Name: Patreon Episode: The Pickup Artist - Are You Garbage (FULL)
Uploaded: 2025-06-27T16:00:34.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Patreon Episode: The Pickup Artist - Are You Garbage (FULL)' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-06-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Patreon Episode: The Pickup Artist - Are You Garbage (FULL)' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-06-27. Transcript available.

Patreon Episode: The Pickup Artist - Are You Garbage (FULL)

Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage?
The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals
or absolute trash.
Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast.
Who caught you slipping, didn't I?
Nope.
Are You Garbage?
Is it?
God damn it.
I lost my place.
Oh, no.
Keep it going.
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast.
This is Are You Garbage?
No, it's not.
A little show where we sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find that
it's good to be classy after just a big old piece of trash.
I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day here at Antutty's.
I'm not going to tell you folks that.
Oh, man, the big man's slow.
Hachi-machi, gay.
God damn it.
It's fucking Luke's fault.
No, no, no.
Because I'm mad at it.
Why?
Because that game is lighter back, and he acted like it was nothing.
I had it for like two weeks as Gotham Lighter.
So you wanted credit because you stole something, then returned it?
I forgot it.
But that's something that just goes away.
You never see that again.
I brought it back to him, then he left it up.
Man, you are a psycho.
But you steal something, then you won credit, and you're upset that he's not
happy that you gave it back.
A couple bucks, something, you know what I mean?
Take me out to dinner or something like that.
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast.
This is R.U. Garbage.
It's that little show we sit there with your favorite comedians, and we find it
good to be classy.
Yeah.
Just a big old piece of trash.
Patreon.
I'm your host, Hank Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day.
We're out back here at Tooties in a new edition.
But I'm not going to tell you folks that.
Why is that pinhead?
To the motherfucking homies.
To the motherfucking homies for a little bonus episode right here on the old
Patrione.
You sound like you just got out, but it was actually your voice.
Why am I here on the old?
Sounds like we're having tech issues.
I had a tootsie roll at the back of my throat.
My co-host is coming at you from across the table.
He is the CEO of R.U. Garbage.
And he can be a crude man before he's had his sweet greens.
Give it up for Kevin James Ryan, everybody.
That's what I call my blunt rolls.
My sweet greens.
You can't smoke doobie.
You couldn't handle it.
What do you mean?
You couldn't roll with me and my crew and smoke.
You'd be all fucked up.
First of all, you can't handle it, dude.
I've seen you fucking wig out.
Yeah, it's fucking dickhead in L.A.
Definition of moon.
Fucking blow me up with moon rocks and then send me to a strange room.
It's a fucking bug out city, man.
What's up, everybody?
Here's a goddamn family program we're doing talking about your narcotics.
What's up, gang?
Shout out to you.
We fucking love you as the fucking Patreons, the homies, the sleeper cells, the
shareholders,
the members of the board, the goddamn boots on the ground.
The schnifters.
The side workers.
How you doing?
Hey, Dylan.
We're here for a little bonus episode.
Today, we're going to be covering...
Let's see if he knows.
Today, we're talking about The Pickup Artist, which was a popular show in the
early 2000s.
If you remember, a couple weeks ago, we did the trashiest TV show the early
2000s, and
this one really stuck out with Kevin.
What just happened?
He blacked out.
I came to you.
You don't remember?
Because he was a fat ass and didn't play sports.
I was at fucking lacrosse practice getting it in.
This guy was home watching daytime TV.
This came out in 2007.
Drinking SlimFest.
Ain't nothing wrong.
I was working on my figure.
Smoking Cools.
Yeah, so obviously, I guess it was last week was Fat Court.
So the week before that, we did trashy television shows.
And I don't know this program or this gentleman.
You don't know the program.
You don't know the gentleman.
It's kind of funny that this was on the list because...
I never needed any tips on how to pick up broads.
Yeah, you do.
I've watched you strike out.
Not back in the day.
