Name: ARI SHAFFIR Retires! | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley
Uploaded: 2025-07-20T23:00:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'ARI SHAFFIR Retires! | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-07-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'ARI SHAFFIR Retires! | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-07-20. Transcript available.

ARI SHAFFIR Retires! | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley

Wait, hold on, before you sip, I have a toast.
There are good chips.
Let me take this from the top.
Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage?
The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals
or absolute trash.
Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast.
This is Are You Garbage?
It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find
that they have to be classy.
Yeah.
But they're just a big old piece of trash.
I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day.
We're out back here at Toadies in a New Edition.
She's out in the living room watching a little QVC.
Okay.
With a side of DMT.
Okay.
So, who knows what's going to be showing up at the house.
My new co-host is coming at you from right next to me.
Cobo Jones, everybody.
That's my boy, Cracker Jack.
What do you call it, Sousa Press?
How often do you see Starsky and Hutch?
When you're selling slaves, you've got to look for two things.
Fucking honey bear over here.
My co-host is coming at you from across the table.
He is the CEO of Are You Garbage?
He is an international businessman.
He's my best pal in the whole wide world.
And I love him.
Give it up for KJ.
Kevin James Ryan, everybody.
What up, everybody?
Shout out to you.
Thanks for tuning in.
As always, please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes.
Full video available on YouTube.
Full video available over there on Spotify.
And I got a book climbing the charts over there, baby.
And then the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com.
slash RU Garbage, you get over there, you get two billion hours of bonus
content.
Yes, sir.
And we're trying to keep up good faces here, but we've got a very special guest
here.
His final, final, final performance here.
Yeah.
That's true.
On RU Garbage.
You're retiring, I hear.
Yeah.
I'm retiring.
That's right.
The Ari Schaefer farewell tour.
Farewell tour has come to an end, and I had to drop into the garbage boys to
say goodbye
one last time at Favorite Pod.
He's heading off to the, what's it called, the seed locker in Antarctica?
They're putting you up there.
They're putting me in there.
Looks like you've already been there a couple of years.
They're getting rid of the Jews.
They're like, we thawed one out.
It's not our best.
And he's really Jewish.
Mr. Ari Schaefer, everybody.
The legend.
Look at him.
Thank you, boys.
At this point, you're currently somewhere in the world.
Yes.
Yeah, I'll be out.
I'm gone.
Enjoying the world.
Where in the world is Carmen Epstein, huh?
What if I could just go straight to Epstein Island and just stay there?
What'd you see?
I'm like, all sorts of stuff.
I don't want to talk about it.
You're going to be traveling around.
You're going to do your thing, and you're coming back.
Take a little sabbatical.
I'm just going to travel around and see the world.
Learn some Mandarin.
And you're starting your new life.
Yeah, and then I go to London.
Damascus.
London, Damascus.
Yeah.
Open up Syrian comedy club.
Oh, yeah.
What a great one that would be.
Listen, there's a lot of jokes you can't do here tonight.
Almost all.
Syrian comedy club.
Head to a roll.
Yeah, you guys got to go visit me in London.
You guys got real topical real quick.
Nobody's coming to London.
What do you mean?
It's right there.
Nah.
You are.
You have been inviting a lot of people to a place you're not currently at.
Yes.
That is true.
That is true.
That's like when I get my new house, it's going to be.
I'm sure I'll probably have a spare bedroom for the first time in my life.
You're welcome to come stay in it.
Also, you think I'm going to fly across the fucking Atlantic Ocean to live with
you?
You're fucking nuts.
Let's come have a Coors Light.
Like, let's just do it on Zoom.
Fucking beans and mash or whatever you got over there.
I love the guy.
You're going to be in some tenement in Liverpool?
That'd be great.
All jammed up.
Oi!
You look like you should be chasing Robin Williams around the house.
You with an old school Billy Cleo, you look like a cop from the fucking 1950s.
Dude, I love this so much.
It's insane.
I don't, I mean, you are constantly.
