Name: Ever Been Punched by an Adult?! | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley
Uploaded: 2025-12-15T00:00:32.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ever Been Punched by an Adult?! | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-12-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ever Been Punched by an Adult?! | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-12-15. Transcript available.

Ever Been Punched by an Adult?! | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley

Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage?
The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals
or absolute trash.
Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast.
This is Are You Garbage? You know it.
It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians,
and we find it out to be classy.
Yeah.
Just a big old piece of trash.
Trash, trash, trash.
I'm your host, Dave Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day.
We're out back here with Tootie's in a new edition.
She's having some trouble with her CPAP machine.
Okay.
Keeps giving her a red mark on her nose.
Uh-huh.
And apparently, lines under her eyes.
I can see the straps.
Those strap marks are all over you, dog.
That's not about me.
That's crazy.
You think that sweater's going to disguise the fucking...
It looks like you're playing football, middle linebacker or something.
God damn, dude.
I got to stop wearing my punter's helmet.
Holy shit.
I had to make my own strap because my shit's all busted.
It's got duct tape on it, and I took a bandana or a headband,
and I made my own strap, which I think if I designed it...
What is your apartment in a post-apocalyptic world?
Go buy new gear.
What are we doing?
It takes a pain in the ass to get this stuff.
I got a guy on 71st Street.
I got to go up there and take a look around and see what he's got.
Aunt Tootie got kicked out of the Rockettes last night.
They threw a kick, and she thought they were making a move on her.
Fuck, I should have went with that.
My co-host is coming at you from across the table.
This is what we call a family episode.
Just the boys, the bozos, and the homies.
He is the CEO of RU Garbage.
He's a small...
He's a successful small business owner.
So are you.
I know, but you...
For the listener, earlier today, Fully goes,
explain it to me like I've never been on the internet.
That's also a successful business owner.
I don't know blogs.
I know blobs.
What?
The movie.
Ah.
Which I never saw.
Metallica.
Metallica?
Okay.
All right, we're losing them.
Rosie, smell the...
Kevin James Ryan is here today with us, everybody.
What up, gang?
Shout out to the motherfucking homies, dog, and the bozos.
I thought this was Patreon again.
What about the Soul Sisters?
And the Soul...
Listen, that's for...
Calling the Soul Sisters on that.
Stop it.
That's for Patreon.
Don't be giving out the goods.
Well, I want to get them to sign up.
Easy, though.
Come be a Soul Sister.
Let them find it on their own.
Gang, shout out.
Please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes.
Full video available on YouTube.
Full video available over there on Spotify.
Just check the numbers.
We are climbing the charts.
What are we at?
I don't know.
Small business owner.
We're doing good.
Q4.
I think we're like 30-something in comedy, and we're in the top 200 on...
Top 200,000 in a regular podcast.
Fucking goddamn Regis Philbin just released a new podcast.
Jesus.
That's what I got.
I got fucking beef.
We got to go out with every goddamn A-lister has got a fucking podcast.
We're watering down the industry.
I know.
What happened...
You had your chance.
Yeah.
Not my fucking Hollywood chewed you up and spit you out.
Now you come trying to fucking eat off my plate, taking food out of my humongous
son's mouth.
You got a big boy over there.
Dude, so, all right.
Listen, obviously, and then the greatest website of all time.
Yes.
Join the undercover brothers and the soul sisters over there on Patreon.
Over 15,000 members of that fucking army.
That platoon, pavilion, something.
It's a regiment, somebody said.
A battalion.
And it's 30,000 boots on the ground because there's 15K over there.
That's pretty good.
Everybody's got two feet, theoretically, as we said.
Well, we've gone over this.
There's a couple of one-footers who have hit me up.
Yeah.
And said they're making a support group for each other.
Definitely short on a couple of toes.
I keep walking in circles.
Yeah, and then obviously, the 2026 tour is on sale right now.
Get those tickets.
We're posting up in some cities for the weekend.
Club weekends.
How you doing?
We got a couple new things coming.
