Name: Starbucks VS Dunkin' | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley
Uploaded: 2025-09-03T21:00:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Starbucks VS Dunkin' | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-09-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Starbucks VS Dunkin' | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-09-03. Transcript available.

Starbucks VS Dunkin' | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley

I got a question for all you bozos and homies out there.
Do you think you're garbage?
We'll come find out the boys are about to hit the road
for that Back on the Block tour.
We're starting out there on the left coast, baby.
Yeah, we got San Francisco, Portland, Seattle, Brea.
Then we got Burlington, Vermont, Boston, Massachusetts,
Atlanta, Charlotte, Raleigh, Richmond, Baltimore,
Philadelphia at the Met, Rochester, Toronto.
Guys, get your tickets now.
These will sell out.
We love you.
They'll see you on the road.
Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage?
The show where you find out if your favorite comedians
are classy individuals or absolute trash.
Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back
to everybody's favorite podcast.
This is Are You Garbage?
Oh, yeah.
It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians
and we find that they're good to be classy.
Yeah.
Just a big old piece of trash.
Trash, trash, trash.
I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day.
We're out back here with Tootie's in a new edition.
She killed a ladybug last night.
Okay.
She's fucked.
All right.
My cousin's coming at you from across the table.
He is the CEO of Are You Garbage?
He's in an investment.
He's an international businessman.
I get you flustered, don't I?
And my best pal in the whole wide world.
Give it up for KJ, Kevin James Ryan,
because I was thinking of trying to explain to you
why that joke didn't hit.
Because it wasn't a joke.
It was more of a statement.
Which is a joke in itself.
If you kill a ladybug, that's bad luck.
Uh-huh.
So she's screwed.
Now I get it.
So you don't know about that kind of stuff.
Hey, hit the laughter.
What's up, gang?
Shout out to you.
That's a bunch of gang laughter.
Boo.
What's up, gang?
Shout out to you.
I was talking so fast because I was trying to explain that to you in my head
and spit out, do my posting response.
Okay, now you're ruining the rest of the show.
You ruined the tootie.
That's your fault.
Now let me try to dig us out of this hole.
Hey, your crab's in a barrel, buddy.
Let me fly.
Let me fly, baby.
Shout out to you.
I got to do the goddamn business up here.
We got me all fostered.
Man, your ladybug stink is all over me.
Make sure you rave you some stink.
Everybody got that out there.
Listen, I understood it as a sentence for sure.
I wasn't confused.
And meaning that her and I are so crazy when it comes to that stuff
that now she's petrified because she's going to die
because she accidentally killed a ladybug.
I'm pretty sure you killed a ladybug on your way here.
I know.
Talk about your seven years of bad luck starting the day.
It was on Saturday night.
I did it by accident.
Okay.
All right.
Now we're telling you.
All right.
Stop.
Shout out, gang.
His little tail came out.
You know what I'm talking about?
That little thing came out.
I was like, oh, man, I'm going straight to hell.
So I wrote a tootie out of it.
Should have bounced that off in the writers' meeting.
Luke thought it was good, right?
Nope.
Guys, make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes.
Full video available on YouTube.
Also, full video available over there on Spotify.
And hit them, big man.
All right.
I could have a ladybug.
Look over.
I'm crying.
Obviously.
I didn't mean it.
We're climbing the charts over there, dickheads.
The greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com.
So I'll show you garbage over there.
You get all that bonus content.
Gang, I'm talking episodes hard feelings every week, which is the runaway hit.
Bonus episodes of AYG.
All the bonus content from the past four or five years, whatever we've been
banging over
there.
Check that out.
And then the boys are hitting the road.
I cannot wait.
There's a little bit of chill in the air.
We're getting back on the planes.
We're getting back in the van.
And we're going boots on the ground to meet the army of frigging garbage.
Dear God, get me out of this dump.
Let me get a couple of miles.
Out of this city.
