because I feel like anything over...
I don't know what...
Non-violent crime.
I killed a man.
You're fun guys.
Partying too hard.
You killed a guy.
You killed a guy.
What?
You're getting five years.
You're getting a good lawyer.
Todd Spodek.
There you go.
Got me out.
Get you off.
What are the charges?
I don't know.
Something non-threat...
Non-violent.
Non-violent crime.
That's not what I'm telling everybody when I get there.
Skimming the...
Mine's cooking the books.
Okay.
Yours could be eating them.
This guy ate the whole non-fiction section.
Good luck finding out what happened to Harry Potter now, huh?
Ah, that's fiction.
That's fiction.
Those non-fiction books are thick.
Sure.
A little mustard.
What?
I don't know.
I said I was eating them.
Hold on.
What do you want to go to jail for?
If you did go to jail for, what would it be for?
Tax evasion.
Don't say that.
It's fucking crazy.
I don't do any of that shit.
I'm fucking paying my back taxes.
But you do...
I mean, I'm just saying, obviously not you now, but that is a world where that
was the biggest
thing hanging over your head.
I wouldn't have gotten to that.
What are you talking about?
Would have been all right.
Okay.
I'm paying it now.
No one's...
Listen, you're getting defensive and weird about this, and it's fine.
I'm not saying you're not.
But...
I was getting made fun of by the fucking suits about it.
I know.
Just tax debt I'm payi