Name: Foley's Retirement Home! | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley
Uploaded: 2025-12-08T00:00:40.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Foley's Retirement Home! | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-12-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Foley's Retirement Home! | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-12-08. Transcript available.

Foley's Retirement Home! | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley

In 2011, two local dirtbags met outside of a comedy open mic at the Raven Lounge
in Philadelphia,
Pennsylvania. The fatter one needed to borrow money off the bald one. Now, 14
years later,
they're playing the biggest R.U. Garbage show at the Met in Philadelphia. Their
bond over TGI
Fridays, cheap beer, scratch-off lottery tickets, and drinking milk with dinner
has led to the
creation of the R.U. Garbage podcast. Get your tickets for a true celebration
of Philadelphia
garbage. Welcome to another exciting edition of R.U. Garbage, the show where
you find out if your
favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your
hosts, Kevin Ryan and H.
H. Foley. Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite
podcast. This is R.U.
Garbage. It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians, and we
find out if the
group to be classy after just a big old piece of trash. Garbage. I'm your host,
H. Foley, coming at
you on a glorious day. We're out back here at Tootie's in a new edition. She,
um, I really can't get into it
right now. Okay. I told her I wouldn't. There's that guy working. I'm telling
you, I just, I want to
say, but I can't. Okay. I mean, just respect her privacy at this difficult time
for her. All right,
I will. When she's ready to make an announcement to everybody about what's
going on, you'll be the
first to know. Okay. But for right now, I got to respect what she said to me
about what she's doing.
It sounds like you're about to tell me. I just got to respect it. Do you want
me to tell
you? No, I don't want to know. That's her business. And also, you know, don't
let the bozos out
there know. It's a family business. We've got to circle the fucking wagons a
little bit. If
it's that serious. It's kind of messed up. Okay. Well, then don't, then I don't
want to hear
it. You sure? Yeah, I don't. You're kind of involved. We're all kind of
involved just by,
you know. Association. Yes. By name somewhere. Yeah. Yeah. Not happy about that.
So I'd rather if, if,
if it's going to bring up legal consequences, I'd rather wait to live. She
might've mentioned
your name specifically. Sure. But I told her I wouldn't say anything. Okay. My
coach is coming
at you from across the table. This is what we call a family episode. Just the
boys, the bozos
and the homies. Just the way we like it. Give it up for KJ, Kevin, James, Ryan.
Hey gang,
shout out to you. As always, please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on
iTunes. Full video
available on YouTube. Also full video available over there on Spotify, baby.
Boys are climbing through
the charts. Then obviously. Hanging in there in them charts. Hanging in, baby.
We really
are. We've never showed off. Shout out to the bozos and the homies. We're the
journeymen
of this type of thing. You know what I mean? We're not the superstars. We're
not the, we're
not the bozos. We're in the middle. We're the underdogs. Well, fucking ham and
eggers,
lunch pail guys. You know what I mean? Ham and eggers. Coming in, doing a job,
putting
the boots on, going to work, going home. Ham gets a bad rapid breakfast. I don't
know
why. Yeah. I'm not a huge fan, but I get it from time to time. Then obviously
the greatest
website of all time, www.patreon.com. You go over there, you join over the 15,000
members
of that army of garbage, baby. I'm talking boots on. That's 30,000 boots on the
ground.
Actually, there's probably some one-leggers out there. You think? Yeah, for
sure. Just statistically
wise. You think so? Yeah. Probably like something that got stuck in a railroad
or something like
that? I mean, you know, it wasn't a squash accident. Let's say 29,000 legs. You
think
there's a thousand people missing legs? No, no, no, no, no. That's bad numbers,
dude. I
mean, maybe feet, diabetes will get you. Yeah. Where was I the other day? It
was a healthcare
professional. It wasn't my endocrinologist, but it was another doctor referred
to it as
diabetes. Dr. Feelgood. Diabetes? What the fuck? And then the boys are on the
road. We
got the biggest show we've ever done in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania at the Met.
