Name: John Crist! | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley
Uploaded: 2025-06-22T23:00:20.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'John Crist! | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-06-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'John Crist! | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-06-22. Transcript available.

John Crist! | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley

Gang, do you have a garbage question that the boys have to hear?
Do you like stand-up comedy?
Do you like having a night out with the boys, having a couple of bops?
Come see an RU Garbage live show.
Yeah, we got a second show added in San Francisco, then Portland, Seattle,
Brea, California, Burlington, Vermont, Boston, Massachusetts, low ticket alert,
Atlanta, Georgia, Charlotte, North Carolina, Raleigh, North Carolina,
Richmond, Virginia, Baltimore, Maryland, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania,
at the Met, Rochester, New York, and Toronto.
Get your tickets now at RUGarbage.com, and we'll see you on a road.
Back on the block.
Welcome to another exciting edition of RU Garbage,
the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals
or absolute trash.
Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast.
This is RU Garbage.
Oh, yeah.
It's that little show where you sit down with your favorite comedians,
and we find that I think you're going to be classy.
Yeah.
Just a big old piece of trash.
Trash, trash, trash.
I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day.
We're out back here at Tootie's in a new edition.
She drank all the milk.
Okay.
So if you're looking for a bowl of cereal.
I'm screwed.
You're going to have to use coffee creamer.
All right.
Second time I told her, don't drink all the milk.
All right.
Fair enough.
Yeah.
Seven hours down the drain.
My co-host is coming at you from right next to me.
He is the CEO of RU Garbage.
He is an international businessman.
I'm my best pal in the whole wide world.
Give it up for KJ.
Kevin James Ryan, everybody.
Hey, everybody.
Thanks for tuning in.
As always, please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes.
Full video available on YouTube.
Also, full video available over there on Spotify, baby.
And those numbers are cooking.
Look at the charts over there.
I know.
Then the best website of all time, my brain is mush.
The best website of all time, www.patreon.com.
Go over there.
Get all that bonus content, gang.
And gang, we couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly, and I mean
incredibly, special guest
here with us today for the first time.
He is a very funny, very successful stand-up comedian, podcaster, and author.
And you might have seen him in, but not limited to.
You got Gotham Comedy Live, Fox & Friends, Nashville Squares, The Tonight Show
as of recently.
You can hear him every week on his amazing podcast, Net Positive.
He has multiple stand-up specials out, including John Crist would like to
release a statement,
What Are We Doing?, and his brand new special, Emotional Support, which has
already got 3 million
views over there on YouTube.
He's got his book, Delete That, and he's going to be kicking off a fall tour.
August 31st in Las Vegas, Nevada at the Encore Theater, the Jokes for Humans
Tour.
Do me a favor.
Give it up for Mr. John Crist.
Oh, man.
Look at you.
That was the best intro I ever got.
Thank you, buddy.
That was great.
And I did it with the ears going in and out.
I know.
Luke's throwing me curveballs over there.
Luke, you're killing me over there.
Luke's got a new setup, and he screwed us.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, John Criston here.
It's coming in and out.
I got it, though.
Look at that shacket.
Look at that nice shacket he's got on.
I got it.
You're in here blowing it.
Really showing your ass, little guy.
Oh, look at you, crawling in like a rat.
He's under the table.
This is an all-time flub by new guy Luke.
That actually might have fixed it there, big dog.
That's a little crisp.
Thank you, Lucas Patukas.
Appreciate you, bud.
We got to get you in all black like a stagehand.
It's going to go back out again.
He's fired.
I don't know what you're talking about.
John, thank you so much for coming in, buddy.
And I apologize for Luke's behavior thus far.
I'm honored to be here.
Look at the dude.
Look at the beard.
It keeps it tight.
Good-looking kid.
Look at you.
Good-looking guy.
Are you 34, 35?
Yeah, I'll take that.
41.
41?
Oh, yeah.
Are those veneers, or are they yours?
No, these are real.
God damn it.
This is a wild podcast.
