Name: Cops Under the Influence! | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley
Uploaded: 2025-09-21T21:00:31.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Cops Under the Influence! | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-09-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Cops Under the Influence! | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-09-21. Transcript available.

Cops Under the Influence! | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley

Calling Seattle, Portland, San Fran, Brea, California.
The boys are coming west, baby.
We're taking the Oregon Trail out to the left coast,
and we're coming to see you.
Grab the squad and come on out.
Yeah, if you're a dirtbag, we need you there, baby.
All tickets available at RUGarbage.com.
See you there.
Welcome to another exciting edition of RU Garbage,
the show where you find out if your favorite comedians
are classy individuals or absolute trash.
Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back
to everybody's favorite podcast.
This is RU Garbage.
Oh, yeah.
It's our little show where we sit down with your favorite comedians,
and we find that it's a good to be classy.
Yeah.
Or if they're just a big old piece of trash.
Trash, trash, trash.
I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day.
We're out back here with Tootie's in a new edition.
She's going to be starting physical therapy tomorrow.
Okay.
Got her back blown out last night.
Mike Coase is coming at you from across the table.
That deserved a lot more.
What the fuck?
He is the CEO of RU Garbage.
Dude, you are all...
That's a killer right there.
I left.
I'm surprised Last Comic Standing's not calling me for that.
I'll be in a writer's room.
He is the CEO of RU Garbage.
He is an international businessman.
Let me tell you right now, despite what just happened,
my best pal in the whole wide world...
You can't put that on me.
First guy I'd want to have in the fox...
First guy I'd want to have in the foxhole.
Dude, you're all over the road today.
First guy I'd want to have in the foxhole.
Last guy I'd want to leave the foxhole.
You didn't show up late to the foxhole.
He left me a couple of heaters.
My good pal, Kevin James Ryan.
Hey, what up, gang?
Shout out to you.
As always, thanks for tuning in.
Please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes.
Full video available on YouTube.
Also, full video available over there on Spotify.
And I've got to be honest, I had new guy Luke look up the ticker, ticker, ticker,
pull up the numbers over there coming in across the wire.
And check in a minute.
The ticker tape.
Those numbers are freaking...
Nice.
Woo!
Big numbers over there.
At Spotify, it's hot.
All the kids like it.
Shout out to it, baby.
And then obviously the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com.
You go over there, you get all that bonus content.
Gang, I'm talking up to two episodes a week,
in addition to the two that we do on YouTube.
Plus, you get all the episodes from the last four or five years.
Yep.
I've thought...
Hard feelings.
A couple bajillion hours worth of content over there.
Very good stuff.
And gang, we're here for what we call a family episode.
Just the boys, the bozos, and the homies.
Just the way we like it.
And before we get started, we always like to do a little something.
Like to walk the office a little bit.
Grab a little water at the water cooler.
Cruise by the old corner office.
That's a quick cruise by.
Yeah.
Where Mr. Lukey resides over there.
Just walk by, knock on the door.
Hey, how you doing, kid?
Good to see you, good weekend, all that kind of stuff.
You know what I mean?
Do you have the numbers for me?
What numbers?
Oh, is that how it is?
Is that how it is?
Man, I'll put you back in the fucking mail room.
Are you kidding me?
I don't care who your dad's golf buddies are.
I'll tell you that right now.
Like a little brat.
Have you bringing me my sandwiches?
You think I'm going to take orders from a guy half my age?
I'll do it.
You think I'm going to take orders from a guy half my age
that has way more money than me?
Huh?
Keep them checks coming.
I'll do it.
Let me know how you like your sandwich.
Good to see you, pal.
Good to see you, too.
So, very nice.
How are we doing?
I wanted to break.
I was just trying to get his vacation approved,
if we're being honest with you.
Trying to get an advance on his salary
and get a vacation approved.
That's what he's doing.
Hey, what's up, Mr. Dempsey?