Between you and the devil.
I need the homies.
I need the homies and the bozo.
I need big hugs.
When you see how the heck I need a big hug.
All right.
These guys fighting seven years of bad luck.
I can't wait to get back out there.
Yeah.
Get your tickets.
Starting on the first runs on the West Coast.
We got LA, Seattle, two shows in the same frame, and Portland.
Get them tickies and hang out with the boys.
Yeah.
Come hang out with the boys.
Speaking of which, you got a little family episode going here, if you couldn't
tell.
Just the boys, the bozos, and the homies.
And before we get that started, let's take a little stroll by the corner office
and say
what's up.
What?
The embodiment of summer.
It's all over.
Back to school, Luke.
Look at him over there.
I had my pumpkin spice latte today.
He did.
You had your pumpkin spice latte.
You did your US Open.
You watched the-
A little rich girl.
Yeah, the little finale of all your shows, your summer house, and all that kind
of stuff.
Now look at you.
Now it's back to school, right?
When you're-
What sorority are you pledging this year?
I'm rushing theta, kappa, what whore?
Did you get your high leather boots that you're going to go apple picking in?
Of course.
And all that stuff.
All the fall colors.
Reds in this season, boys.
A little slut.
Look at him.
All right.
What are you doing?
All right.
What?
You got ass on a brain.
I can't play along.
Get a tight body on that kid.
All right.
I got a little something I want to share with the class here.
There you go.
Now bend over and pull them apart.
Do you ever like, do you ever like, I was doing something where I was like, ah,
this is genius.
And then for like a couple of days afterwards, it hit me where I'm like, ah,
this is, this might be, and I'm bringing this to the court.
An invention?
You had something?
A little bit.
See, I told you.
You're not wrong.
You did.
You did mention it.
Right.
This isn't an invention, though.
This is just, all right, hold on.
So as you know, I have a baby.
Yes.
And we sit on the couch.
We have a puffy couch.
It's a puffy couch.
Like, not like a, not a firm couch.
You know what I mean?
You squish into it.
Yeah.
It's a little softer couch more than a firmer couch.
Would I like getting out of it?
No.
Yeah.
I like getting in it, though.
I tell you that.
There's a sock or something.
There's a lump in one of the cushions.
I can't figure out what the hell is going.
It's like a softball's in there.
Right in your keystone.
Check it out.
It could be a key or something like that.
So, I sit on the couch.
You got a little pillow.
It goes on your lap.
He leans on the pillow.
You feed him the bottle.
Whole nine yards.
Oh, yeah?
You feed him, what?
You feed him over here?
You don't sit him like this and give him the bottle?
No, he sits on your lap.
Okay.
There's like a wedge pillow we bought.
Oh, I got you.
And he leans on that.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Stares at you.
You just got to do that.
You know, big, fat baby.
You know what I mean?
Right.
97 percentile.
He ain't light.
Wait, is your arm on that thing?
No.
Like that?
He's just right there.
So, I'm hands-free.
Oh, really?
Minus the one bottle.
Wow.
Minus, you know.
So, I got, you know.
Hey, this guy's eating 15, 16.
He's like, you know, 15, 16 times a day.
He needs a bop-bop.
You know what I mean?
So, he.
And then, you know, we have like our coffee, a nice coffee, whatever.
You know what I mean?
A water.
You got the TV.
You got the remote.
You got your phone.
Because, you know, I spent a lot of time feeding this old guy.
So, you know, I got to be texting.
I got to be breaking your balls.
I got to be yelling at Luke.
You know, the whole nine yards.
Whatever it is.
A little command area.
Yeah.
About how long does it take him to suck one of them down?
That depends.
Two seconds?
It depends.
If he's really going at it.
It's like Tom the cat with a cigarette.
Anywhere from 10 to 30 minutes, call it.
30 minutes?
If he might be a sleepyhead.
What's he, watching a Seinfeld?