Kind of underwear you got on, huh?
Oh, yeah.
Let's get to it.
I've never been called out so quick.
We also did get pretty bogged down on how he looked right away.
Hey, good-looking kid.
What do you want from me?
I've been out of the house in a couple of days.
Buddy, give us the back story.
Give us the origin story.
Oh, no, dude.
Yeah.
The southern boy, I believe.
Is that right?
Southern boy.
Yep.
One of eight kids.
Whoa.
What?
Wait, you are or your parents are?
I'm one of eight.
That's old school stuff.
Holy hillbilly.
God damn it.
One of eight kids.
Dad is a Pentecostal preacher.
Really?
I don't know what's funny about that.
I don't know.
Or Catholics are right.
This is the beginning of a Stephen King novel.
I like it.
Everybody homeschooled.
That's what's funny about it.
Shoot, shoot.
That's all.
That's all the time we have the name.
Wait a minute.
We're good.
I think we got it.
Hold on a second.
Hold on a second.
Hold on a second.
Okay.
Where are you from exactly?
Lil Burn, Georgia.
Sounds like a rapper.
Lil Burn?
He just got shot, didn't he?
Shout out Lil Burn.
He's in with that Drake.
That's not a good start.
Lil Burn, Georgia?
Lil Burn, Georgia.
Holy shit.
How do you spell it?
L-I-L?
L-A-L-B-U-R-N.
One word, though.
Lil Burn.
A posture.
What record labels he on?
Lil Burn.
One of eight kids.
Yeah.
Your dad's a preacher.
Yep.
What'd your mom do?
Stay-at-home mom.
Eight?
What kind of kid?
That's a lot of daycare you're paying for.
I think it's, well, so my, so my, I wish any of these were made up, but my
extended family
is Amish.
Really?
Get the fuck out of here.
Where, where, where, like where Amish?
So my parents, my grandparents split off from the Amish community and went to Mennonite.
Right.
It's like.
Yeah.
Amish light.
But electricity.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's a Mennonite.
They can watch football.
Yeah, but they still know, they don't believe in healthcare.
They don't believe in war.
I see them at the Wawa outside, like in Lancaster.
Yeah, the Lancaster, Pennsylvania.
That's where my parents are from.
No shit.
That's where we spend every Christmas.
Really?
In the dark.
We used to go and watch your family on field trips.
Really?
We'd go on a bus.
Explode us.
And go and be like, look at these fucking haircuts these guys got.
That explains the pies you brought, huh?
Yeah, so they.
My family.
My parents grew up like that.
They became Mennonite.
And then my dad went to seminary.
And then he.
If Amish.
If Mennonite broke off from Amish, Pentecostal kind of broke off from Mennonite.
Yeah.
No shit.
Wait, so your parents were both Amish.
Extended family.
Like grandparents.
What does that mean?
Grandparents were Amish.
What does this mean?
Stop him?
You went like this.
This guy's putting the whole system on dry.
He came in with his Amish magic.
And he's tricking us.
Can you read my thoughts?
Throw some Skittles in front of me.
I just get distracted.
Wait, your parents.
I realized.
Wow.
He's the only one to ever pick up on.
I have an odd body language thing with you where I have to clear the air
because I see you getting confused.
Your grandparents were Amish.
Grandparents were Amish.
Grandparents were Amish.
Your grandfather broke off.
Yeah.
So, Dan, they were in like the same town or whatever.
Yeah, Lancaster, Pennsylvania.
Holy shit.
He was a, ran a dairy, dairy farmer.
That's crazy, man.
Probably good milk.
Great milk.
Yeah.
Great.
I thought he needs some.
Yeah.
Okay.
Wait a minute.
That's pretty good.
Wait.
So, how would you guys go back and spend Christmas there?
Weren't they shunned?
We still do.
All right.
So, in the-
You go to the Mennonite side, not the Amish.
No, the Amish side.
We go to the Amish side.
But they're Mennonites now.
Yeah.
You're not hanging with the Amish.