If you're in a tri-state
area, get tickets for that. The boys are having a good fucking time. Be there
in a couple of
days. A couple of days. And then all the other cities we just announced for 2026
are on the
website right now available. We're doing some club weekends. Those dates are
going quick.
Club weekends. How about that? Look at us. Get your techies. Finally, club
weekend.
That was never really the thing we were striving for. Finally. I'd do the
weekend. I know, I know.
A couple of birthdays. Sure. I might host a couple of these. Get back into it.
Yeah. That's
how I used to host at the Laugh House. I gave out a fair amount of blowjob
shots in my day.
You could have stopped it. You didn't need shots in there. I know, that's how
you used to get
your stage time. That would have been a... Easy does it. Easy does it there.
This is a public
family episode. Speaking of blowjobs, let's cruise by the old corner office.
Say hi to the boss's
son over there, Mr. Luke Dempsey. Calling to the stage, Mr. H. Foley.
Like two tall speaking of hams. Two pressed hams. Ten pounds of shit in a five
pound bag. How you done?
A little junk in the trunk. Drive hippie. Oh, man. As I said, a lot of talk
about this big merger
with the Dempsey group. No one's talking. Only you. I've been hearing of things.
The trades. A happy
hour afterwards downtown by Wall Street. A lot of people are... The street's
talking. That would be our
propaganda arm of the Dempsey group. You guys are shaking. Oh, Dan, they got
the press. It's a direct
attack. A direct attack. Until it comes across my desk, you know, we're not for
sale. Maybe you don't
know. Maybe you're out. We'd only sell to Blackwater. Is that the... No. Why?
That's the mercenary group.
Yeah, they got cash. Fuck. Fuck you think they're donating no band leaders,
okay? They got choppers.
They're going to use this. Go over there. Take out the Taliban. Are they still
a problem?
I got some stuff. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know nothing. This is not the
show. I don't
know. We went... It's a real quarter. We're in a real dark ops and fucking...
This ain't
the show, gang. I got something I wanted to get into. Talk to me. Our door's
always open.
We've been, you know, we come from dirtbags. We've been dirtbags our whole life.
Never claimed to be
nothing short of a little dirty kids. I mean, lions. I had to get out of the
patties and bring
the Christmas stuff out of the garage. Man, they're in a dirt bag. Talk about a
scumbag weekend.
Getting yelled at. Yeah. I mean, you're 50. Bunch of wreaths over by fucking
the chlorine buckets
for the pool. All bleached. Shit stinks. Looking like albino wreaths now. Man.
Yeah. Crazy.
You ever have to do stuff like that? You're the worst son. I'm the worst son. I'm
down there
doing it. Complain. And then coming in front of fucking 200,000 people or
whatever. Don't...
Why? I mean, I got told about my day. I do it. What do you mean? We're boys, me
and Patty.
Sure. Well, shepherd's pie goes a long way. Yeah. Easy way to your heart. Yeah.
She packed
one up. It looks like she made a fucking, what's it called? Pressure cooker
bomb. That's why we're
selling a Blackwater. We got to get fucking boots on the ground. Keep your
enemies close. You know
what I mean? It's an hour and a half drive. She packed it in one of those styrofoam
coolers,
which I don't know where the fuck she got that. That's what they do with organs.
Yeah. That's what
you didn't know. I heard a bunch of ice going in. I'm like, I'm going an hour
and a half
and I'm probably going to have a bite in the car. I'm probably going to stop at
Farley's
and knock this bad boy down. Stop and get a fountain coke. A fountain coke? Oh,
man.