You got to program it on.
You know what I mean?
He likes that Joey Tribbiani.
Have you shown him Seinfeld?
No, I don't think so.
What?
That's the first thing I did.
That's like, you know, when I play classical music in like a baby's crib.
I do that.
You should be showing him Seinfeld.
Buckles.
We're riffing, Jerry.
Jerry, please.
Get this kid funny.
Can you get me on the Tonight Show?
Better move that car, girl.
I can't do the voices.
What about Jose Feliciano?
That's the second time they mentioned him.
I didn't realize he was blind.
At the record store.
Jose Feliciano can't walk down the street and, what should we call it when I
get a mom?
That's his problem.
That's what I got.
All right.
Screwing around.
So, what I've been doing, because I need a little station here, right?
Uh-huh.
Because I got a bad, I got a bad armrest, a thinner armrest.
I can get a cup of coffee on there, you know what I mean?
But really balance it, not with him.
If it's just me or the dog, well, like, you know.
So, I've been taking my cutting board and putting it next to me on the couch as
a little, Luke, please, as a little station.
Pretty good, right?
It's a whack-ass cutting board.
Dude, that thing's got some miles on it.
What the fuck, dude?
Who have you been chopping up on that thing?
Look at that.
It's like Freddy Krueger's fucking nightstand.
It gets a lot of use.
These Europeans like a lot of fresh produce.
I'm more of a canned peas kind of guy.
You're not cutting deep.
Someone's cutting with emotion.
That's crazy.
That thing's all sliced up.
But the other day, my cup smelled a little onion-y, so, like, I don't think I
got it.
I didn't get a good wash on the board.
But that does always have a little garlic.
Yeah, that stuff stinks.
You can't get it out.
I hate that.
But.
I see where you're going with this.
Application-wise, I'm not trying to impress anybody.
I'm not having company over.
No.
I'm managing, but.
What can we do with this?
So, we have a bigger, clean one that's, like, a big one, and I've been using.
I've upgraded, but this was the original prototype I wanted to share, and I
think it's not classy.
It's trashy.
I'm using a pretty, you know, arguably not super clean cutting board.
It's clean.
It's, you know, but whatever.
I got you.
Got a little bit of stench to it.
But I got a big, nice, clean one now, and that's, like, that's, like, your
little desk.
That thing is sliced up.
I know.
It's jammed up.
That's a wacky-ass TV remote, too.
That TV stinks.
It stinks, dude.
Do you only get Ukrainian news on that?
That thing is rough.
I only get drone footage.
It's bad.
It's bad.
It's a bad TV.
I've never met a slow, smart TV.
This thing's been held back.
You press, like, I want to watch YouTube TV.
It takes 20 minutes.
It's so bad.
Now, Luke, would that be a TV thing?
That's just a bad TV?
Because the internet's quick, fat, like, everything else streams, but it's your
data processing
in your smart TV.
It's so slow.
It's the RAM in your TV.
I'm jammed up.
Or ROM, whichever way you want to say it.
Okay.
You know the difference between RAM and ROM?
Yeah.
There you go.
No religion.
Do you know the difference between RAM and ROM?
I don't think so.
I never ROM'd it in your mouth.
Nothing on that?
Luke!
I knew we were going with it.
That's computer science lab humor right there.
No wonder you failed out.
Ah, fuck that.
Tell them, Miss Bressi, your teacher, I'll ROM it in your ass.
No, I'll RAM it in my ass.
Wait, what?
Hang on a second.
All right, if you're looking, okay, first of all.
I wouldn't, unless, I wouldn't have this out when companies come, a family,
sure.
But, if I'm entertaining.
Are you asking me, what can we do with this as far as a product?
I know.
I don't know why you keep thinking, I want to get into business with you.
I think you do.
We're already in business, and that's enough business.
I don't need, I don't need side ventures.
I was going to tell you.
Nope, I don't want to know.
They kind of have something like this