I mean, this wasn't last week.
This is fucking 10 years ago.
I rolled into the party with my acoustic guitar.
You stunk.
Flicked my hair.
10 years ago, you were no good.
Man.
48.
What are you?
I've been stinking all the way through.
So if you're not familiar, this is a VH1 program that it hits.
You know what VH1 stands for?
Very Hot Ones.
No.
Video Houses.
No.
Video.
Am I right?
I don't know.
You have no idea?
Luke, see if you can get what the VH1...
First of all, Luke's got four fucking computers over there.
Luke's panicking.
It's crazy.
He's got a chair from the fucking...
From the other room in there.
Hey, what's that goddamn kitchen chair doing in here?
Let me live.
But he's gonna be pissed.
So, this was...
So the pick...
The show was the pickup art.
This was during that fucking heyday at trash fucking reality TV shows.
What do you got?
On Video Hits 1.
Video Hits 1.
This was what happened was there was a strike.
There was a writer's strike.
And they started doing a couple reality shows.
And they realized, hey, we can do these cheap.
And a lot of people like to watch them.
Well, it was like human interest.
Or just like, here's the craziest guy.
This is the pickup artist.
This is the fucking whatever guy.
So, this is the pickup artist.
This was an American reality TV show.
Which a lot of the homies recognize.
A dating themed game show that aired on VH1.
The show was hosted by pickup artist Mystery was his name.
A.K.A. Eric Von Markovic.
Fucking...
I changed my name to Mystery too.
Eric with a K.
Yikes.
And his wings...
His uncle's Dracula.
His wing dogs...
His wings...
They called them...
That's how cool...
His boys?
This was when...
This is like the height of Entourage when being cool was cool.
Being cool is not cool anymore.
Bad jeans.
Dude, bad...
Like weak crew.
Affliction.
Crew flexing.
Getting the shit kicked out of him.
A lot of accessories.
A lot of chains.
Finger stuff.
Gloves.
I tried a little bit of it.
You must have sucked.
His wingman, J-Dawg...
What's up, J-Dawg?
Was Justin Marks and the Matador.
James Matador was...
The Matador's pretty good.
The Matador's...
He's a big jacked Indian dude.
Fucking yoked.
Big set of hair on him.
That's all right.
He's fucking...
The Matador's cool.
That was...
That was...
This was the prime time of like wearing a vest that didn't button.
That kind of...
Like a tiny vest.
With a t-shirt?
Yeah.
A t-shirt and a tiny leather vest or whatever.
Like the...
What are those guys called?
The band.
Mumford & Sons?
Yes.
Yeah.
But even this...
That's like folksy and like hipstery.
This is like...
These dudes thought they were like the coolest guys in the world.
Mumford & Sons, they look like Brooklyn bartenders.
I mean, that's cool then.
I mean, that's an old bit you used to do.
No, I didn't.
Nuh-uh.
Looks like someone's off the writer's strike.
Trying to get my bennies.
I look how you're spursy right in.
You get the old shit.
What?
That port strike came and went, by the way.
Port strike?
The port.
Yeah, they signed a thing they had to get back to work.
A Jiminy Taft or something like that.
That guy.
That guy's living in a $6 million house.
What?
He was living in a $6 million house.
$6 million house in Jersey.
And, listen, I come from a pro-union family, but...
Kibbe had this guy marked for death.
Also, you shut down the ports, the Chinese are going to have something to say
about that.
What are you, nuts?
You know who runs that, huh?
It ain't the Cub Scouts.
He ain't no band leaders either.
Rodney Dangerfield.
Yeah, you want to get your permits done.
I just like, you know, yeah.
There are a lot of people, a lot of money at stake that that guy, you know...
Again, I come from a union shop myself.
I'm not throwing shade.
But then, hit guy would show up to press conferences or make videos.
And every time they started, it could be like, oh, people were like, those
sunglasses are $1,800.