You're hanging with the Mennonites.
No, we're hanging with the Amish.
Dude, you must be on like a dude from the future.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Blowing people's minds.
They're like, what?
Yeah.
They don't know about the Tonight Show, but if they did-
They'd be impressed.
Jimmy Fallon!
They'd be impressed.
Well, okay, so if you leave-
So, the Mennonite church is-
The Amish church is having problems now because people are finding out about
stuff.
Sure.
Like the internet.
Sure.
Like if it just when you-
Oh, they're finding-
Yeah, I gotcha.
Well, every cult-
It's not a cult.
I love the family I'm from, but every religious org has to have control of
information.
Sure.
And once a kid goes, wait, what?
What are they doing in Times Square?
I'm out of here.
I'm out of here.
Everybody.
Yeah.
So, everybody-
So, you know what Rumspringer is?
Yeah, what's the rate on that?
Don't a lot of them, probably less and less are going now.
The temptations are-
Oh, everybody's-
So, at 18, you can go out, do whatever you want for as long as you want, and
then once
you come back and join, you got to be under the rules of the bishop.
So, a lot of people, what they're doing now is leaving and then hanging around
the community
and never joining.
Ah.
So, they can have an iPhone, but they're-
They're in the world a little bit.
Yeah, but they're chilling, but they still like to have the baked goods, and
they're
still Christian.
Sure.
But they're like, you know, I vape.
Sure.
Yeah, and I shouldn't say that about-
They're like, you exposed us, and I'm already garbage.
It's like when you-
They'll never see this.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's like, let me talk to Jimmy Fallon.
He's sitting down with Jimmy Fallon and Robert De Niro.
I love the Amish.
The best.
Yeah, great people.
I've been watching a lot of YouTube videos about Amish people recently.
That's crazy.
And also, Lancaster, I mean, that's like-
Man, they throw out Lancaster.
We're two dirtbags from the Philadelphia area, so Lancaster, that's like crazy
time.
They throw out a buffet up there near Dutch Wonderland that'll blow your-
That's the world's largest buffet is out there.
A lot of baked goods.
Well, you know, the Mormons, they're the ones that don't do caffeine.
Yes.
Salt Lake City, you can't get a cup of coffee.
You can't do caffeine.
But I said, if the religion, because they updated, they're like, all right, we
got to
include black people.
Like back in the 70s, which is very late.
There was no black Amish?
No, this is Mormons.
Okay.
There was no black Mormons.
Yeah, so there were like no caffeine.
You could tell it's kind of, the rules were kind of created on the go, because
it really
should be no sugar.
Gotcha.
Right?
Sure.
That makes sense.
Because they were like, no caffeine.
But back in the, remember the 80s, like caffeine was like, you have a Dr.
Pepper before bed,
and you don't know what you're going to dream about.
Sure.
And now, if they're updating, the Mormons should be, because sugar, we grew up,
sugar's
great.
Hey, look at us.
Yeah.
No one ever, no one, when I was growing up, no one ever had a problem.
No one ever was like, watch the sugar.
Yeah.
Never.
No.
We have pixie sticks, dude.
I know.
Shout out to them.
We still got them here if you need any.
We're not Amish.
If you let the black people in, you get rid of the sugar.
You're trying to explain this to them?
They're all just staring at you?
What?
All right.
Wow.
Yeah.
Okay.
So, how are you able to go back?
Okay.
Because your grandparents were obviously in the church.
My great-grandmother was an Amish church.
So, they weren't shunned.
That's not necessarily shunned.
Or they weren't?
No.
They left the Amish church.
Okay.
So, there's still an olive branch between them and the community.
They still hang.
Okay.
Yeah.
Whose house do you stay at when you guys go back there for Christmas?
I stay in a hotel.
So, there's a place called, this is going to blow your mind, but there's a
place out north
of Sarasota.
You can look it up.
Sarasota, New York?
Sarasota, Florida.
Oh, okay.
It's called Pinecraft.
It's like Amish.
I don't know what's, any wa