Woo! You like a fountain drink? I remember my cousin Jenny, shout out to her,
the one that's
married to Myers. Yes. Lovely gal. Lovely. We were old. She was older, you know,
and we
were hung over. She goes, oh, we're like laying on the couch on the shore after
like a long
night of Tully nuts or whatever. She's like, I just need a fountain coke. And I
remember
that was my first real memory of like, oh, right. Fountain cokes hit different
when
you're hung over. Yes, they do. And I knew that like, I knew it, but I just had
never
like verbal. I think the bottle or cans don't hit, it's a little too thick. It's
funny.
Fountain coke. I always thought, have you ever gone to a fast food place and
just got a
drink? Uh, probably. But like. I picked that. The ultimate.
Fat chick move to me. When a chick would show up at work and she was like, I
just got to
say. Oh, thinking she's lying. No. Oh. Believe in her. Okay. That's just a real
dirt bag fat
chick move. Okay. I don't know if I fully. Get it? I mean, you're, so you're at
work at
a restaurant in the city. No, it's when I worked in an office. Huh? I was. So
do it now. Now,
do you really think she didn't get an egg McMuffin? No. Yeah. Okay. That's her
line. I, we do the
same thing. I do the same thing all the time. I know. Honey. I didn't mean to
gender it. Should
have been honey. It's me. Me done. Huh? Come on. I can see the biscuit from
here. A little
bit of biscuit on that lip. Butter all over your fingers. Come on. Even
fingerprints all
over the job. We've been sleeping together for two weeks. Can't be honest with
me. No.
So I was in, you know, New York City. I'm on the street. And, uh. Really
painting a picture
here, aren't you? Taking my dog, my beautiful dog right over there. Taking my
dog for a walk.
Get him on the Hans cam. Hey, Hansi. And, uh, we, um, I turn around. A nice,
nice looking
family walks by me. Grandparents. Yeah. Mom, dad. Probably around my age-ish.
The mom
and dad are your age? Yeah. Huh. What? I don't know. Is that? What do you get
about it?
You have kids? Yeah. Stroller? That's why I would say the mom and dad. No, it's
a, it's
a young boy. Maybe five. I don't know. I have a six month old, so that's all I
know. So
this kid could have been 14 or five. I think he was, let's call it five or six.
Would you
say you're ahead of the game or behind the game for kids? You're a, for. Oh, I
am.
I'm 39 years old. I'm old. You are really real old. You got to get cracking. I'm
just
going to adopt a full grown man. Have sex with him. Hey. What?
What? It's my stepson. Or my adopted son. It's my stepdaddy. There's somebody
to hang
out with. You adopt a stepdaddy? Stepdaddy? How you doing? Zaddy? You need a
zaddy.
What's that? Zatarain's. Oh, that's what I need. A little bit of Zatarain's
rice. So it's
a whole family. Multi-generational, right? Mom. So it's grandparents, mom, dad,
probably
around my age. 35 to 40, call it. Okay. You know what I mean? With a 14 year
old? No,
it's joking. Oh. Six, probably five, six year olds. What should you have? What?
How old
should your kids be? I knew your head was somewhere else. If you're 39. Most
people. I mean, I'm
cooked. I know that. I'm jammed out. You're well done. What are you talking?
Cooked. Yeah.
I would say, look at what, New York's obvious. Ten? What? Ten? Yeah. I mean, my
friends
have kids that are. Oh, that's right. You know. Yeah. Eight. I think 30. If you're
a career
minded individual, probably 30. You start having kids 28-ish, probably. Yeah.
Starts around
27 and a half. Most mothers are 30 now. New York, they're old, too. New York,
it's like
the old broads. Sure. You know, we're all lying to ourselves like we're still
young. But
I'm 50. What? You know, because I was at a 55 and older community this weekend.
Checking
out real estate. No. Couple more years, I'll be hanging out with you boys. No,
I had to go
to a family function. At a 55 and older community? That's where my aunt lives.
Hey, Tim, I thought
they went, I thought it was like a dorm. You're not allowed to have parties. No,
this place
joins nice. Condos? Apartments? Single family? Because those are big now. Those
Toll Brother