Some cities will be doing five shows, so get them tickets.
And listen, this isn't just marketing ploy.
They're selling fast.
Club, they're small rooms, and they're going.
Don't be hitting me up.
I ain't adding a fucking Wednesday show, okay?
I will.
Small business owner.
I got a kid now.
I can't move to Austin for two and a half weeks.
When are we going to get him in the act?
What?
Bring him down.
Let him open.
Let him close.
What are you talking about?
Charlie Chaplin was doing shows at like two years old.
So when he's two.
How long is that?
Listen, you're just trying to buck your responsibility.
I want to hang out.
I need a new friend.
Get this kid right in tooties.
I want somebody to hang out with that doesn't, that has a little respect for
him.
Uh-huh.
Well, find someone out.
Go talk to Tommy's kid or something.
Shout out to the little guy.
Mm-hmm.
We got cute little guys.
We have a second generation on the RU Garbage family.
How crazy is that?
It's very, it's very, very crazy.
And also, uh, this is new to us now that I, I, I, I, I, I'm the first one with
a kid on
the team.
We go out, we do the meet and greets, the whole nine yards.
Everybody's coming up.
That's so sweet.
I didn't realize that there's like a, a parental bond.
Do you know what I mean?
So it's like, people are like, oh, I'm, you know, my wife's six months.
We got a four month.
It's our first.
I love that.
It's our first night out after having a kid.
He's two weeks.
I said, what the fuck back to the house?
This kid's home starving probably.
Yeah.
When they come up and, and, and the wife or the girlfriend's pregnant, that's
so sweet.
Yeah.
Usually ice me.
I wanted to ask you this before we get into the, uh, the, the listener cues.
I'm all ears.
Um, two things real quick.
Um, it's going to be way more than two things.
If I, if I know my bug man, it's going to be a couple two treat things.
No more bug man.
I've hung up the, uh, antennas.
And got your cool sweater on.
I just fit into this.
I bought this for a funeral about two and a half years ago.
It didn't fit then.
It kind of fits now.
Uh-huh.
I had to do a lot of, man, I had a helicopter pulling this thing.
It's like Mr. Fantastic.
Deep cut.
Saw the movie.
Actually loved it.
Great.
Um, two things.
You're a suburbanite.
You got a big Joe Gambino over here.
I had the big Joe.
I had the big Joe and all the boys down here.
Little Italy.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm stylish.
He rocks a trench coat.
I want to start getting into a trench.
Uh-huh.
I'm with it.
It's just very, I'm not, I'm not trying to do it.
I just, I'm just, listen, I got to call balls and strikes.
You come in here in a fucking set of loafers and a fucking quarter zip.
I mean, this is a quarter zip.
Yeah.
Oh, it is?
Probably.
Because somebody just asked me if I'm wearing quarter zips.
Yes, I am.
That's a quarter zip.
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Polo.
Sure.
DXL polo.
Rolo.
I just hated the foil.
They stunk.
Dan, my brother would get them once every, once a year.
That chocolate's whack.
I remember sitting there going, oh, that's, you're too, that's an old candy to
be eaten
in the back of this Ford Taurus.
Yeah.
You look nice.
That's a Carhartt shirt they sent.
Shout out to the boys over there at Carhartt.
I love Carhartt.
They recognize talent and fashion icon when they see it.
They reached out to the boy directly and said, let us grease you.
It came 48 hours, that email came 48 hours after I put a big order in myself.
Huh.
So I said, hey, what is the return policy on the stuff I just bought?
I love Carhartt.
Mm-hmm.
They do big guy sizes, too.
Listen, don't be doing this.
We can't be, you got, you're the polo.
You fucking send all mediums?
You're the.
What am I, jerk off?
You're the polo guy.
Timmy D's the polo guy.
So you're stealing everybody's shit.
Find your own thing.
No, I told you.
I got it.
Now you're, now you're, now you're encroaching on big Joe Gambino's, Dick.
I got it.
You're going to have you in the back of that Hyundai Sorrento.
Get a visit from Mario Bosco.
