Name: Enter The Matrix | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley
Uploaded: 2025-07-27T23:00:48.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Enter The Matrix | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-07-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Enter The Matrix | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-07-27. Transcript available.

Enter The Matrix | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley

the fat one fell in a retaining pond you believe that welcome to another
exciting edition of
are you garbage the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are
classy individuals
or absolute trash now here are your hosts kevin ryan and h foley hey everybody
out there and
welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast this is are you garbage hey yeah
it's that little show we
sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that it's a girl to be classy
yeah they're just a
big old piece of trash trash trash i'm your host h foley coming at you on a
beautiful summer day we're
out back here at tooties in a new edition she's on her way down to strathmere
okay doing a little
competitive eating over there at the day of ill in dewville chicken wing
content day of ville it's
the goddamn dewville okay whatever my coast is coming at you from across the
table is what we
call a family episode sure just the boys the bozos and the homies just the way
we like it he is the
prince of the pie the sultan of the slice the flatbread freak but homeowner new
father i thought you're
gonna leave with something else if i was being honest future you soccer coach
of the year i'm talking about
the king of the burbs everybody give it up for kj kevin james ryan oh thank you
very much thank you
very much bug man much appreciated uh shout out to the homies uh shout out to
the everybody for
turning the homies the bozos goddamn everybody uh full video available on
youtube uh full video
available over there on uh freaking spotify which i gotta be honest with you
well what were the numbers
you hit me with the other day numbers the other day were big man's big man's in
charge of the numbers
now top top 200 i think 130 138 on all podcasts you said 100 i said 138 you're
juicing a number comedy
podcast number 38 top 50 not bad climbing the charts top 40 get dick clark on
the phone huh we're gonna
be doing top of the pops in a couple of weeks sitting down with that graham norton
shooting
getting a little anecdote from harrison ford very nice suit having a spritz
calling him harry
harry you know what i'm talking about hey indeed take it easy uh and then
obviously the greatest
website of all time www www.patreon.com slash are you garbage go over there you
get all that freaking
bonus content gang you become a ten dollar homie fun time over there you get
two a week you get hard
feelings which listen everyone if you're in you're in a real vip section it's
over there at the ten
dollar level to the cheek meat hits the road sliding across the highway there's
a there's the real feel
over there you get it you get behind the scenes behind behind behind this man
you want to know what
the real barometric pressure is get over that hard feeling studio over there in
the icebox before we
get the show started let's take a little cruise by the old corner office oh say
what's up to that
lukey patookie new guy luke of the dempsey group over there hello boys let's
see what's in the inbox
see what the outgoing mail look at you what are we in the second third quarter
of the year here huh
what are the what are the uh the projections looking like projections are
looking good ethereum's up
bitcoin's up boys are moving keeps his eye on the markets i get mad mike kramer
mad money over here
he's banging something sell sell sell that guy's a quack that guy's a nutball i
used to love him
back in the day sure when he hit dude he'd be losing it oh yeah yeah take it
easy man it's three o'clock
what the fuck i'm on my what i'm on my smoke break screaming at me uh speaking
of throwing back before
we get the show started i came across something uh in my medicine chest okay
medicine chest
is that what it's called yeah medicine chest no medicine cabinet cabinet a
chest would be stand
alone i got one of those a lot of doomies a lot of dooms down school buses in
there that's where i
park my bus i call that the bus depot call that the car wash i keep the school
buses do a little
fucking chinese fire drill sure you ever do that at the light do a little
chinese fire drill we did it at
uh at we tried it once you run it from the feds we tried it once at a train
stop like a train crossing
did you pull onto the tracks why is that first of all that's not a thing what
what really letting
it loose uh no we did it at like a yeah we were stopped for a train or whatever
as a family or friends
i think both yeah i remember doing it with my parents yeah that is garbage i
think the car was on fire
everybody can't be every man for himself your mom's topless
throw my dad a hummy anyway i came across this in the back of the old medicine
cabinet
which really brought me back to around this time of year as you know i love it
young kid you're a you're a big in the past guy because the present ain't great
that's called escapism according to my big man's living in an escape room
welcome to the bug man escape room no way out except back in time it's like the
kobayashi maru you
can't win the what deep cut keep it moving don't ask no questions that's right
you star trek fans out
there uh-huh which i've been getting knee deep into sounds asian what kobayashi
kobayashi maru
is the guy that he don't want to shout out to the black widow
yeah there's a doctor in charge of fugishima everything up listen watch the
tuna um
it's watching you keep it landing salmon uh the kobayashi maru is the test you
get at the star
fleet academy okay which is unbeatable the only one to ever beat it was captain
james tiberius kirk
who went in who failed it then went in then asked to take it again went in the
night before rigged the
game and won and was was was was famous for doing it it was an unbeatable
scenario
no you didn't beat it you cheated to beat it that's the only way to beat it