That watch is $35,000.
All right.
Well, that's whatever.
All the, you know, union strikes aside and your writer's strike that's going on.
So, they brought in, throughout the show, so the first theater, eight
contestants that had previously been unsuccessful in love and relationship.
He's going to try to get these guys laid.
Throughout the show, the contestants are tutored in the art of the pickup as
taught by Mystery and his wings.
In each episode, the men were given challenges that involved picking up women
in different situations, such as a bridge during the day or a nightclub.
Like, dude, it's crazy.
Under the bridge or on top of the bridge?
I'm an under the bridge kind of guy.
I'm a throw-he-in-my-trunk kind of guy.
Going to get laid under the bridge.
A couple of 20s.
Yeah, they were instructed to pick up women at varying levels of difficulties,
such as the second-to-last challenge of the first season.
Met had to pick up a stripper.
Decided, described by Mystery, as the ultimate challenge.
Really?
Uh-huh.
Because he calls them hired guns, I believe.
Ooh.
Strippers and bartenders are paid to, like, engage with you and flirt.
Sure.
Been down that road a lot.
You ever date a stripper?
Yeah, one guy.
His name was Nick.
He worked at the cave.
Let me.
I used to know a guy named Nick who worked at the cave.
Dancing?
Yeah, he was dancing.
He grew up with my brother and my sister.
Good-looking dude?
Attell went and did Insomniac.
At Helium.
Mm-hmm.
And went to the cave, which was the male dance facility.
Okay.
And one of the-
Look at me acting like I don't know.
Wait, wait, you don't say the one up on Delaware Rock.
I just seen it at the lollipop, huh?
Rudy.
Who's Rudy?
I get fucked up.
I like to dance.
I do fucked up shit.
The lollipop's a great name for a club.
Sure.
So that's the show.
It was one of those shows.
It's like, hey, these guys are nerdy virgins for the most part.
We're going to throw them in to talk to hot chicks in L.A. and put them in a
mansion.
He's got a bit of a Criss Angel vibe.
Very Criss Angel-y.
Does this guy do good?
Does he get ladies?
I don't-
I mean, so we have-
So we pulled a couple of videos.
We pulled a couple of his, you know, short instructional videos or have you say.
So play the trailer of the show.
Eight ordinary men.
Hey, there's Kevin.
Each has conquered some of the most difficult challenges of manhood.
Puberty.
Driving.
Shaving.
But with all their masculine successes, there's one thing they haven't been
able to figure out.
That's how to close ass.
I've had women for a long time.
I don't know what to do when I'm talking to women.
For them, it's a puzzle they can't solve.
Who's the lightsaber?
I need to be coached.
It's like I have a boxing trainer.
Just like I got taught how to break down.
I'm the 40-year-old version plus five years.
That's you, dude.
That's Foley.
I had that shirt.
I know you did.
And those hairy ass arms.
That's-
That's-
Bitches just don't get me.
These don't, brother.
Probably about two serial killers in this cast for sure.
How did I miss this?
Dude, it was-
I thought I watched it in high school, but I was watching this in college.
Late college, looking for tips.
I was trying to open up his set.
That's what he calls a group of broads.
A set.
And he had to go open up the set.
He had to crack a flock of pigeons.
I can open up some skeezers.
This guy's nuts, dude.
So what years was this?
This aired in 2007, so probably shot 2005, you know, 2006.
You're a little filmmaker, aren't you?
I've had stuff in the can.
In my can.
I mean, I don't remember it at all.
Mom, they'll kind of take turns, and they will wax my eyebrow to make it so I
have two eyebrows.
Women tend to think I'm gay.
Does size really matter?
Uh, like, yeah, I am a virgin.
Until now.
Meet the world's most successful pickup artist.
A man who goes by only one name.
Mystery.
This guy has Dungeons & Dragons written all over.
I don't get how this guy's mystery.
That's how wacky of a time it was.
That guy was closi