Straighten me out.
Uh-huh.
Listen.
Well, I'm trying.
You're in the.
I told you we didn't get to one of the two things yet.
You're in the suburbs.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
I saw Patty do this move that she's been doing for a long time.
Boning the neighbor.
Sorry.
Sorry.
That was a little harsh.
I apologize to you for it.
No.
Maybe she has.
I don't know.
Okay.
Okay.
You pull in.
The driveway.
I'm in.
No, don't fucking.
Don't.
Don't get me at it.
Start up with me now.
I'll give you a smack.
Back in the old days.
Slap the shit out of you.
This sweater is so hot, by the way.
I'm so sweaty.
You're like a fat kid on Easter, dude.
You're going to be.
It's going to take that off in 20 minutes.
That's why the winter sucks.
Can I change, Mom?
You wear a sweater outside.
You get into somebody.
Especially around the holidays.
You get in there.
There's 55,000 people in the house.
The heat's on.
Somebody open the fucking screen door.
I'm dying.
Mm-hmm.
Hate that.
T-shirt and jeans.
And when are we switching over to we're all wearing the same thing that in the
future we're supposed to have?
Uh-huh.
That's a Seinfeld bit.
It was a good bit in the 90s, and it still works today.
He don't need it.
Got all that money.
Got all that cash.
He ain't rocking a fucking quarter zip.
I'll tell you that.
I see.
He wears them all the time.
I don't know.
He wears that.
He wears like a NetJet hat or like a private, what are they called?
Personal planes.
Private jet hats.
There you go.
And a blazer.
And a nice pair of sneakers.
Personal planes.
A pee-pee.
Personal pan plane.
Do you pull, do you grab the mail in the car?
Do you pull up to the mailbox and take the mail out when you're in the car and
then pull into the driveway?
You're not going to like this.
Well, you what?
What the hell?
Do you have a P.O. box?
Fucking Zielinski over here.
Kukrinski.
Our house.
Unabomber.
Okay.
What was his name?
Hey, mind on there.
You done?
Deep cut.
Kukrinski.
Kukrinski?
No.
That's the Iceman.
Oh, yeah.
Kukrinski was the Iceman.
I don't want that fucking guy after me.
He's dead.
I got it.
I'll fuck him.
But yeah, okay.
That's what he wants you to think.
Man, kill the ice cream, man.
How mad do you got to be?
Ted Kukrinski.
By the way, I've seen an ice cream joint downtown.
More of an Ed Klemper kind of guy.
Who's Ed Klemper?
Klemper.
Klemper?
From the lady from the office?
No, Ed Klemper, isn't it?
Ed Kemp?
No, isn't it Kemper?
Klemper?
Kemper.
Kemper?
Yeah.
He's the lumbering gentleman, the Golden State Killer, or one of them.
I don't know.
The guy they caught in a wheelchair?
I forget.
Man.
To be a serial killer.
They never catch any of those guys in a prime.
Nah, they always catch them when they're old guys.
Yeah.
I can do that.
Yeah, I can do that.
Catch a fucking geriatric bitch.
They never caught anybody back then.
They couldn't.
Dude, I'm big into that stuff.
I watch all the docs.
They couldn't.
There was no movement of technology.
There was no movement of information.
We got to start solving some cases.
We got to do it, you and me.
Put our heads together.
Beat up some old man.
Did you kill them broads?
I know it was you.
Oh, we got the wrong house.
Oh, this is Memory Brook Lane?
Shit.
I'm sorry, sir.
So what do you do with the mail?
The mail, the mail's on the front of the house.
We have one of those hanging boxes.
Our mail's delivered by foot.
Oh, you prick.
I knew you weren't going to like it.
You make that guy get out?
I don't make him get out.
What do you mean make him get out?
He walks.
If I was a mailman.
He's not pulling up, getting out, and doing it.
He walks along.
You don't have a whip?
I don't know what he does.
I don't know how he gets around.
Man, being a suburban mailman, you don't get one of them cars?
That sucks.
I like being on the other side of the road.