The guy who works, there's a bodega where they sell cigarettes right near the
cellar,
just up towards Ben's.
I know.
Yeah, they're great.
They are so nice.
Yeah, he's a good guy.
Good guy.
You open it, they take, if you open it, you go, oh, you got a trash can?
He goes, I'll pay.
Just make it.
I got it.
Yeah, most people are like, get out of my store.
Yeah, they're so nice.
When I had the half and half cut, he was like, can I take a picture and send
this back to
Punjab?
He's a big Kill Tony fan, that guy.
Is he?
Huge Kill Tony fan.
Wow.
Man, that Tony's got reach.
I was in there watching on a black and white TV.
Also, it's nuts he didn't recognize Ari with a half a beard.
Yeah.
I love Kill Tony.
What the hell's wrong with your face?
And then I got this, and he goes, I love it.
It's obviously not as good as the half and half, but this is also cool.
The half and a half was for the AYG show.
That's right.
It was.
And then I just kept it.
Yeah.
We recorded it here.
You had normal face.
The next day, you showed up like that.
That's right.
That's right.
I was at Sam's birthday party.
And your spirit of Halloween suit, whatever the fuck you were wearing.
Norma was like, what's that for?
I'm like, Ari Garbage.
He goes, I'm doing that.
I didn't shave my head.
I'm like, yeah, but you have jokes.
You got material.
Yeah.
I'm all finesse.
This guy's working.
Since it is your retirement.
Yes.
Okay.
What do you got?
Is it not your retirement?
It's real.
I'm retired.
You're never going to step foot on stage again.
I'm done.
That's what I've heard.
Are you ever going to come back to New York?
This city can suck it.
I'm going to burn it down on my way out.
I'm going to light a match, walk away, let the explosion happen behind me as
they just
very coolly walk away.
Are there any Jewish people in London?
What are you going to do for like, you know, soups and delicacies and all that
kind of stuff?
See if we can find a good Jewish restaurant or a good Jewish deli.
You think Jews got here after they got to the UK?
I think Jews got here after.
Before, I mean, they started in the UK.
I figured they would have went around.
Yeah, and then got there later.
No, there's plenty of Jews there.
There's plenty of matzo ball soup.
Bagel scene.
Not great.
Not great, huh?
Panzers.
That's the name after the tank.
That's no good, dude.
That's a setup.
We're mowing down the prices.
Yikes.
Ari, I love you.
Don't go to Panzers.
It's a trap.
Welcome to Himmler's.
What can I get you?
The Blitzkrieg Cafe.
That seems a little.
Can I sit in the shower room, please?
I'm going to try the final solution, if that's cool.
Jesus.
It's too much.
I got a hummus bar.
That's not bad.
That's like a glue trap for you guys.
Do you guys remember that place, Mao's, that used to be in the city?
You know what I'm talking about?
This city?
Yeah.
There was a Mao's in Venice that was like my favorite Chinese.
No, no, no, no.
It's not Chinese.
It's a falafel joint.
Sounds it.
I think it's Belgium.
I think it's Belgium.
You know what I'm talking about?
It was in like orange.
What do you mean orange?
There was like the sign.
Oh, the sign.
Where was it in the city?
It was over by NYU leading up to Broadway where that big fire was.
You know where the McDonald's is on Broadway?
Downtown?
Like where NYU is?
I love how your landmarks are of McDonald's.
It's right next to the Burger King.
You know, the McDonald's is across from this Taco Bell.
That's from this beer.
Three paces from the Wendy's.
Is that the Empire State Building?
The what?
That's what I'm talking about.
That's a very weird.
Oh, Mao's.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
What the fuck?
It's exactly the way I said it.
Mao's.
You said Mao's.
M-A-O.
I didn't say Mao's like it was Vietnamese.
Like Mao.
Yeah.
M-A-O-Z.
Yeah, it was out right there.
Did I have one in Union Square?
Yeah.
Maybe that's what I'm thinking.
They probably have that over there in London.
They probably do.
Three and a half stars.
Come on, guys.