Trying to get done.
How you doing?
How the kids doing?
You going down the shore this weekend?
I got a bachelor party in Charleston next week.
What do you want from me?
He's a good friend of mine.
Brought me a coffee and some zins.
Yeah?
I brought you a log, as you kids called the other day.
Uh-huh.
Company dime.
Yeah, I figured I'm paying for that.
I'm paying half of that.
But that keeps him happy.
And you want him happy.
I didn't...
He can buy his own fucking...
He can buy his own day.
He's well compensated.
Well compensated.
Don't forget that.
You got all those goddamn computer screens in front of you.
Dempsey Group does well.
Dempsey Group does well.
Your trash is our trust fund.
Your trash is our trust fund.
The Dempsey Group.
I wanted to bring this up to both of you.
Not that you didn't know this.
All right?
But I really...
Okay, they say that you age...
Like, I don't know.
I can't remember what it is.
But it's like you notice a difference in your age in like you're 20.
Like when you're 20, something...
Some age like that.
Or some breaking down like that.
Okay.
There's actual times where you see the transition.
Uh-huh.
And I think I've crossed over into one a little bit.
Okay.
You know what I mean?
Despite my overweight appearance...
Okay.
...different than that.
I've noticed that like my eyes are changing a little bit.
You know what I mean?
They're starting to get a little bit older.
Okay.
Right?
And like my skin is starting to get a little bit older.
And the thing that I wanted to break out to you is the hair situation.
Yours.
Yes.
Not here.
This is...
I mean, come on.
We'll take...
I'll still take this at a fucking bank.
They'll give me a loan on this thing.
I don't know.
Okay.
Really?
I think I did...
You think it's a little straggly?
I've...
Listen, I'm...
This might come off as me being a hater, being that I ain't got great hair.
It's not that.
I've always been a champion of your positive assets.
I've also been a critic of your negative assets.
Very critical.
Which are very, very overwhelming.
Yes.
I don't want you to judge me on my wins.
I want you to judge me on my losses.
Because I have so many.
Judge me on my flaws because I'm mostly flaws.
Yeah.
No, I, uh...
I...
Listen, it's been better.
It's a good head of hair.
Yeah.
You're...
Yeah, you're getting a little gray.
You're getting a little streaky.
You're getting a little long.
You're getting a little gross.
Getting a little...
You know, that's all I'm saying.
I could use like a good, um...
Perm.
Blow out.
I've been really thinking about getting a perm.
Blow your back out.
Would you guys like that if I got a perm?
I'm not really...
I mean, I don't know.
Sure.
What I need...
I mean, I don't really care what you do with your hair.
It's just not that great anymore.
What I need at the right time, which I think will be around the end of this
year, to go
down, uh, some...
Find some nice joint downtown, you know?
Nice salon.
And go get a real...
Get a wash and a shampoo.
I don't understand why you don't just go do that tomorrow.
Because I...
Why don't you do that tomorrow afternoon or Thursday or whatever?
Because I would like to earn that.
I would like to be in a little bit better physical shape until I do that.
Can I give you something?
Might make you feel a little better?
You walk up, it might put you in a better mood, make you make even more better
steps.
First part of feeling good is look good.
I don't want to be the fat guy walking around with the hairdo.
But you'd rather be a fat guy walking around with a hairdo than a fat guy
walking around
with all bad gear and stuff.
It's not that.
Not the hair.
It's the other places with the hair.
Am I...
Okay.
The ear hair.
Oh.
Dude.
Do you have that yet?
It's a little.
I mean, just like a one or two, not...
Not...
Not an...
A non-issue.
Dude.
But I find it more and more...
It sucks.
Yeah.
I just don't...
Why is that a thing?
It's protection, right?
Is it?
Yeah.
I mean, I think hair is mostly protection.
So what?
I'm getting older, so it thinks that I need more...
The more hair?
It's like vines growing on an old house.
Yeah.