that's how captain kirk does it and closes a couple of alien ass get the hell
out of there
this guy's a guy did all right he's a scammer i didn't know that not what how
dare you all right
hey enough with your 1970s television show it's new the ones with chris pine
good stuff um
fair enough luke henry let me take everybody back oh wait should i look yet to
the summer
go ahead to the summer in the 1990s uh-huh man if you knew a young lady that
was using that the
whole bathroom smelled like it man that really cleaned the pores out i thought
that was for
nether regions really no wonder you like the smell you got acne on your tank
what are you talking about
uh do you know that i know yeah that's the your that that okay all the products
that that everyone's
using now whether it's your sugar scrub your salt scrub your marula oil
whatever yous are using your
under eye cream whatever the ladies are doing this is what the broads in the
early 90s had and that's
all you got you got that and a little herbal essence you had to make it work i
remember tugging my
route to that moisturizer that that conditioner just sitting there smelling a
bottom man i would
get turned on when i smelled it can i say this i would wail on myself and i'd
be like pavlovian
response i'd be walking down the the shampoo aisle to acme and i catch a whiff
of that next thing you
know i got a hard on you can hang from start getting sleepy by the time i got
that at dinner rolls
can i say this what you know i'm an old man
and you don't really notice that that much anymore what a woman's the way a
woman's hair smells as much
as it did back in the day remember like a girl would get on like the bus in
high school and the
whole like the hockey the whole bus would smell like it it would just smell
like i don't wanna i'm
not trying to trying to if you cut now i don't i don't remember that you don't
remember that oh the
whole box that's too much product the whole bus smells i thought it was nice in
the summer
or you know you know towards the end i'm not saying it doesn't but i you know
the whole bus
whole bus what i say you heard me a bald brick
yeah now i don't know i'm also i'm not bumping into that many broads anymore
you true true i'm a
one-man band of course does your wife's hair smell good yeah yeah i miss that
you know what i mean
hot chicks their hair used to smell really good i would argue hot chicks hair
probably smells better
than ever if i had to guess double what do i mean you know just not around hot
chicks not that i was
around hot chicks previously of course i met one and i married i tell you what
i i don't mind you
know what i like is that dry shampoo the ladies are using i don't get that
either there's a lot of
stuff i don't get it i started using it though i'm a bar of soap man and i'm a
pantene pro v when i do
wash my hair i gotta be careful i don't wash it uh that's all i use everything
else i don't know i
don't know nothing about nothing i at one point was the oxy not oxyclean
his face disappears talking about uh clearasil no the pad the circle
not oxyclean those things oxy oxy pads i think they were oxy pads yeah yeah no
those are look what do
you got oxy those are the butterflies huh butterfly wings no these were the
circle the oxy pads yeah
that you would man that's i remember i found them we were at noxzema family
that shit fucking stung
noxzema i tried to pull it one time with that shit holy
oh it's like a night in the gulag it's like jerking off with a peppermint patty
getting stuck in a
chinese finger trap uh i um what i remember mike my what do you have there it's
just oxy pads really
up did their whoa what the fuck is that they still do the pad no one ever talks
about monster energy
drink take those over more now i'll tell you what with those things though you
would do them and you
would see the dirt on your face you knew it was working that's what i'm saying
and every time i
watch my i go i wish i didn't know listen i got i'm getting back on these yeah
i'm getting them too
yeah they were the soap you go oh okay i'm clean now yeah because you see it
stop working the pores
yeah now they have those borosil pads whatever they're called the things you
put over your nose
and you pull the blackheads out yeah those are great what are they called borosil
clearasil no
either way those are all right borsan no i don't know what it is
that's the pure that's what i'm thinking oh be your your fucking beat it let me
that i don't like
that marketing somebody called him up get that straightened out that looks like
you're selling
me fucking perkadoodles what the oxy it does look like oxy a bunch of guys
scratching
waiting in line i took four remain they ain't working there it is nothing
smells like that
stuff sure i'll give you that cut scrub it had like it was the first time that
had that i ever
used something that had like the little whatever those little beads in it the
exfoliator scrubber
yeah they were nice you know you were that little bit of cash someone had those
that the big thing
for us was the the broads would get in the bath and body works like spritzers
they were like they were
hot for a while man it was like there was like a cherry one if they would have
one they would have
them in baskets in yeah you get a basket not bed bath and me on bath and body
work yeah everybody got
into that that was big that took over the mall like fucking nothing you would
believe yeah that and
the the shirts that's that clamped together down at the bottom what you know i'm
talking about the
onesies bit of a freak aren't you huh is that what you're into yeah jennifer aniston
used to wear them all
the body my wife will throw one on from time to time luke got that um
yeah i do catch that whenever i i forget that you know she'll watch from time
to time watch what the
program oh what the hell me and my oxys uh and she'll be like and i'll forget i'm
in i'm in the zone
i'm in the riffing zone here i'll let something fly not that i always protect
the innocent but i'll
make a joke of course uh man and she'll be she'll say something to me i'm like
that is a deep cut i
didn't think you know i'm like oh you listen you made it 53 minutes because i
think maybe she'll
listen to 