Get behind Mao's.
Those plays are great.
Actually pretty good.
Closed down.
Anyway, we digress.
Since you are retiring.
Yeah.
Giving up, some would say.
Yeah.
Quitting.
Ask to leave.
Let go.
Sure.
Downsized.
Yeah, what are you actually running from?
The law.
You pissed somebody off.
Yeah.
A barber.
Done a lot of drugs.
I overdosed some homeless people yesterday.
Gave them some unknown drugs, and one of them started convulsing, and I was
like, I gotta get out of it.
You did show up with a bag of drugs that, I mean, like, listen, I've seen a lot
of drugs before.
That was.
It's so fun being Santa Claus with drugs.
No blow, though.
Did you already give the blow away?
You didn't have that in stock.
I don't take the blow for people.
They usually don't stay on the shelves.
I do it if I'm in the mood and the guy seems trustworthy.
I'm not taking that back with me.
I don't need that pressure, but.
You're not taking that back to the house with you.
Coke doesn't sit in a lot of people's houses.
Yeah, that's true.
I'm aware of that.
There's no such thing as leftover Coke.
Sure.
Supply and demand, baby.
But, yeah, all the mushrooms and the weed.
The expiration date, and that's quick.
Toosie.
That's crazy.
That one is crazy.
This guy was just peddling bad salts in the lobby.
You see people light up at different drugs, too.
You tell what they're into.
It's like, oh, catapults, oh, weird.
Oh, ketamine.
It'd be funny if we leave.
We find that he dosed out everybody.
Today's episode did not get recorded.
Brought to you by 2CB.
Power of acid.
Tootie's out there all fucked up.
Let's just knock the fuck out.
Tootie's just foaming.
Well, we did get you a little present, Ari.
Listen, we want to say this.
We love you.
We appreciate you.
You're retiring.
Yes, you're retiring.
Everything you've done for us, all the times you've been on the show.
My citizenship finally came in.
We're revoking it.
Can I give up my citizenship and let a Mexican in?
Sure.
I'm not using this.
Do a little trade-off.
You got me a retirement, I assume, a watch?
Yep.
What?
It's not a joke.
No, it's a real retirement watch.
I mean, I was supposed to get a fucking snake popping out.
A bunch of 2C flies out.
Oh, my God.
I've never got it.
Classy.
Left the price tag on?
That's three digits, bro.
Yeah.
That's a citizen.
I've never had a three-digit watch.
So it's engraved.
No.
Yeah.
Got it engraved for you.
It's a citizen.
You didn't get that engraved.
Yes, we did.
On the inside there.
Who gets the bottom of the clasp engraved?
Who got citizen engraved?
That's crazy.
So I went, no?
To Martin.
Anniversary.
It was a used watch we got in Chinatown.
It's new to you.
To Martin on our anniversary.
That's fucking great.
That's all the time we have for today, folks.
And this nice little pillow.
Yes, here you go.
Guys, that's fucking hilarious.
Oh, my God.
Try it on.
Yeah, I will.
Let's see.
How much was it?
I don't know.
It's $4.25.
Was it?
Diesel.
Said 60 bucks.
I told you $4.25.
What the hell?
That's not any engraved either.
You deserve it.
That's not an engraved.
The engraving was 70 more.
Plus, we greased them 100 to get same-day service.
You'll get the invoice.
We have a few more things.
This turned into a very expensive episode.
I don't even know how you...
Oh, there it is.
Hey, you go.
I'm going to watch this expensive and nice.
Oh, this is going to get me robbed in Thailand for sure.
This is going to be like, let me show you down this alley real quick.
What are you doing?
It's on.
This thing.
I don't know.
I'll try it on.
I'll break it.
Whoa.
Guys, this is fucking wild.
Man, you have some fucking skinny ass wrists.
Jesus.
You better get the pants.
Yeah.
Dude.
Get some bagels.
Hey, I'm on a little fucking creatine, dude.
Jesus.
You got to get some links taken out.
Diesel, don't get the links taken out.