Ivy.
Protecting that old brick and stuff like that.
You know what I mean?
Oh, yeah.
Expose them hardwood floors.
It's kind of funny you bring that up, because I had a...
It hit me the other day.
I caught a glimpse of my hog, and I got to tell you, it's an old man hog.
I don't know if it's...
Put your reading glasses on?
I don't know if it's the baby, or just stress, lack of sleep, or now that I
have a baby,
there's like some like, I'm now...
I now view my hog differently.
An old man's penis?
It's an older...
I used to have a young...
I used to have a fucking tight sack, a spry little zinger.
Young kid running around over there.
Little, you know, little zinger on you, a little stinger, fucking pep in his
step.
Like, dude, this is like a one-eyed fucking...
Got a bit of a cough.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm up, I'm up.
Nothing.
But it was just like one or two extra wrinkles.
I'm like, what the hell is...
I caught him like, that ain't good.
That's, you know, he's just beat up.
Weathered man.
Sitting in his chair in the dark, watching the news, eating a TV dinner.
Yeah.
Huh?
That's, you know...
Sleeping in the...
Waiting on his son to call or something like that.
Sleeping in the recliner.
Yeah.
Just resting my eyes.
I'm just resting my eyes.
Yeah, I had that too.
It was definitely like a...
Ooh, man.
Getting there, baby.
Getting older, baby.
It's really now the time to start...
I don't know.
When?
What?
What the...
Excuse me?
Shut up.
You're...
Scary to think about.
So, what?
Getting older, you're 50, dude.
50.
That's crazy.
I'm 49, dickhead.
All right.
You've lived the life of a 150-year-old.
You're like father...
You're like a wizard.
Fucking guy over here.
Cut you up and count the rings.
You're like a vampire.
Uh, yeah.
I've been alive before the age of men.
I would love that.
What?
To be one of those guys.
A vampire?
Yes.
Why?
Because they sleep all the time?
Sleep during the day.
Suck dudes.
Suck dudes.
You do sleep during the day.
And at night.
You're sleeping a lot.
But I like the idea of being omnipotent.
Is that the right word?
Somewhat.
Being a rat.
Like all knowing or all present?
Well, like, if you're...
I wouldn't be able to do it now,
but if, like, I became a vampire tomorrow, okay?
Hold on.
Let me get there.
Okay.
Yeah.
All right.
I'm with it.
It took me a second.
If I became a vampire tonight,
watch my last sunrise,
probably down in New Orleans.
That's where they'd get me.
That's just from Interview with a Vampire.
Mm-hmm.
Watch my last sunrise.
Go through all that shit.
Get up.
I'm a vampire.
In, like, 400 years,
just to get all the cash I'd have,
I'd know everything.
I'd speak every language.
You, dude, nothing would change.
You think I would still stink?
Yeah.
I would still stink.
You'd still stink.
See, this is your problem.
This is your problem.
You're now living in such a fantasy world
where you're like,
if I was a vampire,
and I had 400 years to get my act together.
Get it together.
First of all, you gotta be magic.
You need 400 years,
and then you go,
imagine how much cash I'd have.
Zilch.
You'd blow,
you'd have 400 years to blow it.
That's what you would do.
You would blow it.
But I could just steal it.
You'd be fatter.
You can't get out of it during the day.
You can't eat.
I don't think I eat regular shit.
You'd figure it out.
Do vampires eat regular food?
You would stay the exact same
as when you changed.
Oh, I can't lose weight?
Unless you,
no.
If you change tomorrow.
The hell can a vampire can't fly?
You're only like six inches off the ground.
Listen,
you'd be pale as shit,
and you need color,
because when you get pale,
it's bad.
You don't want to be a vampire.
My skin don't look good.
The face don't look good now.
I need a little collar.
Look good.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So you,
listen,
I don't think that's,
I don't think,
I don't think there's a right career move
for you right now.
All right.
Let's run it by our suits